The L Stands for Loser
by TheWimpzilla
Summary: Updated by the strict schedule of "when I feel like it", The L Stands for Loser takes a look into the gradual mental traumatization of everyone's second favorite plumber and his everlasting struggle against the universal plague commonly known as bad luck.
1. Lack of Oreo Filling

**Long ago in the far-off land of 2007, I came under a state of mind known only to the public as "boredom". As such, I wrote these short stories about Luigi, one of my favorite characters in the Mario series. After that, they pretty much were lost to the world.**

**But by dumb luck they were found again. After rereading them and getting some laughs I decided to post them on this site to see what the rest of the world thought. These first 9 chapters are the original stories I had written. Without these, this series would not exist.**

* * *

Luigi: (Waiting by the mail box) _Whistling_...(looks at his watch)...(Scratches ear)...(Hums "It's a small world after all")...

Parakarry: Mail Ca-

Luigi: (Grabs the mail straight out of his bag and runs inside) (Slams the door)

Parakarry: ... (leaves)

Luigi: (At the table rifling through the letters) Oh boy-Oh boy-Oh boy-Oh boy-Oh boy-Oh boy

Mario: (Covered in junk mail, looking angrily at his Mushroom Munchies that have also been vandalized with junk mail)

Luigi: Sorry. I just heard that I was put in a feature article in this month's "Fungi Cap" Magazine. And I can't wait to see it!

Mario: (Lifts a soggy magazine out of his soiled cereal)

Luigi: _GASP_ That's it! Gimme! (Looks at the cover) HEY!! (Zoom in on magazine cover featuring Luigi in his underwear twirling his shirt over his head and the headline "God's top ten mistakes) Where'd they get that picture??

Mario: (Looking Sheepish)

Luigi: You didn't! I'm gonna-

Parakarry: (In the window) Important letter for Mr. Mario!

Mario: (Raises his hand)

Parakarry: It also says "The green one"

Luigi: That'd be me. (Snatches the letter) Probably an apology from that stupid "Fungi Cap" Magazine... No wait, it's from...Daisy??

Parakarry: OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooohh...

Luigi: (Reading from the letter) "Dear Luigi, Lately all I've been able to think about is you and your sexy 'stache. Won't you and your handsomely chiseled figure come by my place sometime, I'd very much like to get to know you better over Dinner and a Movie. Yours forever- Daisy"

"P.S. Please wear your stylish yellow and purple polka-dot jumpsuit under a frilly pink dress. You'll know why when you get here."

Luigi: Awesome! I'm going on a date with Daisy! What date plans do you two have. Nada! But I have a date with Daisy! Read it and weep! BOO-YAH!! (Runs out the door)

Parakarry and Mario: ... (Coyly give each other the knuckle touch)

_At Daisy's castle_

Door Bell: (rings)

Daisy: (From inside) I'll get it... (Opens the door) Hello-

Luigi: (Leaning on the wall with a pink dress on and a sexy look on his face) Hey Daisy, you like-a my 'stache that blows in the wind like a...uh... something sexy that blows in the wind? Does it not consume your every waking thought? Well go ahead (Luigi leans in close to Daisy with his lips stretched out) (Whispering_)_ Touch it...

Daisy: 0.O ...

Luigi: Tell me what stuns you, is it my girly good looks (Rips off the dress too reveal a hideous yellow and purple polka-dot jumpsuit) or my manly good looks.

Daisy: ...Security!!

Luigi: Wait! Didn't you tell me to do these things?

Daisy: Uh, No!

Luigi: But I got a letter from you.

Daisy: I'm sorry, but I never sent you a letter.

Luigi: (Sadly) Oh... Sorry for wasting your time, I just thought that I finally had a chance to impress you. (Starts to leave)

Daisy: Wait, do you want to come in for a second?

Luigi: (Perking up) Really?? I mean, sure. But I thought you were thoroughly creeped out.

Daisy: I was, but that was a misunderstanding. And for some reason you seem interesting.

_Luigi couldn't believe his luck. Finally after all this time fate would smile upon him instead of toy with him. He enjoyed the time he spent with Daisy, and Luigi was thoroughly convinced there was no other guy on earth luckier than him right now._

Daisy: (Giggling) So, so you were actually pummeled by the other team's quarter back because you mistook his mother for a dog?

Luigi: Yeah, and I wasn't even playing. I was the mascot.

Daisy: (Laughs_)_ _Sigh_ You know Luigi, nobody else can make me laugh like you do. And I mean that in a good way- Oh, hi Charming.

Luigi: Charming? (Turns around to see a handsome man in regal clothing)

Daisy: Luigi, I'd like you to meet someone very dear to me, Prince Charming.

Charming: Me and Daisy have known each other for a very long time, and any friend of her's is a friend of mine.

Luigi: (Confused) Friend??

_Luigi was thoroughly convinced that there was no other guy on earth unluckier than him right now. All this time Luigi thought that Daisy was starting to like him, when she already had a boyfriend. Wait a minute, he didn't really know for sure they were a couple._

Charming: Me and Daisy were just discussing what we were going to do when we become queen and king.

_Dang! Oh well. Back at the Mario house Mario and Parakarry were chillin' on the couch_

Parakarry: Whoa! Can you really use twinkies like that and still be edible?

Mario: (Nods his head with a face that says "Oh yeah")

Parakarry: (Amazed) Wow. All this time and I thought you could only do it with a plunger.

Door: (Opens and Slams)

Parakarry: Hey Casanova, (snickers) how was your time with Daisy?

Luigi: Could you guys do me a favor, and just don't talk to me? (Walks off sadly)

Audience: (Sympathy "Oooooh")

Parakary: Oh come on Luigi, we were just have some fun! (Walks into the kitchen after Luigi) What's the matter with you any way?

Luigi: (Lifts his head out of his pile of Oreo Cookies) (Whiny voice) Daisy has a boy friend! And someone licked the middle out of every Oreo cookie!! (Plops his head down again)

Parakarry: Ooh, you really like this girl don't you?

Luigi: (Not pulling his head out) _Muffled "Yeah"_.

Parakarry: Well I'm going to help you win her heart, and with my help she won't be able to resist you. Are you with me?

Luigi: (Not lifting his head up) ...

Parakarry: Hey! Are you breathing?

Luigi: ...

_The next morning_

Parakarry: Mail Call!

(Nobody comes out the door)

Parakarry: ... I said, "MAIL CALL!!"

(Still no answer)

Parakarry: ...(Goes into the house) Where's Luigi?

Mario: (Points to the kitchen)

Parakarry: (Goes into the kitchen to find a repulsive Luigi slumped over in the fridge door) Great Goombas! What are you doing?

Luigi: Drowning my sorrows in chocolate fudge. _Gurgle_

Parakarry: Well you better clean yourself up, because today you'll be battling for Daisy's love.

Luigi: Huh?

Parakarry: I swear it's not a trick this time. You have to be at the warehouse at 3:00 PM for your duel

Luigi: Duel?

Parakarry: That's what charming called it. I'm sure it won't be an actual sword fight. Well, I'll give it 50/50. Or more likely 90/10. Fine it's a sword fight, what else do you want from me?

Luigi: A way out!

Parakarry: Dude, if you back out now, you may never have another chance at Daisy. So are you going to chicken out and spend every night of your life wishing you had gone, or are you going to duel with Charming and take the risk of being killed while trying to impress Daisy even though there's only a small chance of her liking you back?

Luigi: ...

_At the warehouse_

Luigi: (Walking into the dark empty warehouse) Charming? I know your in here, so stop trying to freak me out. (Lights up his Plastic Star Wars lightsaber toy) I'm not scared, so you might as well cut it out!

Loud Voice: And now it's time for everyone's favorite game show; "Wall of Choosing"!

Lights: (Come on to reveal a live audience and a game show set consisting of 3 chairs to the right of a wall)

Loud Voice: Where 3 contestants sit behind a wall and answer questions from our lovely contestant. Then whoever she chooses will get a fabulous date with our lucky girl. And now, here's your host, Prince Peasley

Prince Peasley: Hello, and welcome to-

Audience: "Wall of Choosing"! (Cheering)

Prince Peasley: Today's contestants are; Yoshi

Spotlight: (Reveals Yoshi from the darkness)

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Prince Peasely: Prince Charming!

Prince Charming: Hello ladies.

Women in the audience: _Sigh_

Prince Peasley: and, Luigi!

Luigi: Hello Ladies.

Women in the audience: Eww!

Prince Peasley: And now let's bring our fair maiden out to the stage, Princess Daisy!

Audience: (Cheers)

Prince Peasley: Since she just came from our sound proof room, Daisy has no idea who these guys are, not even their names are known to her. Let's get started from the first question, Daisy.

Princess Daisy: If you had a choice between me and freedom, which would you choose?

Yoshi: ...yoshi?

Translator: Umm, freedom?

Prince Charming: Some things are better than freedom

Audience: (Cheers)

Luigi: It depends which one will provide more doodlecakes.

Daisy: If I were kidnapped by a monster what would you do?

Yoshi: yoshi

Translator: Get Mario.

Luigi: Dang! That was mine!

Charming: I would, of course, fight my way to the ends of the earth for you.

Audience: (More Cheers)

Luigi: Oh come on! I bet he has those lines written on his hand! How do we know you're not just saying that?

Charming: Well if _you_ kidnapped Princess Daisy then we'd find out wouldn't we?

Audience: OOOOooooh.

Luigi: ...That retort doesn't even make sense.

Toadette in the audience: Who cares?? He's totally HOT!!

women in audience: (Cheers in agreement)

Daisy: If you had a gross mustache that you thought was sexy, would you shave it off for me?

Yoshi: Yoshi

Translator: Sure

Charming: Of course

Luigi: Hey-Hey-Whoa-Whoa-Hey!! We're not going out yet and you're already asking me to shave off Bob?

Charming: You named your Mustache Bob??

Luigi: Well I was tied between Bob and Luigi Jr., but I felt that my mustache deserved it's own name.

Charming: (Scoots his chair away)

Prince Peasley: It's time to choose Daisy, who do you want to go out with?

Daisy: I really like #2, so I think I'll go with him.

Prince Peasley: Well here he is, (Wall rises) Prince Charming! A good choice I would like to add.

Princess Daisy: Eww! I'm not going to date my cousin!

Luigi and audience: COUSIN??

Yoshi: YOSHI??

Translator: Cousin??

Luigi: Wait, so you guys aren't going out?

Daisy: No, of course not! Why would you think that?

Luigi: Because he was over at your house-

Daisy: He's staying with me for the week while his castle gets repaired.

Luigi: But you two were talking about what you two would do as queen and king

Daisy: Of our own countries. We were sharing ideas so we could be even better royalty.

Luigi: Oh. So why did Charming even come on the show

Charming: To prevent filth like you dating my dear cousin. I mean, what's up with naming your mustache?

Daisy: That's enough Charming! I don't need you "Protecting me", especially from someone that I kinda like

Everyone but Daisy: Huh!?

Daisy: Well, he's kinda cute, and no one else makes me laugh as much as him.

Luigi: So, do you want to go get a mocha with me then?

Daisy: Sure (Leaves with Luigi who can't believe this is really happening)

Prince Peasley: (Shocked) Well, I guess you have it. She went out with Luigi and Bob even though she chose Charming who turned out to be her cousin, and all the while Yoshi was carrying both of their babies!

Camera: Shows Yoshi leaving the studio with baby daisy and baby luigi on his back

Peasly: Tune in next time, where we'll hopefully have a normal show. Good night. (Leaves the stage in

disbelief)


	2. Prunes and laxatives

**My first and only reveiw is in. Though it isn't much, I'm giddy with excitement. How 'bout the rest of you follow AllHailMario's example and write some reveiws? By the way, thanks for the kind words AllHailMario.**

**Onto the story. This one introduces what could be Luigi's only fan; Dexter, the kid next door. Will luigi be able to maintain his fanbase of 1? Read on to find out.**

* * *

Luigi: (Sitting at the kitchen table with Mario) So have you met our new Toad Neighbors yet?

Mario: (Shakes his head "no")

Luigi: They have cutest kid with great taste. He looks up to me as a hero.

Mario: **': \**

Luigi: Here he comes now.

Dexter: Hey Guinea Pig- er, I mean, Luigi.

Mario: ':)

Dexter: Hey Luigi, check it out! I made a little robot that corrects your language. It even looks like Supremotron from Super Robot Koopa Team Mega Force Go. Try it out!

Luigi: Okay. (Leans towards the robot) Me...Like...So...da!

Robot: _Correction: __**I **__like soda!_

Luigi: Really?? Well here ya go little buddy. (Pours Chukola Cola into the robot's mouth)

Robot: _Malfunction! Malfunction! Ma__lfun__ction..._(Starts to jerk wildly with sparks flying)...

Dexter: You ruined it! I hate you! I never want to see your retarded face again! (Storms out of the house crying)

Luigi: ...He loves me.

_As annoying as luigi was, Dexter did learn to love the guy for the silly green idiot he was. Soon he looked up to Luigi almost as his own brother. And Luigi was excited that he finally had a fan, and soon a brotherly bond was formed._

_At dexter's house_

Dexter's Dad: So you wish to take my son to the Super Robot Koopa Team Mega Go Movie. I just have a few questions first.

Luigi: (Nervously) Ask away sir.

Dexter's Dad: What do you do for a living?

Luigi: I stay at home and live off the earnings my bro gets from saving the princess all the time.

Dexter's Dad: (Putting down his list of questions) Hold on, my pencil needs sharpening.

Luigi: Take your time sir..._please!_

Dexter: (Coming down the stairs) Okay, I'm ready to go!

Luigi: OH THANK GO-(noticing the death glare form dexter's dad)-oodness! Let's go. NOW!

_At the Movies_

Dexter: Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy,Oh boy,Oh boy,Oh boy,Oh boy,Oh boy, **OH BOY!!**

Bowser: SHUDDUP! I'm trying to watch the Preveiws! There's nothing worse than a guy that won't other people watch the movies. (Bowser theme song ring tone plays)

Bowser: 0.o ... (Answers the phone) Yes? Yeah I'll pick up some milk...Alright I'll get eggs too...I love you too Klawdia. What? WHAT?? SPEAK LOUDER! ...I SAID SPEAK-

Luigi: SHUDDUP!! The movie's starting.

Bowser: Hold on Honey, I'll text message you. (Zoom in on Bowser's pathetic attempt to press the tiny keys) No...NO...** NO**... (Claw peirces cell phone and breaks them) DARNNIT!

Audience: Shhhhhhhh!

_The movie was a cinematic experience like nothing Luigi had ever experienced before. He wanted to scream in total agony, heave every meal he ever had, and attack every living being that had any_ _part of creating the monstosity that laid bfore his eyes. The entire Theatre was almost cleared by the end of the opening credits. It was completely empty by the end of the intro. It was commisioned for demolition by Princess Peach by the Climax and was Bulldozed before the credits rolled. It was that bad._

Peach: (Standing at the rubbled remains of the cinemaplex) My fellow Mushroomians, this is a dark day. But we must learn to forget the bad days, and look toward the bright future. As for now though, I would to take a moment to remember the lives that were lost in this horrible ordeal. ("Taps" starts playing)

Toad in the back...(whimper)...(drops to his knees) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

_Cut to the Mario Bros. Living Room_

Luigi: It _was _that bad Mario.

Mario: **: \**

Luigi: Seriously! The show was an animated series, but they used real life actors. And they weren't even koopas, they were humans in cheap Fabric crudley cut out into the shape of a koopa. (Mario's deepenly disturbed expression displayed the inner most feelings of fear and disgust of what was being described to him). The only writer was the same one for "The adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl". And Bob Saget played the lead.

Mario: (Leaps from his seat covering his ears) _Girl scream_ (Runs into the other room and locks the door). (Soft crying and whimpering is heard)

Luigi: Poor guy, he didn't even hear the opening title theme song written and performed by Raven Symone

Phone Rings

Luigi: (Picking up Phone) Yello.

Dexter's Dad: Luigi, what happened to my son?

Luigi: What do you mean?

Dexter's Dad: After he came home from the movie he's been acting weird. He won't eat, he won't sleep, and he just stares off into space with a weird look on his face all day. We're worried that the movie may have traumatized him.

Luigi: I'll see what's wrong with him.

_In Dexter's room_

Luigi: Hey buddy, how's it going.

Dexter: (Not looking at him) Hi Luigi.

Luigi: So...how about that koopa movie eh?

Dexter: Huh?? Oh, yeah. It was good.

_Living room _

Luigi: Oh yeah! There is definitely something wrong with him!

Dexter's Mom: Is he going to be okay?

Luigi: It's too early to tell. I'll need further studying to come to an accurate conclusion.

_At the McGulper's Icecream Emporium_

Luigi: So how's School been?

Dexter: ...

Luigi: Any new hobbies?

Dexter: ...

Luigi: Do you know your Choconut swirl is dripping on your new favorite shirt?

Dexter: ...

Luigi: ...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Dexter: ...

Luigi: What are you looking at?

Dexter: (Pointing ahead)...Her...

Luigi: Who? Oooh, at that cute blonde?

Dexter: No, that's a dude. I'm pointing to the table over. Her name is Sophia, and she's the prettiest, smartest, funniest-

Luigi: Whoa, Whoa, whao. Whe did you meet Sophia?

Dexter: At the movie. Oh she's so pretty. Lately all I could think about was her. Looking at her, talking to her, holding hands with her. (Luigi's deepenly disturbed expression displayed the inner most feelings of fear and disgust of what was being described to him) Everytime she's around my hands get clammy, and I can't talk normally, and I have to use all my will power not to place my lips against her warm, apple flavored lips as I hold her in a passionate embrace, allowing the universe and it's burdens around me to melt into a pool of pure ecstacy and euphoria as we share a deep and true display of love for the world to see

Luigi: (Leaps from his seat covering his ears) _Girl scream_ (Runs into the other room and locks the door). (Soft crying and whimpering is heard)

Toad Employee: Luigi, you've already been told _twice_ that your not allowed in the freezer!

Luigi (In the window): (With an ice cream bucket on his head) _Retarded Scream_

_Back in Dexter's Living Room_

Dexter's Mom: How bad is it doctor

Luigi: It is worse than I had imagined. I am afraid your son (Zoom in on Luigi's dramatic face) is dead.

Dexter's Parents: _GASP_

Luigi: Oops! I mean, in love, and there is only one cure.

Dexter's Dad: What?

Dexter: (Dancing into the room) I got a date! I got a date!

Luigi: That.

Dexter's Dad: That's great son! Now all you have to do is go an entire date without screwing anything up. And I mean not a single thing. Or else it will haunt you for the rest of your life. You very well may spend every night after tonight awake in your bed wondering if things would've been different if you hadn't screwed up.

Dexter's Mom: DEAR!

Dexter's Dad: How long are you going on your date? An hour? and most embarrasing moments happen within a single second. That's a lot of oppoturnities to mortally embarras and scar your mortal soul in an a monumental incident that may very well be passed down through many generations of people who were there, and that could be a lot of people. But thanks to the internet and camera phones your humilation could be passed through many generations world wide. Wouldn't that be something.

Dexter:** 0.o** ...

_At the "Le Fire Flower"_

Dexter: Are you sure about this Luigi? It's been done a million times, and not once has it gone right.

Luigi: Well, did you see all those attempts at having someone tell someone else what to do through walkie talkie on TV?

Dexter: Yes.

Luigi: Well TV isn't real.

Dexter: Do you even know anything about girls.

Luigi: Of Course!

Dexter: **;:\**

Luigi: Fine, I don't. But I had my brother Mario write down some instructions (holds up peice of paper) oh, here she comes! Good luck buddy. (Dives behind the Salad Bar)

Dexter: Uh, hi Sophia.

Sophia: Hi Dexter. Thanks for the dinner.

Dexter: Yeah. Thanks for comming.

_Meanwhile at the Table Luigi snuck to_

Luigi: Alright, let's test this puppy out. Set the dial to Ch.9 ... test signal... Hey Dexter you there?

Walki-Talkie: Yeah, she's talking about lip gloss or something

Background noise: You have no idea the torment I went through when they discontinued the "Bubblegum pop" flavor. I spent days finding a shade that matched my skintone.

Luigi: Hey, pay attention Dex, it's number 3 on the list; "Don't fall asleep during her lecture/story"

Walkie-Talkie: Oh yeah, sorry.

Waiter: (Walks up to the table) may I take your order sir?

Luigi: Huh? Oh, no thanks. I'm just helping out my pal.

Waiter: Well if you don't order something I'm going to have to kick you out.

Luigi: Fine, I'll have pie or something

Waiter: What kind?

Luigi: Mushroom?

Waiter: As unbeleivable as it is, we are out of the Mushroom pie. Might I suggest Key Lime instead?

Luigi: Sure, whatever, now go.

Waiter: I'm sorry, but we are out of the Key Lime Pie. Might I suggest-

Luigi: Look! Just get me some dang pie okay? I don't care what it is!!

Waiter: right away sir.

Walkie-Talkie: Uh-oh, now she's asking me what I would do in her situation.

Luigi: The list says that "sometimes the best answer is her answer", so just agree to whatever she did.

Walkie-Talkie: Okay... now she wants to know what my 2nd choice would've been

Lugi: The list suggests asking her what she would've done and agree with that too.

Walkie-Talkie: That's pretty good, thanks Luigi.

Luigi: Heh, I don't see why this is so hard for TV to pull off.

Waiter: Your pie sir. You know, you just got the last slice of pie in the entire resuraunt. You should consider yourself very lucky.

Luigi: Thanks (takes a bite out of the cake)

Loud Gurling: (emits from Luigi's stomach)

Luigi: Uh, what kind of pie is this? It tastes kinda funky.

Waiter: That would be the chef's specialty; Prune and Chocolate suprise.

Lugi: **Prune** and chocolate?

Waiter: Actually we ran out of our fine swiss chocolate, so we substituted it with chocolate laxitives.

Loud Gurgling: (Emits from Lugi's stomach, even louder this time)

Lugi: Mind pointing me to the restroom?

Waiter: (Points to the back of the room)

Luigi: Thanks (Walks towards the restroom at a quick pace) Get out of the way! Full load coming through!! HURRY!!

_At Dexter's Table_

Sophia: ...Which is why I will never trust dolphins ever again!

Dexter: Wow, that must've stunk.

Sophia: It did. I still have nightmares about it, every night.

Dexter: I'm sorry that happened to you.

Sophia: Yeah, you don't like dolphins do you?

Dexter: ...(knocks fork off of table) oops, dropped my utensil AGAIN! 'scuse me a moment (ducks under the table) Luigi, she just told me a horrific dolphin story, and then asked me what I thought of dolphins.

Walkie-Talkie: Just agree what she sai- YeeOW!! These laxitives are working over time!!

Dexter: What?

Walkie-Talkie: You don't want to know, just say you hate dolphins too.

Dexter: But I love dolphins! Doesn't the list say I should be totally honest with her?

Walkie-Talkie: I wouldn't know

Dexter: What? How could you not know, you have the list right there in your hand!

Walkie-Talkie: Yeah, about that... I chose the only stall with no TP, and the list was in my hand. Instinct took over before I could have a 2nd thought. Looks like we're gonna have to wing it.

Dexter: Fine, so how should I answer? Because if I'm not honest then it could easily bite me in the rear end later, but if I tell her I do like dolphins then maybe she'll hate me forever.

Walkie-Talkie: Don't answer at all, just look her in the eyes for a while. It'll make you look all cool and mysterious

Dexter: You think that'll work?

Walkie-Talkie: I don't see why no- WoOAH!! AAAAAAHHH! _Pant... Pant..._ Jeez, were these laxitives made for chain chomps??

Dexter: (Comes back out from under the table) got it.

Sophia: So, what do you think about dolphins?

Dexter: ...

Sophia: Dexter?

Dexter: ...

Sophia: I'd like an answer dexter...

Dexter: ...(whispering to the walkie-talkie) it's not working

Luigi: Oh, then maybe she wants a very opinionated person. Trying disagreeing with everything she says

Dexter: This better work!

Waiter: (walks up to the table) May I take your order?

Sophia: Sure, (looks over the menu)... the sea shrimp sounds good

Dexter: No it doesn't.

Sophia: Excuse me?

Dexter: Sea Shrimp is about the nastiest thing ever! What kind of idiot would eat that stuff!

Sophia: I love shrimp, and I'm not stupid for liking shrimp.

Dexter: Says who? Shrimp-eaters?

Sophia: On second thought, I'm too disgusted right now to eat.

Dexter: Are you kidding? I could eat a horse and it's rider right now. Waiter, bring me 10 lbs. of your finest food that is not shrimp!

Waiter: Yes sir (leaves)

Sophia: Jerk.

Dexter: No, your the jerk you shrimp-lover.

Sopha: (annoyed) Excuse me, I have to use the restroom (gets up and walks to the back of the resturaunt)

Dexter: I doubt it! ... (brings out his walkie-talkie) That didn't work at all!

Walkie-Talkie: Really? Jeez, what does that woman want?

Dexter: I don't know, but you sure don't know anything about women do you?

Walkie-Talkie: Not really. But I do know women like men who can make them laugh. Do you know any jokes?

Dexter: Yeah, but I'm not sure-

Walkie-Talkie: YeeEEAAAAAAH!! _Quiet Sobbing_ Look, I don't care. Just tell them okay?

Dexter: But they're- Oh hi Sophia. (hides the walkie-talkie)

Sophia: Hello (sits down)

Dexter: Yo Momma's so fat she sat on the rainbow and squeezed out skittles.

Sophia: Wait, what?

Dexter: Yo Momma's so ugly, whenever she walks by a toilet, it flushes!

Sophia: Hey! That's-

Dexter: Yo Momma is so short, she can sit on the curb and swing her legs!

Sophia: Dexter I don't-

Dexter: Yo Momma so stupid, she brought a ruler to bed with her, so she could see how long she slept! **And** eats shrimp!

Sophia: That's it Dexter, I never wanna see your face again!!

Dexter: But, but-

Sophia: I am so out of here! (storms out of the resturaunt)

Dexter: No please, come back! NOOOO!!

Waiter: Here's that 10 pound lobster you ordered. (Slams the beast of a sea crusteation onto the table) That'll be 210, plus tip.

Dexter: What?? I can't afford this!

Waiter: Oh? Then I guess I'll see you in the kitchen washing dishes then! (Throws a hairnet at him)

Dexter: Aw man!

_At Luigi's Table several hours later_

Luigi: (Crawling to the table) Uuuughh.

Dexter: There you are!

Luigi: Huh? Shouldn't your date be over by now?

Dexter: That ended hours ago when I had to eat 10 pounds of lobster after insulting my date! And why are you crawling?

Luigi: It hurts to much to walk. Shouldn't you be home by now?

Dexter: No! I had to wash 210 dishes because of you! (Throws his hairnet angrily at Luigi) I hate you! (Leaves the resturaunt angrily)

Luigi: Wait! Can you give me a ride home? Please? ...Dexter?

Manager: (Not noticing Luigi sprawled on the floor) Quitting Time! (Turns out the lights and locks the door)

Luigi: Nooooo!! ...Well, at least I have this delicious pie to eat. (Takes a bite)

Loud Gurgling: (Emits from Luigi's Stomach)

Luigi: Oh no...

**Question: Is Dexter an OOC?**

**Answer: How should I know?**

**Honestly, I just gave a toad a specific name. He will be featured many times in upcoming stories so maybe he is technically a I character I created for the story, but I don't think applying a name to an already established character is enough. Tell me what you guy think, possibly in a reveiw perhaps? (Wink, wink)**


	3. DoodleCakes

**Okay, look. So far almost 100 people read this story. Guess how many thought it was good enough for even a small comment. 1... single... person. This story's batting .010 and if it stays like that, I'm not bothering with it. Though I should mention I've turned "Anonymous Reveiws" on finally (my bad, people) so you can still poke your head in and say hi if you're not a member of the site. So what's your excuse now??**

**So about the story. Well, it's pretty much "Adventures in Grocery Retail", and I'll leave it at that. So read and enjoy (and tell me if you enjoy it would you?)**

* * *

Mario: (Enjoying another box of doodlecakes with a satisfied look on his face)

TV: and as we go into the bottom of the ninth the score is Mario Heroes: 0, Bowser Flames: 0...Are you sure there isn't anything more interesting on? Even a water skiing squirrel??

Door: (Opens and closes)

Luigi: (Offscreen) I'm home...where are the doodle cakes?

Mario: **O.0**

Luigi: (Still offscreen) I swear Mario, if I even find a single trace of DoodleCake crumbs on that couch (Mario frantically wipes off the sofa and desperately looks for a place to hide the empty boxes) I will rip off your overalls and force feed them to you as you hang upside-down helplessly from the flagpole at the end of world 1-1!

Mario: (After having found no place to hide the boxes) ... (Eats the boxes)

Luigi: Well, where are the doodlecakes Mario?

Mario: Shrugs

Luigi: Don't give me that! I've had a hard and long day Mario. And all I want to do after my busy schedule is to flop on the couch and eat doodlecakes until I look like you.

Mario: **:'**

Luigi: A little relaxation is all I ask for, but NooooooOOOOOOOooooooo. I have to go back to the store and buy some more!! (Leaves)

Mario: ...(Takes a doodlecake out of his pocket and starts to eat it)

_At the store_

Luigi: Alright, I have the DoodleCakes and the new batteries for my nightlight (Notices a Toad staring at him and deepens his voice) **I mean, batteries for my Power Tools, cause I'm a man that likes to do manly things, like doing things with power Tools**...(Walks away)

Luigi: (Coming up to the cash registers) Hmmm, which is the fastest? That one only has one guy in it, so I'll go over there- and why am I talking to myself?? (Gets in line)

Cashier: And the "Toilenator Power Scrubber comes to 12.98".

Toad: (Swipes his credit card through the machine)

Cashier: Nothing happened. Try it again.

Toad: (Swipes his credit card through the machine)

Cashier: Try it again.

Toad: (Swipes his credit card through the machine)

Cashier: Try it again.

Toad: (Swipes his credit card through the machine)

Cashier: Try it again.

Toad: (Swipes his credit card through the machine)

Cashier: Try it again.

Toad: (Swipes his credit card through the machine)

Cashier: Try it again.

Toad: (Swipes his credit card through the machine)

Cashier: Do you have it on the wrong side?

Luigi: (Moves over to the other register)

Cashier: And that'll be 3.98- Oh hey Steve. Anything happening lately?

Steve: Nothing much. Just got my Car fixed so I'm on my way to pick it up.

Cashier: Really? What happened to it?

Steve: Well for you to fully appreciate that story, I'll need to tell you about the Christmas of '97

Cashier: Well I've got nothing but time.

Steve: Wait, did I tell you about the time me and Doug were attacked by a racoon?

Cashier: I don't think I've heard that one.

Steve: I better tell you it so you get the christmas of '97 story. It all started when me and Doug decided to go out for some Chili Dogs

Luigi: (Checks the other register)

Cashier: Try it again...Try it again... Maybe this time... Nope, try it again... try it again... I got a good feeling about this one...try it again...

Luigi: (Checks the other register)

Steve: Then out of nowhere Doug screams, "It's got my wallet!!". So we chased after the racoon for what seemed like-

_Luigi would go on checking both registers constantly, but neither showed any signs of opening up. It seemed that the story would drag on forever, the credit card wouldn't work, and Luigi's DoodleCakes would go stale. But then, as if the heavens smiled down upon him, the credit card worked. Luigi would finally be able to go home. But as soon as the window of opportunity opened, it closed. Toad had gotten used to constantly swiping his card, and couldn't stop himself from swiping the card again. As the green letters lighted up to say "ERROR" Luigi collapsed to the ground, his legs going numb. And all Luigi could do was cry._

Luigi: (Loud Sobbing)

Cashier: Register 3 is now open

Luigi: After perking his head, dashes to the register so quickly that Sonic the hedgehog would have been put to shame

Cashier: May I help you sir?

Luigi: You most certainly may. I-

Little old lady: Excuse me sir, may I cut in front of you? I just have this one can of tuna to purchase.

Luigi: ...Okay. It _is_ one can, right?

Lady: Yes, Thank you.

_Since you can't tell from the typing, I'll have to inform you that little old ladies are very slow speakers. So when she talks, try to read the sentence as slowly as you can to get an idea of what Luigi is going through._

Lady: It's my cat's birthday today. His name is Smokey, and he's turning 5 years old today. So I thought that I would like to give him his favorite meal. (Puts it on the register)

Cashier: That'll be 1.45

Lady: What was the price?

Cashier: 1.45

Lady: Oh that's right. Just let me get my purse out... now let's see. 10 cents...15 cents... 25 cents... 50 cents... no wait, that was a nickel. So that make's it... 30 cents...

Luigi: (Checks register number 2)

Steve: And then he started spewing eggnog all over our new carpet-

Luigi: (Checks register #1)

Cashier: Try it again... Try it again... Try it again... Try it again...

Luigi: (Goes back to the 3rd register)

Lady: ...70 cents... 71 cents, 72 cents, 73 cents...Uh-Oh. I grabbed the wrong can. Smokey doesn't like this flavor, so I'll have to go back and-

Luigi: (Runs into the shelves and comes back out with an armload of cans) (Quickly naming them off) Tuna, liver, liver surprise, bacon liver, Tuna supreme, fishy liver, liver tuna, smokehouse liver, bacon and eggs, death by chocolate-

Lady: I think he likes the liver kind... but I don't know which... hmmm... I think I gave him bacon liver once-

Luigi: (Holding the can to her face) Here-you-go

Lady: But he threw up afterwards. And "Liver Surprise" was recalled I think, so maybe I'll go with fishy liver. Oh wait, he hates fish. What other liver cat food do you have?

Luigi: ...Liver...Plain, Liver.

Lady: Okay, I'll go with that one.

Luigi: YOU HAD THAT ONE TO BEGIN WITH!!

Lady: Did I? Silly me. Well I think this should cover it.

Cashier: (After making sure to count every dime, penny and nickel) You're 2 cents short.

Lady: Oh dear. Well let's see, here's a penny...oh snickerdoodle. I know I have another penny in here. Let's see...

Luigi: (checks on register 2)

Steve: And then it was christmas morning. So we finally got to open presents. I think I got a G.I. Toad, a toy rocket-

Luigi: (Checks on register 1)

Cashier: Try it again... Try it again... Try it again...

Luigi: Oh Come ON!! It's 13 dollars! Why don't you just pay in cash?!

Toad: ...That's not a bad idea. (Pulls out 13 dollars and hands it to the cashier)

Cashier: and 2 cents is your change.

Toad: Leaves

Luigi: (Comes up to the cash register)

Cashier: (Puts a closed sign on the desk)

Luigi: Hey!

Cashier: Sorry, but I'm already 6 minutes into my break. see ya in 54 minutes.

Luigi: (Goes over to register 2) Okay, enough of the story. I'm a paying customer who's been waiting too long!

Cashier: Do you mind? (I'm on break Gestures to the closed sign). I'm just visiting with a friend.

Luigi: (Goes over to the only open register)

Lady: ...There it is. (Slaps the penny on the desk)

_Suddenly balloons and confetti filled the room, and a large sign saying "1,000,000th customer" came down_

News reporter: I'm here with the store's one millionth customer. Would you like to say anything?

Lady: Oh, dear... well first of all I'd like to say happy birthday to Smokey...

_Luigi couldn't beleive his eyes. He was one position away from being the one millionth customer and being on TV. Then he realized that if he hadn't told that Toad to use cash instead of a credit card, he'd still be there swiping the card, meaning the old lady would be customer # 999,999 and Luigi would be the one millionth customer. It was almost enough to make him cry_

New reporter: As the one Millionth customer you get a 10,000 dollar spending spree at the mega mall and an all expense paid trip to Isle Delfino for 2 weeks, with Super Model Daisy. Then you'll come home to your new beach house mansion, complete with swimming pool, monorail, theatre, and a lifetime supply of DoodleCakes.

_Luigi Cried_

* * *

**That was good. Right? Am I right? I can't tell because I'm getting no other opinions over here! A story could have a million veiws, but if nobody liked it then what would be the point? Also, I wouldn't have much fun writing this if I didn't think it was going to be appreciated by all my (if any) fans. So please drop a kind, soul-crushing, soggy, or megalomaniacal word. Any word will do, as long as I get some stinking feedback.**


	4. Jelly Injecting

****

Woooh! Not one, not two, but THREE reveiws are in! Suh-weet! So here's another chapter for you guys.

**Luigi finally "gets with it" and now owns his own computer. After all, what could go wrong on the internet?**

**Also, this chapter introduces Dexter's (dysfunctional) family. So let's get this gravy train a-rollin'!**

* * *

Luigi: Hey Mario, guess what I'm doing.

Mario: ...

Luigi: I'm baking cookies. But not for you. I'm making them for our neighbors to make up for the horrible, unmentionable things that you did to them.

Flashback: (Shows Mario Drinking from a birdbath, looking satisfied, and then uncomfortable)

Mario: (Looks frantically around the yard while clutching his crotch and dancing, and comes onto a rose bush, where he releives himself, and then leaves)

Dexter: (Talking to his friend) ...and this is where I hide my secret stash of cookies (Reaches under the same spot in the bush where Mario was and pulls out a cookie)

Dexter's friend: It's kinda soggy. Maybe you shouldn't hide this outdoors where it rains.

Dexter: I suppose you're right, but hey. A cookie's a cookie. (Starts to take a bite) (Flashback stops the splitsecond before they bite the cookies)

Luigi: Maybe cookies wouldn't be the best things too give them. I suppose you can have them Mar- Hey (Looking in the oven window) Where are my cookies?

Mario with his mouth full of cookies: (Shrugs)

Luigi: You sicken me! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a family to befriend.

_Over at Dexter's house_

Luigi staring at the TV: (On the couch) ... Boy, I'm hungry.

Dexter: Me too, Hey Mom! When's dinner going to be ready?

Dexter's Mom: In 10 minutes dear.

Luigi: MAN! We wouldn't have this problem if she started cooking ten minutes sooner!

Dexter: I getting sick of this show. Why don't you pick something Luigi?

Luigi: (Picks up the remote) Sure I- Whoa! That is a **lot** of buttons.

Dexter: You act like you've never seen a remote like that before.

Luigi: I haven't. I mean, what does PREV. do?

Dexter: It takes you to the last channel you were watching?

Luigi: Why can't you just type in the number again? Are people really that lazy?

Dexter: Just pick something already! I can't take any more Oprah!

Luigi: Ummm, how do I change the channel with this?

Dexter: You go to GUIDE, select all channels, press PAGE UP or PAGE DOWN to scroll through the channels, press INFO to see if the show is good, the press OK.

Luigi: Hmmmmm, where's the first button?

Dexter: What's wrong with you!? Are seriously that technologically challenged?

Luigi: No! I know techno stuff!

Dexter: How much RAM does your Modem have?

Luigi: How much what does my what have?

Dexter: You do have a computer right?

Luigi: I don't even know what a computer is.

Dexter: (Eye twitching) OH...MY...GOSH!!

Luigi: What, is that bad?

Dexter: (Backing into the corner) Get away from me you freak!

Luigi: Huh?? But I-

Dexter: (Holding a shovel) I said back off Jack!

Luigi: ...Dexter?

_Back at the Mario house_

Luigi: I don't get it. When Dexter found out I didn't have a cimpuper, he freaked on me for some reason.

Parakarry: You mean _Computer?_

Luigi: Sure. Besides I don't see what the big deal is.

Parakarry: I'll tell you what the big deal is. Everyone around you is advancing at a faster rate than you, becoming more intelligent and knowledgable, meanwhile you don't even know what a URL is. Even kids' shoes are becoming more advanced than you are.

Luigi: Yeah right.

Parakarry: My shoes blow a puff of air on my toes with every step I take, I'd like to see you do that.

Luigi: (After looking intensley at Paratroopa momentarily, drops onto the floor and starts blowing on Paratroopa's feet) _Puff Puff Puff_

Parakarry: (Starts to walk)

Luigi: (Follows on his knees, but quickly runs out of breath and flops on the gound tired) ...Fine! Where do I get a computer?

_At the mall_

Toad: Hi! Welcome to Tekki Gear, where you can shop for all of your computer needs.

Luigi: I need to buy a computer.

Toad: What kind of computer were you thinking of?

Luigi: Something that will make my child look me in the eye again. Well, not my child, but the neighbor's.

Toad: Whoa, something to impress a kid that grew up with technology? Hmmm...It's not going to be easy, but I think I have just what you're looking for. We call it-

Game Show Announcer: The Tekki 4000! The latest in Laptop technology, the Tekki comes with a chargeable battery lasting a full half of 10 minutes, weighs an extrememly portable 23 lbs. and comes with an installed keyboard at no extra charge. All of this can be yours if the price is right.

Luigi: How much is it?

Toad: 32,000 dollars.

Luigi: That sounds about right. Just let me get out my crowbar- I mean, my "checkbook".

Toad: Ooh, sorry. Cash only here at Tekki Gear.

Luigi: Well, what can I get for (Reaches in his pocket) ...a torn movie ticket?

Toad: You can get out of my store.

Luigi: (Brings out a clipboard) Tsk Tsk.

Toad: What's that?

Luigi: Your score. I'm the mall's secret shopper. Gotta say, not too happy with your services...

Toad: 0.O...Ummm, hey I was kidding about all of the stuff I said.

Luigi: So how much is that computer of yours? (gestures towards the clip board)

Toad: A torn movie ticket?

Luigi: Bingo (Gives him the torn ticket, takes the computer and leaves)

Game Show announcer: Thanks for playing "The price is right". See you next time.

_At the Mario House_

Luigi: Now to set this little baby up. The manual says I must first type in a password. I'll make it "Luigi" (Starts typing) What the? My keyboard's busted. It's only typing asterisks in the password box...I'll just make it 5 asterisks. (Presses the keyboard 5 times) Now what about my username. It should reflect me, yet make me look hot... (Snaps) (Types "Luigi"). Now that's a sexy username. Press enter and we're on our way.

Laptop: Welcome Luigi.

Luigi: ...Hi?

Laptop: You're obviously a sexy man with great tastes to select the Tekki 4000. But you may just call me Tekki.

Luigi: Thanks...Tekki.

Tekki: You're welcome Luigi. Is there anything you'd like to ask?

Luigi: What would be the best way to show my neighbor I'm not a "Techno-deprived Loser-face"

Tekki: E-mail. I'll bring you to your inbox right now...(Goes online to )

Luigi: OOOoooh. I don't have this thing for 2 minutes and women are already sending me E-mail. (Clicks the E-mail) ...Hey, this isn't from a hottie! It's some sort of ad for cheap spray-on deoderant. Is there anyway to block this?

Tekki: _Ping_ You have mail Luigi.

Luigi: (Opens the Mail) "Hello friend. Please donate to the Sweaden Trust security fund in order to allow our government to continue our current state of living. Without your donation we will no longer be able to provide swiss cheese, swiss chocolate, or swiss bank accounts to your country/village. We promise this is not a scam. Simply put your name, personal info, security number, bank account number, and credit card information into the spaces below. Swedan thanks you." I'm not going to give them money.

Tekki: Because you can tell it's a scam from the fact Sweden doesn't have it's own government, one donation will not decide the fate of future exporting, and the fact they spelled "Sweden" wrong, twice?

Luigi: No. If I give them money that means I have less (Glances over to an empty doodlecake box)

Doodlecake box: "Made with 100 Sweden Chocolate."

Luigi: _Girly Shriek_ (Frantically fills the spaces with info and presses send)

Tekki: I don't think that was a good idea Luigi.

Luigi: Why not?

Toad: Sir, please get of the couch.

Luigi: (Stands up)

Toad: (Drags the couch out the door)

Luigi: Hey! What are you doing with that?? (Runs outside to see several moving trucks and many of Luigi's items) What's going on?

Toad: You've exceeded you're credit card limit so much that the company has to reposess these items in order to allow you to pay off the debt. Which reminds me (snatches Luigi's credit card and cuts it in half). Here's your bill. (Hands the long paper to Luigi)

Luigi: WHOA!! I don't remember getting this stuff! When did I buy an olympic swimming pool? Do you see a swimming pool?

Toad: I don't care about your swimming pool because I can't reposess it.

Luigi: Well how much of my stuff are you going to take?

_Luigi's question was answered when his entire house was torn off of it's foundation by a Moving truck chained to it. Luigi watched as his house, belongings, and a screaming, confused Mario strapped to the back of one of the trucks disappeared into the sunset. But what really hurt Luigi was that they went as far as to reposess his reposession trucks by having all of the small trucks drive into one enormous truck. Even Tekki was gone, and with no one else to comfort him, Luigi had to find a new home, unless he ended up living in the streets of the Mushroom Kingdom._

Dexter: No

Luigi: Come on Dexter! Why not?

Dexter: Mom says we can't invite hobos into the house

Luigi: I'm not a Hobo, I'm your neighbor, your pal, your...some other third thing. How am I a hobo?

Dexter: Only a Hobo couldn't figure out a TV Remote.

Luigi: Could you at least ask your parents if I can stay?

Dexter: ...Hey Mom? Can this hobo live with us?

Dexter's Mom's Voice: No sweetie.

Dexter: Thems the breaks. (Slams the door)

Luigi: Why you little. Open this door!

Dexter: (Opens door) Why do you even want in. You have your own...house (realizes there's no house next to his) Dude. Where's your house?

Luigi: It disappeared through the internet.

Dexter: Internet? You got a computer?

Luigi: I got a Tekki 4000 to impress you, but it was reposessed with my house.

Dexter: ...Hey mom, can my friend stay over for a few nights?

Dexter's Mom: Sure thing honey.

_At the dinner table_

Luigi: Hey Dexter, how come you never told me you had a brother?

Dexter: Didn't I? I better introduce you. Luigi, this is my brother Tim, Tim, Luigi

Luigi: Hey Tim. So what do you like to do for fun?

Tim: I play with my pet Jerry. You wanna meet him?

Luigi: Sure.

Tim: (Plops a cage with an orange in it on the table)

Luigi: 0.O...Your pet's an... orange?

Tim: Yeah, (Becomes very creepy) I keep him in a cage so he can't escape.

Dexter: Now you know why I haven't introduced you.

Luigi: So, Dexter's dad, what do you do for a living?

Dexter's Dad: I put jelly on the inside of doughnuts.

Luigi: Whoa! Tell me how you do it. Please!

Dexter Dad: I do it with a jelly injector.

Luigi: A wha?

Dexter's Dad: Imagaine a huge hypdermic needle with an extra long and thick needle on the end, filled...with jelly.

Luigi: Um...(Sweating) how thick is the needle?

Dexter's Dad: It can poke through a Truck tire. In fact, one slip up, and I'd put money on you killing yourself.

Luigi: Heh heh, funny.

Dexter's Dad: You think I'm joking? I'm serious about my work Mr. FunnyPants. If I don't fully concentrate on my duty at all time, dire consequences would surely occur.

Luigi: ... If I injected my stomach with jelly, would it be like eating it?

Dexter's Dad: Some intern always tries it, and every time they miss their stomach completely. Ever seen a jelly filled pancreas, I have it floating in a jar.

Luigi: ... Please tell me your mother's sane.

Dexter's mom: Just a few more minutes guys. The recipe says I need to cook the mayonaisse to a golden brown and _then_ add the olives.

Luigi: (Turns to Dexter) How are you not insane?

Dexter: I dunno.

Dexter's Dad: You know son, I don't think you ever thanked Luigi to taking you to that one movie.

Luigi: I don't blame him. I should apologize for taking him to that monstrosity.

Dexter: Actually, I liked it.

Luigi: (Jumps from his seat) You're all insane! Get away from me you freaks! (Runs out the door and slams into a Toad)

Toad: (Blocking the doorway) Luigi, we need to talk.

Luigi: About what?

Toad: Your still abusing your credit card privileges even though we got rid of your card. You have been sentenced to the death penalty.

Luigi: WHAT!? But I'm a victim of identity theft!

Toad: That's what they all say, now come with me.

Luigi: Where are you taking me?

Toad: To a fate worse than the underwhere itself

_At the set of Full House_

Toad: Now get in the audience with the rest of those credit card abusers!

Luigi: What's going on?

Toad: Nick at Nite is resurrecting "Full House" in an all new season, and you are the permanent studio audience.

Audience: (Screams of Pain and Terror)

Toad: Camera's roll in 3... 2... 1...

Danny Tanner: Well maybe if you thought about that Canadian guy actually being an alien in disguise, then maybe you wouldn't have angered him with your cheese puns and caused him to attack all of northern Minnesota.

Michelle: Sorry Daddy. Next time I'll think about the almost impossible results of future actions before I do them.

Danny: That's my little girl.

Audience Member: You suck Bob Sa- Ow! What's with the electrocution? Ow! I just asked a question! Aieee! I'll be quiet.

Toad: Good!

_This was worse than any experience Luigi had prior to that moment, for not only did he have to suffer the lame jokes and diolague, but he also had to endure the flubs, not funny bloopers, and Michelle's constant giggling. It was a wonder they got 12 seasons done. Luigi knew there was only one way out._

Luigi: Does anyone have a Jelly injector?

Audience Member: Here ya go! (Tosses him said injector)

Luigi: Thanks (points it at himself) this is the only way out, but I'm glad that it was jelly filled (Closes his eyes and prepares the injector) ...I...can't...do it. (Throws the injector away in defeat)

Bob Saget: And that's why we're a big happy family. And I will now ramble on about how Miche- Aieeee! My bladder's being injected with delicious jelly filling!

Luigi: Uh-oh. Is that bad?

_At the gallow_s

Toad: Luigi is fined with the death penalty for the death of Bob Saget. Although a joyous moment, the 26th amendmant states that "He dead, you dead". Do you have any last words Luigi?

Luigi: Well, I have a request.

Toad: And what is that request?

Luigi: (Thinking quickly) Well, I used to be a singer, and if I could sing my favorite song one time through from beginning to end without interuption, then I would die a happy man.

Toad: That sounds reasonable. After all, you did do us all a favor, so you may sing you song when you're ready.

Luigi: Thank you. Ahem ...A million bottles of beer on the wall, a million bottles of beer, ya take one down, pass it around, 999,999 bottles of beer on the wall...

**So that's it... okay... I guess you can leave now. But not before writing a reveiw of course.**


	5. Polkadot Mustache

**Strangely, Luigi doesn't suffer that much in this chapter. Because he's to busy making everyone else suffer. Read on to find out how.**

* * *

Luigi: Man, the Toad Network has really run dry on shows.

TV: We now continue our live feed of the Japanese Network... Tonight on "Lengendary Legend or Mysterious Mystery" we take a look at, the F-. Many Japanese have come to know the F- a rumor started back in the 90's, but is this mythical being actually around?

Japanese Toad: No way man. They just tell us about the F- for the same reasons they tell us about Santa Cluase. They do it for kicks.

Narrator: And yet there have been grainy images of the F- circulating for years (Shows several extremely bad photos of childrens' report cards with F-'s in subjects). One of those witnesses prefers to be anonymous so the F- cannot seek him out. So we'll call him "Bob"

Sillohuette of a Mustache: But that's my real name.

Narrator: Who cares, they don't know what you look like Bob. Now tell us when you saw this alleged F-

Bob: Well, I used to live on this college students lip, he wore green almost all the time, and gave me my name while I was very young beleiving that I "should have my on identity". Well the kid worked very hard in college, but he ran into trouble in his senior year. He forgot to write his college thesis until the night before it was due. He tried to write 100 pages on how sexy and good looking he was because that's what he knew best. Because of the poor topic, and the poorer paper he turned in, he received a big, fat F- on his final transcript. He could only get a job as a plumber.

Luigi: Man that Bob guy is so familiar

Narrator: We'll be back, after these messages.

Toad on TV: Hey! Do you think our network sucks? That we need a better line-up?

Luigi: Yeah

Toad: Think you could come up with an awesome show? One that everyone would want to see?

Luigi: Yes.

Toad: Then come on down to the network station and pitch your idea for the show. The best idea will be made into a pilot, which will then be voted on by the Mushroom Kingdom whether for it to become a series. The winner will receive 5 dollars. Cash.

Luigi: Aw Yeah! I can finally unleash the "Luigi show" to the TV's across the kingdom! I've been working on this pilot all my life, and it will be the most awesome show you've ever seen! It's absolutely garunteed to win!

_At the station_

Toad: So what's the idea behind the Luigi Show?

Luigi: Okay, picture it in your mind. We fade in from the title, close-up of my face, then go to commercial...That's the show.

Toad: ...Uh, we'll keep you in touch.

Luigi: (Holding up a ventriloquest dummy) Wait, don't you want to know what I do when we come back from commercial?

Toad: GET OUT OF MY OFFICE SAGET!! ...oops, sorry, force of habit. But please leave.

Luigi: But-

Toad: NOW!!

_At the Mario House_

Luigi: That toad wouldn't know great entertainment if it bit him on the butt.

Parakarry: Shut up, the show's back on! (turns up the volume)

Toad: Well our first, and only entry is the "Luigi Show". For those of you complaining at home, it's your fault for not entering.

TV: (Depicts the Luigi Show exactly as Luigi described it)

Luigi: Whoa, now that I think in retrospect, maybe I made a horrible mistake...

Mario: (Nods his head)

Luigi: ...for not putting this sexy face on TV sooner!

Toad on TV: Well, there you have it. Sorry about the 2 minutes of your life we wasted but at least we'll never have show this thing again (notices the vote counter rising)...what?? What idiot would vote for this show to be a series?

Luigi: (Texting on a cell phone)

Toad: Alright, if you don't want us to waste money on this then text to the number below (number appears below)...please? Is anyone watching the channel anymore? ...Come on! Out of the kindness of your heart, please vote against the show if your watching. (Starts crying) I'm begging you! Isn't there one person who cares?

_On the set of the Luigi Show_

Toad: (Angrily) Okay Luigi, this is where you come onto the stage to an appluading audience (Shows the empty stands) who will be CGI. Your opening joke is, "I just cleaned an old lady's toilet, and boy did the pay stink" 0.O ...Who wrote this junk??

Luigi: I did, you didn't want to waste show on writers, so I write my own material.

Toad: Right. And it's going to stay that way. The camera's will be rolling in 3... 2... (mouths "one")

Luigi: (Comes running on the stage) Hey. I just cleaned an old lady's toilet, and boy did the pay stink! (laugh track plays) On today's show we'll take a look on what old people think about themselves, and then I get to interveiw a special surprise guest, but first, I'd like you to meet a wondeful man, who I like to call (Pulls out a ventriloquest dummy that looks like Luigi) Mini Luigi! So Mini Luigi, what's it like to be a dummy? (Still moving his lips but in a high voice) _Who you calling dummy, dummy!_ Hey, now that's not nice!_ Neither is your act!_ (To the camera) I can't work with this guy

Mini Luigi: (Jumps off of Luigi's hand and stands up by himself) And I can't work with that thing you call a face

Luigi: You better watch yourself

Mini Luigi: You better watch yourself too, tubby

Luigi: Butthead! (Kicks mini Luigi offstage in an angry flurry of rage and betrayal) _Pant Pant_ ...Uh, and now let's go to the toad on the street.

Toad: Thanks Luigi, Today I'm going to ask several old people questions, like this little lady right here. Hi there, what's your name?

Lady: Joy.

Toad: Hey, Joy, do you think your old?

Joy: Do you think you're stupid?

Toad: ...I don't see how that's relevant

Joy: Just because I don't like to think I'm old doesn't mean I'm not.

People on the street: OOOOooooooh

Toad: (Fighting back tears) Back...to you...Luigi...(Starts Crying) ...I quit!

Luigi: Okey-Dokey then, now. It's time for, the super secret special guest interveiw!! Today, I'll be interveiwing..._Drum roll_ ...MYSELF!

Luigi with a polka-dot mustache: Hey there Luigi.

Luigi with a normal mustache: What's u- whoa! What's with the mustache?

Polka-dot: What? My mustache? It's just the latest thing to do.

Normal: Where'd you hear that?

Polka-dot: Mario told me. He's always into the latest stuff. Especially if it's from 20 years ago.

Normal: Does Mario have a polka-dot mustache?

Polka-dot: No way man, he's too cool for that.

Normal: But you aren't to cool for it, I see.

Polka-dot: Are ya insultin' the 'stache?

Normal: Well I'm not saying that only a clown would wear that, because it goes without saying.

Polka-dot: Atleast I'm not so wimpy enough to have a diary!! (holds up a green book)

Normal: It's a Journal!

Polka-dot: Okay, let's what your "jounal" has to say, on page 14 perhaps?

Normal: You wouldn't.

Polka-dot: "Dear Journal, today I was finally invited to my bro's birthday party after the year I fell into his cake face first whilst being pummeled from an agitated clown. But when I got there everybody threw cake at my face. By the time I had regained visibilty, I was hoisted up by a rope. Then my memory goes blurry after that, and all I can remember was some fat kid holding a stick and screming something about candy falling."

Normal: That's it!! (Rips Luigi's Polka-dot mustache right off his face)

Bare Lip: (Feeling where his mustache used to be) That's it! This interveiw is OVER!! (Leaves the stage crying)

Luigi: Hey! You can't walk out on me you bare-lipped freak! Get back here! (looks at the camera awkwardly)... We'll be back after these short messages. (Turns to his producer) So how am I doing Toad. Toad?

Toad: (In the feetle position in the corner of the room hyperventilating into a paper bag) ...I...am...so...fired.

Luigi: Don't freak out because we used up all of the show's material before the first commercial break, just have fun with it.

Toad: ...Why me? Why pick on little old me?

_At the Mario House_

Luigi: Well the show's a no-go, Mario. The boss said she hated the Chuck Norris references in it.

Mario: ??

Luigi: I don't get it either, _sigh_. Oh well, I wonder who'll fill my time slot.

TV: Up next is the Mini Luigi Show, on the Toad Network

Luigi: Hey! He wouldn't have gotten his break if it weren't for me! The little ungrateful butthead... oh, well. This face will shine again on the bigscreen someday, maybe sooner than any of us think.

Mario: ?

Luigi: It's a cliff hanger! Don't you know anything about show business?

**Yeah, that one was pretty short wasn't it? But I'll make for it, by posting my longest, and favorite Luigi story up tomorrow. That's right, cream of the crop tomorrow, so don't miss it!**


	6. Slapping

****

Alright! 300 hits! I feel so loved...(hugs himself). Yeah so, we're coming close to running out of chapters here. And although I only have 4 reveiws, all of them say how much they love the series, and I know I don't write a reveiw for every story I think is awesome. So I'm pretty happy about it right now.

**This is one of my personal favorites, and I don't want to spoil anything for you guys in the introduction. So go on and read it.**

* * *

Luigi: (In bed) Ugh. Why can't I get to sleep? I'm tired, I have a nice warm bed, and Bob is groomed to perfection (Shows Luigi wearing a night cap on both his head and his moustache). So why can't I get to sleep?

Mario: (Loud Snore)

Luigi: Oh yeah. Well I'm sure a little T.V. will get my eyes tired and sleepy (turns on the TV)

TV: Welcome back to the monster horror movie marathon

Luigi: (Changes Channels) I better not watch anything that'll give me nightmares.

Bob Saget: Of course I forgive you for hiding the dead body in the trunk of my car Michelle. And as soon as they let me out of jail in 25 years I'm going to give you a big hug!

Luigi: Dang! (Turns off TV) Stupid Bob Saget! (Sigh) Well maybe if I just think about the fluffy pillows and the warm blanket, I'll slowly drift off to sleep...Nope. Jeez, I bet it's like 4 in the morning, I've been up so long! (Looks at the clock)

Clock: 10:12 pm

Luigi: _Groan_ It's going to be a loooong night. Well as long as I don't think about monsters under my bed, or how easily a serial killer could sneak into my home, or how little I've put away for my kids college fund I'll be okay (Shows the outside of the house) ..._Girl Scream_

Luigi: (Crouched in the corner) I know you're there Bob Saget! You're not getting me tonight! (Floor Board Creaks) I mean it, don't come closer (Floor Board Squeaks) I'm warning you! (Floor Board Bending) I've got Mario on Speed Dial!

Mouse: (Comes into the moonlight)

Luigi: Oh, it's just you Jerry. Whew, and now that my mind is at ease, and I have the ability to uncurl my toes again, I can...finally _yawn_...go to bed (Slowly closes eyes) ...MAN!! Why can't I sleep? I need to be rested tomorrow for my date with Daisy. And If I don't get my beauty sleep I'll look like something that came out of Mario's-

Loud Voice: MAIL CALL!

Luigi: (Wakes up from the bed he's suddenly in)(Looks around to realize he was just dreaming about not being able to sleep) ...This is going to be _such_ a bad day. (Walks out to the Mail Box)

Parakarry: Sorry I'm late today, but I had to deliver 6 Purebred Chain Chomps today, stupid online pet store. I'm really behind schedule.

Luigi: Really? What time is it?

Parakarry: About Noonish.

Luigi: OH _BEEEEP_! (Runs inside) I'm late for my date with Daisy, wait I bet this is another stupid dream sequence! (Slaps himself)

Luigi: (Wakes up from the couch he's suddenly laying down on) YES!! (Looks at the clock)

Clock: 3:23 pm

Luigi: NO!! (Starts to repeatedly slap himself) Wake Up! Wake Up!

Mario: (Comes in with a check for a million dollars signed for Luigi from the sweepstakes warehouse but becomes slightly disturbed from Luigi's slapping of himself and slowly backs away)

Luigi: WAKE UP!! _Loud Slap... Heavy Panting_

Phone Rings

Luigi: (Answering the Phone) Hello?

Daisy: (Angrily) Where are you?! I've been here for 4 hours waiting for _you!_ You better have either been a) fending for your life b) Saving helpless children or c) better be preparing a surprise party for me or you as dead as 2 legged possum crossing the interstate!

Luigi: Um, I was saving an endangered species

Daisy: Which one?

Luigi: ... um, baby kittens?

Daisy: (impressed) Oh, really? I love baby kittens!

Luigi: I know you do, so I made sure to save them from certain extinction, for you.

Daisy: (Sweetly) That's so thoughtful. While you're at it, there's another species that needs saving...

Luigi: Which one?

Daisy: (Angry again) YOU!! (Slams the phone)

Luigi: ... help...

Mario: (On the kitchen phone holding Luigi's Check)

Voice coming from the phone: You want a Million dollars worth of Pepperoni and Mushroom Pizza?

Luigi: (Comes bursting through the door)

Mario: (Slams the phone and feebly smiles)

Luigi: Quick, I need someway to either make up a missed date with Daisy or flee the country!

Mario: (Looks at the check, then Luigi, then the check, then Luigi) ...

Luigi: MARIO!!

Mario: (gives Luigi the check)

Luigi: Thank you Mar- hey. This is addressed to me!! You jerk!

Daisy: (Standing in the door way) I'll decide who the jerk is around here!

Luigi: (In a scared girly voice) Oh NO!

Daisy: You have 6 seconds to tell me why you stood me up!!

Luigi: I, uh, was uh, waiting for my dry cleaning?

Daisy: You have clothes on.

Luigi: Yeah, but my good suit isn't back yet.

Daisy: Fine, I'll just wait for your suit to arrive.

Luigi: It's not like they deliver dry cleaning

Parakarry: (Through the window carrying clothes) Yes they do!

Luigi: ... (Gets into the feetle position with his eyes tightly shut) I know what you're thinking right now Daisy, but before you do what you're about to do, I have one request; I'd like my death to be quick and painless...Daisy? (Looks up to see he is at the gates of the Underwhere)

Gateskeeper: Welcome Luigi, we've been expecting you for sometime now.

Luigi: I'm dead? No, I can't be dead! THIS CAN'T BE REAL!! (Starts Slapping Himself) Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up!

Gateskeeper: (Slapping and "Wake Up" Mantra continues in the background) Can there be one person that doesn't freak out? Why can't they just say "bummer" and get over it?

Luigi: (On the ground with red, puffy cheeks) Okay, so I'm **not** dreaming? But shouldn't I be in the overthere? I'm a good person.

Gateskeeper: Well let's see. (Holds up a scroll) You've tramatized 56 children with your face alone, called 42 individuals "fatty", "butter buns", and "Bob Saget", wore socks and sandals at the same time at the beach, and there's also the matter about the shrub

Luigi: You guys know about the shrub?

Gatekeeper: Yes, and you should be very ashamed of yourself. Now, If you'll please deposit your soul into the soul box and step onto the step climber please. (The gates opened up to reveal one of man kind's most devilish creations, the StepClimber 2000 and a shoe box with a slit in the top and "Soul Box" written in Sharpie on it's side)

Luigi: (Dropping to his knees) Please! There has to be a way into the overthere, I don't want to spend the rest of eternity on a StepClimber.

Gateskeeper: Don't worry. Entertainment will be brought to you in the form of a drunk, tone deaf secratery singing to her favorite NSync Songs.

Luigi: (Crying) (In a whiny child's voice) I don't wanna go! I wanna be in the overthere! (More Crying and Balling)

Gateskeeper: Fine! There's a way to get in the over there.

Luigi: (Stops crying) There is?

Gateskeeper: If you become a gardian angel and do your job well, then you can go to the overthere.

Luigi: I'll do it!

Gateskeeper: Okay then. Let's find out who you're child is (Flatscreen comes down from the ceiling) in-

Audience: WHEEL, OF, GAURDING!! _Cheers_

Luigi: (Spins the wheel)

Wheel: (Spins very fast, but quickly slows down until the arrow points at "Little Susie")

Audience: _Loud Cheers_

Wheel: (Rotates a little more so that the arrow lands on "Bowser Jr.")

Audience: _Mix of "Boo"s and "Aw"s_

Gateskeeper: Oooh, you must now protect and guide this little brat (Motions to the flatscreen)

Bowser Jr: (On a chandelier) Wheeee!

Bowser: If you don't come off that 800 pound Chandelier then you're grounded, Mister.

Bowser Jr: (Sarcastically) Oooh, I'm so scared! (Chandelier Breaks and falls on Bowser) Whoa, it killed him...AWESOME!!

Luigi: (Eye twitches as the Flat Screen goes black)

Gateskeeper: Now remember Luigi, it's your job too not only protect this kid from himself, but to also be his conscience and guide and teach him right from wrong. Also, if you fail to do both, then your eternity here will be spent like this (points to the flat screen)

Flat Screen: Shows two chairs in a small white room with no door or window.

Bob Saget: (Occupying one of the chairs) Boy I wish I had someone to lecture too.

Gateskeeper: Good luck Luigi, you're going to need it.

Luigi: (Gets sucked into a swirling vortex while screaming "No! I wanna spin again!")

_At Bowser's Castle_

Bowser: I hope this little lecture has taught you something.

Bowser Jr: "If a chandelier is crushing anyone, it better be Mario and not my father". But I still don't get how you keep coming back from the dead every time you die.

Bowser: (Rubbing his hand in Jr's hair) and you never will (leaves)

Bowser Jr: ...Now I'm bored...Guess it's time to harass the goombas.

Luigi: (Popping out of a swirling vortex screaming) -pin again! ...(Turns around to see Bowser Jr.) ...Hi

Bowser Jr: ...Aren't you that green freak that Mario hangs out with?

Luigi: (With a big stupid grin) I sure am!

Bowser Jr: I'm calling the cops.

Luigi: You can't! I'm your Gaurdian Angel!

Bowser Jr: ...I'm definetly calling the cops!

Luigi: I'm serious! I'm being tested right now in order to get into the overthere, cause I'm dead.

Bowser Jr: How'd you die?

Luigi: Well I was supposed to be on a date with Daisy, but I forgot it and she killed me.

Bowser Jr: Were you seriously on a date with Daisy? Because if you were then I wouldn't have to worry about burning in the pits of the underwhere.

Luigi: How's that?

Bowser Jr: Because the Underwhere evidently froze over.

Luigi: Jerk! I oughta kill you where you stand!

Bowser Jr: I don't think my Gaurdian Angel would say that to me. Now I'm not convinced that you're really a Gaurdian Angel.

Luigi: I am, watch I bet I even have Gaurdian Angel powers, like walking through walls. (Bangs into the wall) What the heck? I'm solid?

Gateskeeper's voice: Well if you went through everything then you couldn't protect him well could you?

Luigi: So do I have any powers?

Gateskeeper's voice: Nope, In fact it's practically like your still alive and powerless.

Luigi: Well in that case I'm going home.

Gateskeeper's voice: Uh-uh-uh. Remember you're contract?

TV Screen: (Shows the same white room with Bob Saget)

Bob Saget: (Wandering around the room with sun tan lotion) Hello? Anybody? I need someone to rub this on my back. Seriously, I need someone right now or else I'm going to start peeling! Don't make me hug you guys, 'cause I haven't bathed for 6 minutes straight, and I really reek!

Luigi: How long do I have to do this?

Gateskeeper's voice: Until he learns from right and wrong and can prevent himself from injury

Luigi: Do you know right from wrong?

Baby Bowser: No, but I know how to give a guy a punch in the stomach if he reaches for the same Doodlecake as me.

Luigi: Can you prevent yourself from being injured?

Baby Bowser: Totally! I can ride a dirt bike naked without worry of my safety. I do it every Saturday.

Gateskeeper's Voice: Good Luck Luigi, we'll be watching you.

Another Voice: Where am I?

Gateskeeper's voice: You're in the underwhere AllHailMario, you're dead.

AllHailMario's voice: What?? NO! I can't be dead! This is probably just a stupid Cameo appearance. _Slap_ Exit scene! _Slap_ Exit Scene! _Slap_ EXIT SCENE!! _Slap_

Luigi: ... So let's get started with ethics 101.

Bowser Jr: I'm bored already. I wanna play "Hit the stupid Angel with the Bob-Omb".

Luigi: What? (Bob-Omb smacks him in the face) OW!! That really hurt!

Bowser Jr: Man, it was a dud. I bet the next one won't be (holds up another Bob-Omb with a wicked smile on his face)

Luigi: (Grabs the Bob-Omb) Stop it! This is wrong and dangerous! Do you want me to spend an eternity with Bob Saget??

Bowser Jr: Maybe.

Luigi: ...You are a sick, sick boy. (Stomach Gurgles) Whoa, looks like it's snack time (holds up a DoodleCake)

Bowser Jr: (Stares at the DoodleCake)

Luigi: (Looks at Bowser Jr, then hides the Doodle Cake)

Bowser Jr: Looks like it's kick the angel-

Luigi: (Brings out the Doodle Cake)

Bowser Jr: (Looks at the DoodleCake, transfixed) ...

Luigi: (Hides the DoodleCake)

Bowser Jr: in the-

Luigi: (Brings out the DoodleCake)

Bowser Jr: ...

Luigi: (Hides the DoodleCake)

Bowser Jr: Balls Time! (Kicks Luigi in the balls)

Luigi: (In a whiny voice) I think I'm onto something. (Collapses)

_Cut to little old Lady on street corner_

Old Lady: Oh dear!

Bowser Jr: (Walking up) What?

Lady: Smokey ran across the street, and now I can't get him with all of this traffic.

Bowser Jr: I'll take care of it (Puts on a crossing gaurd uniform and walks out into the street, and then puts his hand up)

Traffic: (Stops)

Lady: (Crossing the street) Thank you sonny.

Bowser Jr: You're welcome. (Points traffic through after she gets to the other side until the street is clear, then motions the little old lady to cross)

Lady: (Slowly walks across)

Oncoming car: (Speeds down the road)

Bowser Jr: (Puts his stop sign up)

Oncoming Car: (Shows no sign of slowing down)

Little Old Lady: (Shuffling her feet at 1/2 a mile per hour in the middle of the street) We can outrun it Smokey!!

Bowser Jr: (Realizing the car can't stop in time, drops the sign and braces himself)

Car: (Comes into the intersection at 60 MPH)

Bowser Jr: (Stops the car dead on the spot with his bare hands)

Mario: (Comes flying out of the windsheild playing air-guitar whilst listening to punk rock on his MP3 player)

Lady: (Continuing her Slow-as-Molasses Pace) Thanks again.

Bowser Jr: No prob.

Luigi: (Walks up to Bowser Jr. and feeds him a DoodleCake)

_Luigi kept on using his "Bribe the Brat with Goodies" Technique, and as you can see above, it worked well. Bowser Jr. would continue doing good deeds, and with each deed he bacame more popular. Soon he was helping Grannies, children, adults, the military, and even the princess herself. Bowser Jr. Helped rescue orphans, gave blood, fixed troubled marriages, ended wars, and took Full House off of television for good. All with Luigi's help, guidance, and DoodleCakes._

Peach: Today I award Bowser Jr. with the key to the kingdom, and the purple mushroom, the highest honors that any living being can receive, for finally killing off the plague that wouldn't die; Full House reruns. Let's hear a speech from this charming young lad.

Audience: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

Bowser Jr: My fellow Mushroomians, this is a proud day for me, for now I can look back on all of the good that I have done. All of the lives I've touched, and the incredible people that I have come to know and love have made it all worth while... (opens his mouth)

Luigi: (Drops a DoodleCake in it)

Bowser Jr: I am ecstatic to not only receive the purple Mushroom, but the key to the kingdom as well. These are the symbols of my hardwork, along with the beauty I have added to this wonderful land of ours... (opens mouth)

Luigi: (Plops another one in)

Bowser Jr: As I look back on the deeds that I have done, I have no regrets, and wouldn't change a moment of it. But most of all, I want all of you to know that... (Opens mouth)

Luigi: (Searches Pockets) ...Sorry, I'm fresh out.

Bowser Jr: (Takes a moment to comprehend this)...You guys suck sewage water, and I eat wimps like you for breakfast! (Breaks the key in half and eats the purple mushroom)BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Lights a fuse that blows up half of Peach's castle)

Audience: _Shrieks_

Bowser Jr: Now bow before me, Bowser Jr. Lord of all-

Large chunk of Peach's castle: (Falls on Bowser Jr, who goes limp after flailing his arms and legs for a few seconds)

Luigi: That can't be good.

Gateskeeper's Voice: OOOoooh, You're in trouble now!

Luigi: (Gets forcibly sucked into a vortex and appears in the Bob Saget Room)

Bob Saget: You're just in time Luigi. I just finished my speech on the cons of using bribery to get a child to behave (Unrolls a peice of paper that eventually covers all of the floor) Now, first off, Doodle Cakes are an ineffecient source of Vitamin B, which is important if you want to live really, really old. Funny story about Vitamin B-

Luigi: (Bob Saget continue to ramble on the in the back ground) (Slapping himself) Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake Up! WAKE UP!! For the mother of pearl,WAKE UP!

**Anyone notice a certain cameo in there? I thought AllHailMario should get one since**

**a) He was the first ever to give me a reveiw**

**b) He writes some pretty funny fanfiction!**

**Seriously, go check it out. If you like this, then I'm more than sure you'll like his fanfics too. You can find his work by going to the reveiws section and clicking on his name. Why not leave a reveiw** **while your at it, you know, since you're already there?**


	7. Fool's Clovers

**Wow, this series is really picking up steam. I'm almost getting a hundred hits a day now! We still have a few chapters left over from last year though, so let's get those up first.**

**Luigi is single again (not surprising after what happened last chapter), and wouldn't you know it, he managed to score another date. It looks like his luck is turning up already. But just to make sure, Luigi is taking precaution against his bad luck. No points for guessing wether it works or not.**

* * *

Luigi: (Wakes up) _Sniff_ Ahhhh... Today, is the first day, of the rest of my life! And what a beautiful life it will be (walks over to the calendar) because today is July 17th. Wait, that isn't right. It should say, "Luigi's date with Pauline". And nothing bad will happen today because I have a lucky rabbit's foot, Underwear completely sown out of 4 leaf clovers, all traces of bad luck are nowhere to be found in the kingdom, and there is no trace of Bob Saget on the channel guide. This is going to be a perfect day! (Walks into the kitchen) AAAAAAHHH!! What are you doing in my house?

Parakarry: (Sitting at the table with milk and cookies) The wife's bugging me again. So Mario's letting crash here until she settles down.

Luigi: What were you two fighting about?

Parakarry: Wether or not it's possible to cure a person who is deathly afraid of psychological aid.

Luigi: Well, at least nothing bad's going to happen to me.

Parakarry: How come?

Luigi: (Hillbilly accent) 'Cuz I's gots this here lucky rabbit's foot.

Parakarry: It sure wasn't lucky for the rabbit.

Luigi: (Looks at the foot) ...That's true. (tosses it in the garbage) Well at least there isn't anything unlucky in the town...you did take care of it like I asked you too, right?

Parakarry: Yep, I picked up every unlucky thing while I made my rounds, and stashed it all in a secret location.

Luigi: Where?

Parakarry: Your basement.

Luigi: ...At least I have this protective sheild of 4 leaf clover to protect me. (pulls down his pants to show Paratroopa)

Parakarry: (inspecting the underwear) Those aren't 4 leaf clovers.

Luigi: Mailman-say-wha?

Parakarry: They're Fool's Clovers, you can tell by the 3 swoops on the end of the leaf instead of 2.

Luigi: So I don't have a protective sheild of good luck?

Parakarry: Worse. Within 48 hours of contact with the skin the plant will cause unbearable itchiness and pussy boils to any part of bare skin that it touched.

Luigi: You're totally making that up!

Parakarry: No I'm not. I've seen it happen before. It won't go away for 3 weeks at least.

Luigi: Is there a cure?

Parakarry: If you can find a fuzzy, and your willing to let it bite you wherever the infection is, yeah.

Luigi: (Looks down) ...ow

Parakarry: Oh yeah. My friend Kooper tried it once after reading it on a website, and the fuzzy's poison and the Fool's Clover's poison started a poison on poison war.

Luigi: And they wiped each other out?

Parakarry: Not before Kooper passed out from the pain.

Luigi: ...I have a date tonight!

Parakarry: Then you better come up with a good excuse for scratching your butt with oven mitts on and howling in pain throughout it.

Luigi: Why would I have oven mitts on?

Parakarry: Kooper scratched the itch with his bare hands, so it was then passed on to his hands, and then he rubbed his eyes, picked his nose, and ate finger food. He went blind for a week, couldn't breathe through his nose, and his tongue swelled up so big we couldn't understand him at first when he yelled for assistance.

Luigi: ...

_In the backyard_

Luigi: (poking through the bushes) here fuzzy, fuzzy, here boy.

Dexter: Watcha doin'?

Luigi: Trying to find a fuzzy.

Dexter: I have one.

Luigi: You do?

Dexter: Yeah! Trevor's bringing over his fuzzy today at lunch, we're going to make them fight each other!

_In Dexter's room._

Dexter: (Showing the caged fuzzy) This is Jerry.

Luigi: I thought the orange's name was Jerry.

Dexter: The original Jerry passed on. It all started with Mom's frenzied addiction to the new Auto-Juicer 3000 she bought from the shopping channel. Tim locked himself in the bathroom for a week strait, living off soap bars and toilet water when he found Jerry's nametag in his orange juice that fateful monday morning.

Luigi: Speaking of bathroom usage, can I use yours?

Dexter: Sure thing, but we use the buddy system when using the bathroom, in case we run out of TP.

Luigi: ...Could Jerry be my buddy?

Dexter: Sure thing (Takes Jerry out of the cage and tosses him to Luigi) But be careful, he bites.

Luigi: Thanks (Walks into the bathroom) ... (Horrific screams of pain emit from behind the bathroom door as the screen fades to black)

_In the future_

Luigi: (Fades in from black and wakes up) uhhhh, where am I?

Future Toad: Hello ancient being.

Luigi: ...Huh?

Future Toad: You are in the future that is yesterday's tomorrow.

Luigi: Toad, what are you- WHOOAAA

_As Luigi leaned forward he saw a utopia of glass and marble as flying cars and robotic helpers weaved in and out of the city. He realized he was in fact...in the _

Luigi: Future.

Toad: Actually you are in the present. We will never reach the future, as time will never cease.

Luigi: But you guys have time machines, so you can warp to the future. And you went back to get me, and brought me to be your new overlord.

Toad: No. It is impossible to control time as it does not exist, as the same with 3 dimensional space. There is no beginning nor end to anything as all happens within the same universe, but your primitive mind is not yet evolved enough to comprehend this reality, though not surprising seeing how you still only use 2 percent of your brain.

Luigi: ...I don't know what you said, but I think it means that you have no time machine.

Toad: Correct.

Luigi: Then how did I end up here?

Toad: From what our tests show, you passed into a coma-

Luigi: And this facility kept me in ideal condition until I came to.

Toad: Actually your medical didn't cover the necessities to keep you in proper condition.

Luigi: Then what'd they do with me?

Toad: We found you in a box underground.

Luigi: I died and they had a formal burial for me?

Toad: No, I think they just threw you in there after they found out about the medical. We also found this videotape in the box (plays the tape)

Dexter: (With Luigi slumped over his shoulder) What do you think we oughta do with him?

Dexter's Dad: Well if he isn't getting medical treatment then he must be dead.

Dexter: Should we have a funeral?

Dexter's Dad: Too expensive, let's just throw him in the box and bury him. (Tosses Luigi into the box) Get me a shovel.

Dexter: Isn't that illegal?

Dexter's Dad: Did I ask for a shovel or stupid questions? And you, stop taping the evidence right now Tim! (Takes the Camera) We have to make sure no one finds this! (Tosses the camera into the box)

Toad: (Stops the tape) We found some Fuzzy Poison in your brain, as well as some Fool's Clover's poison. The two actually fused together into a chemical that preserves your entire being from aging, like a double zipper bag keeps steak from getting freezer burn. We're studying the chemical's properties now. Which leads me to the good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

Luigi: Give me the good news first.

Toad: There's no Bob Saget in this century.

Luigi: Oh my gosh...this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me! What news could possibly get me down after hearing that?

Toad: You missed your date with Pauline, and women today aren't nearly as desperate as the women of your time.

Luigi: (Eye twiches) ...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

* * *

**That was a pretty short chapter. In all honesty, I didn't know where to go from there. I've tried to write about Luigi adjusting to his new enviroment, but it just dragged on and wasn't that good, so I cut it off at it's peak. Well, only two chapters are left. Time to start reveiwing people, there's not much time left to save the series!**


	8. Lemon Extracts

****

So how are my almost 100 daily fans doing today? Itching to write a reveiw? Maybe not? That's cool, take your time. After all, you do have only this and the next chapter to decide wether I continue the series or not. But that's what's fun about procrastination right? It's like a game of "chicken" for you!

**So onto the 2nd to last chapter of the series' trial period. Mario, the party machine that he is, inadvertently brings out an old rival, and it's time for Luigi to settle the score once and for all. Can he do it? I seriously doubt it.**

* * *

Luigi: (Picking through the carpet with gloves and tweezers) This final square foot...and I...will be (Plucks a peice of food from the carpet) Done!

_Shows the entire house sparkling clean with a proud Luigi standing in the living room complete with apron and gloves_

Luigi: (Breathes deeply through the nose) _Sigh_ This has to be the cleanest house in the kingdom! I can't wait to show Mario-

Mario: (Comes bursting through the front door with a BoomBox on his shoulder pumping music into the room and many of the Mushroom residents who also brought party items)

Toad: PAR-TAY!!

_As the guests swarmed the house, it almost became instantly messy with food, party decorations, and the lack of using the coasters that were available to the party goers. Luigi could only watch in dismay as the 15 hours he spent on the household vanished with the fresh scent of Lysol. And it was all one person's fault._

Luigi: MARIO!! I spent the entire day working my fingers to the bone, preparing a clean enviroment for you and what do you do? ...

Drunken Mario: (Struggles to even stand as Luigi is giving his lecture)

Luigi: ...and now you're drunk off of Chukola Cola Lemon twist! You know what lemon extracts do to you!

Parakarry: (Also Drunk) Whoa there Mario _Hiccup_ You're, you're way to drunk! _hiccup _Give me your keys right _hiccup_ now! (Immediately collapses to the floor)

Luigi: Okay, who's the designated driver?

_The next morning_

Tired Luigi: (Comes through the door) There you are (points to a passed out Mario) Do you want to know what I've been doing since 2 a.m.? Driving every one of your 200 guests home in my own car 'cause everbody thought they weren't the designated driver, and they all got too stuffed full of food and cola as they were dancing, and they couldn't even see straight. And now I have to spend another 20 hours cleaning this place, because you're too hungover from the 20 gallons of Chukola Lemon Twist you chugged last night! I do nothing but give and give to you, and all you- Hey! What are you doing?

Mario still on the ground: (Texting on his Blackberry)

Luigi: (Snatches the Blackberry from him and reads it)

Blackberry: Dude, sweet prty last nite! U gonna hav Anuthr?

Yea, same time next week

Nice, who should I bring?

Evry1!

K. I'll bring the Cola this time.

Luigi: Oh no you don't mister. You're not throwing another one of your parties again. That is the bottom line!

_One week later_

Luigi: (Yelling at a passed out Mario) I cannot beleive you!

Mario: (winces and starts rubbing ears)

Luigi: Oh, I'm sorry! AM I TALKING TO LOUD?? You deserve this and you know it! I, mean, who orders enough pizza to fill a closet?? (Opens closet to let a flood of empty cardboard boxes spread through the living room) What the? (looking at the box)

_The box featured the face of a long time rival to Luigi. Waluigi. Luigi was already having flashbacks of the encouter that ingnited their life long fued_

Baby Luigi: (Reading a children's book)

Baby Waluigi: (Walking by) They lived happily ever after.

Baby Luigi: (Angrily puts the book down and stares menacingly at Baby Waluigi)

Luigi: He ruined the ending for me! And so, I took all of his flat lego peices, put them together in a giant stack, and then squished them really hard together so they got stuck that way forever!

Mario: _Gasp_

Luigi: And grade school was an all out war between us since then. I thought I would never see his ugly face again after I won him out in the university wide spelling-bee, but to think that after all these years he's come back to taunt me and my italian heritage. We'll see about that. WE'LL SEE!!

Mario: (Puts Alkaseltzier in his water and drinks it while giving Luigi a dirty look)

Luigi: Oops, sorry.

_And so Luigi set off to create a better pizza place than Waluigi's Pizza Palace. But first he had have a location for his resturaunt._

Luigi: I can't beleive I found an old house in the middle of one of the busiest places in the Mushroom Kingdom. Alrighty fellas, tear her down!

Mario in a wreckingball: (Sends the ball and chain through the second story window, tearing a full half off the building)

Toadette: (In the other 2nd story window) What are you doing to my house?

Luigi: (Using a Megaphone) We are clearing the area in order to build a generic Pizza place. Now if you could please leave the deconstruction zone.

Toadette: (holding a deed) I own this house.

Luigi: (In a mocking voice) Well I called Dibs on it. Dibs!

Toadette: I'm not leaving this house!

Luigi: Have it your way.

Wrecking Ball: (Goes crashing throught the second half of the house directly where Toadette was standing)

Luigi: Awesome! Now that the ugly house is out of the way, we can start construction...actually I'm too lazy to do construction work. How about I just buy the old pizza place across the street that's for sale?

Mario: (Nods his head)

Luigi: Great, now let's leave before the cops come.

Mario and Luigi: (run away)

Toad: (Walks onscreen carrying Groceries) ...(stares at his demolished home and the abandoned wrecking ball in the neigbor's yard) I knew the neighbors were only acting like they liked us, but do they really hate me this much?

Luigi: (In the resturaunt) Okay, we have the deed, the supplies, and the crew, now we need a name.

Toad: How about "Pizza Piggy"

Luigi: I don't think that goes with Peach's new "Get healthy or get dead" Law.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Luigi: Hey, if anything the resturaunt's going to be named after me! That's it! Luigi's Pizza!

Parakarry: I don't think that's what Yoshi meant.

Luigi: Well "Yoshi's Pizza" just sucks.

Yoshi: (Angrily throws his chef's hat on the ground and storms out of the resturaunt)

Parakarry: Wait Yoshi! He was talking about the name, not your cooking!

Luigi: Bah! Who needs him? More money for the rest of us.

Toad: You need him. He's the only one who makes good Pizza around here.

Luigi: Parakarry, you're our new chef!

Toad: Then who's going to deliver the pizzas?

Luigi: Thank you for volunteering Toad. And Mario, you'll man the drive-thru window.

Toad: Pizza Places don't have drive thru windows.

Luigi: Well now we're the first fast-food pizza place in the world.

Toad: You're insane!

Luigi: Like a Fox! The grand opening's tomorrow guys, so get some shut-eye.

_The next day at the doors of "Luigi's Pizza"_

Luigi: (Screaming at the sky) This is a total disaster! Nobody has come yet!

Toad: That's because we don't open until 10:00 pm

Luigi: ...That's stupid, who came up with that?

Parakarry: You did, you thought it would be a good way to let people know we stay open late.

Luigi: How late?

Paratroopa: Our schedule says we close at 10:05 PM

Toad: Then what am I doing here?

Luigi: Look guys, I'm not pointing fingers-Toad-but I think we all agree-Toad-that there is obviously one person to blame around here, isn't that right Toad?

Toad: I think we should open now, so it's physically possible for us to get some customers. (Flips the sign to open)

Daisy: (Walks in) Hey guys.

Parakarry: Oooooooo, you're girlfriend's here!

Luigi: She's not my girlfriend anymore.

Parakarry: Why not?

Luigi: It's pretty much over when your girlfriend kills you.

Parakarry: Yeah...

Daisy: Hey Luigi, get me an Pepperoni Deep Dish Single with extra cheese.

Luigi: Parakarry! Gimme a Double Flamingo Tap-dance with jalepeno ketchup in the kiddie pool!

Parakarry: ...I thought we served pizza here.

Luigi: We DO! I was just using some diner lingo (turns to Daisy) You can't get good help these days.

TV on the counter: Whoever says "You can't get good help these days" obviously hasn't hired Yoshi as their chef, like Waluigi.

Luigi: WHAT??

TV: Not only is the pizza top notch, but it is prepared right before you (Shows Yoshi adding ingredients to the pizza like a japanese cook). If you thought Waluigi's Pizza was good, just wait until you've had the Yoshi version. Order now at 1-800-Luigi's-Pizza-is-the-worst-pizza-place-ever.

Luigi: I'm so mad right now, it feels like I'm on fire! (looks down) I am on fire!!

_Not only was Luigi on fire, but the entire place was. By the time Firefighters arrived the place was burned to a char, just like Luigi's dreams. _

Luigi: I can't beleive you set fire to the entire place by trying to use the microwave.

Parakarry: I can't cook!

Luigi: You might have mentioned that earlier

Parakarry: I did.

Luigi: Well, at least we're all safe (looks around) where's Toad!?

Parakarry: He went to deliver an order about an hour ago.

Luigi: (looks down the street to see Toad pushing a large tower of Pizza boxes) I thought you burned down the place on your first try.

Parakarry: I did, he just took some empty boxes and hoped they wouldn't look inside

Luigi: Man! You can't cook, Toad's totally weak, and Mario held up the drive-thru because he couldn't repeat a customer's order. At a time like this, there's only one thing to do-

Parakarry: Realize that friendship is more important than a stupid rivalry?

Luigi: Nope. It's time to destroy the enemy from the inside out!

_Shows Waluigi in his resturaunt_

Waluigi: Thanks for choosing Waluigi's Pizza Palace, now leave so I can close up.

Mario: (Runs out of the store)

Waluigi: Hey! You didn't pay for that! I'm calling the cops _Stomach Grumbling_ Ooh, but not before I hit the can (Walks into the restroom with "Fungi Cap" Magazine)

...Hmmmm, You know, I've always thought my perfect sock was argyle instead of tube. Man, how did people make the right decision before Magazine Personality Quizzes? ...Yoshi! Bring me some TP!!...I'm waiting Yoshi!! ...Are you there Yoshi?...Ugh...(Comes out with the cover of the magazine torn off) where is he?

Yoshi: (Playing air guitar to his MP3 Player)

Waluigi: (Staring off into space) Yoshi? What happened to the window?

_Yoshi took the headphones off to answer Waluigi, but was too dumbfounded when he noticed that the doors and windows we're boarded up with wood and brick_

Luigi: (From behind the bricks) We've trapped you inside your own resturaunt Waluigi, and now we're going to take back Yoshi! And there's nothing you can do to stop us!

Waluigi: How can you get him if he's trapped in here too?

Luigi: ...I hate you!

Waluigi: Can you let me out Luigi? I just want to talk about with you about some teamwork.

Luigi: (Cuts out a hole in the bricks) What kind of teamwork?

Waluigi: (Punches Luigi through the hole) I punch you and you pass out! Good teamwork, Jerk! Come on Yoshi (Climbs through the hole)

Yoshi: (After getting out, looks at an unconscious Luigi) ...Yoshi!

Waluigi: Huh?? What do you mean "you quit" (Gets hit in the face with his own uniform)

Yoshi: (Carries Luigi home)

Waluigi: (Shouting at him) You're going to be sorry Yoshi! Ya hear me? Nobody quits me, NOBODY!!

Yoshi: (Walking into the distance) ...

_In the Living room_

Yoshi: (Puts Luigi on the couch)

Luigi: (Coming to) uh...wha? Yoshi?

Yoshi: (Holds his fist out for the knuckle touch)

Luigi: (After a moment, hits his fist against his)

Yoshi: (hopping onto the couch) Yoshi?

Luigi: I dunno what's on TV right now. (Turns the TV on)

News reporter: Well it seems that everyone's favorite pizza place is out of business, evidently because the place is boarded up.

Waluigi in the background: What?? Nobody called and said this place had to be demolished!

Construction Worker: Well the call came from the premises, but if you have the deed, then we won't demolish it.

Waluigi: Right, the deed. Where'd I put that thing (Checking his pockets) ...heh heh.

Construction Worker: No deed? 'K then. TEAR IT DOWN GUYS

Wrecking ball: (Takes a chunk out of the resturaunt as Waluigi screams)

News Reporter: Well there you have it. Back to you Tod.

Luigi: (Looks at Yoshi who is holding the deed with a coy smile on his face) ...You are awesome Yoshi! (Gives each other a high five)

**Wait a minute! Did Luigi just come out of a chapter the winner for once?? I need to go lie down for a while, my head's starting to spin...**


	9. Chisel, Scapel, and Honey

****

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I was going to a few days ago, but when I went to update the story with the final chapter, something caught me off gaurd. Someone had favorited this story! One spit take later, I watched as the Cherry Cola that was previously in my mouth seep through the keyboard and destroy my computer from the inside out. Luckily I have this chapter, and all other chapters on a flash drive. So live from my friend's computer, the "final" (don't freak, I'm making more) chapter of "The L Stands for Loser".

So what's the one, most horrible thing that could ever happen to Luigi? Well, it's gonna happen in this chapter.

* * *

The day started out for Luigi as it always had, which he knew meant something very bad going to happen to him that day, via Parakarry and his mail of doom.

Luigi: Maybe I just won't get the mail today. I'll just lay here in my warm bed, away from the troubles of the world. And if he hadn't set off to save the princess, Mario would come in with another blanket and cookies, and as I enjoyed those cookies with the kingdom's finest milk, Mario would say-

Parakarry: MAIL CALL!!

Luigi: AAAAAAAA!! How'd you get in my house??

Parakarry: Privileged information. Here's your 'Mustache of the month' newsletter.

Luigi: Oh boy! Let's see, this month's featured mustache is the classy handle bar; "3 easy steps to a thicker 'stache". I could use this article. Mario's been trying to… could you not read over my shoulder please?

Parakarry: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just interested in this 'Mustache Massacre' article.

Luigi: 'Mustache Massacre'??

Parakarry: Yeah. Apparently there's this guy running around breaking into people's homes and shaving off people's mustaches while they sleep. They're blaming the lack of mustaches in Toad Town on this guy. Are you afraid about your precious Bob getting hacked off your face Luigi? He's a fine piece of work.

Luigi: Well, the shavings only happened in toad town, so me and Mario are safe out here in the woods.

TV: Breaking News! The 'Mustache Menace' has been reported to have attacked the residents of Bowser's Badlands. We take you there live for the full story.

Goomba on TV: I thought I was safe over here in the Badlands, since the attacks happened only in toad town. I used to not give a second thought about it, but now that it's happened here, no one feels safe.

Koopa on TV: The thought our son never being able to have his own mustache because of this guy just breaks this old koopa's heart.

News reporter: I thought Koopas didn't grow mustache's anyways.

Koopa: … Oh yeah.

TV: We'll bring you more coverage as the story folds out.

Parakarry: Well I better go.

Luigi: Why? This is the last house you deliver to. Why not stay for cookies?

Parakarry: Normally I would, but I have to deliver Bowser his letters.

Luigi: What??

Parakarry: Yeah, since so many mail carriers got laid off the rest of us have to take on larger routes, which in turn caused mail carriers to quit, making the routes even larger for the remaining ones, who then quit as well. At this rate I going to deliver mail to Yoshi's island by the end of the week!

Luigi: Wow. Well, off you go, I have very important things to do. (Opens his newsletter) "Step 1: Coat your mustache in honey and let dry, repeat until mustache is a golden brown."

Later at the store

Luigi: (Slams a gallon of honey on the counter) Hey steve.

Steve: Hey Luigi. Whoa! You still have your mustache!? That's amazing! How do you avoid Mario when he's in your own house?

Luigi: …Excuse me?

Steve: Don't act dumb. Everyone knows it's Mario behind all of these mustache attacks. Word's going around that the threat of there possibly being a better 'stache than his made him go insane, and now he's making sure no one can grow a better mustache.

Luigi: That can't be true. Mario's a good guy, how could you think it was him?

Steve: Let's look at the facts; the attacks are not only in Mario's hometown, but also Bowser's badlands, an area Mario is always in. He hasn't been seen for days and disappeared right when this started. And a shaver isn't exactly hard to come by. Mario has the means and the motive to be behind of this. If they could find the bugger they'd convict him right where he stood. That'll be 7 coins for the honey.

As Luigi left the store he had mixed feelings of what Steve just told him. While it was inconceivable that Mario could be blamed for this horrible crime, Steve's theory did add up to Mario being the culprit. Luigi noticed that Mario had been missing for a few days, but he had assumed the princess had been captured. Could it be true that Mario is the Mustache Menace?

Luigi: (walking through the front door) Great, now won't even be able to sleep tonight with the thought of Mario sneaking in a shaving Bob clean off my beautiful face. Well if I can get this baby thick enough maybe I'll thwart my shave happy brother. (open his magazine)" A scalpel and chisel are recommended for this first step". I think Mario keeps those in the closet. (Opens the closet door)

Mario: (with a scalpel and chisel in his hands and honey smeared across his upper lip) _Girl Scream_

Luigi: (Screams)

Mario was also trying to thicken his mustache, but for good reason. There was nothing but peach fuzz on his upper lip, because a few days earlier he had been the victim of the Mustache Maniac.

Luigi: So you were in hiding until your mustache grew back?

Mario: (Nods head)

Luigi: Well everyone thinks that you're the Mustache Maniac. Come on, let's go show everyone that you're clean. (Runs out the door) ……Are you coming?

Mario: (Shakes his head no)

Luigi: You are so vain! What, just because you don't have a mustache you can't be seen in public?...

Luigi went on his rant of ethics and materialism for a good 3 hours, which only ended because he ran into the TV at full speed while demonstrating the importance of self-consciousness and got knocked out. He finally got up the following day to find himself being used as Mario's personal breakfast table. As he angrily walked to the bathroom to clean the spilled fruit loops off his shirt. As he looked in the bathroom mirror he made a startling discovery.

Luigi: Bob's been shaved off! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

And for a good 3 minutes Luigi screamed, only stopping because he forgot to breathe and passed out yet again. Luigi woke up on the bathroom floor to find himself being used as Mario's personal magazine rack. Dazed and confused Luigi got to his feet, sending all of the newsletters and magazines wedged between his arms and legs falling to the floor. One particular heading caught Luigi's eye.

Mustache of the month newsletter: "Mustache Maniac attacks Yoshi's Island; Residents of the southern Yoshi Island fall under the attack of the infamous Mustache Maniac. The town's only mustache, belonging to the Chief Yoshi, was stolen in the night. The eccentric Yoshi, having every guard on the island around his house at the time to protect his mustache, believes that the only way past his security would have been by air. ''Either a flying menace is at work, or the guy has some seriously mad hops'' states on the guards. Experts are still baffled how one person could know not only the whereabouts of each new mustache, but how the attacker knows how to get to each hit spot so quickly. Mario has been speculated to be the mustache maniac, although no hard evidence has been provided."

Luigi: Now he's getting to Yoshi's Island?? How does that guy do it?

Mario: (walks in, picks up the newsletter, and shoves Luigi out the door so he can 'do his business')

Luigi: Well, somebody's pushy today. _Sigh_ With bob gone, there's only one thing left to do. (Picks up a scalpel, a chisel, and one gallon of honey) time to work on Bob Jr.

Dexter: Hey Luigi

Luigi: YAAAAAAAAAAAAA! How does everybody keep getting in my house!?

Dexter: Parakarry taught me how.

Luigi: But-

Dexter: Sorry, privileged information. So what are you doing with that honey?

Luigi: I'm trying to make a Bob Jr. in the absence of Bob Senior.

Dexter: I thought you already had a Bob Jr. since your first one ran away. Wouldn't this one be Bob Jr. Jr.?

Luigi: Oh yeah. I even got a tracking device in Bob Jr. in case _he_ ran away- (pauses mid-sentence) …… I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!

Dexter: Glad you've finally see the light. But why do you realize this now?

Luigi: Because I can use my tracker to find this guy and put end to his evil reign! I'll be a hero just like Mario! I'll be revered as "Savior of the 'Stache" and start my own line of play sets and toys so that every child in the Mushroom Kingdom can pretend that I actually care about them. Then a few scandals and unsavory acts of insanity, I'll get through rehab, lose the 50 pounds I gained, thank a weight loss pill for my success, then slowly slip out of the limelight and into retirement only to be brought back on "Toad talk" several generations later and discuss the high and lows of my life so that I can then endorse my new product, "Fruit Flava'd Dentures" which once again I shall reap rewards to- _SMACK_

Dexter: Get a hold of yourself Man!

Luigi: Sorry. Now come one, it's time to Save this stache!

Dexter: ………………………

Luigi: It's my new catch phrase!

Dexter: ……………………………………………………………………

Luigi: It'll catch on! Now, to the stache-a-mobile!

Dexter: ……………………………………………………………………………………………

Luigi: Fine! I don't have a stache-a-mobile yet! But it's coming along...

Meanwhile

Mario: (Stands next a cardboard box with tires drawn on it with magic marker and a sticky note on the side reading 1/50th coolness scale)

Later in Toad Town

Luigi: Okay, according to the handheld bobradulatorlocatorrator, he's right inside the……Post Office??

Dexter: Whoa, nobody would ever consider 'staching stuff in here! … Get it? Stashing, "Staching"?

Luigi: …………

Dexter: the sidekick is allowed to say cheesy jokes. In fact, it's mandatory.

Parakarry: (Walks out of the post office) 'Sup guys.

Bobradulatorlocatorrator: Beep…Beep…Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep BeepBeepBeepBeep

Parakarry: (Turns around and walks back into the post office)

Luigi: Hey! (Runs in the post office) Para … karry……

Luigi stopped cold in his tracks, because not a few feet in front of him there laid a mountain of hair, and one recognizable wad of follicles was more than overjoyed to see Luigi, and vice versa.

Luigi: Bob Jr.!

Bob Jr.: Luigi Jr.!

Luigi: What?? … Oh well, (Extends upper lip) Welcome home little buddy!

Bob Jr.: (In a slow motion action sequence, jumps from the top of the pile and floats to Luigi's upper lip, but just as he was about to affix himself to Luigi's only appealing body part-)

Parakarry: (snatches Bob Jr. out of the air) Oh no you don't! I've worked too hard for you!

Luigi: Wait, are you behind all this?? Are you, the Mustache Maniac!?

Parakarry: Indeed. You see Luigi, working as the mail man I am forced to be greeted by mustachioed citizens every day. Those fortunate enough and arrogant enough to display to the world their magnificent whiskers. It drove me insane, even Goombas can grow mustaches, boos even! But Koopas are incapable of having these wonderful things. How I loathed those mustaches, and soon I came to the simple conclusion that if I couldn't have a mustache, no one could.

Luigi: You sick monster! Looks like I'm going to have to take you down! With nothing but my two friends lefty (lifts his left fist) and (lifts his right fist) uh… actually I can't think of a name for this one.

Dexter: Wait a minute, I'm confused. Doesn't Kolorado the Koopa have a mustache? (Bonus points if you know who that is!)

Parakarry: I'm sure it's a clip on 'stache. Besides, why couldn't I grow a mustache even with the help of the newsletter's 3 step guide to a magnificent mustache?

Dexter: Because you're a koopa.

Parakarry: ……so?

Luigi: He's got a point.

Dexter: He has no point!

Luigi: So?

Parakarry: Ooh, good point Luigi.

Dexter: Aagh! That's it! I'm outta here! You guys can figure this out on your own!

Luigi: Oh yeah, I can definitely figure this out on my own, with my friends lefty and… dang! I still don't have a name for you.

Parakarry: What do you think he meant by 'figure it out on your own'?

Luigi: I don't know. Is there a problem to solve?

Parakarry: Well I'm trying to grow a mustache by stealing everyone else's

Luigi: And how's that working out for you?

Parakarry: Not as well as I'd hope really. And what about you, huh?

Luigi: I'm trying to return the mustaches to all of the residents of the mushroom kingdom.

Parakarry: How about a compromise then?

Luigi: Okay, if you give the mustaches back, then I'll find something for your mustache situation.

Parakarry: Deal.

And so, through the power of domestic conflict resolution, Luigi set off to give the kingdom back its mustache, and in return Parakarry enjoyed his new clip on mustache. With the help of his reunited mustache to identify each owner Luigi set off on his quest to find each mustache's home. There was only one snag in the plan-

Luigi: You guys don't want your mustaches back??

Toad: No way man! Life without a mustache is great! It's one less thing to spend my time on grooming, I can eat soup without most it sticking to my lip, and the hairs don't get in my eyes.

Steve: Yeah, and without the 'stache prickling the ladies, the girls are now willing to kiss me again.

Chief Yoshi: Besides, the new fall fashion the classic-

All: Beard! (Holds up several magazine depicting such beard trends as, "the short cut", "father time", and the daring, "Ponytail".

Luigi: But you'll have all the same problems with a beard as you did with a mustache!

Steve: Hey, it's not a perfect world.

Chief Yoshi: Hey, let's go try out the simple 2 step plan to a thicker beard!

Toad: It says we'll need a pint of caramel, a buffer, and a stone cutter.

Luigi: But, but what about me being the Stache savior, reaping millions, the Fruit Flava'd dentures??

Bob jr.: Hey, at least you still have me!

Luigi: I suppose you're right. Well, we better get Mario's mustache back to him.

Bob Jr.: Can we stop for soup on the way?

Luigi: (Walking into the distance) Sure, I but you better not hog it this time!

**Alright! So that was the final one from last year. Now let's start cranking out "Season**** 2"! I'll sign off Season 1 with a cautionary limerick about the consequences of not leaving a reveiw for "The L Stands for Loser"**

**There once was a man from Peru,**

**Who read a story, but did not reveiw,**

**the writer came over,**

**and ripped off his shoulder,**

**and someday it could happen to you**


	10. Freshly watered

**Season 2 is now underway! And we kick things off with a reveiwer request!**

**"Great story! I have an idea for a chapter. Mario goes on another adventure and Luigi tries to tag along to increse his reputation, only to make his reputation worse." -HyperInuyasha**

**You got it! Also, this chapter is 3 times longer than any chapter in season 1! I did not intend this, so I doubt they'll be as lengthy from now on. Also, I'll try to get a new chapter up every monday. I have many ideas for season 2, but if you think you have a good idea for a story, include it in a reveiw and I just might do it. **

**Before we start, I would also like to thank all the reveiwers of season 1 for their kind words. I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for you guys! But enough chit-chat, it's time to get this party started!**

* * *

Mario was coming home. After making his way through 8 worlds, defeating an endless sea of brutes and monsters, and finally returning the princess to her rightful throne, Mario came to his safe haven to do what he did best.

Mario: (Walks through the front door)

Luigi: (On the couch and in mid-Doodlecake) Hey Mario! How was your adven-

Mario: (Takes Luigi's doodlecake, shoves him off the couch, and passes out on the furniture, leaving no room for Luigi to watch the rest of his show)

Luigi: HEY!!

Mario: ...(Snores loudly)

Luigi: (Gives him a dirty death glare) Well then!

Parakarry: MAIL CALL!!

Luigi: (Running out of the front door) 'Sup home dog? You bling-blingin' that ice-chilly krunk? (Strikes a gangsta pose)

Parakarry: ...If you ever try to be street again, I'll have to call in some "favours", if you catch my drift.

Luigi: Sorry. So what news do you have for me today?

Parakary: What else? Fan mail, bills, junk mail, and... a party invitation? (looks at the envelope quizically) for YOU??

Luigi: No way! (Snatches the envolope so fast it gives parakarry rope burn)

Parakarry: (Clutches his hand in pain as he stops, drops, and rolls all over Luigi's freshly watered lawn)

Luigi: (Walks back into the house trying to be street again) Later home-boy, fo' rizzle my skizzle bisquit!

Parakarry: (Tries desperately to call in some "favours", but is prevented by the pain of holding a cell phone, or anything else, in his hand)

Luigi: (walking through the front door) Hey Mario, we got a party invite! There's a celebration in your honor for rescuing the princess.

Mario: (Snores loudly in response)

Luigi: At Peach's castle!

Mario: (Flips over and continues sleeping)

Luigi: There'll be dancing, games, and girls there!

Mario: (Scratches his ear whilst slumbering)

Luigi: ... I bet there's gonna be cake!

Mario: (leaps out of bed to put on his best tux)

_And so, the mario bros. got ready for a wild night of partying. Mario dug out his old good tux, Luigi was practicing his jokes in case he had to break the ice, and Parakarry remained sprawled on the front lawn, unwilling to move until Luigi got a nice big chunk of his mind. The mario bros. snuck out the back at 8:00 pm._

_At 8:15 they arrived at the gates of the castle, ready to party until they were purple._

Peach: (greeting the guests) (Toad walks by) Glad you could make it... (Toadette walks by) Glad you could make it... (Birdo walks by) Glad you could make it... (Mario walk by) Gald you could make it... (Luigi walks by) ...

Luigi: (Walks backwards until he is in front of peach again, then passes her again)

Peach: ...

Luigi: Peach!?

Peach: Yes?

Luigi: Aren't you glad I could make it?

Peach: Not really. My mom said if I invited mario I had to invite to invite you too.

Luigi: (walks into the party room pouting)

_For a while everyone just milled around, looking at the paintings, waiting for the guests to arrive. This was not what Luigi came for. Luigi came for wild partying, and he would get it one way or another_

Luigi: Looks like it's time to start breaking the ice. (Cooly leans next to a toad standing by him). Hey Toad, what does a lakitu's cloud like to wear on a rainy day?

Toad: What?

Luigi: (Fighting back the giggles) ...Thunderwear!

Toad: ...(slowly inching away from a snickering luigi)...Heh, yeah, good one Luigi. Uh, I'm gonna make sure that kid doesn't fall into the painting over there. Way over there. Very far away... (runs away)

Luigi: Wait! Don't you want to hear the about the yoshi, the shyguy, and the POW block? It's a real knee-slapper! ...huh. Looks like it's time to skip to ice-breaking plan #2. (walks over to the DJ playing music, and whispers is song request to him)

DJ: (Looks at him as if he had lost his mind, until Luigi passes him 20)

_Meanwhile, Mario was in the next room discussing the exploits of his latest expedition to some of his fans. Suddenly a needle scratch was heard, as the DJ put on Luigi's requested song. "Oh my god..." Mario thought as the track started playing, "He wouldn't!"._

_He would._

Luigi: (Moonwalks onto the dance floor as Justin Timberlake's "Sexy back" plays from the speakers) (Singing) I'm bringin' sexy back! ...yeah! ...

_Try to picture the scene if you can. Luigi trying to be cool and suave while pulling off such dance moves as, the funky chicken, the cabbage patch, and the shameful and frowned upon "churning the butter". And while he is doing this, everyone in the room is just staring at the horrible demonstration one could hardly ever call dancing. Soon a riot exploded from the room, people claiming to have gone blind, pleas for the DJ to end the song, fruit punch and finger sandwiches flying from the snack tables as mobs attempted to flee through the congested doorways. Luigi took this excitement as encouragment to keep going, and as he took his 3rd attempt to try and spin on his head break-dance style, Mario just stood in total awe. This could've gone on much longer if not for what happened next._

Luigi: (while doing "the worm") (still singing) I'm bringin' sexy ba- (fruit punch flies onto his "dance performance") MY EYES!! They're BURNING!!

_As the purple liquid splattered over his good tuxedo and burned his eyes, the actual cause for concern happened_

Bowser: (comes crashing through the wall) MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! (snatches Peach) Looks like you lose again plumber! And this time, you'll never find me or the princess! (Flies out of the castle, gloating about his plan)

Luigi: Was that bowser?? I couldn't tell! Someone please help me get the natural flavorings out my eyes!!

Toadsworth: How did bowser know to come now while we were partying and vulnerable?

Toad gaurd: (Eyes dart left and right as he sweats profusely, having a flashback about that morning)

Flashback: (Bowser opening a letter in the mail) A message for me?

Message for Bowser: "Dear Bowser, look who kicked your sorry butt again! MARIO! And now we're having a party for him to make fun of you at 8pm tonight! There'll cake, dancing, and fun had by all, EXCEPT YOU! 'Cause your not invited. NEENER, NEENER! Not your pals, The Toad Gaurds"

Bowser: ...Prepare the fleets! We leave for the mushroom kingdom in one hour! (end flashback)

Toadsworth: (talking to the toad gaurds) You guys are completely worthless. Like, l mean it literally when I say, completely worthless!

Toad Gaurd: But we're still getting paid right?

Toadsworth: ...Mario, do you feel up for another adventure?

Mario: (Shakes his head "No")

Toadsworth: Too bad, you leave in the morning. Now go get some shut eye!

Mario: (Grumpily walks home with a purple Luigi in tow)

_Mario was really starting to doubt the mushroom kingdom's line of defense. As he thought it over it just seemed more and more like an invitation for Bowser to steal the princess again and again! Gaurds inside the castle at all time, the castle placed in a vulnerable position, and the last line of defense being a fat plumber with some "decent hops". Seriously, give him a car or something, 'cause going thousands of miles on foot is not mario's idea of a fun expidition. But Mario's train of thought was abruptly brought to a halt when he heard-_

Parakarry: (on the ground still) THERE YOU ARE!

Luigi: Uh oh...

Parakrry: I see you successfully partied yourself too a decent shade of purple.

Luigi: (squinting his eyes intensely) What do you want?

Parakarry: Revenge... (snaps with his good hand)

_With that snap came koopas flying in from all directions. From the sky, behind the bushes, climbing down trees. One even squeezed himself into the Mario Bros.' garden hose. Koopas from all directions swarmed the yard. And they all had one thing on their mind._

Buff koopa: Is this the guy trying to be cool without enough street cred?

Parakarry: Yes!

Buff koopa: Alright guys, beat up that plumber!

Luigi: Ahh! (Cowering behind Mario) Wh- why would you guys beat me and Mario up?

koopa stuck in the garden hose: We wouldn't beat up mario, he's got enough street cred (motions towards the laptop, displaying the street credit report website)

street credit report website: (shows mario's profile, with a street cred of 753. Alongside it was Luigi's profile, with a street cred of 12)

Mario: (thumps his chest twice, then gives a sideways peace sign) (walks into the house, leaving Luigi to his doom)

koopas: (returns the motion to mario as he goes to bed)

Buff koopa: Looks like we're gonna have to teach you a little lesson about trying to be cool without enough street cred.

koopas: (crowd around a cowering Luigi)

_The next morning_

Dexter: (walks into the Mario's yard) Hey Luigi, what was with all that squealing last night? (Turns to see Luigi tied to a tree, with his face literally beaten in so only his bulbous nose is seen) woah!

Luigi: (muffled yelping)

Dexter: What?

Luigi (louder, but still muffled yelling)

Dexter: Come again?

Luigi (Muffled, but frustrated screaming)

Dexter: (Pulls on Luigi's nose, bringing his face back out) Now what were you saying?

Luigi: "Pull on my nose"... What are you doing here dexter?

Dexter: I couldn't sleep last night with all of your screaming about "It was just a mistake" and "Someone please help me". So I took my chemistry kit down to the castle, to do some forensic work. And looky what had bowser's hand prints all over it! (holds up a peice of paper)

Peice of Paper: **"To-do list"**

1. Crash through the walls of the castle randomly looking for the princess

2. Snatch the princess

3. Escape to yoshi Island

4. Lots of friends!

5. Gloat

Luigi: That must be bowser's to-do list. We better tell mario.

Mario: (as if on cue, comes out of the house with a travel case and a surly look on his face)

Luigi: Mario, come look at this!

Mario: (reads over the to-do list)

Dexter: He must've known you would've gone to his castle first, there by wasting time and energy, then he'd be able to defeat you easily.

Luigi: The fiend! We have to get to Yoshi Island right away!

Everyone: (Runs off to yoshi island)

Luigi: ... Hey guys? Are you going to untie me?

Dexter: Oh sorry. (unties Luigi) Well, you better get cleaning or stuff, Mario and I can manage this. (Heads towards the warp pipe with mario)

Luigi: No way! I'm coming this time.

Mario and Dexter: (stop in their tracks)

Dexter: What'd you say?

Luigi: Well last night, while I flickered in and out consciousness, I decided that my street cred needs some serious raising. Mario obviously gets some during his quests, so I'm joining in from now on.

Dexter: Then who's going to take care of your house while you guys are saving the princess?

Luigi: (Shoves a maid's apron and a bottle of cleanser into dexter) You! LATER! (Runs after Mario through the warp pipe)

_And so Luigi set off with his brother on a quest to increase his reputation. As the Mario bros. walked through Toad Town to the designated warp pipe, toads all around shouted cheers of joys and encouragement._

Toad: Go Mario!

Another Toad: You can do it!

Yet another Toad: Save the princess

Oh look, another toad: Good luck

And another one: You're so cool!

Seriously, how many of you are there: Why is Luigi purple?

Guess what, it's another toad, again: Make sure you get plenty of 1-up mushrooms!

Okay that's enough toads: Will you sign my underwear?

THAT'S ENOUGH, WE DON'T NEED ANYMORE OF YOU PEOPLE: Kick some koopa butt!

GAH, where'd you come from: Bowser's going down!

Luigi: Man, there's a lot of toads here.

_No kidding. So after fighting through a mob of fantoads, Mario and Luigi finally got to the warp pipe. As they were forcibly sucked to Yoshi Island Luigi went over his plan of how to raise his street cred._

Luigi: Step 1: Become friends with the cheif yoshi, so I have friends in high places

Step 2: Do something awesome, so I'm popular among yoshis

Step 3: Save the princess, and be awarded the purple mushroom

Step 4: Butter, Milk, and eggs. No wait, that's the wrong list.

_Luigi was going to ask Mario if he knew where the rest of his master plan was. But this question would be replaced by loud yelling as he was shot out of the warp pipe faster than intended. Not that it would've mattered, Mario had learned to tune Luigi out by now._

Luigi: (screaming as gravity regained it's tight and harsh grip) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-_thud_.

Mario: (Turns around to see Luigi's legs flailing about as he tried to pry himself from the crater Luigi had made) (Snickers)

Random Yoshi: Yoshi?

Mario: ?

Luigi: (Pops out of the ground) Ugh...

Yoshi: Yoshi?

Luigi: Huh?

Yoshi: Yoshi?

Luigi: ...Dude. Speak Toadinese.

Yoshi: Yoshi?

Luigi: Can we get a translator?

Another Yoshi: Maybe I can be of assistance. I know both Toadinese and Native Yoshi. And a little Booish and Goombarvarian if you- woah! Is that you Gonzales?

Mario: (Turns around to see a Yoshi with shorts on and an orange tuft of hair. And a familiar smirk)

Luigi: Who's Gonzales? The yoshi?

Orange Tuft: No way man, that's Yoshizilla. (Walks over to Mario) This is Gonzales, and man, we go way back.

Mario and Orange Tuft: (High Five each other)

Luigi: ...Who are you??

Orange Tuft: I'm Little Mac. Well, I'm not so little anymore. But I was just a baby when Gonzales here hatched me from that egg. We went on some wild adventures didn't we?

_Explanation time. In Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, you had to hatch a baby yoshi who would then become your ally. You had to name the yoshi yourself, so I chose the name "little mac" in honor of the actual little mac from Mike Tyson's Punch-out. Both dudes of the same name were just little guys with big dreams of making it big in the ring, and fought their way to the top with the odds against them, so I thought the name choice was perfect. If you haven't played Paper Mario: TTYD shame on you! (slaps the wrists of the losers who never played the greatest game in the paper mario series). Unfortunately since he didn't have an established name he couldn't be featured in many fanfics. But he is in this one, because he is my favorite buddy character of all time in the paper mario series! (squints his eyes intensely) Ever..._

Luigi: That's great and all, but can we get to the translating please?

Mac: Huh, oh right. Yoshizilla just wants to know what Mario and a purple plumber are doing here?

Luigi: Well for your information, we are here on official princess saving business. So move aside civilian, heroes (in need of a reputation upgrade Luigi thought to himself) are coming through.

Mac: Are you guys here to take care of that jerk Bowser again? If you are you have to come see the cheif first.

Luigi: Why?

Mac: He's looking for heroes too climb the mountain Bowser placed his head quarters on, whilst facing powerful beasts and perilous conditions on their tiring trek up the world's most grueling rock climbing and snowstorm conditions. Naturally few have come forward. That's why I'm here, to try and do my yoshi ancestors proud.

Luigi: ...I'm not so sure I'm still up for this Mario... Maybe I should just make sure dexter's alright (flees for the warp pipe)

Mario: (Grabs Luigi and puts him onto Mac, who was now strong to carry up to ten plumbers at full speed)

Luigi: Dang it!

Mac: Hang on!

Luigi: Oh please, how fast- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

_Luigi was scared out of his wits at the speed they were hurtling through the forests of Yoshi Island. Trees and shrubs flew past in a blur of various shades of green. Luigi wouldv'e closed his eyes shut if the sheer wind force weren't keeping them open. And thanks to Einsteins theory of relativity, the seconds it took to travel miles felt like several minutes to Luigi. When would the madness end, he wondered._

Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...(Mac stopped in front of a palace) (Luigi gasped and sputtered from the shock as his brother got off as if it was just another ride through kiddie land)

Mac: Uh, you can get off me now...

Luigi: (collapses to the ground as his jelly legs give way whilst decending Mac's saddle) You guys go ahead. I'll catch up when the ground stops spinning.

Mac: Are you sure you two come from the same genes?

Mario: (shrugs)

Mac and Mario: (walk into the cheif's hut)

Mac: (explaining to mario as they walk down the long corrider to the master room) You know our cheif can be a bit eccentric, so there are a few rules to follow when you talk to him. One, you must end your sentence with "your cheifliness", "your highness", or "your benevolence". You could probably just bow though, he'd understand. Second, never make any sudden hand gestures. He takes it as a challenge. And lastly, don't comment on his beard. He hasn't acheived that "proud yet modest" look yet, so he's pretty self conscious about it. (Walks through the last door in the hallway) Greetings your cheifliness.

Cheif Yoshi: Greetings. Welcome to my palace. All visitors are welcome, (stares intensely at them) as long as you don't get on my bad side that is! Wait a minute... aren't you Little Mac? The reigning champion of glitzville?

Mac: (Flashing his belt) Yep!

Cheif Yoshi: Ooh, I'm such a big fan! (Runs over to him) Will you sign my saddle? (shoves a sharpie in his face)

Mac: Uuh, sure. Anything for a fan your cheifliness.

Cheif Yoshi: (giggles with glee as Mac signs his name) ...ooh ooh! Can you also write a little mesage there too?

Mac: Okay... what do you want it to say your highness?

Cheif Yoshi: "Dear Cheif Yoshi. You are my greatest fan and my greatest friend."

Mac: (Repeats the message as he writes it) Dear...Cheif Yoshi... You...are... my... greatest-

Cheif Yoshi: "I wish on every star in the sky I was half as cool as you"

Mac: (trying to keep up) greatest friend... I wish-

Cheif Yoshi: "All of my best regards towards you, your friends, family, and enemies you suave and handsome stud."

Mac: cool... as you... All of... my best...regards... can you stop giggling for a sec, your shaking the saddle too much your gracious!

Cheif Yoshi: Sorry. (waits for mac to finish) Awesome! (turns to mario) And who is this?

Mario: (bows as Mac introduces him)

Mac: This is plumber and adventurer extraordinaire, Mario of the Mushroom King- (gets pelted in the chest with a camera) Oof! What the-

Cheif Yoshi: Now take a picture of my saddle!

Mac: ...Why??

Cheif Yoshi: 'cause it's gonna wash off when I take a bath...DUH!

Mac: (snaps the photograph)

Cheif Yoshi: (takes back the camera in excitement) hee hee hee! So, what can I do for you gentlemen?

Mac: We're actually here to let you know you have 3 more volunteers for the trek up to bowser's castle your highness.

Cheif Yoshi: Excellent! That brings the total of volunteers up to 6!

Mac: Really? Who else is coming your benevolence?

Cheif Yoshi: Well of course there's the all powerful... oh wait. He's dead. But there's still, well, no, he actually died of irony the night before the trip.

Mac: Died of irony your majesty?

Cheif Yoshi: Yeah. He was a vegetarian, and got eaten by an animal. At least you guys still have-

Yoshizilla: (walks into the room with a report) Yoshi yoshi!

Cheif Yoshi: What do you mean "lost on the mountain?"

Mac: Who?

Cheif Yoshi: The 3rd volunteer we received. Guess it's up to you 3. Wait, there's only 2 of you!

Mac: What? Oh, yeah. the 3rd one's still outside clutching the ground so he "doesn't fall up" your cheifliness.

Luigi: (stumbles in)

Mac: There he is your grace.

Cheif Yoshi: Hello sir.

Luigi: Hey Cheif, wow. Might I say that is a fine little beard you have there? (Gives him a friendly thumbs up)

Cheif Yoshi: ...HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME IN MY OWN PALACE??

Luigi: What??

Cheif Yoshi: Gaurds, take this purple monstrosity out of my sight!

Yoshi gaurds: (grab luigi by his arms and drag him out of the hut)

Luigi: Wait, wait! What'd I do?? (voice fades as he is dragged out of the hut) No wait! I didn't do anything! Let me go! My reputation is on the line here guys! Mario, help me...

Cheif Yoshi: ... (turns towards mario and mac after an uncomfortable silence)...so do you guys like fondue?

_Meanwhile at the yoshi island coastline_

Yoshi Gaurds: (Hurl a confused Luigi out into shark-infested sea)

Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-_splash._ ...What are you guys doing?

Yoshizilla: (reading from an official document) Yoshi yoshi yoshi yo-yoshi. Yoshi yoshi-shi yoshi. Yoshi yoshi-yoshi. Yoshi-yoshi-yo yoshi-shi. yoshi yo-yoshi-shi.

Luigi: Mac! Get over here and translate!

Mac: (comes to the beach with a mouthful of fondue) Sure thing. (turns to yoshizilla) Yo-yoshi yo.

Yoshizilla: Yoshi yoshi yoshi yo-yoshi. Yoshi yoshi-shi yoshi. Yoshi yoshi-yoshi. Yoshi-yoshi-yo yoshi-shi. yoshi yo-yoshi-shi.

Mac: "Luigi is here by exiled from yoshi island on accounts of not recognizing the cheif's authority, violent confrontation, and speaking of taboo topics, the topic in question being the cheif's beard."

Luigi: But I didn't know about that stuff. (approaches the shore) I'm sure we can come to some understanding.

Yoshi Gaurds: (threateningly point their spears at Luigi before he makes it to shore)

Yoshizilla: Yoshi yoshi. Yo yoshi-yo shi-yoshi-shi yoshi yo.

Mac: "Uh-uh. If you step one foot on this island all of our residents will personally make sure you won't have the means to return to the island the next time we chuck you out to sea."

Luigi: (slowly backs into the water) ...so how do I get to the warp pipe to the mushroom kingdom.

Mac: Yo yoshi yo shi-shi?

Yoshizilla: Yoshi yo yoshi.

Mac: You don't. Looks like your swimming back.

Luigi: (looks at the horizon with no sign of land anywhere) ...your kidding me. You can't do this!

Yoshizilla: Yoshi yoshi.

Mac: Yes he can.

Yoshizilla: (turns to the gaurds) Yoshi yoshi-shi

Gaurds: (salute Yoshizilla)

Yoshizilla: (slautes back, and then leaves)

Mac: These guy are gonna stay here and make sure you don't sneak back on.

Luigi: I don't belevie this!

Mac: Sorry. Well, see ya when me and Mario get back! (speeds off)

Luigi: Hey wait! ... aw man!

Yoshi Gaurds: (set up camp as too stay in their position for an indefinite amount of time)

Luigi: ...I don't suppose you guys speak toadinese.

Gaurd #1: Yoshi?

Gaurd #2: (shrugs) Yoshi yo.

Luigi: Thought not. Well, I suppose I better get swimming. (Doggie paddles out to sea) ...this could take awhile...

_After several hours of dog paddling no land was visible to Luigi. Just water water everyhwere, and not a drop to drink. Luigi wondered how far he had travelled in his swimming, and wanted to know whether he should've kept going or turned back towards yoshi island._

Luigi: (turns around)

Yoshi Gaurds who are a bit smaller but still clearly visible from 50 feet away: (wave to Luigi)

Luigi: Dang it! (starts dog paddling back) I guess I can wait in the 3 foot water until mario comes and gets me.

_meanwhile on daisy's cruise ship many, many yards away_

Toad with binoculars: Hey guys, you can see things many, many yards away with these babies!

Toad #2: I can't see any thing more than many yards away! Gimme! (snatches the binoculars)

Toad #1: Hey! You know those are only 4 bucks at the gift shop right?

Toad #2: So? I already have a free pair right here!

Toad #1: You're the worst. I'm heading for the buffet-

Toad #2: Wait! I think I see luigi lost at sea!!

Toad #1: What??

Toad #2: He's dog-paddling towards us!

Taod #1: We need to tell the captain right now!

Toad #2: I know! Quick, we have to... wait a minute.

Toad #1: What??

Toad #2: He's turning around and swimming towards that island.

Toad #1: Oh, he must've been out for a quick swim then.

Toad #2: I guess. So you wanna hit the buffet?

Toad #1: Heck yeah!

_back on the coastline_

Luigi: (sitting in the water up to chest) At least I can wash the purple off of me. _sigh... _Hey, you guys wanna hear a joke?

Yoshi gaurd: Yoshi?

Luigi: Okay, why did the goomba cross the road?

Yoshi gaurd: (shrugs)

Luigi: Because there wasn't a warp pipe! (laughs at his own joke)

Yoshi gaurd: ...

Luigi: (pouts) I wonder how mario is doing.

_Meanwhile_

Mac: I bet you 20 bucks you won't do it.

Cheif: Ha, I bet 30 buck you won't do it!

Mario: (after looking at them intensely, slaps and cool 50 dollars onto the table) ...

Mac: Well? Let's see you do it, chicken!

Mario: (hesitates, and then sticks his head in the fondue pot)

Cheif Yoshi: (counting down from his watch) 10...9...8...7..6...5...4...3-

Mario: (triumphantly brings his cheese-covered head from out of the pot with an apple in his mouth)

Mac: Wow, I can't beleive he did it!

Mario: (gives the losers a coy smirk as he puts down the apple and picks up his 50 dollar winnings, and then leaves)

Cheif Yoshi: Where's he going?

Mac: Probably going to wipe the scalding cheese off of his now burning face.

Mario: (screams from the background)

Cheif yoshi: Hehe. (looks at his watch) Woah, it's almost bed time. You guys better get some sleep before you head up the mountain tomorrow.

Mac: aww... but it's my turn to bob for scalding cheesy apples!

Cheif yoshi: Fine, but then it's bed time for you young man!

Mac: Yay! (puts his head in the fondue pot)

_Ten seconds of lava hot cheese later_

Mario: (snuggles the quilt as he takes the top bunk)

Mac: (walking in as he rubs the scalding cheese off his face) Man, I can't beleive I lost. So am I taking the bottom bunk?

Mario: (nods)

Mac: That's cool, I was always freaked out I would fall off whenever I got the top bunk anyways. (hops onto the bottom bunk) So tell me man, what have you been up too all these years.

_Mario had many adventures since he and Mac last saw each other. Mario was delighted to tell him about the incredible sagas of his life to Mac, and it was great to catch up with an old friend. Unfortunately the other Mario Brother was doing so well. Since Luigi didn't have gills, he couldn't sleep underwater, and the only land available that wouldn't be submerged in high tide was a pointed boulder sitting near the shore line. No matter how Luigi slept on it, the point on top would poke him uncomfortablely, so he had to sleep Koala Bear style, hugging the rock tightly as he slept so he didn't fall into the water._

Luigi: I hope people don't think I'm a rock hugger. Those people are freaks!

Yoshi on the shore: (Hugging a rock as he walks along the shore, he spots Luigi and waves at him as if he were a long lost friend)

Luigi: Great...Hey, what are you doing!?

Rock Hugger: (swims up to Luigi's boulder with rock still in hand, and joins Luigi on the other side of the rock)

_This could have been the worst night of Luigi's life. The gaurds were sleeping in shifts so Luigi stayed off land, he was hanging for dear life, and now his personal bubble was being intruded by a rock hugger. And there was no Mario in sight to save him. That's because Mario was too busy have a restful night's sleep. The morning afterwards he woke up to one best smelling breakfasts his nostrils ever smelled._

Mario: (walks to the kitchen to see a long table lined with mouth-watering delicacies of the breakfast variety)

Mac: (already digging into his scrambled eggs and bacon) Dude! This stuff is amazing! Come on, eat over here by me.

Mario: (with no hesitation, takes the seat next to Mac and reaches for the biscuits and gravy)

_One display of breakfast gluttony later_

Cheif Yoshi: (walking into the kitchen) I trust that your bodies are rested and your tummies are full.

Mario: (belches in response)

Cheif Yoshi: Good, I wish you two the best of luck on your trip.

Mac and Mario: (Set off for their latest quest)

_and thus, it began. Mario's latest adventure was underway, and by the looks of things, it was going to be a smooth ride. Mario felt confident with Mac at his side, and nothing was going to impede their path as they rescued princess peach. However, things became more bleak as they encountered their first, and most tracherous obstacle._

Luigi: Hi guys

Mac and Mario: (jump back startled) AAAAH!!

Mac: Luigi? Dude, quick, get off the island before someone sees you!

Luigi: (with a smirk) ah, but I'm not on the island am I? (points to his feet, showing that he was riding a lakitu cloud). And I quote, "If you step one foot on this island ..." and I have yet to place a single foot on this land.

Mac: Ingenious! How'd you score a lakitu cloud?

Luigi: (His smile growing bigger) Let me tell you the story...

Flashback: (reveals Luigi and the rock-hugger clutcing the boulder)

Rock-hugger: His name is Jefferey. Say hello Jefferey.

Luigi: He's not going to say hello you know.

Rock-Hugger: YES HE IS! (stroking the rock) He's just shy is all.

Luigi: Your as stupid as your rock!

Rock-hopper: (gasps) You apologize to Jeffery!

Luigi: I'm not going to apologize to something that doesn't have feelings!

Rock-hugger: Just say, "I'm sorry". (shakes the rock in his face) please...

Luigi: No.

Rock-hugger: Come on, just say it.

Luigi: (snatching the rock) Dude, I'm not talking to your stupid rock! (Luigi then punctuates the sentence by throwing his rock very far away)

Rock-hugger: Jeffery! (Chases after the airborne rock)

_Meanwhile in the sky_

Lakitu: Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Ohmygosh! I'm late for Bowser's evil plan! Have to keep going until- (gets smacked in the face with Jefferey and goes unconcious) (starts plummeting to earth)

Yoshi Gaurd: (shaking the other one for the shift change) Yoshi yoshi.

Yoshi Gaurd #2: (wakes up) Yoshi?

Yoshi Gurd #1: (tapping his wristwatch) Yoshi yo.

Lakitu: (crashes into them both, knocking them out cold, then tumbles into the water)

Lakitu Cloud: (Hovers above the water)

Lakitu: (breaking the surface sputtering) Aah! Help, Help! I can't swim! Someone help me! (splashes violently)

Luigi: (looks at Lakitu, then his cloud, then back at Lakitu)

End Flashback

Mac: So you saved Lakitu, and he was so grateful he let you borrow his cloud?

Luigi: ...Sure, let's go with that.

Mac: ...Well, welcome aboard Luigi, to the "Princess Peach Rescue Squad Alpha"!

Luigi: ...

Mac: We're still working on the name.

Luigi: Whatever, I'm just pumped right now! Yeah, let's kick some koopa butt!

_As if on cue, the shadow of one of Bowser's troops became visible around the corner. It grew larger and larger, indicating it's impending doom. Luigi stood his gound, er, cloud, and prepared himself for the fearsome, horrible beast that he would soon face down. Which monster had bowser sent out to take them down first?_

Goomba: (walks around the corner)

Luigi: (shreiks like a little girl and jumps into Mac's arms trembling)

Mac: ...That better be sweat dripping down your pant leg!

Luigi: ...(climbs awkwardly back onto his cloud) Sorry, I'm a bit out of practice.

Mario: (Stomps the Goomba before Luigi can even finish his explanation)

Mac: Well I'm sure goomba stomping is like riding a bike.

_It wasn't._

Luigi: (Falls flat on his face as he sails strait over a goomba)

Mac: Come on, even I can do this!

Luigi: Oh yeah, the wrestling champ of the world can beat people up better than a plumber. Shocker.

Mario: (bounces on 4 goombas in a row without touching the ground, and waits impatiently for the other two to catch up)

Mac: Well, at least you landed on your face, so you still technically haven't placed a foot on the island yet.

Luigi: (sarcastically) Lucky me. (Gets hoisted back up Mac and placed gently on his little lakitu cloud) ...OW!

Mac: What?

Luigi: (pulls a spiky shell out from under him)

Mac: Hey, that gives me an idea.

Mario: (clears his throat loudly)

Mac: I'll explain on the way.

_Mac explained his idea to Luigi, which was to take a page from lakitu's book and chuck his ammo at an unexpecting koopa army_

Luigi: That sounds so simple, I'm surprised I didn't think of it. Plus it eliminates the risk of me bouncing off my enemy and onto land. Ooh, ooh. There's a koopa up there I can practice on! (with that Luigi floated into position above the marching koopa. He drew out a spiny, aimed it carefully, and dropped it)

Spiny: (misses the koopa by several feet)

Luigi: Stupid cross winds! Lemme try again. (Reaims his drop and takes a second attempt)

Spiny: (misses by inches)

Luigi: Shoot!

Mac: Third time's the charm...

Luigi: (steadily takes his third shot)

Spiny: (directly hits the koopa's noggin...)

Luigi: Yes!

Spiny: (...then bounces off, leaving the koopa unharmed)

Luigi: WHAT?!

Koopa: (looks up notices Luigi)

Luigi: ...(weakly waves at the koopa)

Koopa: (pulls out a walkie-talkie) Yeah this is green squadron 1 in blue region, we need-

Mario: (Stomps the koopa in mid-sentence, and then uses the shell to knock out the other 3 spinies like a pro)

Mac: Why didn't that work?

_A conundrum that has plagued the author since his first childhood experience with Mario Bros. for the NES. Koopas and Goombas will walk into on another without harm being done, yet when mario makes contact they greatly harm him. Why doesn't the deadly touch of a goomba kill another goomba on contact. WHY??_

Mac: (sighs) We better keep moving.

Mario: (hops onto Mac)

Luigi: (pursuits the speeding yoshi)

_And so the cycle continued. Luigi failed to be of any use, Mario kicked some koopa butt, and Mac provided any necessary assistance, to Mario or a wimpering Luigi. It was long before they they made their way to the top of the mountain, and to the gates of one particular castle of one particular koopa who was the particular enemy of a particular plumber and his particular quest which took place in one particular fanfiction that was written by one particular guy and read by many particular readers who were growing tired of one particular word being used over and over again (particularly the word "particular")._

Mac: You guys particularly ready to do this!

Luigi: Heck yeah!

Mario: (Nods with a confidet smile on his face)

Mac: Alright! Here's the plan (pauses for emphasis)... (rings he nearby door bell)

Bowser: (from behind the gates) What the- Why is it only when I'm in the shower someone's at the door?? Bowser Jr., could you get that!

Bowser Jr.: Can't, I'm trying to set the world record for longest time without opening a door!

Bowser: (sighs) ...Coming! I'm Coming! (opens the gates) Who is it??

Mario: (waves at him)

Bowser: MARIO?? You shouldn't have figured out I was here by now! How'd you know to come here?

Mario: (lifts Bowser's To-do list high in the air)

Bowser: ... Dang it! No wonder I couldn't find that thing.

Mac: (looks it over) ... It doesn't look that well planned out.

Bowser: But that's only the first half of the list. The Second half was to build this baby! (runs into his castle)

Mario, Luigi, and Mac: (Look at each other uncertainly, but before any of them could speak the ground begins to tremble and the roofs of the castle open up)

Bowser: (Appears at the controls of an over-sized cannon that extends high into the air) MWUHAHAHAHAHA! Like it Mario? It's called the "LavaGusher 9000". This little baby is attached to the mouth of this mountain, which is truly a dormant volcanoe! At the push of a button, this cannon will pump the lava from the earth's core all over this pitiful island!

Mac: (Gasps) But that'll destroy everything down in yoshi village! Even the yoshis!

Bowser: I have no use for yoshi's in the new kingdom, which I will create from the ashes of this island, which will only grow in size as the water cools the lava once it reaches shore, and turns it into more land! Peach and I will rule this new empire together as king and queen, eventually acheiving total world conquest! (Takes aim with his cannon) And it all starts with the wiping out of my arch rival. (Locks onto Mario) Any last words plumber?

Luigi: (mistaking Boswer's question to mean the both of them) Yes. Where's that button you mentioned that pumps out the lava?

Bowser: (looks at his control panel, which consists of only two levers used for aiming the cannon). Well, it should be on a remote control I ordered a few days ago. I don't know where that stupid lakitu is!

Luigi: What Lakitu?

Bowser: The one I sent out to retreive my remote! You just can't get good lackies these days!

Luigi: (searching through his cloud) You mean this remote? (Pulls out a remote control in the shape of Bowser's insignia)

Bowser: ...No?

_Bowser was a terrible liar. As Luigi looked over the simple remote, he noticed it had 4 buttons. The "Power On" button. On it's right, the "Power Off" button. And of course, the all important "Fire" button (no pun intended). But the button that got Luigi's attention was the "Self Destruct" button._

Luigi: (sarcastically) Oh dear, whatever button shall I choose to push?

Bowser: Wait! Can I interest you in a trade for that remote?

Luigi: ...what kind of trade?

Mac: Don't do it Luigi! He's bluffing.

Bowser: I'll trade you that remote for the safe return of princess peach. And to show I'm not bluffing, I'll give you her first. (snaps his fingers)

Koopa: (Releases Peach from her jail cell)

Peach: Mario! (Runs into Mario's arms) I'm so glad you came for me!

Luigi: Sounds like a fair trade. (Tosses him the remote)

Bowser: You fool! Now you'll be ashes just like the rest of this island! MWUHAHAHA-HUH?? (Looks at the remote to see that the self destruct button is already pushed). AAAAAH! (Tries to run out of the contraption, but finds the door locked shut from the outside) OH NO! BOWSER JR.! DO SOMETHING!!

Bowser Jr.: What, and ruin the past 3 minutes of my life that I dedicated to not opening doors? Fat chance!

Luigi: Looks like you lose again koopa!

Mac: Dude that things gonna blow any second! Quick, take us down on your cloud!

Luigi: I think it's going to be too heavy for the cloud if we all stand on it. A cloud is nothing but a loose collection of water and ice particles and is unable to support even the weight of a feather, as anything with it's own gravitational pull would simply fall in between the loose particles as if it wasn't even there! In fact, it's physically impossible for me to be standing on this right now. (Luigi instantly falls through the cloud with the realization that what he's doing is impossible) (Shouting as he falls off the mountain) CURSE YOU 8TH GRADE PHYSICS!! CUUUUUUUURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!

Mac: Everybody get on and hold tight, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Mario: (helps peach onto the saddle, then hops onto the saddle behind her, so that peach is held in as mario wraps his arms around Mac's neck)

Mac: (Sprints towards the cliff's edge and base jumps in the nick of time as they nearly escape the explosion) (Shifts his body so the air rushing past him pushes him towards the face cliff)

_As Mac placed his feet onto the cliffside he sprinted as fast as his legs could, so that he could run down the side of the mountain. The mountain formed a ramp at it's base, and Mac was planning to use it to safely reach the ground, but his plan had a major risk to it. If his feet weren't fast enough, they would fall behind his body his head would be pulled downwards, forcing him to tumble head over heels. And with the weight distribution of Mario and Peach on his back he wouldn't be able to pull out of the spin, and they would plummet to their demise. To put all of this simply; Mac had to outrun gravity._

_Their only indicatation that Mac was succeeding to do so was that they were catching up to a earthbound Luigi, as he was screaming and flailing his arms wildly. Mario outstretched his hand, which Luigi gladly took, and pulled him onto Mac's saddle. Not a moment too soon either, as they immediatley started to level out to ground level. Only when the mountain disappeared behind the trees of the yoshi village they entered did Mac skid too a stop. _

Mac: (leaning on his knees panting) _Pant Pant _(looks over to Mario with the realization that they probably shared some of the most intense moments of their lives)

Mario: (helps Peach off of the saddle)

Peach: If I ever have to do anything like that again I'm quiting my position as princess!

Mac and Mario: (laughs)

Peach: (joins in the laughter)

Mac: Heh heh. (Looks over to Luigi noticing he didn't laugh) Luigi?

Luigi: (frozen stiff with his eyes wide and his mouth agape)

Mario: (pokes him to see if he's alright)

Luigi: (falls off Mac's saddle, still petrified with fear)

Mac: Oh Luigi, you're so-

Boulder: (Falls from the sky and almost crushes Mac, stopping him in mid-sentence)

Everyone: (looks towards the sky to see rubble and boulders launched from the explosion falling onto the yoshi village)

_The rocks rained from the heavens as the villagers scrambled for shelter. Well, except for one yoshi Luigi had the "pleasure" too meet the night before, as he welcomed one of the ballistic boulders into his open arms. Chunks of the mountain began crushing everything in sight all around our heroes. A statue of Cheif Yoshi, the palace, the local bowling alley, and the fruit crops just days before the picking season._

Cheif Yoshi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Not the bowling alley! (drops to his knees in tears)

Luigi: (Gets onto his feet as he comes to) Ugh... what happened?

Every yoshi in the village: (Turns to see the exiled plumber with his feet planted in their village)

Mac: ...RUN!!

Mac, Mario, Peach, and Luigi: (Runs for the warp pipe as all of the villagers give chase) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! (Jumps into the warp pipe one by one)

Cheif Yoshi: (yelling down the warp pipe) And don't you ever come back!

Yoshizilla: (Proceeds to nail boards over the pipe's opening)

_Shortly after in Toad Town_

Mac, Mario, and Peach: (pop out of the warp pipe unharmd)

Luigi: (Shoots out of the warp pipe way too fast) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (falls back to earth) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH- _thud._ Can we start putting some mattresses around these things??

Peach: (Ignoring Luigi) Oh thank you for saving me again Mario (gives him a peck of the cheek)

Mario: (blushes redder than his hat)

Mac: Actually it was Luigi who saved you!

Peach: (Looks at Luigi awkwardly, reluctant of pecking him on the cheek) ...awkward.

Luigi: It's fine. Wait, if I saved the princess instead of Mario, then that means my rep's been uppped, right?

Mac: Well actually, in your saving of her you been exhiled from a entire civilization, blocked off access to one of the mushroom kingdom's top vacation spots, and totally destroyed one of yoshi island's most significant landmarks. So you might have gone down.

Luigi: Well there's only one way to find out.

_some time later_

Luigi: (rings the doorbell)

Parakarry: (answers his door) Hello?

Luigi: What's crack-a-lackin' in the hizzouse fo' rizzle?

Parakary: (reacting to Luigi's improper use of what little street cred he had) ...(punches him in the nose)

Luigi: AHH! (stop, drop, and rolls all over Parakarry's freshly watered lawn while clutching his nose)

Toad with a banjo: (starts singing and strumming his instrument)

"He thought he was cooler,

But he was just "fool"-er,

'Cause he didn't know that, his street cred was lowered.

He should've went to ,

Then wouldn't be in pain, calling out for his mom."

* * *

**Cameo appearance #2! The honors going to Yoshizilla. Why?**

**1. He reveiwed, alerted, and favorited this story (thanks dude)**

**2. Has probably eaten a full third of this site's servers with his many contributions**

**3. Zillas Unite!**

**So yeah, go check his stuff out. But a word of caution, most of his stories are filled cute silliness, stuff to read when in a happy go-lucky mood. For those with an acute intolerance for cute silliness should still check out his latest work; "Super Mario Dimensional Tides". An epic fanfic which will please any nintendo fan.**

**This would also be a great time to introduce my new cameo system! It's pretty basic. If I find users that read this story who have some note-worthy fanfiction that I want to share with those who read this story will get a cameo in an upcoming chapter. Think of it as an academy award for outstanding fanfiction. But rules apply.**

**You have to reveiw this story or add it to your favorite (so I know you'll see the cameo if you get one)**

**It has to be very excellent fanfiction. Not everyone is going to get a cameo.**

**It needs to be Mario fanfiction. 'Cause that's why your here, right?**

**If you post a reveiw saying "check out my stuff" then I won't, because it can't be very good if you have to beg me to see it.**

**And don't feel bad if you don't get a cameo. I'm not saying your bad. It just needs to be really outstanding stuff. Otherwise getting a cameo would mean nothing. Congrats again Yoshizilla. Who will be next?**


	11. Steak sauce swimsuit

**Another one for you guys. This one features a bit more of Tim, Dexter's brother. But that's really the only significant thing about it. Other than being hilarious anyways. Also, thanks to all who reveiw. It makes life a that much more worth living for everytime I get a reveiw.**

* * *

_Luigi was making faces at the fish. At the Mushroom Park Zoo Luigi and Mario were babysitting Dexter and Tim while their parents were out of the house for the evening. It was an improptu trip to the zoo since the boys were dropped off at the last minute._

Flashback: (Shows Dexter and Tim leaping from a speeding car as it passes Luigi's house.)

Dexter and his brother Tim: (Lands on the lawn with a thud)

Luigi: (walks out of the house with a fistful of money and a shopping list in the other hand) Let's see. Mushrooms, Chukola Cola, Mustache wax- hey! You two better not be planting firecrackers in my yard again! (Looks around the yard for the fuse)

Dexter: (with a sleeping bag and toothbrush in hand) Actually we need to stay here for the night while the parents go out tonight.

Tim: Can you beleive they have the gall to ask for 3 hours of fun while I don't!

Luigi: Why do you guys have to stay here?

Flashback: (shows Dexter and Tim riding in the car with their parents)

Dexter: So when do we get to the toy store for "trade your sleeping bag and toothbrush for free toys" day?

Dexter's Dad: Oh, did I say "Toy store"? I meant to say "Mrs. Bitterwood's house". (looks at them evilly)

Tim: oh no! You don't mean-

Dexter's Dad: That's right! You two will get to stay at Mrs. Bitterwood's tonight while your mother and I go and have fun for the one night of the year we get too!

Dexter and Tim: (Scream in Terror)

Dexter: Why can't you get someone else?

Dexter Dad: Because no one else accepts "50 percent off Jelly Donut" Coupons! (Opens the jockey box and allows it's overstuffed contents of said coupons to spill out onto the passenger seat)

Tim: B-but-but...

Dexter: What if we can find someone to do it for free! Like Luigi, he'd be happy to do it!

Dad: We're already halfway to option number 1's house. It would just waste time to turn around and head back.

Tim: Well you don't have to slow down, we can just tuck and roll when we go past.

Dexter's Dad: (mills the thought around in his head for awhile) ...Fine. (Makes a sharp and illegal U-turn)

Dexter: (Waits for Luigi's house to come up, then begins the count down) 3... 2... 1...

Dexter and his brother Tim: (Leap from a speeding car as it passes Luigi's house and lands on the lawn with a thud)

Luigi: (walks out of the house with a fistful of money and a shopping list in the other hand) Let's see. Mushrooms, Chukola Cola, Mustache wax- hey! You two better not be planting firecrackers in my yard again! (Looks around the yard for the fuse)

Dexter: (with a sleeping bag and toothbrush in hand) Actually we need to stay here for the night while the parents go out tonight.

Tim: Can you beleive they have the gall to ask for 3 hours of fun while I don't!

Luigi: Why do you guys have to stay here?

Flashback: (shows Dexter and Tim riding in the car with their parents)

Dexter: So when do we get to the toy store for "trade your sleeping bag and toothbrush-

Luigi: (ending the flashback's endless cycle) Okay I get it! So what's so horrible about this Mrs. Bitterwood person.

Dexter: Are you kidding? (counting his complaints with his fingers as he went) She makes us go to bed at 6:30 PM, she doesn't have a TV, she cooks the worst meals!-

Tim: I still gag when I think about that Boiled Celery she made us eat last year! ...(gags)

Dexter: And she makes us do chores all day long. Do you know how many cats that woman has??

Tim: I don't think that number exists within the realm of our mathematical understanding.

Luigi: What's so bad about that?

Dexter: She only has one litter box. ONE...LITTER BOX...

Tim: And she only talks about old people stuff. **Gross **old people stuff.

Luigi: (convinced that Mrs. Bitterwood was the worst babysitter in all of history) Fine, I'll babysit you. But I have to go to the market for awhile and I don't want to hear any whining from you two.

Dexter: Okay.

Tim: No problem.

_Later at the mustache grooming aisle of the supermarket_

Tim and Dexter: (yelling) I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED...

_at the cash register_

Tim and Dexter: I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED...

_in the parking lot_

Tim and Dexter: I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED...

_on the walk home_

Tim and Dexter: I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED...

_in the living room_

Tim and Dexter: I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED I'M BORED-

Luigi: (turns on the TV)

Tim and Dexter: ...

Luigi: (plops down onto the couch) Okay, what do you guys want to do now that I'm done with shopping.

Tim: (still looking at the TV) What's wrong with this?

Luigi: Fine with me. What's on?

Dexter: (checking the channel guide) Well let's see... oh, what about "Bob-boms of the Carribean"?

Luigi: Not if it's on Pay-per-veiw.

Dexter: Okay, what about... "Pimp my Crib"

Tim: Boring.

Luigi: What about the 'Stache Network? They have a special on right now featuring the top 50 mustache styles of the past decade!

Dexter and Tim: (slowly turn to look at Luigi stangely)

Luigi: ...

Dexter: (scrolls through the channels, until "The Mini Luigi Show" was highlighted)

Everyone: Heck No!

Tim: I'm never watching that show again!

Dexter: Yeah, remember the last episode we saw?

Flashback: (Shows Dexter and Tim on the couch wearing jammies with a bowl of cereal on their laps)

TV: And now, "The Mini Luigi Show"

Mini Luigi: Hey boys and girls! Are you having a super-duper splenderific day??

Tim and Dexter: ...

Mini Luigi: That's great! Now, let's get a few questions from the audience. Anyone?

Toad in the audience: What are your thoughts on Golem's Incompleteness thereom?

Mini Luigi: "Is breakfast the most important meal of the day?" Good question! While breakfast is important, it's not nearly important as owning your own "The Mini Luigi Show" Home Game and Playsets!

Stage hand: (wheels out a table with said toys featuring the puppet's face all over them)

Mini Luigi: Test your parent's love by asking them for all of my super duper playsets and toy figurines! Earn respect from your classmates by showing off the Mini Luigi playhouse, and then not letting them play with it! Only kids with a face only a mother could tolerate wouldn't want to spend their allowance on such bodacious bling-bling like a pair of Mini Luigi sunglasses, and what girl wouldn't swoon over a guy wearing the Mini Luigi Back-to-school back pack. Order from the number while supplies last! And now, a word from our sponsors!

End Flashback

Everyone: (shudders)

Tim: I don't feel like watching TV anymore...

Dexter: But what else is there to do?

TV: Looking for fun?

Everyone: (looks over at the TV)

TV: Wanna go wild!?

Tim and Dexter: Yeah!

TV: Then come on down to the Zoo! Feed the animals! See nature in all of it's splendor! Watch the interns fend for their lives in the shark tank!

Dexter: Can we go Luigi?

Tim: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!

Luigi: I don't see why not! Hey Mario, wanna go to the zoo?

Mario: (Walks to the door with his boom box) (nods his head)

Luigi: What up with the boom box?

Mario: ... (shrugs)

End Flashback

Luigi: (making faces at the fish)

Fish: (Stare back at Luigi either intrigued or confused, you can't tell with fish)

Dexter: Come on Luigi! The shows about to start!

Luigi: (quickly follows Dexter to a set of bleachers placed in front of the shark tank)

Intercom: Ladies and Gentlemen, kids of all ages, welcome to "Feeding Frenzy", where we tell our pimple-faced interns that the only way to feed sharks is to don a scuba suit and throw the chum from inside the tank!

Luigi: ...This is staged right?

Intercom: What makes today's show interesting was that the diving gear we gave today's lucky employee was a size too small, so we had to butter the insides of the suit with steak sauce so the little sucker could squeeze in! Won't that be a hoot! And here comes our star of the show now!

_And with that, a scuba-geared college student (trying to earn some extra credit for biology by applying for an animal-related job) was thrown into the tank. All sharks within the pool immediately placed their full attention on the steak sauce smothered human desperately trying to get the chum away from his person. Already scared strait out of his mind, Mario only made things worse for the star of the show._

Mario: (plays the theme from "Jaws" on his boom box and cranks up the volume)

Luigi: You're horrible!

Tim: I'm not so sure about this guys. Doesn't it seem a bit heartless to draw entertainment from a living being's natural eating habits while it tries to burden the ordeals of living in captivity? Are sharks no less worthy of- OH MAN! LOOK AT THEM GO! (stands up in excitement) YEEEEAAAAAAAH!

Audience: ... (Gasps in horrible shock)

Dexter: Umm... How hard is it to swim with only one arm?

Tim: And no legs?

Curtain: (Quickly covers the window of the shark tank)

Intercom: Uhh... and that'll be the end of today's show... You know maybe that steak sauce wasn't a good idea... Well of course they don't get a refund! Nothing happened to them! ... What?... It is not...Carl, I know for a fact I turned the intercom off, and that as soon as I turn around your gonna take off with my turkey sandwich... I'm not falling for this time Carl... Seriously Carl, I'm not turning around this time!... Lalalalala, I can't hear you, lalalalala...

Audience: (leaves the bleachers scarred for life)

Dexter: I'm gonna need to pet a lot fluffy animals before that exits my thoughts.

Tim: Yeah, I'll need atleast 4, maybe 5 alpacas!

Luigi: (Looking at the so-detailed-it-hurts-your-eyes-when-you-try-to-read-it map of the zoo) Well they have a petting zoo here. The shortest route is through the carniverous and/or poisonous snake exhibit...(stops in his track) OR, we could get some excercise and take the long route through "Exotic Amazon".

Dexter: I like option number 2.

Tim: Aww... but my legs are so tired!

Luigi: You can hop on my back for a ride if you're tired of walking.

Mario: (Instinctively jumps onto Luigi's back)

Luigi: Oof... NOT YOU!!

Mario: (Climbs off of his brother's back with a disappointed look on his face)

Luigi: (Lets Tim onto his back most likely broken back)

_As they walked, or in one case piggy-backed, to the petting zoo they looked left and right at the various animals behind the glass. Flying chimpanzee whose webbed arms allowed them to glide, Amphibious sealife walking in and out of the water, koala bears with teeth so large they couldn't fully close their mouths. Fantastical beasts seen for the first time by the public eye. Everyone agreed this was better than petting some stupid llama._

Mario: (walks up to an empty exhibit and peers inside it looking for something)

Luigi: Watch'a doin' bro?

Mario: (points to the sign saying "Invisible meerkats")

Luigi: Invisible? How do you catch an invisible meerkat?

Dexter: Aren't meerkats found in the safari and not the amazon?

Luigi: Pfft. There's probably nothing in there. Rip-off!

Tim: Why don't you go in there and prove it?

Luigi: (setting the "foolish child" onto the ground) I will! (disappears through a door near the exhibit and appears through a door inside the windowed room) ...There you see that? There's nothing- AAAAAAAAHH!

_Without warning Luigi fell to the ground swatting at the air. Peices of fabric were being ripped from his outfit by an unknown force. Scratch and bite marks appeared on the screaming plumber without warning, as he dashed for the exit. A second later he reappeared in the hallway, torn up and panting._

Luigi: _Pant Pant_... What was that??

Security Gaurd: (interupts the conversation before anyone can reply with "invisible meerkat, stupid!") Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave!

Luigi: What? But why?

Security Gaurd: (gestures towards a sign not 20 feet away, which read in red, bold letters, "DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS!")

Luigi: ...I didn't feed any animals!

Security Gaurd: Those flesh wounds say otherwise. Now please leave the immediate area. And take your no good trouble making friends with you.

Dexter: What did we do?

Security gaurd: I saw you encouraging Mr.death-wish over here to enter the exhibit, and thanks to you people the meerkats now have a taste for blood! (emphisizes the last word by saying it slowly and with a deep voice)

_And with that, they headed for the parking lot. Although they did have a good time, there was a feeling of lost opportunity inside them all. There were still so many food pellets to feed, so many lethal animals to taunt from behind the protective fences, so much glass to defiantely tap in spite of all the signs telling them to do otherwise._

Luigi: Oh well, guess that's the end of that...

Dexter: Yeah, but I'm... wait a minute, where's Mario?

Tim: He's over there (points to Mario with his back against the wall)

Luigi: (walking over to his petrified brother) What the- (notices the cage of animals across from him)

Tim: What's up with Mario? He looks like he's gonna lose control of his bladder any second now!

Luigi: Unfortunately, like all people, Mario is deathly afraid of one thing. (points to the animals across from him)

Dexter: (studying the wild animals focusing their attention on Mario, almost challenging him) ...Blue Hedgehogs?

Luigi: Yep. Nobody knows why, but for as long as I can remember Mario has always felt an uneasiness about blue hedgehogs. It's a good thing they're rare around these parts, otherwise Mario might just snap.

_Elsewhere (10 feet away from Luigi)_

Luigi: -might just snap.

Bowser Jr.: (Runs for his father after eavesdropping) Dad! DAD! I have big news! (finds him at the aquarium)

Bowser: Not now Jr, I'm very busy with something! (returns his attention to the wall of glass in front of him) ...(begins tapping the glass)

Bowser Jr.: But dad, Mar-

Bowser: Can't you see I'm a bit busy defying "the man"? (punctures a hole in the glass with his claw)

Weight of the water in the aquarium: (puts too much pressure on the hole, and causes a crack to form and spread throughout the glass wall)

Bowser Jr.: Nice going dad!

_outside_

Luigi: (puts his still quivering brother into the passenger seat as Dexter and Tim cimb into the back seats)

Tim: Do you think we'll be able to come back? I still have unfinished business with a certain alpalca with strangely pet-able fur

Luigi: Who knows. (looks at the clock reading 5:55 PM) 1 hour should be plenty of time to get home before the season finale of "America's got mustache".

Dexter: I'll be surprised if that guy with the dancing and singing mustache doesn't win!

Tim: Oh please, that's old hat. The disappearing mustache trick is awesome!

Dexter: Yeah, but he did that at every stage of the competition. It got old fast!

_Luigi pulled out of the parking lot as Tim and Dexter "debated" who would win. In the rear veiw mirror Luigi notices a tidal wave of water and fish exploding out of the entrance of the aquarium, and washing away every car in the parking lot. Maybe it was a good thing they got thrown out. Maybe it wasn't._

Luigi: (Turns onto Highway 12) I dunno, that ventriloquist act's pretty funny.

Tim: Pffft. Like a ventriloquist act could ever win a national talent competition.

Luigi: It could happen. Besides, I bet one day ther- AAH! (slams on the brakes) _SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!_ Dang it, traffic jam! (puts the car into reverse, only to look back and see 3 cars already lining up behind him) ... (puts the gear into "park")

Tim: (To small to see through the window without standing on the seat) Why'd we stop Luigi?

Luigi: Something's blocking the road, and we just have to wait until they clear it up.

Dexter: What do we do in the mean time?

Tim: I brought a book to read! (pulls out a book entitled, "1,001 fact you didn't want to know")

Luigi: Ooh, is that one of those fun fact books? Let's hear some!

Tim: Sure. (flips through the pages until he reaches chapter 6: Humanity's Doom) Did you know that if we don't find a way to prevent global warming within the next ten years the effects will be irreversible?

Luigi: ...No... What does the next one say?

Tim: At the exponential rate of increase in human population combined with the our desperate logging bussiness taking away our vital oxygen producing trees, we will soon produce more carbon dioxide by exhaling at a faster rate than the trees can produce oxygen, causing all of the available breathing air to disappear, leaving the world's population to suffocate and die.

Luigi: (Feeling depressed) Does it get any better?

Tim: Nope. In fact, listen to this one! "We might as well stop advancing as a civilization and forget about the future, because if humanity doesn't wipe itself out, the sun will when it goes supernova and erases all traces of matter and existence from our solar system, leaving nothing but emptiness and a bleak lack of life in the empty void that is the universe. Assuming humans will still be around by then."

Luigi: (Grabs the book and throws it out the window)

Tim: HEY! I paid good money for that book!

Luigi: And I paid good money for this match! (lights the match and throws it onto the book)

Book: (Spontaneously bursts into flames as the smoke forms into the shape of a screaming skull for breif moment and moans a deathly wail before turning into a pile of smoldering ash)

Tim: ...

Dexter: I told you that thing was possesed!

Luigi: (looks at the clock)

Clock: 5:59 pm

Luigi: You guys want to listen to some tunes while we wait?

Dexter and Tim: Yeah!

Luigi: (turns on the radio) Ooh, I know this one! (Using his best diva voice) "I got a pocket- got a pocket full of sunshine! I've got a pocket- got a pocket full of sunshine, Woah-o"

Tim and Dexter: Next!

Luigi: (switches to another station, and starts singing to that song) "I kissed a girl, and I liked it!"

Tim and Dexter: (covering their ears) NEXT!

Luigi: (presses "Preset 3")

Radio: I like, big, butts-and-I-cannot-lie! -

Luigi: (quickly turns off the radio realizing he accidently switched to Mario's "Private Preset")

Mario: (snaps out of shock realizing someone was listening to his "private preset")

Luigi: Sooo, who wants to play "I-Spy"?

Tim: I spy with my little eye... something nonexistant.

Dexter: Luigi's chances of getting a date!

Tim: BINGO!

Tim and Dexter: (high five each other and laugh)

Luigi: (feeling sufficiently burned) Fine! What do you guys want to do?

Dexter: Actually I've been taking hypnosis classes in hopes of the bending the weak-minded to my will, turns out you can't. But I think I might be able to cure Mario of his Blue Hedgehog phobia.

Mario: (Perks his head up, interested in eliminating his one weakness)

Dexter: Mario must be fully willing to do it, and must cooperate with what I tell him to do. Are you up for it?

Mario: (Nods his head)

Dexter: Alright. Lean back into your chair and close your eyes. I'm going to put you into deep slumber.

Mario: (prepares himself for hypnosis)

Dexter: Alright, I'm going to count down from 100. With every number I say I want you to be twice as relaxed as you were on the number before it.100

Mario: (remains unchanged)

Dexter: 99

Mario: (unclenches his fist)

Dexter: 98

Mario: (lowers his shoulders)

Dexter: 97

Mario: (lets his head fall all the way back)

Dexter: 96

Mario: (Breathes very deeply)

Dexter: (after counting down to 88) I think he's in hypnotic slumber now.

Luigi: How can you tell?

Dexter: Mario, if you can hear me, raise your pinky finger.

Mario: ...(slowly raises his pinky finger)

Dexter: Yep. Now, I think his fear may have been caused a surpressed childhood trauma involving a blue hedgehog. Mario, I want you to think back, way back, and remember your most horrifying memory of your life. That may be the key to your fear.

Mario: (recollects his memories, remembering the most awful seconds of Mario's life)

Flashback: Shows Mario hanging out at the pool, in his college years.

Mario: (Cooly approaches a pair of sunbathing "hotties")

Daisy: (notices Mario) Peach, I think someone's giving you the eye...

Peach: (looks up at a studly Mario)

Mario: (winks at peach)

Peach and Daisy: (Giggle uncontrollably)

Luigi: Hey Mario, check out my new swimsuit!

Mario: (turns to see Luigi posing in a tight pair of speedos) (Screams in terror until he blacks out)

End flashback

Mario: (Screams in agonizing terror upon his recollection)

Tim: Dude, snap him out of it!

Dexter: Mario, when I snap my fingers you can come out of it! 1... 2... (snaps) 3!

Mario: (Opens his eyes and stops screaming) (Gasps for air)

Luigi: What was that all about??

Mario: (looks at Luigi for a breif moment, and is instantly reminded of the horrible tragedy that struck him many years ago) ...(Starts screaming again)

Luigi: (Looks at the clock)

Clock: 6:07

Luigi: 53 more minutes to get home before the season finale.

Dexter: Not by my watch. It's 7:07. Didn't you move the clock forward an hour of daylight savings yesterday?

Luigi: (realizing he didn't on the car's clock) OH MAN!! It's already starting!

Tim: Relax. You still have about 50 minutes before they reveal the winner.

Luigi: I suppose.

Tim: You guys want to try the radio again?

Luigi: (making sure it's not on preset 3, turns on the radio)

Radio: And that was #33 on the charts, "Dude looks like a lady". Next up we have -(Walrus barking sounds interrupt)- WOAH! We just heard the barking walrus and you know what that means! Caller #33 gets a chance to win 50,000 coins!

Dexter: (instantly reaches his cell phone) WHAT'S THE NUMBER?

Luigi: Gimme! (takes the cell phone and punches in the number) ...it's ringing!

Radio: Hello caller #33! What's your name!

Luigi: Luigi!

Radio: "Luigi!". Awesome! You now have a chance to rake in the dough by answering one question! Who was the author of the infamous book, "1,001 facts you didn't want to know"? 30 seconds!

Luigi: ...(holds the cell phone away from him so he can talk to the others) Tim, do you remember who wrote the book?

Tim: Uuuuh...

Radio: 23 seconds caller.

_It wouldn't matter if Tim's guess was correct or not, because when Luigi held the cell phone away from him, he put it in front of the radio. As the sound came out of the radio, it went into the cell phone and came back out the radio in an endless loop, causing an earsplitting reverb. The DJ would be found unconscious on the floor 3 hours later._

Tim: Guy Smith?

Luigi: (returning his cell phone to his mouth) Guy Smith? ...Hello? I must've been disconnected.

Dexter: No, I can still hear your voice coming from the radio.

Luigi: Really, weird?

_In the car in front of them_

Toad: (listening to the same station as Luigi) WHAT THE-??

Radio: So now what? ... (Luigi using his best diva voice) I got a pocket- got a pocket full o' sunshine!

_The station's rating were never as low as they were today._

Luigi: (later) I'm bringing sexy- hey! (looks at the radio to see he's not on it anymore) What happened to my beautiful singing? (looks at the cell phone, which read "LOW BATTERY" before finally dying) Oh. Here's your phone Dexter (extends his arm to hand Dexter back his phone)

Dexter: (stares out the window)

Luigi: Dexter...

Dexter: (continues with his lifeless gaze)

Luigi: DEXTER!

Dexter: Wha? (takes the earplugs out) Did you say something?

Luigi: (tosses the phone to dexter in an angry fashion, which is somewhat difficult to do when you toss something rather than throw it then checks the time)

Radio: 6:29 pm

Luigi: 6:29pm, so it's really 7:29! I'm gonna miss my show!

Police officer: (taps on the driver side window)

Luigi: (rolls down the driver's side window) Is there a problem officer?

Police officer: Nah, we're just going car to car telling people why there's a hold up.

Luigi: Well there better be a darn good reason!

Officer: Well Birdo's out in the middle of the street complaining that she's hardly getting royalties from all of her game appearances. She's demanding that she get paid in full for her vital contributions to nintendo or else she'll get some gasoline to pour all over herself and light a match, so we're going car to car asking people to add to the collection we're gathering. Do you want to donate a little something?

Luigi: (Reaching for his wallet) Absolutely! How much have you guys gathered so far?

Officer: 14 gallons!

Luigi: ...Uh, never mind then.

Officer: (leaves for the car behind Luigi)

Tim: (starts rocking back and forth in his seat)

Luigi: You need to use the bathroom?

Tim: What?

Luigi: I said, do you need a bathroom?

Tim: HUH??

Luigi: ...TAKE THE EARPLUGS OUT!

Tim: Oh yeah, (takes out the earbuds) now what?

Luigi: Bathroom, do you need it?

Tim: Yeeeeeeeeeesss!

Luigi: Too bad, I told you to go before we left!

Dexter: No you didn't! You just kept muttering something about showing that security gaurd what a real flesh wound looks like.

Tim: DUDE! My bladder does not have an infinite amount of storage for my slushies and colas! It's gonna blow right now!

Luigi: Well maybe next time-

Tim: RIGHT NOW!! (leaps out of the closest open window)

Luigi: (watches Tim run down the highway in search of a plant that needs watering) ... So how long do you think before Mario comes to?

Dexter: (looking at Mario who screamed so long he passed out from forgetting to take a breath) Maybe another hour or 2.

Luigi: ... Hey Dexter, you wanna hear a joke?

Dexter: Oh god.

Luigi: What does Bowser use to water his garden?

Dexter: What?

Luigi: A **fire**hose!

Dexter: (Feeling the joy of life slipping away from his perishable soul) ...So, when do we get moving again?

Luigi: When Birdo stops being the whiny brat that she-

_A giant explosion erupted in the distance and a plume of fire lifted into the air. Luigi turned around shocked, sorry he ever said an unkind word about the person who just suffered probably the most spectacular scene this neighborhood will ever witness. But as he looked to the side of the road, he saw Birdo and two police officers who managed to pull her to safety before the gasoline blew up. Luigi saw the Officer on the left mouth the word "oops"._

Dexter: Does that mean we can go now?

Luigi: (watching the cars drive away) I suppose. (puts it into gear and starts driving)

Dexter: Sweet, we might- WAIT!! (Pulls on the emergency brake without warning)

Car behind Luigi: (Slams hard into his rear bumper, taking out the left turn signal)

Luigi: What was THAT for?

Dexter: Where's Tim??

_meanwhile_

Tim: (in someone's garden) Yeah, you needed some watering didn't you little guy. MmHmmmm... (zips up his pants) better get back to the guys! (walks away)

Kooper: (walking to the bush Tim was at) And this is the Henero Plant I wanted to show you!

Bombette: The what plant?

Kooper: The Henero Plant. It's been passed down through my family for generations, father passing it's responsibility to his son. It the rarest plant in the world, and there is a very stong possibility that this is the very last of it's kind.

Bombette: What's so special about it?

Kooper: If kept in perfect condition for one thousand years it's buds will open and release a liquid containing anti-virus.

Bombette: Perfect condition?

Kooper: It must only be watered in purified holy water, any imperfection will result in the plant's bulbs to wither and die at the time of it's blooming. But if it does bloom, the anti-virus will be released.

Bombette: Anti-virus?

Kooper: Yep. It spreads from person to person like a regular virus, except it wipes harmful viruses completeley out of it's host, and reproduces more of itself to be passed onto the next person. This anti-virus will releive the earth of any virus, plague, and disease within a month! I'll be given the nobel peace prize hands down.

Bombette: When does it bloom?

Kooper: It will be exactly 1000 years in 5...4... 3... 2...-

Henero Plant: (Withers and dies)

Kooper: (frozen in place in shock)

Bombette: Are you okay Kooper?

Kooper: ...(single tear runs down his cheek)

_Back on the highway_

Tim: Well I see that there's still a traffic jam. (looks to see Luigi's car with it's back end smashed in) What the?

Tow Truck: (drags Luigi's ride to the impound)

Tim: (walking over to Dexter) What the heck happened?

Dexter: Dad just ran into Luigi's car.

Dexter's Dad: Only because he was an idiot enough to slam the brakes on a 50 MPH highway.

Dexter: You're not mad at him, are you dad?

Dexter's Dad: Nah, his insurance company's going to pay for the damage by selling spare parts from Luigi's old car, so it's all good. Besides, we're going to give the Mario Bros. a ride home.

Tim and Dexter: (climb into the back seat)

Tim: (noticing only an unconscious Mario in the back row) Where's Luigi?

Dexter: (points at the ceiling)

Dexter's Dad: Yeah, sorry we don't have enough room for you in the cabin Luigi, but don't worry, I'm almost sure these ropes won't break. (Starts speeding down the road)

Luigi tied to the roof: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Tim: (listening to Luigi's muffled screams Maaaan, how come I never get to ride on top?

Dexter: Hurry up Dad! America's Got Mustache is almost over!

Dexter's Dad: That's tonight?? (Slams on the gas pedal)

Dexter: (being pushed into his seat by the G-force) Atleast Luigi stopped screaming

Tim: Yeah, I bet it's hard to catch your breath at 134 miles per hour!

Dexter's Dad: (shaves even more time off of his route by using a fallen billboard as a ramp to jump the channel of water that seperates Toad Town from the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom)

Everyone except Mario: (Screams as they fly through the air, landing without loss of speed onto the slanted roof of some house, then onto the road)

Dexter's Dad: (after breaking countless laws of the road, drifts into the only available parking space in front of Dexter's home, barely squeezing in between an SUV and a Hummer) Quick! only 5 minutes left!

_With that, Dexter, Tim, and their parents ran for the living room, quickly flipping through the channels until they reached MBC. They were disapponted to see they missed the show, but were ecstatic to hear an encore presenatation of the finale was coming up. However, Mario finally stirred awake in the car half an hour later. Confused, he stepped out of the car to see him home 20 feet away. "Worst kidnappers ever" Mario thought to himself. As he looked over the vehicle, he noticed it was heavily damaged. Smashed in the front, indented seats in the cabin, and ropes snapped in half were all over the roof, along with some fresh, deep scratches, mostly likely made by a gloved human Mario deduced. Mario was too tired to think right now, and decided to wait until morning before figuring out what happened._

* * *

**All right guys, don't forget to reveiw. They're my only motivation to juggle this and the rest of my life.**

**Also, for those with no deductual powers, Luigi fell off the car as everyone was speeding home. He desperately hung on until they were over the water, then "splash". But you geniuses figured it out right? Also, I'm still accepting any ideas for chapters you want to mention. Lay it on me.**


	12. Cheater Salad

****

I just want to thank everyone for their reveiws. One night I went through and read every single one, and they just gave me a huge motivational boost. So much so, that on the night I read them I stayed up until 3 in the morning typing away at this chapter. Thanks alot you guys. And more and more people are reveiwing every chapter, I'm just psyched right now.

**So here it is. This one features Toadette, though not in the best of lights. And guess who has to suffer her.**

* * *

Luigi and Mario: (having breakfast) ...

Luigi: Hey Mario. Do you ever wonder if our lives were fictional. That the world we live in was not reality, but the fantasies and imagination of a greater being than us. Our lives and stories being conjured up by a force unknown to us just for entertainment?

Mario: ...(smacks the Philosophy book out of Luigi's hands)

Luigi: Hey! (hears the doorbell ring) I'll get it. (walks to the front door to see a panicking Toad) What's up?

Toad: Dude, you have to let me in right now! (dashes past Luigi and dives under the sofa) It's following me!

Luigi: (closing the door behind him) What is?

Doorbell: (rings again)

Luigi: (opens the door to see Toadette) Wha-

Toadette: Where is he!?

Luigi: Where is who?

Toadette: Don't act dumb, the tracker I hid in clothing says he's in this very house (holds up a radar beeping erratically)

Luigi: Does he know he has a tracker in his clothing.

Toadette: (looking around the living room) No. I had to break into his house while he was out shopping . Are you sure he isn't here?

Luigi: Would I lie to you?

Toadette: I suppose not... oh well. Looks like the makers of the "Globe tracker 3200" are going to receive one very angry call to their customer service council. (walks away)

Toad: (after making sure she's gone) ...SHE PUT A TRACKER ON ME??

Luigi: Are you in trouble Toad?

Toad: No. She's just in love with me.

Luigi: That looked more like obsession.

Toad: I don't know what's wrong with the woman! Yeah, it was cool at first, knowing that someone really cared for me. But then she got really obsessive and creepy! She even got a tattoo of me on the inside of her eyelids so she could look at my face whenever she wanted!

Luigi: Whoa!

Toad: Now I can't step outside of my house without being ambushed by that woman! I'm lucky I made it to your house in time!

Luigi: I was about to ask you about that, why are you here?

Toad: I need you Luigi. Only you have the expertise and knowledge I need to turn off a woman.

Luigi: ... That better be a compliment!

Parakarry: Come on Luigi, you were born for this mission!

Luigi: Ah! Stop sneaking into my house Parakarry.

Parakarry: Sorry, I just needed your opinion on something; which one wiggles around more. (holds up a fistful of cell phones) 500 cell phones on "vibrate" being called at once. Or (holds up a sack) 200 starved hamsters fighting over a single food pellet. On one hand, the cell phones will cost me a fortune, on the other hand, I could be sent to jail by the people for animal rights.

Luigi: (staring blankly at Parakarry's dilemma) ...Why do you need to know this?

Parakarry: Because I'm building a massage chair from scratch, and I need to know what to stuff in the back. I can't buy one because that'll cost me 2 month's salary.

Luigi: I don't have time for this, I have more important matters to tend to. (places a hand on Toad's shoulder)

Toad: Really, you'll help me?

Luigi: Yeah. Believe you me, I've been through some girl troubles myself. But if there's one way to break up with a lady, it's this. (holds up a walkie-talkie)

Toad: I don't understand.

Luigi: Oh don't worry Toad. You will.

_Sometime later_

Toadette: (writing in her diary) Dear Diary, the Toad Tracker seems to be disfunctioning again. Poor Toad's probably worried why I haven't hugged him since I last saw him 8 hours ago. I bet he was abducted by aliens, like he was 3 months ago when I asked him why he didn't return my calls for 2 hours! I mean, what other explanation could there be! (hears the door bell ring) Hold on Diary. (walks to her door and answers it to see no one there)

Luigi's hand: (pushes Toad into Toadette's view)

Toad: (wearing a tie and holding a bouquet of flowers) Uhh... these are for y-

Toadette: _Gasp _Ohmygosh, are you asking me out??

Toad: (looks at Luigi with a scared face)

Luigi: (staying out of Toadette's view) (gives Toad's a slight nod and a thumbs up)

Toad: (hesitant and fearful) ...yes?

Toadette: (squeals with joy) (gets on her knees) Thank you lord, now if you could just get working on that diamond pooping unicorn I also prayed for.

Toad: Yeah, so if you just meet me at the local Mushroombee's at 8 for a date.

Toadette: (giggles) Okay then! (closes the door) ...OhmygoshDiaryguesswhathappened! _Squeals_

Toad: I hope you know what you're doing Luigi!

Luigi: Toad, please, this plan in foolproof. But why don't you just come out and tell her you aren't interested?

Toad: You don't think I haven't?

Flashback: Shows Toad at the coconut mall

Toad: (sips from his espresso, and lets out a satisfied "aaah...")

Toadette: Hey you!

Toad: (Eyes widen as Toadette approaches) Toadette?? What are you doing here!?

Toadette: No I didn't stow away in the trunk of your car! Er, I mean, "nothing". By the way, I made a gift for you! (places a glazed piece of pottery of Toad's head carved into a heart) I glazed it with the blood I loss from cutting myself while making a lifesize cardboard cut-out of you.

Toad: Listen Toadette, I don't think it's going to work between us.

Toadette: ...WHY DO YOU DOUBT MY LOVE?? (starts screaming and balling)

Everyone in the mall: (turns their attention towards an embarrassed Toad)

Toad: Toadette, please calm down. I just-

Toadette: Broke my heart into a millions of tiny itty-bitty pieces?? You uncaring and insensitive clod! (smashes Toad's gift) Now you can feel my pain! (runs off crying as "How am I suppose to live without you" by Michael Bolton plays in the background)

Toad: ...(takes another sip of espresso)

End flashback

Luigi: Then what happened?

Toad: I found her crying in the trunk of my car again 3 days later! She wouldn't let me put my groceries in it until I said I secretly had feeling for her.

Luigi: You have secret feelings for her?

Toad: NO! My ice cream was melting fast and I needed to get her out of there by any means necessary.

Luigi: Right. Well don't worry, after tonight you won't need to worry about her again. But first, we need a change of clothes.

Toad: What's wrong with this tux?

Luigi: It's just not right for this date, might I suggest-

_8pm at the local MushroomBee's_

Toad: (sitting at a table wearing dirty suspenders, flannel, and socks with sandals.) Hello Toadette.

Toadette: Hey Toa- (notices his apparel) ...

Toad: What? Is something wrong with my outfit?

Toadette: No, I'm just surprised to see you keep up with the latest European fashion trends! (takes her seat)

Toad: What?

Toadette: Yeah, fashion's going through this avant-garde phase. I'm so lucky to be dating a man so fashionable. Thanks for taking me out!

Toad: No problem (stretches his arms upwards, revealing grotesque armpit hair) MMMMmmmmmm...

Toadette: Ooh, I like a man with a little hair on his chest.

Toad: Oh, I don't have chest hair. Just armpit hair, which I use to dust my home with by the way.

Toadette: Wow, you must save a bunch on feather dusters! Maybe I ought to do that.

Toad: ...Did I mention I like to braid my nose hair?

Toadette: You know how to braid hair? Wow, you know how to do so many things.

Toad: ...(knocks a spoon off the table) oops. Lemme get that. (hides under the table and pulls out his walkie-talkie) Luigi! This is Toad! Come in Luigi.

Walkie-talkie: I don't know anyone named Toad. And who's Luigi?

Toad: _Sighs _"Captain Green", this is "Desperate Tuna". Come in "Captain Green".

Walkie-Talkie: This is Captain Green, what seems to be the problem Desperate Tuna?

Toad: It's not working! If anything she's becoming more attracted to me!

Walkie-Talkie: What?? How is that possible?

Toad: As if I know! What else do you do that makes a woman avoid you like the plague?

Walkie-Talkie: Sometimes I pick my nose in public. Let's see her put a positive spin on that!

Toad: (comes back to his seat with spoon in hand) I got it!

Toadette: (with arms crossed and her brow furrowed, gives Toad a cold, icy stare)

Toad: ...What?

Toadette: Who were you talking to down there? Probably your other girlfriend! (starts looking under the table

Toad: What??

Toadette: Like you two weren't playing kissy-kissy a second ago! Where is she? (looks towards the table next to them) Is it her?

Toad: No! I just went to get my spoon is all.

Toadette: Why does it take 43 seconds to get a spoon?

Toad: ... (starts picking his nose)

Waiter: Hi guys! Ready to take make your order?

Toadette: Certainly. I'll have the cheater- I mean, Caesar salad.

Toad: (remembering Luigi's advice to be as horrible of a date he could be) I'll have the sautéed onions with garlic seasoning please.

Waiter: Right away sir.

Toadette: Toad, stop trying to pick your nose! You don't have one.

Toad: (twisting his finger in the spot on his face where a nose would be) Yes I do!

Toadette: Toad, I'm starting to thi-

Luigi: (clutching his loudly gurgling stomach) WHERE'S THE BATHROOM!?

Nearby Employee: We don't have a bathroom.

Luigi: How can you guys serve those pies WITHOUT A BATHROOM? (scrunches his face in pain as his stomach gives at another gurgle)

Employee: Your free to use the gas station's bathroom down the road.

Luigi: (dashes out the restaurant in frustration and panic)

Toad: (panics now that he is without the aid of Luigi. How long could he turn off the charm?)

Toadette: (stares lustfully into space)

Toad: Uhh... Toadette?

Toadette: (answers in a dreamy tone) Yes?

Toad: Our food's here.

Toadette: What? Oh, yeah. I was just thinking about something else. (starts forking her caesar salad)

Toad: By the way, did I tell about my latest project? I'm collecting my earwax to make a candle out of.

Toadette: (not looking up from her salad) That sounds good.

Toad: Is something **wrong**? (expels his onion rancid breath as far as he can in Toadette's direction on the word "wrong".)

Toadette: No, no. Everything's fine... Do you smell something?

Toad: Oh, you must mean my "Man Stench" Cologne. Purified sweat from only the manliest pits of the manliest men, mixed with a hint of lavender.

Toadette: Whatever. (pushes the caesar salad away) I guess I'm just not hungry right now.

Toad: (glad to push the rancid stench of onion away from him) ditto. (puts a 20 on table and leaves with Toadette)

_The next day at Luigi's house._

Toad: I'm not sure if it's working Luigi!

Luigi: Wait, tell me what happened again.

Toad: She wasn't crazily obsessive last night like she always is! Even when we got home she made absolutely no attempt to kiss me, or even a hug. She just said "goodnight" and went inside before I even said a word to her.

Luigi: Maybe she just had something on her mind. A lot can happen between the time you asked her out and when you guys went on her date. Maybe a family member died, or she left her hair dryer on.

Toad: Whatever it was, it was just weird not having her acting like a freak.

Luigi: Isn't that what you want? You're starting to confuse me Toad. (hears the doorbell ring) Hold on. (opens the door to see Toadette)

Toadette: I know your hiding under the coffee table Toad.

Voice from under the coffee table: Dang it!

Toadette: Listen Toad. I'm glad you asked me out for a date last night, and I did have a good time, but, I think we should stop seeing each other.

Toad: ... (pinches himself to see if he's dreaming)

Toadette: Yeah, I know this is like a nightmare for you, but the thing is, I've found another.

Toad: Another?

Toadette: Please don't make this hard for the both of us Toad, just learn to let go. Goodbye. (closes the door as she leaves)

Toad: ... (jumps and shrieks with joy) Yes! Yeah, yeah, YEAH! WaHOOOO! Yesssssssssssssssss! Boo-yeah! Oh man! (runs over to Luigi and starts shaking his hand) Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! (runs out of the house screaming his head off) FREEDOM!!

Luigi: (starts smirking to himself) A job well done if I do say so myself. "Dr. Luigi; relationships consultant". I like the sound of that. Maybe- (doorbell rings). Darn it, only when I'm monologuing. (opens the door) Hello-

Toadette in a red dress: (leaning against the side of the doorway) Well hello there studly (winks)

Luigi: ... (slams the door in her face) ... (opens the door again, this time with a fake mustache attached to his real mustache) (heavy accent) 'ello. Lu-eegee iz noht here-a-right now.

Toadette: ...(rips off the fake mustache) There, now there's nothing blocking your hunkiness. _Sighs_.

Luigi: (realizing he was the one Toadette was talking about) Listen, I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now, maybe-

Toadette: EWWW! I'm not talking about you! I'm talking about... (stares dreamily at Luigi's upper lip) him.

Luigi: (looks down to see what she's staring at) ...Your in love with Bob?

Toadette: Who wouldn't be! I still remember the first time his handsomeness graces my sight.

Flashback: (shows Toad and Toadette ordering from the MushroomBee's menu)

Toadette: Certainly. I'll have the cheater- I mean, Caesar salad.

Toad: I'll have the sautéed onions, with garlic seasoning.

Waiter: Right away sir.

Toadette: (prepares to give toad the iciest death glare ever given, but is caught off guard by his finger trying to bore into his skull) ...Toad, stop trying to pick your nose! You don't have one.

Toad: Yes I do!

Toadette: Toad, I'm starting to thi- (gets distracted by something)

_and there Bob was, flowing in the wind caused by Luigi's panicked scurrying. Toadette's eyes widened as everything began to move in slow-motion. All except Luigi's mustache became a blur, and as it's groomed follicles sparkled when it caught the light just right, Toadette melted on the inside._

Luigi: You don't think it's creepy in the slightest to be in love with someone's else's mustache? I mean, it's okay to love your own mustache (quickly strikes a pose to himself in a hand held mirror), but another man's mustache? I dunno.

Toadette: Well it's not for you to decide is it? What does Bob think?

Bob: (jerks up and down in a nodding fashion)

Luigi: Bob!

Toadette: It's a date then. See ya tomorrow around noon?

Bob: (forms the tips of himself into a thumbs-up)

Toadette: (walks off, closing the front door behind her)

Luigi: ...What just happened?

Mario who was watching from the stairway: (starts laughing at Luigi, feebly making his way towards the bathroom, weak from laughter.)

_the next day_

Luigi: (knocks on Parakarry's door)

Parakarry: (muffled behind the door) Darn it, only when I'm monologuing! (opens the door) Who is it?

Oh hey Luigi, I was- Whoa! What happened to you?

Luigi: The worst date ever!

Parakarry: No way, you got a date??

Luigi: No, my mustache did.

Parakarry: ...Your mustache?

Luigi: Long story short, I'm being followed by the most insane woman in the mushroom kingdom, and I need to hide here.

Parakarry: Sure, take a seat. But first, I want to hear about your date. I could use a laugh right now.

Luigi: (plops onto a nearby chair) Well first it starts off with us picking her up...

flashback: (shows Luigi pulling up in his repaired car)

Luigi: I can't believe you're making me wear this! (looks down at his chauffeur outfit)

Toadette: (hops into the the passenger seat) Hey you! (strokes Luigi's mustache)

Luigi: (shudders as chills go down his spine) ...Where to ma'am?

Toadette: I believe we decided to go to the park.

Luigi: The park it is then. (drives towards the park)

Montage: (plays Big Kid's "When I met the girl" as it shows clips of Luigi's day at the park)

_clip #1_

Luigi: (turns around from an ice cream vendor with one vanilla ice cream cone in each hand, and a surly look on his face)

Toadette: (takes the cone from Luigi's hand and starts licking it)

Luigi: (holds up the other cone to his mustache) ...(tries to sneak a lick from it)

Bob: (smacks Luigi across his left cheek)

Luigi: (rubs his left cheek in shock as his mustache continues with his ice cream cone)

_clip #2_

Toadette, Luigi, and Bob: (walking down a path along the park lake)

Toadette: (almost walks into a puddle before Bob manages to stop her)

Bob: (grabs Luigi's shirt and rips it off, then places it over the puddle)

Toadette: (walks past a bare-chested Luigi and over the puddle with a smile on her face)

Luigi: (slowly puts his soaking shirt back on)

_clip #3_

Toadette: (spins around in a field of flowers in a clichéd shot that positions the camera between her outstretched arms and focuses on her face as a blur of tulips whizzes past her)

Luigi in the same clichéd shot: (screams as Toadette pulls on his mustache as they spin around)

End Flashback

Parakarry: Wow, sounds like you could use a little break.

Luigi: Yeah, why do you ask?

Parakarry: I finished my massage chair, you wanna try it out? (motions towards the leather chair in the corner)

Luigi: Yeah! (walks over to the chair, and slowly relaxes into it) Mmm, nice material. How do you turn it on?

Parakarry: (drops a food pellet into the slot on top of it)

Chair: (starts shaking around as furious squeaking is heard from inside)

Luigi: (eyes widen, but before he can lecture Parakarry, slowly closes his eyes and leans back) OoOoOoOh, YeAaAaAaAh...

Toad: (walks in) Parakarry, here's that pizza you ordered. Oh, hey Luigi!

Luigi: WaZzUp ToAd?

Toad: I should be asking you that, what were you doing with Toadette today?

Luigi: ...Uhh, you remember when she said she found another? (points to his mustache)

Toad: No way! She's attracted to **you** now?

Luigi: No, my mustache.

Toad: ...She left me for a mustache?

Luigi: Uh, the most handsome mustache in the world, thank you very much.

Parakarry: (mouth full of pizza) Regardless, it's still a bit insulting to be dumped for a clump of hair.

Toad: Yeah... it's weird. I certainly don't miss her, but it just feels strange not to have her to ambush me or follow me around anymore even though I'm expecting her to jump out at any moment.

Parakarry: Blah blah blah blah blah! You two are so whiny! (takes another bite out of his pizza) Hey! I specifically ordered the supreme without red peppers! And you call this bread crazy? It's hardly psychotic! You'll be lucky if I order from you people again! (throws the box across the room)

Toad: ...Okay then. Well, I guess I'll see you around. (walks out of the front door)

Luigi: At least Toad's happy. But we wouldn't be in this situation if you didn't switch the pies you horrible little prankster! (glares angrily at his traitorous mustache)

Parakarry: Did he do the ol' "slip laxatives in your food when you weren't looking" gag? Classic!

Toadette: You got to love his sense of humor!

Parakarry and Luigi: Aaaah!

Parakarry: How'd you get into my house!?

Toadette: I've been trained with Swiss Alp Bloodhounds to use my nose's sensory capabilities to track down the scent of anything with an odor, and follow it's trail up to a week ago. I managed to swipe a few of Bob's hairs while we were spinning in the tulips.

Luigi: You are SERIOUSLY creeping me out!

Toadette: Why? I just came to give Bob a present. (holds up a miniature T-shirt with Toadette's face in a heart, with frilly text above it saying, "My Huggly Snuggly Bear.") (needles the ends of Luigi's mustache through the arm-holes.)

Luigi: Don't you think it's going to be strange for Bob to be wearing this?

Toadette: Not if I'm wearing it too! (rips off her dress to reveal her own version of the T-shirt, featuring a blown-up picture of Bob in the heart's center)

Parakarry and Luigi: (stares in awkward silence)

Toadette: Well, I'm off to the dry cleaners. (sniffs a nametag, then drops down to all fours, sniffing the ground as she crawls out the door)

Parakarry: Dude, you look so dorky with that thing!

Luigi: Yeah, maybe I should just-

Bob: (Growls fiercely as Luigi's hand approaches his custom shirt)

Parakarry: ...Uh, did I say "dorky"? I meant to say "awesome"!

Luigi: Yeah, it looks tight dog!

Parakarry: (holding a cell phone to his ear) How many time do you have to learn this lesson? ...Hey Mikey... Yeah, he's trying to be street again. How fast can you get over here?

Buff Koopa from 2 chapters ago: (busts through the front door with a showercap on and a cell phone in his hand)

Parakarry: Ooh, nice response time!

Mikey: (looks towards Luigi) I hope you know I had to skip a bubble bath for this! (pounds his fist into his palm as he slowly approaches the cowering plumber)

_The next day_

Announcer: Welcome one and all to the semi-finals of the Mushroom Kingdom Baseball league! Today's all-star face off: The Mario Fireballs Vs. The Wario Garlics.

Toadette: (taking her seat next to Luigi) Hey Luigi, didn't you try out for the team?

Luigi: Yes...

Flashback: Shows Luigi in the tryouts

Toad: (reading from a clipboard) Goomba; shortstop! Parakarry: 3rd Baseman! Luigi: Centerfeild! You know your positions, and we'll be switching people's positions throughout the day so we get an idea of your strengths and weaknesses. Now move, move, MOVE!

Everyone: (scrambles for their position)

Luigi: Aw yeah, time to show off my diving catch. Hit it on out here!

Toad: First to bat; Noki.

Noki: (Feebly lifts the bat)

Boo: (throws an easy strike, and another, then another. In fact, this would continue on for such a long time, Luigi found his time to be better spent on something else)

Luigi: (lying on the ground, watching a ladybug scamper across the Astroturf) Hey there ladybug. Are you lonely? I'll be your friend if you want little ladybug. Do you want to be friends?

Ladybug: (flies skyward and lands on Luigi's nose)

Luigi: I'll take that as a yes! Now what to name you... Ooh ooh! How about "Spot"? Do you like that name ladybug?

Baseball: (crushes the ladybug as it smack square in Luigi's face)

Luigi: (flops onto the ground unconscious as Toad yells "Nice catch Luigi" from the background)

_one binding of Luigi's broken nose later_

Luigi: (on the pitcher's mound) Please, **please**, give me a bad batter so I look like a good pitcher.

Toad: Next up to bat; Goomba!

Goomba: (bat in his mouth, waddles up to home plate)

Luigi: Thank you.

Toad: Whenever you're ready Luigi.

Luigi: (winds up his pitch, and puts all of his energy into his arm as he releases the baseball, putting his entire body in a forward lunge gaining every last drop of momentum he could squeeze from his movement, and watched as his fastest of fastballs hit the ground a good 5 feet in front of the batter)

Toad: ... Do you want another try?

Luigi: (takes another ball from the bin, and squints intensely at the catcher's mitt)

Goomba: (gives Luigi a coy smirk)

_and that was all he needed_

Luigi: (uses his intense hate of goombas and better sportsmen combined to launch the adrenaline induced projectile from his swinging hand, and hits his target head on with a deep impact)

Target: (drops the bat as he screams bloody murder after being pelted in the eye by Luigi's fastball)

Umpire: Take your base.

_In the final position of the day_

Parakarry: INCOMING! (launches the baseball from deep center field to the 3rd baseman at a blistering pace)

Luigi: (lifts his glove to his chest, awaiting the ball to come to him)

Baseball: (whizzes past Luigi into the dugout, missing him by 14 inches)

Luigi: Hey! My glove is here! (points to his glove)

Parakarry: Dude! Go get the ball, he's going for home!

Luigi: Relax, I have a plan of action. (watches as Goomba touches 3rd and turns towards home plate)

Goomba: I'm gonna make it!

Luigi: (shoves him to the ground before Goomba can manage 2 steps towards home, then runs for the ball)

Goomba: (Lands with the sound of bones snapping) AAAAH! I THINK YOU BROKE MY LEG!

Luigi: ( grabs the ball and runs towards the Goomba desperately trying to crawl his way to a home run) Oh no you don't!

Goomba: (continue his spastic struggle for home plate, and chances a glance towards the oncoming plumber)

Luigi: OUT! (touches him with the ball just as he turns his head, making Luigi accidentally shove the baseball into his good eye) oops.

Goomba: (squirms on the ground in agony) AAAH!!

Luigi: My bad.

_The end of the tryouts_

Toad: You all had a great showing out there! But with ten of you guys trying out, I'm afraid one of you isn't going to be playing with us this season. (walks down the line of hopefuls) Playing... Playing... Playing...

Luigi: (turns towards the heavily injured Goomba) Tough break buddy.

Toad: (approaches Luigi) Not playing... (walks past Goomba) Playing. Congratulations, now everyone hit the showers.

Luigi: WAIT A MINUTE!! How come I'm not playing?

Toad: It was actually a very tight race between you and the blind Goomba in crutches with no arms, but we thought that from a political stand-point that it wouldn't be wise to include you in the team, since viewers would believe you just got a free ticket in since your brothers with the captain. Also, you're a horrible team player.

Goomba: In your face plumber! (struts out of the dugout, only to smack face-first into the concrete wall) ...can someone guide me to my car, I'm kinda blind right now.

End Flashback

Luigi: No one ever saw him after he drove out of the parking lot.

Toadette: Shouldn't you be playing then?

Luigi: I was, until they figured out that a cardboard cut-out of me is just as good as the real thing, except that the cut-out doesn't expect pay.

Toad: (takes the aisle seat next to Toadette)

Luigi: Hey Toad.

Toad: Hey Lu- (pauses with the realization that within those 3 seats was Toadette's current boyfriend and her ex, with the boyfriend being attached to a friend of the ex)

Luigi: ...Awkward.

Toad: You guys on another date?

Toadette: Yes we are. What are you doing here?

Toad: A buddy of mine couldn't make it to the game, so he gave it to me.

Luigi: Lucky! I had to pay 80 bucks for these seats!

Announcer: The score is 4-5 as we enter the 4th inning. The Mario Fireballs are hoping to break even as their star batter Parakarry takes the plate.

Wario: HA! The best they can scrounge for a batter is a winged mailman? Don't make me laugh!

Parakarry: Don't worry, I'm planning on making you cry when I hit it out of the park.

Toad: I hope he hits it over here!

Toadette: Me too! It's always been a dream of mine to have an autographed home-run ball.

Luigi: I dream about catching cookies in my mouth as they fall from the sky.

Everyone within earshot: (Blankly look at Luigi's last comment)...

Luigi: Like you don't have dreams of falling cookies.

Announcer: Here's the windup...

Wario: (throws a fastball)

Parakarry: (Smacks it with all of his force)

Announcer: Parakarry smacks it on the first pitch! And look at that sucker fly! It just might make it to the stands!

Toad: (readies his glove in excitement his childhood dream might become reality)

Announcer: The fans are bringing out the gloves, which one will get it?

Toad: (lunges into the aisle to catch the ball, taking down the peanuts vendor in the process)

Announcer: It's a homer! And the vendor goes down!

Wario: (throws his hat on the ground in frustration as Parakarry rounds 3rd)

Toad: (gets up woozily as he comes to) Did I get it? (looks into his glove and jumps with joy) YES! YES! I got it! (holds the ball up in the air in triumph)

Toadette: Congratulations Toad.

Luigi: Congrats. Hey, uh, could you snag me some nuts before the vendor gets back up?

Toad and Toadette: (look at Luigi incredulously)

Luigi: ...Dude, it's 80 bucks a seat!

Toad: (understandingly tosses a Luigi a bag of honey roasted delights)

Toadette: None for me thanks, I'm watching my weight.

Toad: Why, you're already pretty.

Toadette: (giggles)

Bob: (growls menacingly at Toad)

Luigi: (mouth full of honey roasted goodness) You better watch it Toad. Bob could really mess with you if he has the motivation.

Toadette: You're so cute when your jealous. (brushes Bob's whiskers)

Luigi: (Nearly chokes on a peanut)

_Luigi watched as pitches were thrown and batters ran bases. Then more pitches and more runs. Then more pitching and more running. Luigi didn't notice he had dozed off until Toadette shook him awake._

Toadette: Hey Luigi, can you sleep upright? Bob can't see the game.

Luigi: Hu-wha? (looks towards the scoreboard) It's already the ninth inning?

Announcer: It's 7-10 with the Wario Garlic's leading. One man on 2nd, 2 outs, and a lot of pressure on the next batter who will be... Cardboard Cut-out!

_In unison the fans of the Mario fireballs threw a voilent tantrum as the game's fate rested within the non-existent hands of a cardboard cut-out. "If only we had a cut-out of Petey Piranha" was the screams of the shrieking baseball goers. Luigi instead laid back with a smirk on his face. Now they would know their mistake of not letting him play._

Wario: Pfft. (tosses a ball over the plate)

Umpire: Strike! (boos came from the stadium)

Wario: (not bothering to look, tosses the ball)

Umpire: Ball 1!

Wario: Whoops. Better not do that. (pitches a perfect fastball.) Much better.

Umpire: Strike 2!

Wario: Now for the big finale (takes a few steps back, winds his arm wildly, and showboats his way to the final pitch, pitching it harder than ever before)

Cut-out: (gets hit in the face by Wario's pitch and shatters into pieces from the neck-up) ... (utter silence from the crowd)

Umpire: ... Take your base!

Stadium: (erupts with excitement and the bat boy drags the decapitated cut-out to first base)

Luigi: Yikes.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen it's not over yet! Lady luck is smiling down on the Mario Fireballs as Parakarry takes the base!

Wario: (squints his eyes intensely as Parakarry takes the plate with a confident smile on his face)

Parakarry: Which hurts more? That you just threw the game for your team, or that you did it while losing to a piece of cardboard?

Wario: (tightens his grip on the ball)

Mario fireball fans: (chanting) Parakarry delivers the heat! Parakarry delivers the heat!

Wario: (throws the first strike)

Umpire: Strike 1!

Wario: (puts a little more oomph into his 2nd pitch)

Parakarry: (smacks it hard and dashes for the first base)

Luigi: It's coming to me! It's coming to me! (snatches Toad's glove, and raises it high into the air)

Baseball: (hits Luigi in the forehead, knocking him out before it bounces back into the field.)

Parakarry: (reaches first and snatches the cut-out)

Boo: (reaches the ball as Parakarry reaches 2nd)

Parakarry: (places the cut-out onto the bag before him, so that Parakarry doesn't pass the cut-out and makes the run disqualified.)

Boo: (rockets the ball towards 3rd base as Parakarry approaches the bag)

Parakarry: (after touching the cut-out onto the 3rd mat, sprints for home plate. In an effort to gain speed, he throws the cardboard like a frisbee towards home. The cardboard lands over the plate as the umpire calls his second "safe". With the score 9 to 10, Parakarry sprints for the plate hoping to give his team a chance for victory. The Baseball reached the 3rd baseman as Parakarry slammed his foot in front of the umpire.)

_Mario and his team rose as one as they cheered for Parakarry. The audience was ablaze with excitement as shouts and roars flooded the stadium. Wario sluggishly walked over to the proud star-player for what everyone knew would be a congratulatory handshake. But instead, he touched Parakarry in the chest with a baseball._

Umpire: Out!

_All except Wario froze in shock. All eyes turned towards the giant screen replaying the shot of Parakarry landing on the Luigi cut-out covering home plate._

Announcer: Ooh!Parakarry failed to touch home plate, so he was still vulnerable to getting out. And with the final score of Mario Fireballs: 9 and Wario Garlics: 10, the Wario Garlics have won the game!

Parakarry: (stands with his mouth agape as a smaller crowd in the audience cheered and yelled)

Wario: Which hurts more? Throwing the game for your team, or that you lost to a guy who lost to a piece of cardboard? (he gave a wicked smirk to Parakarry as his team lifted him into the air, an effort that sapped them of their energy quickly)

_Later in the parking lot_

Luigi: I hope Mario stops crying soon, 'cause I already have plenty of tear stains in the pillows.

Toadette: At least me and Bob had a good time!

Toad: Guys! Wait up!

Luigi: Hey Toad, what's up!

Toad: I wanted to give Toadette something. (hands her the home-run ball)

Toadette: Toad, this is your ball. You should keep it.

Toad: But I want you to have it. Look, I got your favorite team to sign it and everything.

Toadette: (eyes widen as she looks at the autographs of her favorite players) Toad, I don't know what to say.

Toad: Well I already got my dream of catching it, and since you wanted that ball I just figured why not.

Toadette: Thank you Toad! (almost fails to stop herself from hugging him)

Toad: No problem. Well, I better get going.

Toadette: Yeah, me too. (walks towards Luigi's car.)

Luigi: (noticing the ball) What's that?

Toadette: It's the ball Toad caught today. Wasn't it sweet of him to give it to me?

Luigi: I guess. (climbs into the car) You ready to go?

Toadette: Yep. (gets into the passenger seat)

Luigi: (as he checks his mirrors, he sees his reflection. And Bob had lipstick marks all over him.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (passes out)

Toadette: Uh... Luigi?

_The next morning_

Parakarry: MAIL CALL!

Luigi: (stirs awake on his couch) What the?

Parakarry: (walking in) Hey Luigi, glad to see you made it home okay.

Luigi: How did I get home?

Parakarry:Toadette had to drive you. I see Bob had a good time at the games last night.

Luigi: Please don't remind me. (plops onto the couch and hears a crinkling sound)

Parakarry: What was that?

Luigi: (pulls out a piece of parchment, and reads it over.)

Parakarry: So what is it?

Luigi: ...(eyes bug out as he reaches the last line) Hold on, I need to talk face to face with someone. (walks into the bathroom.)

Parakarry: ...(sneaks to the bathroom door to listen to Luigi talk face to face with his mustache in the bathroom mirror)

Luigi: You can't do this to me! ...No! It's far to early and it's too much! ...Are you really willing to throw both of our lives away for this? For HER? ...Okay, you can make the point I don't have a life to throw away, but you still have promise, you still have a future! ... Bob, it could be the worst mistake of your life. ...If you really think you can go through with this I won't stop you, but I'm not going for the ride, so it's time to make a choice because you can't have both. It's either me or this! ...Is that so? Fine, but don't come crawling back to me when it blows up in your face you ungrateful ball of hair! (storms out of the bathroom). I can't believe he's going to do this! (walks out of the front door)

Parakarry: What. What is he going to do? ... Oh no. Could he mean...?

_At the park fountain_

Toadette: You know, this is my favorite part of the park?

Luigi: Bob knew that, and he thought it would the perfect place for this.

Toadette: ...For what?

Luigi: (reading from the parchment he found that morning) "Toadette, these last few days you have given have been the some of the best of my life. It is no question in my mind that we are a great couple, and we could look forward to a great future together. And so I've made up my mind." (gets down on his knee) Toadette, will you marry me?"

Toadette: (covering her mouth) _Gasp_ Bob, I... I-I don't know what to-

Toad: NOOOO!!

Toadette and Luigi: (turn to see Toad breaking away from his bird-watching group and racing for them)

Toadette: Toad?!

Toad: DON'T DO IT!! (shoves Luigi into the fountain)

Luigi: AAH! (splashes into the water)

Toad: Toadette, you can't marry him!

Toadette: Why not?

Toad: B-because it would crush me if you did. Toadette, these last few days have been torturous for me. Ever since you stopped following me, I've had this void, this feeling of emptiness that couldn't be filled. Nothing made me happy anymore, life became dull and everything never seemed the same. The only time the world felt right was whenever I saw you. And last night, at the ball game, I wished all my hardest Parakarry made it to the base so I could spend just a little more time with you in the overtime. Getting that ball last night felt great, but only because you were there with me. It was easy for me to trade that ball for just a few more seconds with you. I would've traded the entire stadium, the entire existence of any sport just to spend another minute with you. To have someone just waltz in and take you away from me would be the most horrible thing I could ever fathom. Give me another chance Toadette, please.

Toadette: ...Of course I'll give you another chance! (hugs an overjoyed Toad)

Luigi: (breaks the surface of the water sputtering) Man! That water pump is strong! (looks at the hugging couple) Hey! What's going on??

Toadette: Sorry Bob, but I'm just not ready for such a serious relationship yet, and I think I still love Toad.

Toad: You do??

Toadette: Of course I do. (pecks him on the cheek)

Luigi: (almost chokes on the sweetness of the moment)

Toad: You wanna go for some ice cream?

Toadette: Sure. (leaves with Toad hand in hand)

_At Luigi's house_

Luigi: Sorry about the proposal buddy, but I told you it was a stupid idea!

Parakarry: (bursts through the door) Dude, Toadette paid us in full. (hands Bob a fat wad of 100 dollar bills)

Luigi: Paid in full for what?

Parakarry: We hooked her up with Toad.

Luigi: ...Wait, what?

Parakarry: Actually it was all Bob's plan, he just needed a wing man. Want me to explain partner?

Bob: (jerks up and down)

Parakarry: Well it started a week in advance. First, I had to spread word around about your lack of skill with the ladies.

Flash back: (shows Parakarry on Toad's porch)

Monday: Man, Luigi's just been swinging and missing lately.

Tuesday: His only girlfriend got rid of him by day 3.

Wednesday: Maybe it's because he picks his nose in public.

End Flashback.

Parakarry: Then we just told Toadette to chase him to your house. I checked in with that massage chair question, and I'm glad he was there, since I didn't have anything else prepared. Bob knew you'd go for the walkie-talkie idea, so we devised the return of the pie plan, so Toadette could pretend to meet Bob for the first time. Once she was dating bob, we just had to watch Toad's reaction. This would determine whether if they were right for each other, otherwise it would be a lost cause. We knew Toad met with his birdwatchers every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so trips to the park were an easy way to test his reaction.

Luigi: How did you guys get him at the baseball game?

Parakarry: Remember when I called my friend Michael? Well we discussed him giving Toad his ticket to the game, which he was willing to do since we hooked him up with his now girlfriend. It was up to Bob to get the seats next to Toad.

Luigi: Wow. But how'd you know it'd be safe to go with that risky final step?

Parakarry: We could tell with our test at the ball game. We had Toadette mention her "dream" to Toad beforehand. Then when he immediately came to the dugout we knew.

Luigi: Was Wario in on this, 'cause you got it over to us easy.

Parakarry: Nah, he's just a bad pitcher. Can't believe he beat me!

Luigi: Wow, you guys really had this planned from the beginning! ...Wait! Why did you let me suffer through that instead of telling me what was up??

Parakarry: You're a horrible actor, and we could use a few laughs. Besides, you would've just slowed us down. We're professionals after all.

Luigi: How long have you two been at this?

Parakarry: You and Daisy were our first case. We're counting it as a success since we got you two together in the first place.

Luigi: I suppose. Wait, I didn't ask you guys to do that. That means- (gets shot with a tranquilizer)

Bob: (looks at Parakarry who was holding a tranquilizer gun)

Parakarry: He knew too much... You wanna do the memory swipe this time?

* * *

**I received many fans of Bob the mustache, so I thought I'd show another side to the ball of whiskers. And here's a teaser for the next chapter.**

**"LOL! i luve this fic its halarious! i also have an idea 4 a chapter! what if luigi was convinced that he was umm..wats the word im looking for..oh yes! kinda a weakling and decided to try out a gym? and instead of it helping him, it puts him into a world of hurt!"  
**  
**-Danniella141516**

**I'll do my best Danniella141516. Got an idea? Leave a reveiw and sneak it in there.**


	13. Green shorts

****

I technically got this out on Monday, albeit very late monday night. So this is the reveiwer request chapter from Daniella141516

**"what if luigi was convinced that he was umm..wats the word im looking for..oh yes! kinda a weakling and decided to try out a gym? and instead of it helping him, it puts him into a world of hurt!****"**

**So here it is. In all honesty, I didn't think it would be very long; how stupid of me to underestimate my need to satifsy the reader. This is in fact my longest chapter yet. So here it is; Luigi thrown into the sadistic world of excercise.**

* * *

Sunny Hail: ...With ridiculously happy clouds through the weekend. Back to you Janet!

Janet Wallens: Thanks Sunny. In other news, reports of invisible meerkat attacks continue to plague the mushroom kingdom. Since the zoo exhibit of said meerkats had been broken into by an unidentified plumber, numerous- AAAAH! (falls to the ground in screaming terror) SOMEBODY GET THEM OFF ME!! (Meerkats screeches were heard as the camera fell off of it's tripod)

Luigi: (turns off the TV) Don't need a reminder of that.

Mario: (bursts through the door covered in sweatbands and sweat stains) _Pant... Pant... Wheeze..._

Luigi: What have you been doing?

Mario: (with his "dying breath", hands Luigi a flier on the way through his fainting spell)

Flier: "First Annual Macho-man regional competition. Grand prize, 9,999 coins, a cover shot on "Fungi Cap" Magazine, and the title of most Macho man in all of existence."

Luigi: First Annual? Does that mean they did that last year, or this is the first ever competition of what is planned to be annual.

Parakarry: (crawling on his knees into the house) Nobody knows dude... (collapses)

Mac: (struts in with lifting weights in each hand, not a bead of sweat visible on his brow) Come on ladies, we still have the other half of the training to do! 30 mile swim to rogue port and back, let's move!

Parakarry: I can't breathe!!

Mac: Hey, did you hire me to train you for competition or to watch you wheeze helplessly?

Luigi: Hey Mac, do you think you could train me?

Mac: ... Listen, I don't know how to decline your request without the words, "lost cause", so I'm just going to ignore the question entirely.

Luigi: (leaping from the couch) What?? How could I be a "lost cause"? I could twice as much as Mr. "Doodlecakes for breakfast" over here!

Mac: Fine, we'll see if you're worth my time. (hands him some bubble wrap) This is your test. Pop 3 bubbles and I'll train you.

Luigi: (taking the package protection item from Mac) **It's on!!** (begins squeezing a bubble between the index fingers and thumbs of both hands) Eerrrrrrrrr... Hold on, that one was a dud. (selects another bubble) Eerrrrrrrrrrrrr... (exhales in exhaustion) What the heck?

Mac: (shakes his head slowly in disappointment) Tsk tsk. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you wimpy. Maybe next time. (drags Mario and Parakarry through the front door) Come on you two, we better get swimming before the sharks get hungry.

Parakarry and Mario: (sob loudly as Mac drags them towards the docks)

Luigi: (looks down at the bubble wrap) ...Am I weak?

Dexter: (through the window) Yeah, pretty much.

Luigi: Dexter?? How long have you been watching?

Dexter: About a minute or so. I just decided to poke my head in while I was taking out the trash. Why do you care if you're weak?

Luigi: There's this Macho-man contest I want to compete in and-

Dexter: Dude, no exaggeration. You will die before the first elimination round if you enter that contest.

Luigi: Well that's why I want Mac to train me! I need to get buff by Saturday so that way I'll have the title of "Most Macho Man in Existence".

Dexter: Why don't you go to a gym then?

Luigi: A gym? What is this "gym" you speak of?

Dexter: ... A place to work out. You know, get muscle tone.

Luigi: NO WAY! They have those?

Dexter: Sure, right next to Tayce T.'s restaurant on 3rd street.

Luigi: Cool. Heh, we'll see who the "lost cause" is when I rub Mac's big, fat nose in my cover shot of Fungi Magazine! (heads off for the gym)

Dexter: Actually I'm not so sure-

Luigi: (slams the door, signifying his ignorance of whatever Dexter had to say)

Dexter: ... I'll tell him when he gets back.

_Later_

Luigi: (walks up to "Big Jim's Gym") This must be the place! Now to prepare myself for what will be the biggest upset in macho-man history. (walks through the front door)

Obese Toad behind the counter: (Not looking up from his comic-book) Welcome to Big Jim's, how may we help you?

Luigi: I'd like to use your advanced methods of muscle building to compete in a macho man contest.

Obese Toad: Who doesn't? Feel free to use whatever and we'll charge you later.

Luigi: (rubbing hands together in excitement) sounds good... (glances his name tag) Jim. Hey, do you own the place?

Jim: Yes. And if I hear the word "ironic" one more time, I swear I'll go insane!!

Luigi: (walks into the changing room in an awkward silence) ...(bursts out in his new training gear; Sweatbands, wristbands, basketball shorts, and a tank top. All in green of course) Alright, what first. (walks over to the weights) Let's see, do I go for the 5 lbs. Weights to start out, or do I push myself and go for the 8 lbs. Weights?

Koopa: (picks up the 50 lbs. weights and starts pumping)

Luigi: (not wanting to be outdone, drags the 50 lbs. weights off the rack, and fails to keep them up once gravity kicks in.)

Luigi's toes: (get crushed by the 50 lbs. weights)

Luigi: (Begins howling in horrible pain, desperate to slide the weights off of his shoes)

Koopa: (quickly runs over and lifts the weights off Luigi's shoes) Dude, are you okay??

Luigi: (rubbing his toes) Yeah. Thanks.

Koopa: No problem. (begins pumping again)

Luigi: Maybe I'll put off the hand weights until later. Let's start off easy with something else, like the treadmill. (hops onto a vacant treadmill) Running's easy. (starts the machine, setting the speed to 5 and jogging in place) ...BORING!! Let's crank it up a bit! (turns it up to 7 and starts picking up speed) That's more like it...(minutes later)... Whew, getting a bit tired, let's turn it down a bit. (presses the minus button next to his speed, but nothing happens) ...(presses the minus button again. The counter refuses to change) ... Hey Jim! Get over here!

Jim: (fumbling with a strip of double-sided 3M tape) What?

Luigi: (between pants) What... is wrong... with the... treadmill...

Jim: (places the tape onto the treadmill's handrail, adjusts his glasses, and peers into the wiring under the control panel) Lemme see...Here we go, this wire just got loose. I'll just connect those and-

Treadmill: (doubles in speed when Jim reconnects the wires)

Luigi: (grabs onto both handrails as he falls down onto the treadmill)

_This is where Luigi's vocal cords get strained far worse than ever before in his life. As he grabbed onto the railing in panic, his left hand got stuck to the 3M tape, permanently sticking his hand to the handrail. The rest of his body dangled, dragging itself along the speeding treadmill's riveted conveyor belt. Luigi screamed as he received the worst rug burn in all of existence. His bare knees would never be the same._

Jim: (startled by Luigi's painful shrieks of agony, quickly snips Luigi's glove along the seams, so that it breaks open and releases Luigi's trapped hand)

Treadmill: (Launches Luigi at 23 MPH towards the wall behind him.)

Luigi: (smacks hard against the wall, knocking a framed motivational poster of a ridiculously buff toad and the message, "DO YA FEEL THE **BURN**?" onto his head, knocking him unconscious.)

Jim: (makes a mental note to add the poster to his bill.)

_Some time later_

Bob-omb: Dude, do you think he's okay?

Paratroopa: How should I know?

Bob-omb: Splash some of your water on him.

Paratroopa: Are you kidding? It costed me 2.50 for this bottle! I'm not wasting any of this!

Bob-omb: You paid 2.50 for water?

Paratroopa: Water with performance enhancing electrolytes! And it's strawberry flavored.

Bob-omb: Cool, let me try some of that!

Paratroopa: No way man, get your own!

Bob-omb: I just want a little! (grabs the bottle) gimme!

Paratroopa: (pulling back on it) No!

Bob-omb: (pulling it back towards him) Yes!

Paratroopa: No!

Bob-omb: Yes!

Paratroopa: No!

Bob-omb: Yes!

Paratroopa: No!

Bob-omb: Yes!

Paratroopa: (pulling back with extra might) NNNNNOOOO!

Expensive water: (flies out of the bickering hands of Bob-omb and Paratroopa, and pours it's contents all over Luigi in mid-air)

Luigi: (slowly comes to) Uh... wha?

Paratroopa: Aw man!

Bob-omb: Serves you right, hog.

Luigi: Hey, how long have I been out?

Bob-omb: I dunno.

Parakarry: It's 6pm if it helps.

Luigi: 6PM!!

Bob-omb: Yep. It's quittin' time in one hour.

Luigi: (rushes over to the dumbbell) Quick, someone spot me!

Paratroopa: I will.

Bob-omb: No, I will.

Paratroopa: You're just avoiding working out.

Bob-omb: And you aren't?

Paratroopa: You don't even have arms to spot him with!

Bob-omb: Well mom loves me most!

Paratroopa: You're adopted!

Bob-omb: I AM NOT! It's just a skin condition!

Paratroopa: Well of course they'd tell **you** that.

Bob-omb: At least I didn't come into the family by accident.

Paratroopa: HEY! Dad called me a mistake only because he didn't know I was in the room!

Bob-omb: I wonder what else they say behind your back.

Paratroopa: ...Hey, is that guy still breathing?

Luigi: (face turns blue as his frail, flailing arms fail to lift the 200 lbs. dumbbell off of his chest)

Paratroopa and Bob-omb: OH-MAN!! (rushes over to aid Luigi)

Paratroopa: (slowly moving the dumbbell up with the help of his brother) Don't worry dude! I'm not losing another one today!

Luigi: (draws in a deep breath as his lungs are relieved of the enormous weight)

Paratroopa and Bob-omb: (puts the dumbbell back into it's holder)

Luigi: (pants in relief) _pant pant_ Oh man, I owe you guys my life! Thank you thank you thank you! If there's anything I can do...

Bob-omb: I like your pants!

Luigi: ...

_Later_

Luigi: (walks through the front door wearing his green boxers, and sees that Mario, Parakarry, and Mac are already home)

Mac: CLEAR! (pushes the heart defilibrators against Mario's chest)

Mario: (jolts into the upright position, eyes darting left and right)

Mac: See, that wasn't so hard was it guys?

Parakarry: (only manages an Ugh... as a reply with what is left of his energy)

Mac: Alright, I'll be back here 5 am sharp to-

Mario: (pops the lid off of a nice, cold, refreshing chukola-cola)

Mac: (slaps Mario's wrist hard, sending the delicious drink to the ground.) NO! BAD MARIO! It's celery and bottled water for you from now on! (hands the two items to Mario)

Mario: (looks at the new diet he is now on, and tries to fight back his tears)

Mac: Alright guys, it's only 2 days until the big competition, so we'll be kicking things up a few notches. I'd suggest getting some "cups" to wear tomorrow. Oh hey Luigi.

Luigi: Hello Mac. Guess where I've been all day.

Mac: Where?

Luigi: The gym, pumpin' iron.

Mac: Good for you man! Keep this up, and you just might be ready to be trained next year. Maybe.

Luigi: Are you kidding me? Look at these guns! (Luigi had been waiting all day for this moment, when he could coolly roll back his sleeve, flex his magnificent muscles, and watch Mac stare in such awe that he would drop to his knees and grovel for Luigi to take his training. He flexed. Nothing happened.)

Mac: Your arms look as rubbery as ever to me.

Luigi: No wait! Lemme try ol' lefty. (flexes again, with the same disappointing results)

Mac: Cute, now if you don't mind, I have a few arrangements to make with the pet store's manager for tomorrow's training. (leaves the house)

Luigi: B-b-b-but-but-but... I trained all day long. (looks intensely towards his wimpy biceps) Why have you failed me?

Dexter: Muscles can't grow in size over night, just like you can't immediately grow 6 inches over the weekend in time for basketball tryouts.

Luigi: Why not?

Dexter: They need to adjust to their environment. If you put strain on them then they become more powerful to compensate. If you don't use them at all then they start to weaken with lack of use. It's just your body adapting to the conditions you put it in.

Luigi: I've been straining these bad boys all day though! How long does it take to adapt?

Dexter: Several days, even weeks. It's a slow and gradual process, and trying to cut corners will only hinder you more than it will help.

Luigi: That sucks! (plops onto the couch) Now what am I going to do?

TV: Do you need muscles fast?

Luigi: (looks up)

TV: Need a solution to your wimpy stature, and need it fast? Then come down to "Rawk Hawk's"! Gets you results faster than any where else. That's the Rawk Hawk Guarantee!

Rawk Hawk: If I can't get you ripped in two days, I'll swallow this bag of cement!

Luigi: (jumps up) I'LL DO IT!

Dexter: Were you not just listening to me?

Luigi: Dude, he'll swallow a bag of cement if he doesn't keep his promise. I'd say he's pretty sure he knows what he's doing.

Dexter: (rolls his eyes as Luigi heads off for glitzville)

_The next morning_

Luigi: Hey, I'd like to take on your 2 day challenge.

Rawk Hawk:(looks up from his Glitz Illustrated) Wha? Oh- Sure thing. Just sign this waiver first, stating that we will not be responsible for any injury or disability caused by our **extreme** training regimen. (flexes on the word "extreme")

Luigi: Disability?

Rawk Hawk: You know, blindness, lost of limb, death. That kind of stuff.

Luigi: Death is a disability?

Rawk Hawk: Do you want to be buff or not?

Luigi: Yes please sir!

Rawk Hawk: Then shuddup and sign the paper!

Luigi: (scribbles his signature onto the waiver and hands it to Rawk Hawk)

Rawk Hawk: Sweet. Now, if you come with me I'll show you what you'll be doing for your training. (takes Luigi to a large boulder suspended from the ceiling by a strong chain, and a red mark placed on the floor below it.) This is the first part of the training. You stand on that red "X" on the floor, and then we drop the boulder on top of you. If you can lift the boulder off of you and escape with your life, YOU'LL BE STONGER!

Luigi: ...Can I opt out of this?

Rawk Hawk: We can skip to the next part. (takes Luigi out the back door and towards a deep hole) We throw you into this 500 foot deep hole. If you can claw your way back out of the trench, YOU'LL BE STRONGER!!

Luigi: Won't that break every bone in my body?

Rawk Hawk: ...That would explain why no one's come out yet.

Luigi: I'm not sure if I want to go through with this anymore.

Rawk Hawk: Oh come on, at least try one of these you baby!

Luigi: Fine, what is your easiest stunt?

Rawk Hawk: Running 100 yards carrying 12 boxes of prime rib steaks.

Luigi: Steaks?

Rawk Hawk: Rocky trained with steaks. It probably helps somehow.

Luigi: I guess that makes sense. Let's do it!

Rawk-Hawk: Awesome! (Leads Luigi to a worn-down football field) Alright, here are your steaks, and there's the goal. Go get 'em tiger!

Luigi: (tries to life the boxes) EEEEEEEEEEEEEER-huh... These steaks are heavy!

Rawk Hawk: You can make more than one trip.

Luigi: (gladly takes 2 boxes from the top of the pile and jogs towards the end goal) ...I don't see why this is so easy.

Rawk Hawk: (unleashes 3 Chain chomps from nearby cages and into the end goal Luigi was heading for)

Chain chomps: (immediately take notice of 2 things. The first being Luigi clutching two boxes of delicious steak. The second being that it was lunch time.)

Luigi: (stops dead in his tracks) Oh you gotta be kidding me!

Chain chomps: (race towards the steak-holding plumber)

Luigi: (Runs in the other direction, glancing back every so often to see the chain chomps closing the gap.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU PEOPLE ARE SADISTIC!! (feels the chain chomps nipping at his heel) AAAAH!! (Makes a desperate dive to put a few more feet between him and the chain chomps)

Chain Chomps: (lunge at Luigi on the ground, but are suddenly shocked and reel back from the pain of the invisible fence)

Luigi: _pant pant_ ... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Rawk Hawk: Come on dude, the training isn't over!

Luigi: Yes it is! Because I quit! **I CHOOSE LIFE!** (Emphasizes on every word of the sentence) (walks off the football field) At least you ended it before I DIED!

Rawk Hawk: Nah, we just put that up so the chain chomps wouldn't be distracted by the larger pile of meat. They need to chase you down.

Luigi: (Storms angrily out of the gym) Who comes up with that? Getting a boulder off of you to get stronger?? There is no other trainer on this earth as evilly sadistic as him. (Notices Mac leaning over the floating edge of Glitzville)

Mac: Come on guys, we should be doing the next set by now! What's taking so long?

Parakarry: (grabs onto the edge of glitzville, profusely sweating) Mario lost his grip halfway up the rope and fell. Again. (climbs over the edge and flops on the ground, revealing a ball and chain attached to each of his legs)

Luigi: Uh... What are you guys doing?

Mac: Hey Luigi, just training. (returns his attention towards the rope attached to the edge of the flying city) COME ON CHUBBY, LET'S MOVE!!

Luigi: Don't you think this is a little extreme?

Mac: It's just a rope climb, kids do it in gym class all the time.

Luigi: Not with 50 lbs. weights attached to their legs!

Parakarry: On a rope 5,000 ft. long.

Mac: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were training for the Baby-lympics. I thought you guys wanted to win the title of Most Macho Man in existence. DARN IT PLUMBER, TIGHTEN YOUR GRIP WOULD YOU??

Parakarry: I don't think it's worth it anymore.

Mac: Hey, that's loser talk. I won't have any of that Parakarry, not while you two have a great shot at this.

Parakarry: Sorry, I'm just hungry is all.

Mac: Oh, here you go. (passes a celery stick to Parakarry). You earned that treat. So Luigi, what's up?

Luigi: I just came back from the Rawk Hawk Gym. He tried to make me carry steak through a football field filled with chain-chomps!

Mac: That's a fun one isn't it. Yeah, it was fun and all, but it wasn't doing as much for me as I'd hope, so I started my own training regimen, and it's done wonders for me.

Parakarry: Yeah, it's a wonder you survived it!!

Luigi: What'd he make you do?

Parakarry: First off, we had to wrestle 10 pigs from that pig pen near the train station, 6 miles to the pet store. Do you know hard it is to wrestle a squirming hog 6 miles, and then do it again 5 more times? Mario lost one a mile away from the store and had to chase it all the way back to the pen.

Mac: I promised to deliver some pet pigs in exchange for use of his aquarium display.

Parakarry: And guess what that aquarium was filled with. Piranhas!

Mac: Every one knows swimming is the best form of exercise, but kick boxing can really get you a serious workout. So imagine combining the two into one workout!

Parakarry: It made sense, but things change when your flailing your limbs in an attempt to fend for your life in a tank full of meat eaters!

Mac: Oh it wasn't that bad.

Parakarry: Tell that to my scars! (lifts his shirt to reveal bite marks all over his abdomen)

Mario: (Finally flops on the ground with a gasp)

Mac: There you are. Looks like we can get started on the next round of training. (tosses Mario and Parakarry a pair of identical harness with a large lever in the front)

Parakarry: What are these for?

Mac: (puts one on himself) They're parachutes. We're gonna base jump over to Neon Heights. Who wants to go first.

Parakarry: Where's the rip cord?

Mac: There isn't one. You have to move that lever up and down until it comes out. By the way, the lever has a resistance of 80 lbs. so it simulates pushing an 80 lbs. block back forth. That's where the training comes from.

Parakarry: You can't be serious! What if we don't open the chute??

Mac: I see somebody's glass is half empty today. Try a little optimism with your cereal tomorrow.

Luigi: Well I'm heading back. Good luck with that training.

Mac: Thanks, see ya later. (pushes Mario and Parakarry over the edge without warning and jumps after them) GERONIMO!!

Mario and Parakarry: (scream bloody murder)

Luigi: ... (walks onto the blimp in awkward silence, wondering why anyone would pay for a personal trainer.) _sigh _Looks like I'll never be a macho man now. But I guess it isn't all bad. After all, I'm happy with how I am. And even if I did win I'd have to worry about defending my title. And of course I don't have to endure the training involved. (moments later, Luigi heard the distant sound of a the hard ground breaking the fall of one flabby plumber. Luigi bumped that last positive of not entering the macho man contest to the top of the list.)

Conductor: ALL ABOARD! (Let's the blimp's whistle sound)

Blimp: (after letting the last of the tourists on, begins it's descent towards the next stop; The Mushroom Kingdom.)

Waitress: (pushes a cart of confections up the aisle of seat, eventually reaching Luigi) Complimentary drink sir?

Luigi: Yes please. What do you have?

Waitress: Spring water, Chukola Cola, Monstar Energy drink, herbel tea-

Luigi: Wait, what's Monstar Energy drink?

Waitress: (shows Luigi a can of the drink)

Luigi: (takes the can and reads the description) "Monstar energy drink gives you a boost of pure turbo whenever you need it. Super-charged from the first sip, Monstar puts you in the fast-lane and refuses to let go. Warning: High in caffeine, sugar, and artificial flavorings. Those with back, lung, or heart problems should not take Monstar, as it may cause serious injury or death. Short-term paranoia, anxiety, and muscle spasms may result from use of Monstar. Do not take with medicine or while operating heavy machinery." I guess I could try it.

Waitress: Very well. (moves onto the next passenger)

Luigi: (swigs a small sample) ...Mmmm. Not bad. (takes a second gulp). I wonder why it has so many warnings.

_5 minutes later_

Luigi: (bouncing up and down rapidly) Hey-have-you-ever-noticed-that-this-blimp-is-shaped-like-a-cheep-cheep-I-wonder-why-they-did-that-I-sure-as-heck-don't-know-maybe-the-blimp-maker-is-a-cheep-cheep-man-that's-one-egotistical-cheep-cheep-isn't-it-speaking-of-cheep-cheeps-have-you-ever-said-a-word-over-and-over-again-and-it-started-sounding-weird-like-the-word-cheep-cheep-listen-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-Hey-look-windows! (starts slamming the windows open and shut in a furious manner) Look-they-open-that's-so-cool-I-wonder-if-anyone-has-ever-fallen-out! WHY IS MY LIVER SPAZZING?? (laughs as if someone told him the best joke ever although no one else was talking) HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA-HEY! (stands upon his seat and points towards a terrified Noki) DO YOU LIKE COOKIES??

Noki: Uh...Yes?

Luigi: (Squints his eye intensely at her) I'm watching you... (slowly sinks back into his seat, warily keeping his focus on the confused Noki)

Waitress: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down.

Luigi: YEAH SETTLE DOWN WHOEVER'S NOT SETTLING DOWN! YOU'RE DISTURBING THE FLIGHT!

Waitress: I'm talking to you sir.

Luigi: (Throws rock horns into the air) Finally, a woman talks to me out of her own free will!

Waitress: Just try to sit still and be quiet.

Luigi: Can do cap'n! (strikes the "thinking man"'s pose)

Waitress: Ugh (walks into the cockpit) He finally settled down.

Pilot: Good. Maybe now- Aah! (feels the blimp veering left and right) What's going on?

Co-pilot: I would say turbulence, but there's not enough wind to cause this much force!

Waitress: (hears the screaming passengers, and runs to check on them. That's when she saw the cause)

Luigi: (standing in the middle of the aisle with his legs spread out and arms placed on two seats across the aisle from one another) Don't rock the boat! No no no, don't rock the boat! (shifts his weight every time the blimp leans so that it starts leaning the other way again.)

Waitress: (grabs Luigi who begins throwing a tantrum about never interrupting someone's magnificent talent, shoves a parachute into his chest and shoves him out the door)

Luigi: (hears the passengers cheer as he is propelled out of the blimp) Woah! I'm like, falling... AWESOME! (spread his arms out) I'm a bird! I'm a plane! I'm SUPER LUIGI! (looks like he's still on a monstar high. So let's check in with our two macho man trainees)

Parakarry and Mario: (crawl on their bellies through toad town roped to a house-sized iceberg retrieved from neon heights)

Mac: (sitting on top of the iceberg) Doing good guys! Just one more mile to go and we are done for the day!

Parakarry: Mario. I... I don't think... I can go... much longer. Tell... tell my wife that... I lo-

Luigi: -SUPER LUIGI! (Lands on top on Parakarry with a hard thud) Hey-guys-wazzup?

Parakarry: You're crushing every delicate bone in my body.

Luigi: Sorry-dude! (bounces off Parakarry) Well-see-you-guys-back-at-the-house! (runs off in a green blur)

Mac: ...Isn't his house the other way?

Luigi: (shouts quickly in the nanosecond he passes by) Oops-my-bad!

Mac: ...Did you guys notice anything strange about Luigi?

Parakarry: (sarcastically)No. He just fell from the sky and crushed my liver just like every day.

Mac: HEY! Did I say you could stop dragging?? (cracks a whip loudly next to the two trainees)

Parakarry and Mario: (pick up the pace)

Mac: That's more like it.

_One mile of furious scurrying later_

Mario and Parakarry: (crawl through the front door of the Mario house)

Parakarry: Finally! (undoes his rope and flops onto the ground.)

Mac: I'd say that was an excellent day of training. Well, that's all I can do for now. Hope to see you guys bright and early tomorrow for the macho man contest. (lifts the iceberg with a grunt, and begins his trip towards Neon heights to return the prized chunk of ice)

Mario: (slowly heads up the stairs to his bed, but not before almost tripping over Luigi, who was slumped over the stairs unconscious)

Parakarry: (drags himself towards the couch) Mind if I crash here?

Mario: (responds with a loud snore)

1_ hour before the macho man competition_

Luigi: (wakes up with a horrible taste in his mouth) Ugh... what a horrible night. I don't even remember what happened.

Dexter: (knocks on the door) Hey Luigi. You still in there?

Luigi: Coming... (opens the door) what's up?

Dexter: The contest is starting soon. Aren't you entering? In spite of every reason not to?

Luigi: What? ...Oh, right. (stretches) MMMMMmmm... Sorry, I'm a bit wiped from sleeping on the stairs again.

Dexter: ...sleeping on the stairs?

Luigi: Yeah. I was hopped up on Monstar energy drink last night, so I was running around cleaning the house. (turns towards his magnificently sparkling results) I refurbished the furniture and I was racing up to sand out the bedroom when I just collapsed on the ground out like a light.

Dexter: Oh yeah. Tim was on that Monstar stuff once. Our babysitter is still recovering from when-

Luigi: Don't want to hear it. (walks towards the supermarket)

Dexter: Hey, the competition's the other way.

Luigi: I know.

_45 minutes later_

Toad: Last call for sign-ups! Last call for sign-ups! No more entries will be accepted 5 minutes from this final call!

Luigi: (sprinting to the sign-up box) I'm here! I'm here! Hold up! (grabs a pen and scribbles his name on the sign-up list.)

Toad: Alright... You'll be number 6. (hands him a small card with the number 6 on it.) We'll call you 5 minutes before the competition starts. (takes the microphone) No more entries at this time. Sign-ups are now closed. (puts the list away)

Rawk-Hawk: (Lunges for the list a second too late) NOOO! WHY! WHY??

Luigi: (finds a spot in the grass and begins stretching)

Parakarry: Hey Mario, he showed up! How's it going Luigi?

Luigi: It's going- WOAH! (looks up to see a totally ripped Mario and Parakarry) What happened to you?

Parakarry: We couldn't believe it wither when we woke up like this. Since we finally got a break from training, our muscles finally bulged out since there was less pressure. (starts posing) Man I've never looked better!

Mario: (starts drumming on on his rock hard abs)

Parakarry: By the way, have you seen this beast of a course? Mac's training almost looks like a Chihuahua's obedience training course in comparison.

Luigi: Pffft. I doubt it. But even if it is, I'm more than sure my secret weapon can handle it.

Parakarry: Secret weapon?

Toad: All competitors please report to the starting line.

Parakarry: Uh-oh, we better hurry up! Good luck Luigi! (runs with Mario to the starting line)

Luigi: (talking to himself) Oh, I won't need luck. (reaches into the knothole of a nearby tree and pulls out a six-pack of Monstar) Hello my energy-packed friend. Are you ready to win the race today? (pulls out a can) One for the money. (chugs it and breaks out the 2nd can.) Two for the show. (repeats step one) Three for... the heck of it. (chugs the 3rd can and throws the 6-pack back into the tree and gets to the starting line)

Toad: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the Macho Man competition! Our 6 hopefuls will go through 3 stages of the competition. The last two to reach the finish in each round will be eliminated until the last round, where we find out who is the Mushroom Kingdom's Most Macho Man!

Audience: (cheer in excitement)

Toad: The first challenge is called; "The toils of Atlas". You must push your boulder 50 yards up an incline of 60 degrees. Once on top of the hill, you must tie yourself to the boulder and roll down the hill and into the lake, where you will swim the lake's length with the boulder still tied to your back. Once on the shore, you must use a smaller rock to chisel the boulder into a handsaw and cut down a tree to use as a bridge to cross the tar pit to the finish line.

Luigi: (jumping up and down) Do-we-start-yet-do-we-start-yet-do-we-start-yet?

Toad: On your mark... get set... go!

Luigi: (runs up the hill as if the boulder isn't there, barely edging out Mario and Parakarry.)

Parakarry: Dude, what's up with your brother?

Mario: (looks over to Luigi who was laughing hysterically as he pushed the boulder up the hill)

Luigi: (reaches the top first, and fumbles with the rope with his jittery hands)

Parakarry: (manages to tie himself first and rolls himself down the hill)

Mario: (follows soon after, followed by Luigi)

Parakarry: (splashes into the water first, but is strapped to the top of the boulder, and has to wait as the boulder slowly turns before he can start swimming)

Mario: (takes advantage of the slow turning boulder to gain the lead. Begins doing the backstroke with the boulder lying on top of his abs)

Luigi: (leaps in and out of the water like a dolphin with the boulder on his back, and closes the gap between him and his brother)

Parakarry: (After much flailing, manages to reach the water, and begins his breaststroke)

Luigi: (reaches the shore first and finds a rock and a pebble, then uses the pebble to carve out the rock)

Mario: (pauses for a second as he sees his brother chiseling a rock instead of the boulder, but continues when he sees Parakarry run onto shore)

Toad: Luigi, Mario, and Parakarry have entered the final leg as Wario finally starts rolling down the hill. Noki has given up, and Waluigi is still struggling to push the boulder of flat ground. It looks like Luigi has finished his little side project.

Luigi: (holds up his newly chiseled hammer, and begins whaling on the boulder, taking it down with ease.)

Mario and Parakarry: (Continues using a blunt rock as they finish off the first quarter of their boulders.)

Luigi: (begins shaping the handle of his saw)

Wario: (slowly doggie paddles towards the shore, panting heavily)

Waluigi: (finally begins inching the boulder towards the slope)

Parakarry: (notices Luigi sharpening the blades with his jittery arms, and picks up the pace)

Luigi: (finishes the teeth and makes for the tree.)

Wario: (reaches the shore, no energy left in his frail body)

Mario: (finishes his axe and heads for the tree)

Parakarry: (Finishes his... smaller rock, and heads for the tree)

Luigi: TIMBER! (The tree fell over the tar pit, allowing Luigi to cross first) WINNER! Where's my prize? I want my prize. GIVE IT TO ME!!

Toad: Woah there tiger, we still have 2 more stages to go. And here comes Mario now.

Mario: (tackles the weakened tree so that it snaps off it's chiseled stump, and rides it as it falls to the ground. Then shimmies quickly across as Parakarry yells "TIMBER!")

Toad: And it looks like 2 more contestants are crossing the finish line! How are you guys feeling?

Parakarry: We're feeling pumped! Oh yeah, bring on the next challenge baby!

Toad: Not yet. We still have to wait for one more contestant to cross.

Wario: (remains unconscious on the beach)

Waluigi: (drains his energy keeping the boulder one foot up the hill)

Toad: ... (turns towards a Bob-omb wearing a pair of green basketball shorts as hat) Hey, you wanna enter the macho man contest?

Bob-omb: Sure!

Toad: Great! Now it-

Rawk Hawk: NO! PICK ME! PICK MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Bob-omb: Sorry dude, I already said yes.

Rawk Hawk: (throws a tantrum)

Toad: Alright, we'll take a 1 minute break before our next stage.

Luigi: TEN MINUTES!? why's-going-to-take-ten-minutes-huh-I-don't-need-ten-minutes-come-on-this-is-just-a-waste-of-time-and-I-might-as-well-run-to-china-and-grab-some-lunch-before-the-next-stage-in-fact-I'll-do-just-that-since-it's-not-like-I'll-be-DOING-ANYTHING-for-the-next-ten-minutes! (zooms out of the park in a green blur, leaving everyone in a daze)

Parakarry: Dude, what's up with your brother?

Mario: (shrugs as Mac come up to them)

Mac: Hey guys, how are the muscles treating you?

Parakarry: AWESOME!

Mac: Cool. Well, since it seems that I've provided my service it's time to charge you guys. (hands him a bill)

Mario: (faints at the sight of Mac's bill)

Parakarry: WOAH! How can you charge this much?

Mac: I think the results justify the cost.

Parakarry: ...(rips up the bill) Nope.

Mac: HEY! What are you doing?!

Parakarry: Pfft. What are you going to do, take my muscles back? You couldn't do that without illegal surgery.

Mac: I suppose.

Parakarry: And we know your training techniques, so it looks like we're keeping our muscles.

Mac: Darn! I should've thought about that before training you guys.

Parakarry: That's right. You can't outsmart me.

Mac: Well, I guess all I can do is be a good sport and offer you a slice of victory pizza. (lifts a box of pizza to the ripped-ripoffs)

Parakarry: Don't mind if I do. (takes a large slice and takes a triumphant bite of the greasy concoction.)

Mario: (joins in the pizza scarfing)

Parakarry: That's good stuff. (notices his muscles beginning to deflate) AAAH! What's happening!

Mac: Oh dear, it seems that the highly fatty contents of this pizza has negated your muscles and is turning you into a flabby wimp again.

Parakarry: (throws the "devil pizza" to the ground in panic) QUICK! SOMEONE GET ME AN ICEBERG!! (fully deflates back to his original shape) NOOO! MY BEAUTIFUL PHYSIQUE!

Mario: (looks down to see he has also returned to his rotund self) ...(takes another bite of the pizza, unable to resist it's mushroom and pepperoni charm)

Parakarry: (begins doing push-ups at a frantic pace as a green blur enters the park)

Luigi: Hey-guys-who-wants-ramen?

Toad: Will the contestants please come to the starting line at this? Thank you.

Parakarry: (falls to the ground sobbing) NOOOO! I was so close to winning! WAAAAAH!

Mario: (drags the blubbering mailman to the starting line)

Luigi: (bouncing up and down) what-do-we-do-with-these-shovels? Huh? Huh? Huh-huh? Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Is-the-word-"huh"-starting-to-sound-weird-to-anyone-else-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh?

Toad: Dude, shut up so I can explain the rules!

Luigi: Sorry... (both eyes begin twitching involuntarily)

Toad: Alright. For this challenge you will tunnel your way up the cliff side by digging a tunnel in the ground, with it's exit appearing on top of the cliff. Then you will hang glide off of the cliff, carrying as many planks of wood as you can in one arm, using the other arm to hang onto the glider. You may make as many trips as it takes to carry 20 planks of wood to the fenced off area behind you. In that area you must use the planks of wood to build a small pen to hold 4 buttered up pigs, which happen to be scampering around in the area. Once you have gathered the necessary pigs, you will tie them together, and then use them as your own dogsled team minus the sled. As you are dragged across the ground towards the pig's lunch on the other side of the field, you must grab 2 orange flags scattered among the field. If you have less than 2, you can run back and gather them once your pigs are feeding. Then you will use the orange flags to direct a 747 to the landing zone. Once you board the plane, you will jump out at an altitude of 20,00 and into a near by hot air balloon to retrieve your parachute. We strongly advise against missing the balloon. The first two to touch down on the landing zone will move onto the next zone. Are the contestants ready?

Parakarry: No.

Toad: Too bad! (fires off a shot)

Luigi: (begins tunneling faster than a monty mole)

Mario and Parakarry: (begin digging at a much slower pace)

Bob-omb: (lacking arms, begins nudging the ground with his face in hopes of being able to remove enough dirt in such a fashion)

Luigi: (pops out on top of the cliff, and grabs planks by the handful)

Parakarry: (wipes the sweat off of his brow, already growing tired without the aid of his muscles)

Bob-omb: (starts kicking dirt out of the hole with his feet, make slow but noticeable progress)

Luigi: (takes off in the hang glider with 4 planks in his arm, 5 wedged between his legs, and 1 in his mouth.)

Bob-omb, Mario and Parakarry: (finally dig themselves up to their chins in dirt, which unfortunately for the Bob-omb meant 3 inches into the ground.)

Luigi: (scampers over the fence for his second trip to the planks)

Parakarry and Mario: (start tunneling sideways under the face of the cliff, preparing to tunnel upwards)

Bob-omb: (finally disappears into his hole, meaning he had achieved a depth of 2 feet)

Luigi: (takes the second glider in the same fashion as the trip before, bringing his plank total up to 20)

Parakarry: (reaches the halfway point up the cliff)

Mario: (trails Parakarry by 2 feet)

Bob-omb: (begins tunneling sideways)

Luigi: (gets half way done with his pen)

Parakarry: (breaks the surface, and flops onto the ground exhausted.)

Mario: (mimics Parakarry)

Luigi: (nails the last plank into place, and starts searching among the field for suitable piggies)

Parakarry: (having been passed out for twenty minutes, stirs when Bob-omb finally breaks the surface)

Oh man! How long have I been out? (dashes for the pile of planks)

Mario: (stirs awake at Parakarry's exclamation, and notices Luigi was struggling to drag his 4th buttered piggy to his pen)

Parakarry: (managing to fit 4 planks under his arm, takes off on the hang glider)

Bob-omb: (pushes a stack of 5 planks over the cliff's edge and goes to retrieve more as Mario takes off on the hang-glider with 6 planks between his legs, unable to hold his weight with only one hand)

Luigi: (places his final pig into the pen and brings out his rope as Parakarry climbs over the fence to retrieve more wood) Looks like it's time to hog-tie you little rascals!

Bob-omb: (pushes his his 16th, 17th, 18th, and 19th plank over the edge, and then get on the hang glider with a plank in his mouth.)

Parakarry: (scrambles up his tunnel with Mario closing the gap between them) Man, this gets tiring fast!

Bob-omb: (lands in the fenced-off area as Luigi tries his 3rd strategy to tie the pigs together, and climbs over the fence)

Parakarry and Mario: (neck-and-neck, Parakarry borrowing Mario's "between the legs" strategy, take off from the cliff at the same time as Bob-omb approaches the planks he tossed over the edge)

Bob-omb: (one plank at a time, takes the wood to the fence, tosses it over, and returns to the pile to retrieve the next one.)

Toad: (skimming over the rule book) ...Well it is within the instruction I gave them. He did use the hang glider to get into the pen.

Parakarry and Mario: (take another much-needed break as Luigi is dragged across the field, trying to grab 2 orange flags sticking out from the ground)

Bob-omb: (throws the final plank over the fence and crawl over the chain-links to build his pen.)

Luigi: (grabs his second flag seconds before the pigs stop in front of the large pile of pig feed. Luigi ran over to the landing zone and begins to flail the flags around.)

Parakarry: (after recovering some strength from the break, takes the next round of planks to the pig pen)

Mario: (continues resting)

Bob-omb: (finishes half of his pig pen)

Parakarry: (After counting his 17 planks, runs to retrieve the final 3)

Luigi: (manages to flag down a 747, and climbs the ladder into the cock pit)

Bob-omb: (hops into his pen after completion, and starts squealing pig sounds) Wheep! Whee-whee-oink!

Pigs: (take notice of Bob-ombs squealing, and jump into the pen)

Bob-omb: (stops after 4 pigs jump into his pen) Heh, and they said I was a loser for dedicating half of my life to hog-calling! (flashes his "4th annual Hog-calling champion" ribbon) Now... how to tie you without any hands...

Parakarry: (flies into the fenced area with the final 3 planks in hand) Heh, let's see Mario catch up now.

Mario: (glides in with only a single plank in his hand)

Parakarry: HA!

Mario: (flips the hang glider over to reveal he had placed 6 more planks on top)

Parakarry: Oh. (begins construction on his pen)

Mario: (also begins construction, as Bob-omb is seen in the background being dragged by the pigs)

Luigi: GERONIMO!! (leaps out of the airplane) WHEEEEEE-Whoops, I missed. (plummets past the hot air balloon)

Parakarry: Ha, I'm gonna finish before you plumber! And when I win I'm-

Luigi: SUPER LUIGI! (lands on Parakarry with a hard thud)

Parakarry: Oof! ...Why me?

Luigi: (ignoring Parakarry) Where's the finish line? (spots it in the distance) There it is!

Mario: (finishes his pen, and begins chasing the pigs)

Bob-omb: (failing to get the flags along the way due to lack of arms (duh) walks back into the field to get them)

Parakarry: (weakly puts the final plank onto the pen, then passes out from the thought of having to wrestle buttered pigs into said pen.)

Mario: (gets his first pig into the pen as Luigi crosses the finish)

Toad: And Luigi is once again the first to cross the finish! Luigi how are you feeling!

Luigi: I'm so excited I can't feel my face! (slaps himself hard across the face) Nope, didn't feel that!

Toad: Sounds good. And I think we can count Parakarry out of the race. Poor guy couldn't take it, but hey, they don't call you macho man for nothing!

Bob-omb: (flags down his plane using the flags he had gathered into his mouth, then gets into the plane)

Mario: (begins to tie the pigs together as the plane takes off)

Toad: Well it looks like Mario's only chance of winning would be if- (is interrupted as Bob-omb's plane explodes without warning. From the fireball leaped Bob-omb and the pilot) WOAH! I hope the little guy makes it! (watches as Bob-omb misses the balloon by a large margin) Uh-oh.

Parakarry: (feebly brings himself to his knees) Ugh... what happ-

Bob-omb: SUPER BOB-OMB! (Lands on Parakarry with a loud thud, then sprints for the finish)

Toad: ...He's okay!

Audience: (cheers with relief)

Toad: (greeting Bob-omb as he catches his breath crossing the finish) Hey Bob-omb, wow. Bet you didn't expect such a thrilling finish did you? In all honesty, I didn't expect you of all people to make it to the final round.

Bob-omb: (still catching his breath)Am I really going? Oh wow, I can't believe it!

Toad: believe it. Alright guys, go take another ten minute break while we set up for the final face-off.

Luigi: (struts over to Mac) Well well well, who's the "lost cause" now? I'd say your two trainees that you wasted all week on. IN YOUR FACE!

Mario: (finally untangles himself from feeding pigs, and mopes on the ground.)

Bob-omb: (on his cell phone) Hey dude, guess what? Turn on your TV to channel 12... just do it! ...then tape it and watch it later, just turn it over to 12... borrow the neighbor's TV then! Dude, come on. ...okay, are you watching? Good, check this out. (walks in front of the camera man) 'Sup? ...I'm not just there, I'm competing! No really, keep watching! Promise to keep watching? ...K' then. (closes his cell phone) Now we'll see who the adopted one is.

_Elsewhere_

Paratroopa: (watching TV)

TV: ...K' then. (Bob-omb closes his cell phone) Now we'll see who the adopted one is.

Paratroopa: Yeah right. (changes it back to "That 80's show") Now way am I missing a guest appearance from the Pong twins.

_At the competition_

Parakarry: (being carried off in a stretcher) Why should I care how many fingers you're holding up?? I need medical attention, not a pop quiz!!

Mac: (walking up to the stretcher) How ya doing?

Parakarry: (sarcastically) Oh, just peachy. It's always been a dream of mine to be carried away in a stretcher with multiple injuries. (glares at Mac)

Mac: Well if you had just paid the bill-

Parakarry: (cruelly mimicking Mac) _Well if you had just paid bill! _I don't need any of your sass!

Mac: Sass? You tried to rip me off!

Parakarry: Hey, let's not bring the details into this, okay? ) (gets pushed into the ambulance and is taken away)

Mac: Pssh, see if I ever help you train for competition again.

Luigi: (doing jacking jack at an inhuman speed) 95-96-97-98-99-100-101-102- Oh hi Mac. Ready for some more rubbing your nose in it?

Toad: Will the competitors please report to the starting line?

Luigi: Oh, it seems I'm needed elsewhere right now. If you excuse me... (walks away)

_Luigi was feeling __**really**__ good right now. But the feeling didn't last long, and Luigi was only halfway to the start before his limbs began to feel woozy. He realized that the drink was wearing off. The hiding spot was another 30 feet away from Luigi, and the energy was draining fast. Luigi quickly made for the tree, his footsteps getting heavier with every inch he traveled. His legs went out first, making Luigi drop to his knees._

_15 feet to go._

_Luigi mustered what strength he had to drags his knees and hands through the grass. It wasn't long before it was an epic struggle within himself to keep moving, willpower disappearing rapidly._

_10 feet to go._

_He was so close, but at the same time, so very far away. Luigi lost balance and fell onto his side, onto the inviting, soft grass. Luigi fought to keep his eyes open, but it was in vain. Luigi lied motionless in the grass, poisoned by the cure itself. One last memory flashed in his mind._

"Luigi: I've been straining these bad boys all day though! How long does it take to adapt?"

"Dexter: Several days, even weeks. It's a slow and gradual process, and trying to cut corners will only hinder you more than it will help."

_How right he was. Elsewhere._

Toad: He's going to forfeit if he isn't here within the next minute! Where is he??

Mac: Hey, did Luigi show up yet?

Toad: Nope, and if he doesn't within the next 45 seconds I'm blowing the whistle!

Mac: I wonder where he could be.

_Elsewhere from elsewhere, which was where we were before we went elsewhere._

Luigi: ...

_Elsewhere from elsewhere from elsewhere, which was where we were before we went to where we were before we where elsewhere._

Toad: 10 seconds left! 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE A WINNER! (attempts to hold up Bob-omb's hand, but after snatching the air next to him, realizes he has no arm to raise, and settles on just pointing at him) BOB-OMB!

Audience: (Screams with excitement at the announcement of the new winner)

Bob-omb: (tearing up) Oh my! I, I don't know what to say!

Toad: You don't have to say anything! Just take your title (places a sash bearing the title "Most Macho Man in existence"), your check for 9,999 coins, and follow our representative for your photo-shoot.

Bob-omb: Yay! I'm **not **a failure! (leans against Toad in an attempt to hug him) Thank you!

Toad: Well, that concludes this year's Macho Man competition, in what may be the biggest upset in sports history. Back to you Janet!

Janet: Thanks for that report. In other news, another Toad got stuck in the warp pipe to Yoshi Island due to an unknown blockage. Pipe's were shut-down for one hour as the rescue team got him out.

Luigi: (turns off the TV) I can't believe that Bob-omb beat me!

Parakarry: MAIL CALL! ...NOT ANOTHER ONE!!

Luigi: (opens the door to see Parakarry glaring at the cover of yet another Fungi Cap magazine he had to deliver) Is he on the cover?

Parakarry: Yep. (holds the magazine to Luigi's face. Under the photo of the grinning Bob-omb were the taglines; "Where does he train?", "Does he have a girlfriend?", and "Is wearing shorts as a hat the secret to his success? Find out on Pg. 6"

Luigi: Hey, those shorts look familiar.

Parakarry: (hands the mail to Luigi) Well, I'm off. (rips off his uniform to reveal workout gear underneath)

Luigi: Where are you going?

Parakarry: Big Jim's. Bob-omb works out there and I figure I should get a head start on next year's competition. Later! (turns on his ipod attached to his arm and jobs towards Big Jim's)

Luigi: (Tosses the magazine aside to look at the 2 other letters). A bill from Big Jim's Gym and a bill from Rawk Hawk. Pfft. How much could they charge me for one day of membership? (takes a look at the bill) ...(sobs loudly)

**The idea of getting hopped up on energy drink actually came from my first experience with suck a drink. I was an annoying, screeching ball of energy for an hour, and then collapsed where I stood. Not sure if I'll do that again, but it did help get a huge chunk of this chapter. **

**Also, I'm losing reveiws per chapter at a steady pace. Reveiws are this story's life line since they are what gives me motivation to keep the chapters coming. And right now it's on life support, so do what you can to help, (wipes a single tear from his eye) for the children.**


	14. Slathering Butter

**Hello. Remember me? The guy who promised to try and get these chapters out lickety-split and failed miserably thanks to his now limited free-time? Yeah, I thought you'd remember.**

**But I'm making up for the delay with a double post! Now you not only get one, but two chapters to read! Yay you! So here's the first one, based and embellished upon my own camping experiences.**

* * *

Luigi: (bruised and fearful wearing tattered clothes in the forest) (frantically scribbling his thoughts into his diar- I mean, "Journal") Journal Log Day 3: I might be the only survivor left, and this may be my final entry, as I have eaten all the other pages for nourishment. If you come across this Journal please let this be known to the world. To Mario, if he is alive, tell him that I always loved him, even when he would bury my inhaler in the yard. To Peach, I was the one who licked your cake on your twelfth birthday, and I have no regrets about that. To Waluigi, I still hate you. And to Daisy. I always-

Grizzly Bear: (flies over the top of a nearby bush and lands a few feet in front of Luigi) (growls ferociously)

Luigi: (screams, flinging his journal into the air as he stretches his arms over his head and sprints through the forest)

Grizzly Bear: (Begins closing the gap between him and Luigi, but stops abruptly right when he was only steps for severing Luigi's limbs)

Luigi: (turns his head in confusion, only realizing why the bear stopped when he sprints over the edge of a cliff) What the- YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

_Luigi tumbled endlessly as he plummeted to the unforgiving rocks below. He knew this was the end, that there was no hope now. Awaiting his doom, Luigi reflected upon the last of his days that he spent in these woods._

Flashback: (Shows a car casually driving down the road)

Dexter: Wow! I can't wait to go camping! It's gonna be so much fun!

Luigi: You've been saying that for the past 8 miles! Give it a rest!

Dexter: Sorry, it's just that I've never been camping before. Sleeping under the stars, roasting marshmallows, singing and telling stories by the flickering light of the campfire. Wow! I can't wait to go camping! It's gonna be so much-

Luigi: (glares menacingly at Dexter)

Dexter: ...

Dexter's Dad: Thanks again for coming with us Luigi.

Luigi: Thanks for inviting me! But why did you invite me, seeing how this is suppose to be a father-son bonding experience.

Dexter: I feel safer with someone sleeping by me, and Tim's not going to be enough when animals can attack me in my sleep.

Luigi: Why not sleep next to your dad then?

Tim: Dad sleeps "all natural" when he goes camping.

Dexter: Isn't Mario excited to go camping? He doesn't seem to happy about it.

Luigi: (turns his attention towards a pouting Mario) Oh, he's just mad since he has to miss the belch-off tomorrow.

Mario: (glares at Luigi)

Luigi: You can get your title back next year you baby.

Dexter: Why is he coming when there's a title too protect?

Luigi: Because **I'm** not going to be able to sleep with only you two to protect me. Look, there's the campground!

_Dexter looked out the window and saw the large totem poles holding up the wooden sign reading "Camp Tahawaki". In a few short moments Dexter would finally live his childhood dream of the perfect camping trip. He could smell the smoky embers of the fire burning into his marshmallow on a stick any second now, see the millions of stars glittering in the night from his cozy sleeping bag, and experience the adrenaline of relentlessly gutting your own caught fish. However-_

Dexter's Dad: (makes a hard left and starts driving into the thick forest)

Dexter: (bouncing up and down from the uneven terrain) Da-ad! Wh-ere a-are we g-g-go-ing?

Dexter's Dad: You'll see! (drives in silence for a minute or two until the car eventually rolls to a stop).

Here we are, our camping spot for the weekend.

Luigi: (getting out of the car with everyone else) How can you tell, every 10 feet of the forest looks the same.

Dexter's Dad: I know this is our destination by the fact that the car's out of gas.

Everyone: (turns towards Dexter's dad with bugged-out eyes)

Luigi: WHAT?! You stranded us in the middle of nowhere!!

Dexter: Shouldn't we be at Camp Takawaki??

Dexter's Dad: You mean that baby camp? Heck no! We're roughing it like men this weekend, relying only on our survival instincts. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Luigi: ...NO!

Dexter's Dad: (walking to the trunk of the car) Then why did you agree to come?

Luigi: Because I keep assuming you people are right in the head! I mean, what are you planning to- HEY!

Dexter's Dad: No need for this. (tosses the camping gear into the raging waters of the nearby river)

Everyone: (Screams)

Dexter: You just threw 400 dollars worth of camping gear into the river??

Dexter's Dad: Didn't I just say we're roughing it? I threw away all but the necessary. Food, water, and the clothes on our back.

Luigi: Hey Mario, wasn't your wi-fi enabled mPhone in the tent? The one with our vacation photos?

Mario: ...(crumples into a sobbing heap on the ground at the realization that his mPhone was gone forever)

Dexter's Dad: Now I know it's going to take a little adjustment, but I know that by the end of this weekend we'll be closer together than ever before.

Tim: Yeah, we'll be really close when we have to huddle together for body heat against the freezing cold tonight! And then when we're all cornered by a flesh-eating beast, cowering in fear. Then we'll be close together forever as our remains rot into the ground, unless they're discovered by carnivores. Then know one will ever find us again.

Dexter: Stop it Tim! Luigi's eyes are going to pop if they go any wider with fear!

Tim: Cool, then the beast could eat him first while we make a break for it.

Dexter's Dad: Speaking of feverish eating habits, who's hungry for some dinner?

Mario: (instantly perks up at the thought of food)

Dexter's Dad: I see we have a taker! Alright, what'd you guys bring for food?

Luigi: We just got marshmallows for the s'mores. What did you guys bring?

Dexter's Dad: Um, we were the designated s'more bringers.

Luigi: No, we were definitely told to bring the s'more supplies.

Dexter's Dad: Why would I tell you to bring s'more stuff when I'm bringing s'more stuff!

Luigi: But-

Dexter's Dad: No time for arguments now. I doesn't matter whose fault you idiotically think it is, what matters is that 4 bags of marshmallows cannot sustain us for more than 36 hours, and we must find food. Who's desperate enough to volunteer?

Everyone: ...

Mario's Stomach: (grumbles loudly)

Dexter's Dad: Thanks for volunteering Mario! Now, follow the tire tracks through the woods and see if I managed to hit anything on the way. (pushes a reluctant Mario along the tire tracks)

Mario: (grumpily begins walking down the path of destruction left by Dexter's Dad)

Dexter: So what do we do in the mean time?

Dexter's Dad: We start the barbecue. (furiously begins to rub two stick together) Come on you sticks... BUUUUUUUURRRRN!

Luigi: You know that actually doesn't work.

Dexter's Dad: Somebody obviously doesn't watch the movies. You just gotta... _grunt _give it a sec.

Dexter: Yeah, it was based on a true story.

Dexter's Dad: Exactly. Hollywood wouldn't lie to us.

Luigi: (turns to Dexter) When they say based on a true story they don't-

Sticks: (burst into flames)

Tim: (holding an empty gasoline tank and a match) That made it easy!

Dexter's Dad: I guess you were right.

Luigi: What did you guys do?!

Dexter's Dad: Tim found some extra gasoline under the car, so we used it to get the fire going. Pretty smart eh?

Luigi: (grabs the empty gas container from Tim) You used all of the gasoline? That could've been our ride home!

Dexter's Dad: ...Hmmm, maybe we should've thought this through.

Luigi: I swear, if I die out here I'm gonna-

Dexter: "Chillax"... Atleast we have a fire going! Who wants to make s'mores?

Luigi: How can you think of s'mores at a time like this??

Dexter: (In his cutest baby voice) I'm hungry.

Tim: Yeah, when do we eat?

Dexter's Dad: As soon as Mario comes back with the grub.

Tim: (an eerie shadow casts over Tim as he begins his monologue) What if he doesn't? Sure, we'll be happy with gooey s'mores now. But will we be satisfied with the 100th s'more, when the delightful taste has faded with overuse? Eventually our craving for sustenance will overpower us, blinding us with a thirst for meat. Starvation makes a man desperate, and desperate times, calls for desperate measures.

Dexter: What do you mean?

Tim: Cannibalism. Food is staring you right in the eye as we speak (everyone exchanged nervous glances towards each other), all you have to do is catch it. Before it catches you.

Dexter: (fearfully turns to his brother)You wouldn't eat me, would you?

Tim: I can't make promises I don't know I can keep. When it boils down to it, there's only going to be one of us left, crazed and scarred, but still alive as the only survivor left alone in this harsh world... (the shadow suddenly vanishes) or maybe Mario **will** come back will food, who knows.

Everyone: (takes a step back from one another, feeling very disturbed)

Dexter's Dad: So... who wants to make the first s'more?

Lightning: (flashes in the sky ominously as rain extinguishes the fire)

Luigi: Just great! Now we don't have food **or** fire! I better get my coat before... (glares at Dexter's Dad) Oh that's right. My coat's heading downstream as we speak!

Dexter: And the tents too, so we don't have any shelter!

Tim: (sarcastically) I feel my love growing for you by the second.

Dexter's Dad: Well why don't we just wait in the car until the rain stops?

Luigi: That actually sounds like a good idea. (pulls on the passenger side door) ... (pulls on the passenger side door again) ... I think it's locked.

Dexter's Dad: Hold on, I think I have my keys somewhere... (begins searching his pockets) Now where could they be?

Tim: (peering through the driver's side window) Uh... I think I know where.

_And sure enough the keys were right there, still in the ignition. Luigi would've killed the man then and there if it weren't for the fact that children were in his presence. So they did the next best thing they could for shelter._

Everyone: (huddles around the trunk of a large tree, hoping the pine needles would keep the water away)

Dexter: Nice going Dad, know I get to spend my weekend hugging a tree!

Luigi: And a dripping tree at that.

Tim: It's like that Chinese torture device where they strap you to the floor and slowly pour water onto your forehead one drop at a time. (keeping in rhythm with the drops falling onto Luigi's head) drip... drip... drip... drip...

Luigi: Please, the Chinese couldn't come up with a torture worse than spending a weekend with your father.

Dexter's Dad: HEY! You only think that because you haven't gone shopping with my wife! (shudders) Black Friday indeed...

Dexter: (clutches his gurgling stomach) Mmmm... I've never been so hungry in my life. I could eat the bark right off the tree right now.

Luigi: (mouthful of splinters) Not as good as an idea as you might think Dexter.

Tim: Do you think Mario's going to come soon?

Luigi: Oh man, I hope he's alright.

Dexter's Dad: I'm sure he's fine. As for us, it seems that all we can do for now is just wait out the rain.

Dexter: I'm going to sleep then. I stayed up way too late last night in false excitement. (finds the driest spot beneath him and begins to slumber)

Dexter's Dad: I think we all could use some sleep.

Tim: Awwwwww! But we didn't get to do my favorite part of the camping trip yet!

Luigi: Which would be?

Tim: Ghost stories...

Luigi: NO WAY!! I can't fathom you intentionally being excessively creepy on this trip.

Dexter's Dad: Be a sport Luigi, it's his favorite thing to do.

Luigi: ...Fine. But only one story.

Dexter's Dad: Good man. (puts in his earplugs and goes to sleep)

Tim: This is the story of the crazed woods man. (switches to a deeper and more gravelly voice) Only 8 months ago, in a forest not far from here there lived John Whittaker. He was a poor man, skipping every other meal so that he wouldn't go into debt with what little he earned. It was a wonder to everybody how his frail body could keep up with the demand of his work year round. Before anyone knew it, Christmas was coming around again, and once again he would spend it alone, with no one to keep him company except his ax and his spoiled leftovers, again, just like every year. He was only known as a chopper, and all he was was a chopper. Not a parent, not lover, not a person worth caring about. Day in, day out, his life was consumed with chopping, each chip taken from the tree was also a chip taken from his soul. Late at night, two days before Christmas, fate dealt John his final stroke of bad luck, as the John's careless chopping landed the tree on top of him. He didn't move to the great beyond however, as chopping was all he knew. He remained here, doing the only thing that he trusted in this world; chopping. But everyday he would see others enjoying the life he never had, passing the trees hand-in-hand with a loved one, admiring the of the beauty of the forest instead of seeing the endless, hopeless toil it brought to John's life. Why couldn't John enjoy the life others had so disgustingly took for granted. Forced to witness this day after day he went mad from the jealousy, concluding that it would only be justice if he were to so heartlessly end their lives like his has ended. To this day the anger burns harsher than ever inside him, landing fallen trees onto those who so easily went through life without a care. So whenever you walk through the forest, be careful to look out for a ghostly ax swishing through the air, it may be the last thing you see. (returns to his regular voice) Good night! (falls asleep instantly)

Luigi: (looks up the tree leering over him) ...Pfft. That's stories not true... Is it? (searches the air for any mysterious axes) Tim, that... that story isn't true is it?

Tim: (mumbles incoherently as he turns over in the wet grass)

Luigi: (slowly lowers himself onto the ground, still keeping out a wary eye)

_The next morning_

Tim: (flutters his eyelids as the bright sunshine hits his eyes) Mmmm... (yawns as he stretches his arms outward) You'd think fresh grass would be better bedding. How'd you sleep Luigi?

Luigi: (wakes up with bags under his eyes, one of which is blackened. He also had very bruised cheeks to round it all off)

Tim: Whoa, did the ugly stick fall off the tree and hit you?

Luigi: Shut up. I'd like to see how much sleep you'd get if you had nightmares about the killer chopper. (gets up from the ground, revealing his very soggy frontside covered with bits of bark)

Tim: (turns his attention towards his family members) How did you guys- AAAAAAH!

_Luigi turned to see what the excitement was about, and also exclaimed to see that what remained of Dexter's Dad was nothing but a heap of his clothes sprawled across the ground, blotched with red stains. Also, they saw fresh foot steps leading from Dexter's spot, starting out in small increments, but then suddenly began getting farther away from each other in large strides, as if he was chasing something. Or someone._

Tim: Oh no. Dad!

Luigi: You just had to give him ideas didn't you!

Tim: I didn't think he'd be **that** hungry! Oh man, why did I have to bring that up?

Luigi: (gets hit with a horrifying thought) Tim... He's still out there. (whispers in his ear) and he's going to get hungry again!

Tim: WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! If he can take down dad he's definitely going to take down a weenie like you!

Luigi: No way am I going out there!

Tim: WHY NOT??

Luigi: Because this is the only spot in the forest where I know he **isn't** right now! (clutches to the tree tightly)

Tim: But what if he comes back?

Luigi: I'll hit him with a stick! (breaks off a branch)

Tim: Well, he might not come back for awhile... (sits next to Luigi) Whatcha got there?

Luigi: My journal. In case I don't make it out I'm going to write down everything that happens so people will know how my cruel demise was met.

Tim: (looks over Luigi's shoulder to see him writing his 3rd sentence already. The first sentence read, "I am now writing this sentence". The second read, "Now I'm writing **this** sentence". All he jotted down for his third sentence so far was, "Now I'm writing this-".) ...Uh, you might want to focus on the more important details.

Luigi: Like what?

Tim: Like the fact that I'm starving! Draw me a pie.

Luigi: ...(hesitantly doodles a pie in the corner of the page)

Tim: (tears the page from the journal and eats it with out warning)

Luigi: AHH! You just ripped the first page of my final memoirs! How could you?? ...(discretely scribbles a chocolate sundae and eats it.) ...You know, it's not good, but it's not bad either.

Tim: Yep! Good ol' mediocrity, just like home cooking!

Luigi: I'm feeling a bit peckish for some lobster, how 'bout you? (fiddles with the pen playfully)

Tim: (raising his eyebrows up and down)With extra butter?

Luigi: (draws a lobster with a enormous amount of butter slathered over it)

Tim: Why are you slathering actual butter onto the paper?

Luigi: Because slathering is a fun word to say. And I found it by the car. (points over his shoulder to the car with the window broken into)

Tim: Woah! What happened?

Luigi: (attempts to talk with buttered paper in his mouth, which he fails to do)

Tim: (walking over to the car) How didn't we see this earlier? Look, the driver's side window is smashed and everything! And there's marshmallow's everywhere.

Luigi: (swallowing his "lobster") _gulp _That doesn't explain how the butter got here though.

Tim: Hmmm (reaches through the broken window to unlock the door, and heads to the back row of the car) ...yep, just as I suspected. (comes back out) That was the butter we hid under the seat 2 years ago after the family reunion.

Luigi: You hid butter under your seat?

Tim: Well we were planning to throw it away later since some flies got stuck in it, and when cousin Derek hauked a loogie in it too. I guess we just forgot about it.

Luigi: (loses his lunch in the nearby berry bush)

Tim: Dude! Of all the bushes here you choose the one with something edible on it??

Luigi: (wipes the sick from his mouth) Ugh. No worries, those were fool's berries. They're a powerful laxative that looks like a regular berry, except for the braided stems.

Tim: Oh. How do you know so much about them?

Luigi: A horrible experience from summer camp. Mario kept insisting that they were- OH MAN! Mario's not back yet!

Tim: What if Dexter got him too?

Luigi: (starts cowering the fetal position) Oh man, OH MAN! We're not going to make it dude! We're going to die out here alone and afraid! There's been so much I haven't done in my life! I never even kissed a girl before! (cries uncontrollably)

Tim: (slaps Luigi very hard across the face) PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!! There has to be a way out of this! Alright, what have I learned from survival shows on the discovery channel?

Luigi: You watch those?

Tim: Yeah, I keep secretly hoping one of those idiots doesn't make it through the entire show. Needless to say I'm constantly disappointed. But if it's one thing I remember, it's that food is always in the last place you would think to look, like an anthill or old camel droppings.

Luigi: How about a grizzly bear attracted by the sweet stench of fear and fool's berries.

Tim: I suppose... but I would doubt (turns to see Luigi pinned to the ground by an aggressive grizzly) AAH! ...Luigi. Stay calm, and don't make any sudden mov-

Luigi: (screams loudly as his spazzs out from crippling fear)

Grizzly: (bares it's teeth in response, tightening it's determined stare)

Tim: HEY UGLY! (throws a rock at the bear's head)

Grizzly: (whips around to see Tim sticking his tongue at him and dancing in place)

Tim: Catch me if you can! (turns and sprints across the dirt patch)

Grizzly: (lunges after Tim)

_Luigi watched as the bear released him and gave chase to Tim. Unfortunately Toads were not granted the gift of having knees, and so the bear was on Tim before he even reached the nearest tree. Luigi never saw such a gruesome sight as the bears teeth gashed into Tim's back. He laid limp on the ground, red dribbling down his shirt. Luigi's mind was reeling. This couldn't be happening! Adrenaline took over, his legs carrying him as far away as they could Luigi blindly ran through the forest. He didn't know how long he kept running. It could have been seconds, it could have been hours, Luigi wasn't exactly paying to much attention to what time it was at the moment. Sometime later, half gasping, half crying, he slowed to a stop and fell onto the dirt floor of the woods miles away from the car. His body was useless now, too weak to move from hunger and restlessness. As his heavy eyelids came to a close, Luigi hoped he would open them again._

_Hours Later_

Ukiki: (carrying a large armful of bananas.) Ooh-Ooh EEE! (_These Bananas gonna be good!)_ (turns to see Luigi on the ground) ...HEEEEEEEE!! (_Intruder!!)_

Ukikis came bounding through the forest, dropping their daily chores to aid the screams of the banana collecting Ukiki. One by one they appeared from behind the trees.

Ukiki #2: Ooh Ooh AH! _(what happened??)_

Ukiki #1: ah-ah-AH! Eee-ooh? _(I just found this thing on the ground. Do you think it's hostile?)_

Ukiki #3: Ooooh... Ooh-eee-eee? _(I'm not sure. Should we throw a rock at it?)_

Ukiki #1, 2, and 4: (answer the question by throwing rocks at Luigi)

Luigi: OW! (gets up in an instant, looking frantically to see what attacked him) WHO DID THAT?? (sees the 4 Ukikis blankly staring at him) It was you wasn't it! DON'T DENY IT!!

Ukiki #1: ...Ooh-ah? _(what'd he say?)_

Luigi: YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU!!

Ukiki: #4: Ah-ah? _(Does anyone have a clue what he's saying?)_

Ukiki #1: Eee-ooh ooh-ah _(No. I've never seen someone like him)_

Luigi: STOP MAKING THOSE ANNOYING MONKEY SOUNDS!!

Ukiki #2: Ah eee-eee-eee _(I wish we knew what was troubling him so.)_

Ukiki #3: Ooh ah-ah eee- (gets knocked out by a thrown rock)

Luigi: YEAH! Let's see how you like getting hit by rocks! Don't like it do you?

Ukiki #2: (stares intensely at Luigi) ...(whistles loudly using that weird two fingers in your mouth technique that no one knows how to do except mastermind monkeys in disguises, walking among us. Watching. Planning...)

_And with that whistle armored Ukikis revealed themselves from behind the leaves of the trees surrounding Luigi. Perched on this high branches, each one held a rock in it's hand, ready to throw. They waited for Luigi to make the first move. Which was naturally to run away screaming like a girl._

Luigi: (gets pelted by rocks as he runs through the forest, each tree seeming to have it's own throw-happy Ukiki) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Ukiki #3: Ooh-ooh ah-ah... _(that takes care of that)_

Luigi: (continues running through the forest, praying that he would find any sign of civilization) Come on! This forest has to end somewhere! (trips on a tree root) Ugh! (slowly gets up, brushing the dirt off of his clothes, although it was pointless as his clothes were torn and tathered) I don't see how this can get any worse!

??: Oh, hello Luigi.

Luigi: (feeling every hair on the back of his neck stand on end at the sound of his voice) Oh no.

??: I haven't seen you in quite a while Luigi. How have you been?

Luigi: (realizing that the tree that tripped him was the very one that he slept under the night before) Don't play nice, I know what you're doing! So don't try anything funny! (looks to see Tim's body is gone) Where's Tim!?

??: Oh, Tim and I did lunch. Why don't you join him?

Luigi: (Musters up the courage to look him in the eye) Not hungry, Dexter.

Dexter: (with his tummy bulging out, signifying he has eaten very well) Oh? And what have you had to eat so far Luigi, soggy marshmallows? There's better food to be had you know. Why not come over?

Luigi: (backing away) No thank you, got all I need right here. (brings out his journal, showing that he still had a few pages left for food) Looks like you'll be dining with someone else tonight! (throws a rock at Dexter. It misses, but at least it distracts a shocked Dexter long enough for Luigi to make his escape.)

Dexter: LUIGI! WAIT!

_Dexter's voice faded quickly. This time Luigi made sure not to run around in circles blindly. He wasn't going to fall victim to Dexter today, which actually wouldn't be a problem since the stars were starting to come out._

Luigi: (eating his dinner of college ruled paper) Ugh. My legs can't get any farther. Oh well, Dexter's stubby legs won't get here until morning anyway. (rips out another piece) But still, I better get moving in a few minutes, no way I'm taking chances out here.

Ukikki: (strolls casually through the forest until he spots Luigi) ...OOH! OOH!

Luigi: Oh great!

Armored Ukikkis: (pop out of the trees with rocks in hand)

Luigi: ...mommy.

_The next thing Luigi knew he was waking up on the ground with bruises everywhere and a fat lip, and was stinging from rock related injuries in his... everywhere._

Luigi: ... (_sighs)_ I hate this place. (sees his journal, with only one blank page left) ...Almost out of food too. Could this possibly get any better?

Dexter: (in the far distance) Luigi! Are you here? Come on out Luigi!

Luigi: AHH! He can't be here already! W-what if I don't make it?... (grabs his journal and starts writing) I might be the only survivor left, and this may be my final entry, as I have eaten all the other pages for nourishment. If you come across this Journal please let this be known to the world. To Mario, if he is alive, tell him that I always loved him, even when he would bury my inhaler in the yard. To Peach, I was the one who licked your cake on your twelfth birthday, and I have no regrets about that. To Waluigi, I still hate you. And to Daisy. I always-

Grizzly Bear: (appears over the top of a nearby bush and lands in front of Luigi baring it's sharp teeth)

Luigi: (screams, flinging his journal into the air as he stretches his arms over his head and sprints through the forest. To slow the bear he leaped over the bush he came so the bear would have to take time to turn around and prepare to leap. Which only took 1.3 seconds.)

Grizzly Bear: (Begins closing the gap between him and Luigi, but stops abruptly right when he was only steps for severing Luigi's limbs)

Luigi: (turns his head in confusion, only realizing why the bear stopped when he sprints over the edge of a cliff) What the- YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

End Flashback

_Luigi flailed in the air, hoping to somehow reverse gravity, but all was lost. He was going to hit the paralyzing cold of the water below and possibly be torn to pieces on impact. Luigi closed his eyes and thought about the last thing he was going to write in that journal, and soon felt a hard thud against his body. Then he felt nothing._

* * *

**Kind of a bummer right? Everyone being picked off one by one like a bad horror movie? But it's not as bad as it seems, sometimes you just need a different perspective on things. After all, there are two sides to every story.**


	15. Kitty Umbrellas

**WARNING: If you have not read previous chapter (check wether you did or not!) then do so immediately, because this chapter is going to retell the story from another point of veiw, and to get the most out of it you'll want to read the story in it's original telling. Things are never as bad as they seem as this chapter goes to show.**

_

* * *

Mario was happily dreaming in his warm, soft bed surrounded by heavy quilts and puffy pillows. The last thing Mario wanted to do was get out of bed, which of course meant he had to use the bathroom very badly. Cold tile met Mario's bare foot. Trying to ignore it, Mario trudged to the bathroom. He could feel the bags under his eyes._

Mario: (slams the door behind him)

Luigi: (coming upstairs fully dressed and ready to go) Jeez Mario, why are you so moody today?

Bathroom door: ...(emits the sound of a toilet flushing, and then opens to reveal a glaring Mario)

Luigi: If this is about the belch-off then I guess you'll just have to get over it. You should be happy to get to go camping on such a nice day. (pulls the blinds open to let the sunshine pour into the room)

Mario: (blocks out the blinding sun from his eyes) _Hisssssss..._

Luigi: Now get your stuff ready, we leave at lunch time.

_Mario looked at the clock which read 11:48am. Plenty of time to get ready, so he jumped back into his cozy bed and went back to sleep. Well, almost._

Parakarry: MAIL CALL!!

Mario: (throws his pillow across the room in frustration and gets ready for the day)

Luigi: Hey Parakarry, what's new?

Parakarry: The guys and I are going on a fishing trip this weekend.

Luigi: Well that's a coincidence, Mario and I are going camping with the neighbors this weekend.

Parakarry: I was just talking about that with your neighbor, I never thought of you as the outdoors-y type. Especially since you have your own curling iron-

Luigi: Ssshh! You said you were keeping that secret between us! You know it's the only way to style the back of my head the way I like...

Parakarry: (watches as Luigi strokes his back curls) By the way, he told me to remind you that you're bring the "mallows".

Luigi: I thought I was bringing the camp food... (points towards the food he spent all morning preparing) I slaved over a hot stove all morning!

Parakarry: Well he said something about you and food, so I'm assuming that it's to tell you not to. He wouldn't need to remind you to do something you already did it, after all.

Luigi: I guess so. Well it looks like this is going in the garbage disposal then. (snaps his fingers)

Mario: (walks over to Luigi with a blank stare)

Luigi: (steps on Mario's left foot, and begins to shovel the leftovers into Mario's now open mouth)

Mario: (after being given the last of the leftovers, closes his mouth and begins shaking violently as the sound of a blender on "high" going off is heard)

Luigi: This is why I keep him around the house.

Mario: (stops shaking and gives off a quick burp, then makes his exit)

Parakarry: Well see ya when you get back! (dons a fisher's hat and strolls away)

Luigi: (walks into the kitchen to retrieve the bag of marshmallows they kept in handy in case of such an emergency) Alright, you ready Mario?

Mario: (walks in nodding)

Luigi: Where's your gear?

Mario: (pulls out a pair of whitey tighties from his back pocket stretches the elastic as if to say, "I got everything I need")

Luigi: Oh come on Mario, you aren't going to bring anything else?

Mario: ...(looks around the room for anything he might need, and after spotting it on the table, takes the mPhone and gives it to Luigi along with his undies)

Luigi: (sighs and throws the stuff in with the rest of the camping gear) Well, we got 3 minutes until we leave, do you need to do anything else before we go?

Mario: (remembering he had a final goodbye to make, runs upstairs)

Luigi: (watches Mario come back down the stairs, hugging and gently stroking his Belch-off championship belt. His blubbering face was pressed longingly against the polished bronze) You can't be serious. (hears the doorbell ring) Hold on. (opens the door to see two Toads wearing tuxedos and dark shades standing at the door)

Toads in Black: We're here to retrieve the Belch-off championship belt for this year's competition.

Mario: (slowly hands his belt over to the belt retrievers, but not before giving it one last, passionate kiss.)

Toads in Black: Thank you sir. Glad too see you've still learned you lesson from last year when we had to retrieve it the "hard way". (leaves with Mario's "preshhhhhhhh-cious".)

Mario: (with tears welling up in his eyes, waves goodbye)

_Luigi couldn't help but notice that the belt's strap was waving wildly in the wind as if it too was waving good bye. Weird since there wasn't any wind. But Luigi didn't have time to contemplate such things, as Dexter, Tim, and Dexter's Dad pulled up and honked the car's horn loudly._

Luigi: Hey! We'll be over in a minute! (turns towards Mario) ...Do you need a moment alone?

Mario: (nods his head sadly)

Luigi: (grabs everything they needed for the trip, and heads for the car with an armful of camping gear)

_Mario slipped away to the bathroom, and cried, sobbed, wept, blubbered, sniffled. He then had a cow, a coronary, and half a mind to write an angry letter to the chairman of the belch-off. Finally he threw a fit, a tantrum, and most of the items in the bathroom. Then he cried some more. All in 4 seconds. Mario's blurred vision was still clear enough to see his pathetic reflection in the mirror. Was this weeping abomination the face of the mushroom kingdom's savior? Of course not! Mario regained control of his emotions by slapping himself across the face. That seems to work with most people for some reason. Soon his sadness turned into hatred for Luigi. Why couldn't that crybaby just take a night lite for Toadsworth's sake? There was only one thing to do._

Luigi: (wedging the final lawn chair between the sleeping bags and the fondue set) I think that's it!

Dexter's Dad: Where's Mario?

Luigi: I don't- Oh! There he is. What's up Ma... (ends his greeting as he receives possibly the dirtiest glare he had ever seen) ...you're not going to let me have fun are you?

Dexter: I know I'm going to! I can't wait to go camping, It's gonna be so much fun!

Dexter's Dad: Are we ready to go?

Luigi: Yep. (climbs into the back seat, followed by a stone-faced Mario) Hey Tim, what are you reading?

Tim: "Lord of the Flies". It's a bit slow at first but the second half is where it gets good.

_Mario remembered having to read that book for school, and for a split second gave an uneasy look towards Tim as the child bursted with laughter from finishing another chapter. But he quickly refocused on his main goal for the weekend; to glare at Luigi until he apologized for ripping his loved one away from him. How he had loved his belt, the way it glinted in the sun. It's ridiculously long adjustable belt that was perfect for thanksgiving. The very fact that it's presence put Mario another notch above all else. He was so lost in his beautiful memories that he was only snapped out of it when the car started to bounce erratically. He prayed that his face remained stone cold on the trip._

Car: (finally rolls to a stop)

Dexter's Dad: (turns towards the passengers) Here we are, our camping spot for the weekend. (gets out of the car, motioning for everyone else to follow)

Luigi: (getting out of the car with everyone else) How can you tell, every 10 feet of the forest looks the same.

Dexter's Dad: I know this is our destination by the fact that the car's out of gas.

Mario: (turns towards Dexter's dad with bugged-out eyes, mouth agape in shock)

Luigi: WHAT?! You stranded us in the middle of nowhere!!

Dexter: Shouldn't we be at Camp Takawaki??

Dexter's Dad: You mean that baby camp? Heck no! We're roughing it like men this weekend, relying only on our survival instincts. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Luigi: ...NO!

Mario: (watches as everyone starts questioning what could be the dumbest man Mario ever had the "pleasure" of knowing. But Dexter's dad didn't seem worried at all, walking to his trunk and getting the camping gear. Maybe there's a chance he knew what he was doing.)

Dexter's Dad: No need for this. (tosses the camping gear into the raging waters of the nearby river)

Mario: (screams with everyone else)

Dexter: You just threw 400 dollars worth of camping gear into the river??

Dexter's Dad: Didn't I just say we're roughing it? I threw away all but the necessary. Food, water, and the clothes on our back.

Luigi: Hey Mario, wasn't your wi-fi enabled mPhone in the tent? The one with our vacation photos?

_Mario's brain became overloaded at that point, and his body dropped to the ground. He had lost the only photos of his vacation along with that phone. But it was more than just an album of a celebratory getaway, it was the documentation of Mario's first week with his championship belt. The thought of never seeing his favorite photograph again (Mario and his belt watching the sun set on the beach hand-in-hand (or rather, hand-in-adjustable belt.)) led Mario to weep helplessly on the ground. Nothing was going to help him get over what could've been his greatest loss._

Dexter's Dad: Speaking of feverish eating habits, who's hungry for some dinner?

Mario: (gets off the ground in an instant, forgetting he ever had the stupid belt.)

Dexter's Dad: I see we have a taker! Alright, what'd you guys bring for food?

Luigi: We just got marshmallows for the s'mores. What did you guys bring?

Dexter's Dad: Um, we were the designated s'more bringers.

Luigi: No, we were definitely told to bring the s'more supplies.

Dexter's Dad: Why would I tell you to bring s'more stuff when I'm bringing s'more stuff!

Luigi: But-

Dexter's Dad: No time for arguments now. I doesn't matter whose fault you idiotically think it is, what matters is that 4 bags of marshmallows cannot sustain us for more than 36 hours, and we must find food. Who's desperate enough to volunteer?

Everyone: ...

Mario: (feels the uneasy feeling of his stomach grumbling)

Dexter's Dad: Thanks for volunteering Mario! Now, follow the tire tracks through the woods and see if I managed to hit anything on the way. (pushes a reluctant Mario along the tire tracks)

Mario: (grumpily begins walking down the path of destruction left by Dexter's Dad. He followed the convenient tire tracks left by the speeding car. A thought occurred to Mario about 5 minutes into his trudging, "why not just follow the tire tracks out of here and back to the road"? An ingenious plan indeed if not for one snag)

Rain: (begins to sprinkle, quickly followed by showering, and then turning into a downright wall of water. Soon the wet grass was matted under the weight of the rain, removing all trace of Dexter's Dad's wild romp through the forest.)

Mario: (takes shelter under a pine tree to little avail. His clothes were sopping wet within the hour. He would've laid down to sleep if not for the fear of the forest flooding and drowning him in his slumber. So elephant-style he slept.)

_Hours later_

Parakarry: (carrying a hello kitty umbrella over his head) You guys sure this doesn't look stupid?

Mike (AKA Buff Koopa from chapters 10 and 12): (risks a quick glance at the umbrella) No, it looks... nice.

Parakarry: Seriously guys, I'm only using this because it's raining and I found it left in the back seat by my neice!

Kooper: No really, it's... pretty.

Parakarry: You guys are only saying that. I can tell.

Kooper: (trying to cheer up his friend) Well it's kinda pretty in a way-

Parakarry: (suddenly turns on Kooper) DON'T YOU **EVEN**! YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME IT'S PRETTY! (gives him the stink eye and bares his teeth)

Kooper: (stuttering) uh... uh...

Mike: Hey guys, it stopped raining.

Parakarry: (looking skyward) Really? Thank god. (tosses the umbrella to the side, looking for his hand sanitizer) Now if I can just get the cooties off of me we can-

Mike: Hey guys, it's Mario!

Parakarry: What? (sees Mario sleeping upright.) No way, how does he know about our fishing spot?

Kooper: I don't think he's here to fish.

Parakarry: Why not? These grounds are only valuable for their fishing spots. Only an idiot would bother to come here if he wasn't fishing. (walks over to the plumber and slaps him on the shoulder in a buddy-buddy manner) Hey M-dog, how ya been?

Mario: (groggily turns towards Parakarry with sleepy eyes)

Parakarry: Well come on Rip Van Winkle, let's get to fishin'. (hands Mario a pole)

Mike: Yeah guys, it's almost sun up. We better get a move on.

Mario: (looks up at the twinkling sky, the sun's light barely visible over the forested horizon. He was about to leave on his own before he remembered he didn't know the way, and if Mario knew one thing, it was to never run blindly through the forest. That was always idiot mistake number one.)

Kooper: Hey Mario, you coming or what?

Mario: (Mario followed. They obviously knew the way through the forest, so it would only make sense to follow them. Unfortunately, Mario's burning calfs wouldn't exactly agree 4 miles later)

Parakarry: Nothing like a 4 mile hike to get the blood going eh guys?

Mario: (drops to his knees in pain as he receives his 3rd Charlie Horse)

Mike: (lifts a wimping Mario into his bulking arms and continues hiking with the others.)

Parakarry: Jeez man, that's the 7th walking related injury this hour! How 'bout you man up?

Mario: (stops crying at the sound of Parakarry's query. Parakarry wasn't looking at him, so behind his back Mario moved his head and his pointed finger back and forth in a "Oh no you didn't" fashion.)

Kooper: (carrying the entire group's load of tents, poles, lawn chairs, and ice chests) Hoof... hey guys... who's that? (points towards a tree with 2 slumbering toads, 1 sleeping plumber and a heap of clothing)

Mario: (after taking a moment to recognize who it was, leaps from Mike's arms and runs over to his brother, with the others following. Mario had to tell Luigi he had found them help.)

Kooper: (arrives last due to his heavy load) Guys... I can't do this anymore... (drops everything except for a compass in his right hand for directions, an ax in his left hand for chopping fire wood, and rope wrapped around his left arm for hanging the fish from)

Luigi: (finally arouses from much violent shaking from his brother) Okay, okay, I'm getting up mom! Just gimme 5 more minutes... (rubs his eyes and looks through his bleary vision to his mustachioed brother.) (drowsily) Oh hey Mario. What's up? (turns to see Kooper with an ax in hand.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! (wide-eyed and still screaming, begins to run around in circles) JOHN WHITAKER'S GOING TO KILL ME! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! HE'S GOING TO CHOP DOWN THIS TREE UNTIL HE KI- (runs at full speed into the aforementioned tree and passes out)

Mario: (Flips Luigi over to see he has a black eye and a hole ripped in his good shirt. Try as he might, Mario couldn't get his brother to wake up again, no matter how hard he slapped his cheeks.)

Parakarry: Forget it Mario, we can get him in the morning. (hears the loud crash of glass shattering behind him) What the heck?

Mike: (who had punched a hole in the driver's side window) Sorry, I just really like marshmallows. (pulls out a bag of the sugary goodness).

Parakarry: (sighs) Come on, let's just get going.

_Mario reluctantly continued on his way. But before he left he saw a bush brimming with red berries nearby and picked some for his brother to eat in the morning. Not wanting them to get dirty, he placed the pile onto the heap of clothing and caught up with the others. Parakarry assured him the spot wasn't much farther and that Luigi would be there in the morning. Actually it was only a 3 minute walk to the fishing spot to Mario's surprise. But as they approached closer, something else would take them by surprise._

Parakarry: And then he was spewing eggnog all over our new carpet!

Kooper: Wow, that must've sucked.

Parakarry: Are you kidding, it was the best family reunion ever! Though it barely edges out the year Hugh went dirtbiking with us in '04.

Kooper: We've heard that one before Parakarry. "Blood everywhere" I believe you told us.

Mike: I thought that was '03.

Parakarry: You sure, because '04 was the year that- AAAAAAAAAAHH!

Everyone: (screams in shock and horror at the sight of what was in front of them.)

Dexter's Dad: (quickly dives behind a nearby bush) Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!

Parakarry: (covering his now damaged eyes) DUDE! WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!

Dexter's Dad: I can't sleep with clothes on since I get all sweaty. And I didn't want my sons to wake up in the middle of the night and see me, so I slept behind a bush a couple yards away. But now I can't find where the others are again!

Parakarry: Kooper, give the man some pants!

Kooper: (covering his eyes like everyone else) But I'll have to look at him!

Parakarry: Just do it! I respect the others too much to ask them such a thing.

Kooper: And what exactly does **that** mean?

Parakarry: That we unanimously decided that in the situation of none of us wanting to look at another man's birthday suit in the middle of the woods that you would be the designated pants giver.

Kooper: When did you decide that??

Parakarry: When you didn't come to the meeting last Friday! NOW GIVE THE MAN SOME PANTS!!

Kooper: (sighs, reaches for a pair of pants from the pile and tosses them towards the bush)

Dexter's Dad: (donning the trousers) Thanks... Okay, you can open your eyes now.

Everyone: (hesitates to lower their vision protecting hands, but then gives a sigh of relief to see he had successfully donned the trousers indeed.)

Parakarry: Alright, can we get some fishing done now?

Everyone: (Cheers in agreement and heads for the spot)

_Everyone turned the corner in anticipation to see the fabled fishing spot. The trees thinned out to reveal a white beach leading to the face of an enormous cliff, about 50 feet tall. But there were two other people there._

McHallyBoo: Hmmm... it's an interesting choice, but I think we could do better.

Krisetchers: Well it doesn't matter what you think Mr. "I have to look at everything like it's a piece of art because I know so much about pretty pictures".

McHallyBoo: I do have a masters in the arts you know.

Krisetchers: I know! You've told us countless times.

McHallyBoo: I still don't see why we need to use this location as our opener though.

Parakarry: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE??

Krisetchers and McHallyBoo: (turn to see a frustrated Parakarry)

Parakarry: This is a private fishing location only I and my friends know about! We've already claimed it, so get lost. (sits on the ground refusing to move)

McHallyBoo: What are you talking about? This isn't private.

Parakarry: Uh, yeah it is! We've come here every year for the past decade and not once did we see anyone else around here. You know why, because it's SECRET!

Krisetchers: If it's so secret why did they build a cabin hotel over there?

Parakarry: ...(whips around to see a large hotel sitting behind him on not 200 yards away) What the-?

Krisetchers: If anything you're trespassing. Now leave us alone, we're doing business. As I was saying...

_As Krisetchers explained to McHallyBoo that the hotel would only give them the sponsor if they featured their hotel in the opener, Parakarry continued to look back and forth between his "secret" spot and the capitalistic business of sheltering placed smack dab right on top of it. But he didn't have long to gawk however._

Mike: Uh-oh, here they come.

Security guard: Sir, are you a guest of the cheep-cheep hotel? Because if you're not I will have to remove you from the premises.

Parakarry: Uh, yeah. We're guests here.

Security guard: Oh really? (rolls out a long sheet of paper) Under what name?

Parakarry: ...John A. Smith?

Security guard: WRONG! (bends leg into the punt position in preparation for the mighty "kick you off the premises")

Mike: Wait! What if we get a room?

Security guard: (lowers his leg in contemplation) ...I suppose. But make it snappy!

Kooper: On it! (flees with the others to the hotel's lobby)

Parakarry: You guys go ahead, I'm going to fish like I planned to do! (sits down with a pole and casts his line.)

Krisetchers: Dude, why are you so against this spot?

McHallyBoo: I just think we could start out the season a bit nicer than a giant rock! What's so special about their sponsorship anyways?

Krisetchers: (leans over and whispers a number into McHallyBoo)

McHallyBoo: (stunned silence) ...Are they really giving us that much?

Krisetchers: Yep.

McHallyBoo: (getting excited) Dude, that's almost twice as much as all the other sponsors combined! For that much I'd be fine shooting the entire season on the cliff alone! Do you know how much we can do with that production value?

Krisetchers: Now you see why we're so excited about this location?

McHallyBoo: Heck yeah! What are you guys gonna do here?

Krisetchers: ...Well, that's where we kinda hit a snag.

Parakarry: (growing quickly tired of their pointless conversation, Parakarry chose a spot farther away from them out of earshot. It was a good thing he moved though.)

Dexter: (walks out of the woods rubbing his rear end and crying)

Parakarry: (turns towards Dexter with concern) Uh-oh. What's the matter kid, you lose your mommy?

Dexter: (sniffling) No. It was worse than that.

Flashback: (shows Dexter sleeping under the tree)

Dexter: (wakes up with a horrible pain in his stomach) Ugh... I can't take this anymore! (rolls over to see the berries Mario left) (Gasps, then looks around to see who left them) ...Well, I'm sure whoever left these wouldn't mind if I had one or two. (grabs 5 berries in each hand and shoves them into his mouth) Mmmmm... This is so good! (grabs more and more berries, squeezing the juice out of them with the force of his grabbing) Mmm... That hits the spot. (eventually eats all the berries and pats his happy belly) Aaah, that's the ticket. _Burp_. (gets up with a cheery smile and starts to walk towards a bush with more berries to eat).

Dexter's Stomach: (gives off a horrendous growl)

Dexter: What was that? ...OH MAN! Where's the bathroom?? (dashes off into the distance, followed by the sound of a zipper and a lot of screaming)

End Flashback

Parakarry: Oh my gosh! You ate 30 fool's berries??

Dexter: (with a painful grimace, nods his head) Yeah. I've been rubbing and waddling for hours since.

_The poor kid. Parakarry led him to the hotel and found him the buffet. He was obviously hungry. Of course he saw Mario there. He told Mario about Dexter (who was munching on delicious bread sticks) and that it was very likely the others were awake as well. Tossing aside his plate of deep fried drumsticks, Mario followed Parakarry eagerly to the campsite. Unfortunately they would see a gruesome sight._

Parakarry: I think that's the tree over there. But I'm not sure if I see- OHMIGOSH! There's a grizzly pinning your brother to the ground!

Mario: (stands strait up when he sees a large man-eating bear baring his teeth at his wimpering brother.)

Parakarry: Dude, your brother's done for. Wait a minute, (sees Tim hit the bear with a rock) now he's going after the other one! Run little dude! ...(flinches with Mario as the tackles the small child to the ground and digs his teeth through Tim's jacket.) Oooh...

Luigi: (seems to shocked to move until he makes a break for it screaming and running in the opposite direction.)

Mario: (after watching his brother leave, returns his attention quickly back to Tim lying motionless on the ground. The bear was about to take another bite of it's victory lunch when it suddenly paused with a perplexed look on it's face. But then a sound made everything clear.)

Grizzly's Stomach: (emits a horrible rumbling)

Grizzly: (clutches it's stomach in panic and flees into the woods)

Tim: (after a moment's pause, lifts his head to check if the bear is still there, and gets up as if nothing happened.)

Parakarry: (rushing over to aid the child who bore a strong resemblance to Dexter) Hey kid! You alright?

Tim: What? Oh, (fishes a branch out of the new hole made in the back of his shirt) I'm fine. He just ate a bunch of **these** babies. (shows the ripped stems of the fool's berry branch)

Parakarry: Wow, smart kid!

Mario: (catches up with the others still catching his breath)

Tim: MARIO?! Where have you been? We thought Dexter ate you!

Parakarry and Mario: (exchange confused glances)

Parakarry: Uh, eaten?

Tim: Well yeah, he already ate Dad. (points towards the heap of clothes still stained with red.)

Parakarry: (wipes one of the red blotches and tastes his finger) ...Oh yeah, that's the tartness of a fool's berry. There was this Dexter kid saying he ate them earlier.

Tim: You guys found my brother? Where is he?

Parakarry: Back at the "We don't care how much this spot means to you" hotel. Mario and I'll take you.

Mario: (looks longingly at the spot in the trees where his brother disappeared)

Parakarry: Don't even think about it Mario. One wrong turn here and you're a goner.

Tim: So how are we going to find Luigi? That fraidy cat could be anywhere now.

Parakarry: (deep in thought) the only safe place to go is here and the hotel because the way back to the car is too dangerous to go alone. And something tells me Mario isn't leaving without his brother.

Tim: Well what if we worked in shifts? One person could wait here for awhile and look for him while the others stay at the hotel.

Parakarry: GENIUS! You have smarts kid. Now who wants to wait first?

Mario: (shoots his hand up first.)

Parakarry: Alright, first position is yours. I'll be back in an hour to change shifts with you.

Mario: (gives him a thumbs up and takes his seat under the tree)

Parakarry: And you come with me. It looks like you could use a buffet.

Tim: (rubbing his stomach) Heck yeah!

_Parakarry took Tim to the buffet, where he met up with his brother and shirtless father. Parakarry then resumed his fishing, determined to catch a fish by the end of the weekend with the burning intensity of a thousand supernovas going off at once. For the first minute that is. By the 3__rd__ minute he was slumped in his chair asleep. _

Parakarry: (snoring loudly) ...(drools onto his favorite shirt) ...(bores the reader with absolutely no actions to describe except the occasional head bobbing that happened when he leaned too far over) ...

Bobber: ...(gets dragged below the water)

Parakarry: (snaps awake has his rod starts bouncing with the fish's tugging) Wha? OH BABY! WE GOT OURSELVES A FIGHTER! (grabs the rod and gives a hard yank to start the epic struggle between man and fish)

Line: (snaps on the first tug, letting the fish get away with a free meal)

Parakarry: ...(slumps into his chair) Dang it. Why do people fish anyways. (takes a look at his watch) 8:55!! I'm late for my shift! (dashes into the forest)

Tim: (fiddling with his fingers) ...(sees Parakarry run up)

Parakarry: (catches his breath after the sprint over to the tree) _huff... huff..._ whew. Your shift's over kid.

Tim: Finally! I had to cover your shift! (gets up from the tree and heads to the hotel)

Parakarry: Alright. Waiting for Luigi... who isn't here yet... alone... in the wilderness... with bears... and no defensive weapon of any sort... at all...

_minutes later_

Dexter: (being pushed through the forest by Parakarry) Are you sure Mario wanted me to watch for Luigi? I just had my shift end over an hour ago!

Parakarry: Yeah. He requested for you personally. Now go wait by the tree and lemme fish. (shoves Dexter to the tree trunk.)

Dexter: Does my Dad even know I'm here?

Parakarry: As far as you know. Later! (walks back to the beach.)

Dexter: Man, this is gonna be so boring! (glances around the area) ...Ooh! Someone left some butter!

Luigi: (trips on a root on the other side of the tree) Ugh! (slowly gets up, brushing the dirt off of his clothes, although it was pointless as his clothes were torn and tathered) I don't see how this can get any worse!

Dexter: (excited) Oh, hello Luigi! I haven't seen you in quite a while. How have you been?

Luigi: Don't play nice, I know what you're doing! So don't try anything funny! And where's Tim!?

Dexter: (slightly confused by Luigi's behavior) Oh, Tim and I did lunch. (remembering he went back for seconds) Why don't you join him?

Luigi: Not hungry, Dexter.

Dexter: (trying to convince him) Oh? And what have you had to eat so far Luigi, soggy marshmallows? There's better food to be had you know. Why not come over?

Luigi: No thank you, got all I need right here. (brings out his journal, showing that he still had a few pages left for food) Looks like you'll be dining with someone else tonight! (throws a rock at Dexter)

Dexter: AAH! (ducks, barely dodging the rock) LUIGI! WAIT! (watches as Luigi disappears between the tree trunks) What the heck is his problem?

_At the beach_

McHallyBoo: ...What if we made them rock climb?

Krisetchers: Boring. Who wants to watch people struggle with a sabot for half an hour?

McHallyBoo: Well I don't see you coming up with any bright ideas.

Krisetchers: ...what if we had a sand sculpture contest?

McHallyBoo: (stares at Krisetchers incredulously)

Parakarry: Would you two shut up?? You're scaring the fish away! Jeez...

Dexter: (bursts from the woods) Parakarry, where's Mario?

Parakarry: HEY! What are you doing from your post?

Dexter: I just saw Luigi!

Mario: (is seen in the distance bursting through the doors of the hotel and racing over to Dexter in excitement)

Parakarry: You found Luigi? Well why are we just- I GOT A BITE! COME ON BABY! (tugs on the newly bought and reinforced line) YOU'RE MINE TODAY!

Fishing Pole: (snaps in half)

Parakarry: ...(gradually goes from on a quiet wimper to a violent sob)

Mario: (ignores the crying paratroopa and drags Dexter towards the woods)

Security guard: (suddenly leaps out from his hiding spot and puts a hand up to Mario's face) Where do you think you're going?

Dexter: We were going into the forest to-

Security Guard: No can do! No guests are allowed to enter the woods after night fall. Whatever you need to do can wait until sunrise.

Dexter: But why?

Guard: Because how easily can you defend against a charging animal when you can't see your own hand in front of your face? We've already capped on this year's casualty limit and the last thing this hotel needs right now are more fees.

Dexter: Well is there a waiver we can sign?

Guard: Boy, do you have any idea what's in those woods? Cougars, hedgehogs, and bears.

Dexter: Oh my!

Mario: (rolls his eyes)

Guard: Did I mention they were Blue hedgehogs?

Mario: (the features on Mario's face sagged somewhat at this bit of info)

Guard: So if you want to get your face eaten off you're gonna have to go through me. (Rips his shirts to bits with the simple action of flexing his biceps.)

Dexter: (in amazement of the Gaurd's physique) You know that was physically impossible to do right?

Guard: With muscles like these you don't need to worry about physics.

Mario: (slowly trods off to bed with Dexter.)

Dexter: I'm sure he'll be there in the morning.

_Mario quietly retreated to the hotel in disappointment. They had been so close this time. Would Luigi's last memory of Mario really be the coldest glare Mario had ever given him? Against the rippling waves, and the hysterical crying of Parakarry, Mario could've sworn he heard the screams of his brother being pelted with rocks in the distance. How he missed that beautiful sound._

Mario: (slams his alarm clock before the first beep is finished and launches out of bed already dressed.)

Dexter: (wakes up from the loud slam) Huh? What's going on?

Mario: (points at the forest through the window, which Dexter knew too mean he was looking for Luigi now the sun was rising.)

Dexter: I'm coming too Mario. I think I lent him a 5 on the trip here. (chases after Mario.)

_An hour of searching later_

Dexter: Man this forest is thick! No wonder they didn't let us wander in the dark!

Mario: (nods in agreement, picking off another crumb from the bread and adding it to the trail of bread crumbs behind him.)

Dexter: LUIGI!! LUIGI, ARE YOU THERE? ...Nothing. I'm starting to think he might not even be in this forest anymore!

Mario: (sneaks another crumb into his mouth, and continues on his way)

Dexter: That was a really good idea of leaving a trail, otherwise I'd need a search party in this forest too.

Mario: (runs out of the first loaf, and switches over to the other)

Dexter: LUIGI! ARE YOU... BEAR!!

Mario: (for a second mistakes "bear" for "there" until he hears the mighty growl of a grizzly preparing to attack. He ducked in the nick of time, his hat knocked off by the ends of the bear's hair.)

Bear: (flies over a tall bush and lands on all fours)

Luigi: (with a shriek, flies over the bush, Dexter, and Mario and keeps running without taking note of the latter two.)

Bear: (takes immediate pursuit of Luigi)

Dexter: Was that Luigi??

_back at the cabin hotel's beach_

Krisetchers: Maybe we could-

McHallyBoo: FORGET IT! We're not going to come up with anything cool or exciting enough for the show here. We've been at this for days! DAYS!!

Krisetchers: But the **money**! There has to be something we can do.

McHallyBoo: What, you just want the answer to fall out of the sky and into your lap? I mean what are we supposed to do with a freaking CLIFF!

Luigi in the background: (Flies over the edge of the cliff tumbling) YAAAAAAAAAAAA- _kersploosh_.

McHallyBoo: (turns around in time to see the "kersploosh")...Woah.

Parakarry in his fishing spot: ..._ snore_ ...

Mario and Dexter: (reach the cliff's edge and peer into the water)

Dexter: Do you see him?

Mario: (searches the water frantically for his brother)

Parakarry: _snore_... (jolts awake) Wha? ...HEY! I GOT ANOTHER BITE! (Starts reeling in the line) COME ON BABY! BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY! (pulls up the last of the line to see his hook attached to Luigi's trousers)

Luigi: (coughs up water) _hack_ _cough wheeze_... Ugh... where am I?

Parakarry: Hmmmm... It might look nice over the fire place, but I think I should just throw it back.

Krisetchers: (runs over to Luigi) That's it! That's exactly what we were looking for! (starts shaking Luigi's hand)

McHallyBoo: The genius of it is it's simplicity! We have to put it in the show!

Luigi: Excuse me?

Krisetchers: Allow me to explain. I'm the executive producer of "The Mole: Traitor Aboard"-

McHallyBoo: And I'm the host-

Krisetchers: And for the past 2 days we've had the worst producer's block.

Luigi: Producer's Block? And let me down Parakarry! (gets lowered to the ground and is unhooked)

Krisetchers: You know, like writer's block. Anyways, we couldn't come up with anything-

McHallyBoo: But you were all like, "I'm going over the cliff" and we were like, "oh snap!" and you went like,"kasplooshy!" and we were all like, "Daaaaang!" and you were like, "I'm okay suckas" and we were like, "AWESOME!"-

Krisetchers: When we saw that someone could survive a stunt like that we knew we had to put it in the show!

McHallyBoo: And now we are! All thanks to you!

Krisetchers: Yeah! ...Hey uh, we still have a slot open for this season if you want to be a contestant. Maybe... Please?

Luigi: Is there a cash prize?

McHallyBoo: Duh.

Luigi: Will I be on T.V.?

Krisetchers: Yes.

Luigi: Will there be hot girls?

McHallyBoo: Ooooh Yeeeeah...

Luigi: Sign me up! (shakes Krisetchers' hand)

Mario: (runs out of the woods and hugs his brother)

Everyone on the beach: Awwwwww...

Luigi: Mario! You're alive! (returns the brotherly hug. Notices the hotel over Mario's shoulder) Do they have food there?

Mario: (nods his head and takes Luigi to the buffet table)

Luigi: Hey Mario, I guess you were right all along.

Mario: (gives Luigi a quizzical look)

Luigi: Camping sucks.

* * *

**I've actually been wanting to do something like this for a long time now, having two story line that interweave into one another. This one took a bit more planning than usual, but I'm very happy with the results.**

**Also, we have our third cameo appearance! Congrats to Krisetchers and his outstanding fanfic "The Mole: Traitor aboard" which is easily the best fanfic that you will ever read on this site. I honestly can ramble on for hours about the absolute genius of this fanfic, but I'll spare you the earbleeds and let you go ahead and read it. As usual just head to the reveiws section and click on his name to get to his profile. ****A word of caution however, make sure you have plenty time to spare because you'll get sucked in and will want to read it until the end. Seriously, check it out. You'll thank me later. I garauntee it.**

**Also, about the cameo itself, it was just my own little theory of how Luigi got to be a contestant on the show. It was just a fun little reference to the greatest Mario story I've read in a long, long time.**


	16. Hoagie Beatings

**This chapter is a request from Ripper22. "I think I may have an idea! Luigi is sick of losing all the time to everyone at everything, So, he decides to join Bowser, General Guy, Whoever, and becomes...A VILLAIN!! then, Mario and Luigi & Bowser fight!! Use the idea!!...please?"**

**Well my problem with this what that I never considered Luigi a sore loser. So with permission from Dr.Marth and Watch his motivation to turn evil will now come from not getting the respect he believes he deserves.**

**Also, shout outs to Shegal92 for editing this chapter. Now I don't have to do it! Ha ha. Alright, I've kept you waiting long enough.**

* * *

Luigi had been staring at the "Welcome to Starbeans" sign for fifteen minutes. He couldn't believe it was taking this long to get one coffee, but then again you should never underestimate a kingdom's need for crushed beans in hot water.

"Jeez, how long does it take to make one cup of coffee?" Luigi asked with boredom in his voice.

"At least it's not as bad as the one over there." the Toad in front of him pointed out.

Luigi glanced over to the 2nd Starbeans coffee shop they had built across the one already in the coconut mall. The line was even longer, and yet Toads waited patiently for their own double soy latte banana-bonanza-swirl mocha with extra whipped cream. A few feet to the left of the line he saw Mario exit the bathroom, wiping his wet hands on his pantlegs.

"They do have paper towels you know." Luigi informed Mario, stepping back to let him back in line.

Mario replied with a shrug as he resumed his position in line. Hoping to pass the time with conversation Luigi brought up the subject of the upcoming Golden Hammer Awards... for the 23rd time today.

"There's no doubt I'm winning the award for most honorable mention this year, so the only question is whether my speech will thank my parents or the academy first. Wait 'till you hear the opening joke!"

Mario loss what little interest he had in Luigi's speech as the percolating beans' scent invaded his nose. It was bad and good at the same time much like the drink itself. The Toad at the counter passed the double shot espresso to the customer, and said with a 12 coin an hour smile said, "Enjoy your drink ma'am. Next."

Luigi walked up to the counter. "I'd like your richest Colombian "beanspresso.""

"Right away sir. That'll be 24 coins."

"24 COINS??"

"I just read what the price sheet says sir." The toad then went to the coffee machine behind the counter and began filling one of the many sleeved cups with the frothy beverage. Luigi had a coronary.

"What gives you people the right to charge so much on coffee? Were these beans delivered upon the backs of an army of golden Pegasuses one by one from the heavens above? Was the water bottled at the tallest freshwater springs of the Alps and transported here via a rip in the space-time continuum?? Were lives risked in the making of this coffee?? "

"Hey, I don't know dude, I just work here." The cashier remarked as he set the cup on the counter.

Luigi squinted his eyes angrily, focusing every isotope of hatred in his being towards the employee of the exorbitant establishment, and pulled out his wallet. He dropped 24 coins on the table without breaking eye contact with the scammer, and swiped the hot beverage off the counter top without another word.

"...What's his problem?" asked the cashier as Mario walked up. "Wait a minute, you're Mario aren't you? That means you get our new hero's discount of 90 off all hot brewed beverages."

Luigi ran back to the counter. "Wait a minute! Why didn't you mention this "hero's discount" to me?"

"Uhh, I don't think you're eligible. The only thing you ever did was suck up ghosts with a vacuum in hopes of saving the brother you put in peril in the first place. Which reminds me...". The cashier snapped a photo of Mario without warning. By the time the red plumber's eyes refocused the cashier was extending his Hero's Membership card.

"He gets a card??"

Parakarry interjected, "Yeah, it gives you special privileges like skipping to the front of the line."

"Hey Parakarry, you want the usual?"

"Lay it on me."

The cashier tossed him a specially prepared dark roast with extra **extra** whipped cream and two cherries on top, "Would you like to use our private club today?" The cashier then opened the door with "restricted area" printed on the front to reveal flashing multi-colored lights and pumping music.

"Nah, I'm just using the hot tub today."

"Excellent choice," and with that the Toad opened the "employees only" door. As steamed poured out of the hidden room Luigi's jaw slammed onto the floor. Parakarry ripped off his uniform to reveal his Hawaiian swim trunks underneath.

"Hey Mario, you coming with? Oh, hey ladies..."

Many girls responded at once with a playful, "Hey Parakarry" followed with giggling. Mario snatched the card and followed Parakarry into the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Why does the mailman get that card?" Luigi shouted angrily as the next customer was tended to.

"He helped Mario save the princess, remember?" The cashier said between customers, "They ever threw a ball for him and the other ones."

Luigi stormed out of the establishment angered and frustrated. How **dare** they insinuate Luigi wasn't a hero!

"How **dare **they insinuate I'm not a hero! I've done plenty of heroic things like... like... SUCKING UP GHOSTS WITH A VACUUM!! ..." Luigi sadly sipped his Beanspresso. "... That's some good coffee..." Luigi took another bittersweet sip of the brew. His tux rental wouldn't be ready for another hour so he strolled around the mall looking at the items in the windows. He saw the standard "McShyguy"s and "JCWendy's" that littered every mall in the kingdom. But it was after passing his 3rd "Cinna-Bob-ombs" that he saw it; A single Wintendo Pii in the window of "Blooper's Barrel o' Fun" store. It glowed under the fluorescent lights of the mall like a shining beacon of joy and merriment. The stores had been out of them for months, and when a store told Luigi they had 3 left in stock over the phone they were always sold out by the time Luigi got there.

Luigi turned to enter the store when he saw he wasn't the only person who spotted the beautiful box in the window. The two locked eyes in preparation for the epic battle to come.

"I'm going to get that Pii Luigi, and there's nothing you can do about it," his opponent stated, attempting to put fear in his rival.

"We'll see about that, Dexter," Luigi responded. Brief moments later, a 24 coin drink splatted against the tiled floor of the mall as the two raced for the glorious box.

"It's mine!"

"NO! IT IS MINE!"

"FAT CHANCE GREENIE!"

"**YOU LEAVE MY MOTHER OUT OF THIS**!"

More blurts of rage were expelled as the duo pulled the box in opposite directions, threatening tear it apart. But through the ensuing "Yo Momma" fight, Luigi felt his smooth gloves losing its grip on the box. He was going to lose it any second.

"Oh **yeah**! Well, yo momma is soooooooooooo stupid, she took a spoon to the superbowl!"

"Yo Momma is so dumb, she jumped out the window and fell up!"

"That doesn't even make sense, Luigi!"

"You don't make sense!"

But before anyone could comment on Luigi's lack of ability to make a proper comeback, his glove finally slipped and let go of the box. One would think Dexter would be victorious after Luigi's slip up, but physics had other plans. The force of Dexter's tugging sent him flying into the "Guitar Zero: Orange button to the X-treme" demo upon the box's release of Luigi's grasp. Luigi watched as the entire stand came crashing on top of Dexter.

"OH MY GOSH!" Luigi screamed with sincere worry in his voice, "Is anything broken?"

Luigi digged his way through the rubble, hoping against the odds that nothing horrible had happened. Removing the 2nd half of the now broken plasma screen, he saw a hand limply clutching the box. He began scooping out the strands of wire and broken pieces of plastic around Dexter's hand until he could fully see the damage. He was relieved to see that only a few scratches here and there and that everything was okay. Grateful nothing happened to one of the most important things to him, Luigi bent over and lifted the Wintendo Pii out of the mountain of choking hazards and carried it to the cashier, leaving Dexter buried under the banners and promotional cardboard cut-outs.

"One Wintendo Pii, please," Luigi said, setting the box onto the counter. The employee at the counter only took a fraction of a second to glance at the box before stating, "That's just a display box, there's no Pii in it."

"Excuse me?" Luigi said as triumph disappeared from his face.

The employee spun the box around and pointed to the "Display box" written in small writing in the corner.

"Wait, you lead me to believe that there was still a console to buy??"

"No, it just let's customers know that we carry the product."

"WHY NOT JUST PUT UP A SIGN??"

"It's not my job to care. Now if you don't mind could you take this box and kindly shove it up your- WHAT THE??" The employee cut off his rude comment as he glanced up from his "Wintendo Power" and saw the carnage of the Guitar Zero demo, "Who did this??"

Dexter feebly raised his hand in response and pointed at Luigi before letting it fall limply onto the rubble again. Luigi was about to explain the misunderstanding, but was painfully blinded by a white light that burned his retinas. Once vision had returned to him, he saw the employee pinning a photo of his profile on the wall next to one of Bowser Jr., The Wario Bros., and a non discreet koopa.

"What's that?" Luigi asked, squinting through his bleary vision.

The employee hopped off the step ladder and pointed at Luigi stating, "You are here by banned from shopping at this retailer for life."

"WHAT?? But this is the only carrier of Wintendo Piis for miles!" Luigi whined.

"Too bad, maybe you'll think about that next time before you go breaking promotional stands, and children's bones," the employee said, motioning towards Dexter with 3 of his 4 small limbs in casts and being hauled away on a gurney.

"I... I think I see a light... It's so pretty..." Dexter said as he reached for the non-existent light with his only good arm. "Come here pretty lighty..."

"I better make sure he's okay," Luigi said as he ran after the gurney. He sprinted out of the store focusing on the gurney when he should have been focusing on the ground. Particularly the spot on the ground with a 24 coin spill all over it. Meanwhile...

Toadette squealed with joy, "Ohmygosh! These shoes are so **cute**!" Toadette posed in the mirror and admired her sparkling crimson shoes, "But these are so expensive! Are you sure you can afford these?"

"Are you kidding? Look at all this cash!" Daisy said pulling out a fistful of cash from her pocket.

"Whoa... where did you get all the loot?" Toadette asked, astonished one could hold so many bills in such a dainty hand.

"I was driving down the highway putting on my mascara," Daisy stated, "when I swerved and hit a parked car. So naturally I sued the restaurant the car was parked in front of. And they gave me 12 million coins for it!"

Toadette's mouth was agape.

"So do you want the shoes or not?" Daisy said, setting her impressive mountain of shoe boxes on the cashier counter. Toadette snapped out of it at the sound of free shoes and placed her single pair next to Daisy's solid wall of branded products. As the cashier began the toil of swiping every box across the scanner, Toadette brought up the subject of Daisy's ill gotten money.

"So you don't feel guilty at all about stealing so much money from a family run business?"

"**STEAL**??" Daisy screamed, insulted at such an accusation, "This money was **earned**!!"

"But-"

"I don't have to buy you shoes, you know."

Toadette remained quiet.

The cashier, swiping Toadette's shoes last, read the monitor and said, "1,034 dollars and 12 cents."

"Jeez Daisy," Toadette said, no longer afraid of losing her shoes due to speaking, "do you really need all of these shoes?"

"No, but it feels like the more stuff I get, the more happy I am, like it fills a void or something," Daisy said, "...Not that I'm depressed or anything!" she quickly added.

"Yeah, I used to have that void feeling, too," Toadette consoled as she removed the shoes from the counter, "but not anymore."

"What happened?" Daisy said. Toadette was about to answer when someone came up behind her.

"Guess who?" Toad said playfully, covering Toadette's eyes from behind. Toadette responded with a giggle.

"Could it be my boyfriend?" Toadette said, playing along with the game.

"Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner!" Toad leaned over and pecked Toadette on the cheek, "You ready to go?"

"Yeah," Toadette said, following her boyfriend out of the store, "See ya later Daisy, we're going to the cinema."

"Okay, see ya guys," Daisy yelled to the couple. She grabbed an armload of shoes and left the store with some difficulty fitting through the front door. Lacking X-ray vision, Daisy was blinded by her mountain of high heels.

"I can't believe this kid is even alive right now!" Shouted one of the gurney pushers. Daisy heard this scream just in time and leaped out of the way of the speeding gurney. However she wasn't fast enough to react to the second scream.

"WHOA!" Luigi screamed as he slipped on his previously spilled beanspresso. He glided across the ground failing to regain his balance until he made a hard collision with a armload of boxed shoes and the princess carrying them. Daisy and Luigi were sent flying along with 30 pairs of shoes in all directions.

20 minutes later Luigi and Daisy remained motionless on the ground as the gurney team arrived on the scene.

"I don't see why this mall has to be so accident prone," complained the gurney operator, "This place is just a magnet for morons."

"Seriously, remember when those idiots were racing through here on carts and bikes?"

"Yeah. So, which one do we get first? ...Oh snap, it's that lawsuit girl I saw on TV last night!"

"You mean that chick who got millions by smashing her car into one that was already parked??"

"Imagine how much she'll get from us after this!"

"Quick, get her to the hospital wing before she wakes up!"

The two toads scurried over to the limp princess and placed her delicately onto the rolling bed as to not do any possible injury, and raced to the infirmary. Once they arrived they had the very daunting task of moving her onto the bed.

"Okay, I'll get the feet and you get the arms."

"I think I should get the feet. You're stronger."

"Just do it before she wakes up!"

The Toads grabbed her by the arms and ankles and hoisted her off the bed and held her in mid-air for one second before the Toad holding the arms lost his grip and watched her head smack on the granite floor.

"YOU IDIOT!!" The 2nd Toad screamed, throwing his hands in the air and dropping her feet in the process.

"I told you to take the head!"

"Well I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to just drop her head!"

"I'm nervous, okay?"

"Ugh, where am I?"

The two toads looked down towards Daisy who was blinking and rubbing her head. Before anyone could say, "Oh man, do something quick!" Daisy was smacked across the face with a frying pan. She immediately went unconscious and flopped back onto the floor.

"You're such an idiot."

"Like she's going to remember," Replied the co-worker as he glanced at his watch, "Oh hey, it's already 10 minutes past quittin' time."

"Sweet, let's go."

"What about that other guy?"

"He can wait until morning, and the all-you-can-gulp soup special at Mushroom Garden isn't going to last forever!"

"Was that today?? What're we waiting for!"

And with that the two skipped out of the infirmary together arm in arm. An hour later Mario, covered with lipstick kiss stains all over his face and soggy clothes he had to wear in the hot tub lacking a bathing suit, repeatedly kicked Luigi until he came to.

"Ugh," said the plumber as he blinked his eyelids open. Pushing himself up into the sitting position, he rubbed his bruised noggin and looked up at his older brother. Mario had already picked up their tux rentals, "Oh man, what time is it?"

Mario showed him his wristwatch; 7:33 pm.

"OH MAN!" Luigi yelled. "WE'RE LATE FOR THE GOLDEN HAMMER AWARDS!" Dragging his brother out of the mall, Luigi took the green tux from Mario and tossed him the keys. Mario, displaying his masculinity as always, leaped into the driver's seat of the "red fire", started the ignition, put on his seat belt, shifted gears, and pumped up the volume on the radio all in one motion. Luigi, in the same moment of time, managed to grip the backseat rider's bar which was not road safe in the slightest. He got one arm in one sleeve of his tux before Mario sped out of the parking lot. Grabbing the bar with both hands, Luigi barely prevented himself from being flung off the kart as Mario drifted out the parking lot and onto the highway. Taking red street lights and stop signs as mere suggestions rather than the law, Mario floored the gas pedal and shot down the highway.

"Mario! My fingers are slipping!"

However Mario couldn't hear his brother's pleas to slow down over the sound of him about to introduce a speed boosting mushroom to the car engine. As the scene around Mario blurred, he took notice that the radio was coming in more clearly, as if a loud and irritating sound was taken away all of a sudden.

Back on highway 23 Luigi was bouncing and skidding across the asphalt. He was fortunate enough to not have put on his tux because his clothes were disintegrating from the friction. Many high speed face plants later, Luigi skidded to a stop a mile from the castle. His clothes were scratched and his body was bruised. The right strap of Luigi's overalls were torn apart, leaving only the left strap to bear the weight. But in a rare stroke of luck his expensive rental tux had received no harm. Good thing, too, since his shirt was shredded to pieces. But he lost the pants that went with the torso to the traffic. Deciding his overall pantlegs would have to do, Luigi began his sprint to the castle. Meanwhile...

"...and our winner is... Petey Piranha! For most featured secondary character."

Petey spring up from his seat in shock and in excitement. Waddling as fast as his stubby legs would allow, Petey bounded up the step to the podium and cradled his hammer in his leafy arms.

"Petey, do you have any words to say?"

Petey stared blankly at the crowd for a while. Failing to put his emotions into words, he made the retarded screech he always did and returned to his seat. The nominees for the next award were being called off as a sweaty and panting Luigi slipped quietly into the room. Red velvet and black clothing as far as the eye could see, with tears of joy and disappointment in the eyes of those tentatively paying attention to Peach's every word.

" ...and Monty Mole are the nominees. And our winner ..." Peach paused and slowly opened the envelope for dramatic effect. The attendees leaned in closer in eagerness. Who was going to get it?

"iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..." Peach continued, "... iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssss..."

Luigi found his seat next to his brother, who was already asleep. The top half of the note had emerged from the letter by now.

"... none other thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan..." Peach spoke slowly, the nominees soiling themselves.

"...the person we all know and love..." The letter was now completely out of the envelope. There was a pause. A collective gasp sounded throughout the room, heartbeats were racing.

"...BOWSER! For best mullet!"

Only one person showed any emotion in the audience, and that person was already racing for the podium.

"Aw yeah, baby! You know it!" Bowser yelled as he pumped his fists high into the air, "You jerks couldn't have better mullets if your lives depended on it!"

Meanwhile, the secret service guarding the perimeter of the awards ceremony were busy nodding to the beat of their favorite tunes (What else would those ear things be for? Communication? Please.) and so could not hear what was going on in the show. Bowser's excitement and erratic arm flailing were mistaken for a surprise attack on the princess. In their first showing of competence in the known history of earth, the toads collectively tackled an unsuspecting Bowser to the ground and began beating him with foot long subs. They couldn't afford actual weapons since they blew the budget on cool looking earphones, but Bowser's severe allergic reactions to the bell peppers within the subs was enough to subdue him.

"Ahh! Stop it! I'm just getting my award I didn't totally cheat to get! I'm allergic to-" Bowser was forced to stop mid-sentence as a loose bell pepper was flung from the sub sandwich and land in Bowser's gaping pie-hole. "OH NO! I JUST SWALLOWED A BELL PEPPER!! Can't... breathe..."

"Do any of you guys hear what he's saying?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"What's he say?"

"I can't hear you guys. What?"

"...Doctor..." Bowser gasped.

A goomba bounced up from a nearby seat. "I am a medical professional. Perhaps I can be of-" But before the goomba could get any closer one of the secret service members spun around on him.

"Back off civilian, we are handling the situation. Unless of course you want a face full o' SUB!!" The service member shouted over his pumpin' tunes, waving the sandwich dangerously about. The goomba backed off, but not without concern.

"Oh my GAWD! His face is turning blue!" Shrieked a nearby Noki over the soft thunks of bread and veggies hitting the koopa king.

Meanwhile...

"...uh, what happened?" Daisy said as she awoke on the ground. Her head was throbbing with pain.

With boredom in his voice, Dexter said, "You're at the mall's hospital, and you got knocked unconscious."

"What? How did I get knocked un-BAM" As Daisy hastily sprung up she hit her head against the underside of a low shelf and fell back into her original position on the ground.

"Like that. For the 5th time now," Dexter stated as he returned his attention to his comic book.

Back at the awards ceremony...

"Hello, this is Tina Toad, at the Golden Hammer Awards. Over the break, local baddie Bowser Koopa was beaten within an inch of his life with submarine sandwiches thanks to the quick actions of the T.S.S.S. Now we return live to the awards ceremony."

"And here is Magikoopa here to accept the Golden Hammer for Bowser," Peach announced into the microphone.

"Thank you all," Magikoopa began, "On behalf of Bowser, allow me to say-"

"Sorry, Bowser's speech time was already used on hoagie beatings," Peach said quickly as she unceremoniously shoved Magikoopa off the stage, "Now that we've reached halftime, it's time for the Golden Hammer for most honorable mention."

Luigi sat up straight. His heart was racing. He could feel the beads forming on his head. It was now or never. It was time.

"Our nominees include... Blooper..."

3 spots left.

"...Rosalina..."

2 spots left.

"... Geno... Who the heck is Geno??"

1 spot left.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Oh, my thumb was over the last name. And our last nominee is... Luigi," A single "YES!" emitted from the crowd, "And our winner is...drum roll... Luigi!"

Uproarious applause sounded from the crowd. Although he knew he was going to win, it was still a joyous surprise to hear his name announced as the winner. Luigi felt like he was dreaming as he strutted down that red carpeted walkway. Each step up those black marble steps onto the stage Luigi felt his charisma and confidence rise with him. Turning to the blinding spotlights, the large crowd seemed to blend together as one, cheering blob of multi-colored dots, all appraising Luigi's accomplishments.

"Here is your Golden Hammer," Peach said with a sincere smile as she passed the statuette to Luigi, "and your honorary badge of achievement," Peach pinned the shining emblem to his shirt. She then motioned Luigi to the microphone. This was his moment now, and no one was going to take it away from him.

"I-I don't know what to say," Luigi spoke into the mic, "First I would like to thank-"

Without warning a squad of toads burst through the entrance to the awards ceremony, "STOP EVERYTHING!"

Please raise your hand if you knew someone was going to take it away from him even though it was stated they wouldn't. Okay, okay, put your hand down, you look stupid.

"What is the meaning of this?" Peach asked, miffed that someone thought they could just boss her around like that.

Between fatigued gasps the lead toad explained, "We... found... this..." He then held up a soggy green book.

"What's this?" Peach asked, inspecting the damaged book.

"Found it... in forest... look at... last page..." The Toad wheezed before collapsing at Luigi's feet.

Peach opened the book and read aloud, "Journal Log Day 3: I might be the only survivor left, and this may be my final entry, as I have eaten all the other pages for nourishment. If you come across this journal please let this be known to the world."

Luigi knew those illegibly scribbled words anywhere, because he wrote them down before he was attacked by a bear not long ago.

"To Mario, if he is alive, tell him that I always loved him, even when he would bury my inhaler in the yard," Peach continued, "To Peach, I was the one who licked your cake on your twelfth birthday... you don't mean..."

"Yes! Finally, after decades of forensic research and countless investigation we have found the culprit of the cake licking crime!" Boasted the Toads, "That is a full confession in black and white."

"How is a licked cake more important than my speech?" Luigi demanded, though the question was more out of fear than anger.

"Because that licked slice of cake ruined my life forever," Peach said flatly, "You want to know why? Because that cake licker was carrying chicken pox! AND I ATE THE PART OF THE CAKE HE LICKED! 3 days before school pictures! All the way until junior prom they called me the pimple princess because of that polka-dotted face. I was so humiliated, that I swore if I ever found the person who caused this to me, they would pay. Dearly."

"... well I think I'll just take my hammer award and-" Luigi stuttered as he recalled his miraculous healing of the chicken pox just in time for Peach's party back in 6th grade, realizing he must've been still carrying it.

"Is there any clue as too who wrote this?" Peach demanded ignoring Luigi.

"We noticed this green "L" insignia on the inside of the cover of the book, much like the "L" on that man's hat."

Peach did a double take as Luigi froze to the spot, regretting his personal customizations to his journal. After looking between the L in the book and the L above Luigi's perspiring forehead for the third time Peach glared at Luigi and simply mouthed the word "you". Which was enough to make the man wet himself. Finally things were getting interesting at these drawn out award shows.

"Luigi, I hereby strip you of your award," shouted Peach, taking the golden hammer out of Luigi's hands, "and your honorary badge of achievement," and ripped the shiny pin from Luigi's outfit. The pin unfortunately was applied very tightly, so that when it was pulled off, it decided to bring a 200 dollar tuxedo rental with it, ripping it up in the process. However, this was the least of Luigi's worries, as the pin was also pierced through the only shoulder strap of Luigi's overalls that was keeping his pants suspended. It also ripped with the mighty force of an enraged princess, and the Luigi's pants fell to the floor, leaving nothing to cover Luigi's naked body except for his "Share Bears" limited edition printed undies. As the crowd stared in stunned silence, Mario flipped out his camera phone to take a few "blackmail photos".

"GROSS! THERE'S A WET SPOT ON THE FRONT!" Toadette shouted from the audience. Luigi couldn't fight back the tears. Burying his face in his hands, Luigi ran off the stage and sprinted for the door. Actually, he tripped on his fallen trousers and tumbled down the steps, but he got up and **then **ran crying to the door.

"Tina Toad here," Tina said, giving no mind to what was happening on stage, "with further coverage of the Bowser/Bell pepper story," The cameraman was getting a shot of Bowser being carried away by a stretcher.

"Man, I can't believe we have to work after hours at the castle," said the lead stretcher carrier, earlier seen at the mall.

"I know, on all-you-can-gulp day too! LAME!"

Luigi couldn't see what was in front of him as he was covering his shame, and just missed the stretcher by inches. Lucky? Not at all, because as he passed one of Bowser's shell spikes snagged on the elastic of Luigi's tighty whities ripped it off. He stopped in his tracks, too shocked to move.

Mario snapped some more blackmail photos. Peach got her revenge. And Channel 3 News' live feed of the awards ceremony was immediately cut off.

Covering himself with his hat, Luigi ran out of the castle. The cold night air nipped at him, but his fiery anger kept him warm on his embarrassing trek home. No one could ever respect him now, not they ever did. Just looking at the day alone, no one showed any regard for Luigi. He was excluded from a hero's card membership, he was banned from a store for a simple mistake, he was ignored when he was in need of medical attention, and the only thing he ever wanted was taken away from him because of a cake in the past. No one respected him as a hero. Not even his brother!

It was decided before he reached for the door knob of his house that if his work as a hero was only going to be ignored, then he wasn't going to bother with these ungrateful people. His talents would be better used elsewhere. The first thing he needed were clothes, and he had just the thing in mind. A pair of black of overalls, dark gloves, and an eye mask to match. He got them from the box farthest in the back of the attic, where he also found a hat with his "L" insignia reflected horizontally on it surrounded in black. All finished off with a stylin' green ascot. Mr. L was back in town.

On the following morning Mario came down the stairs caressing his 3 Golden hammers for "Outstanding Performance", "Best Mustache", and "Most Kittens Set Ablaze and Shoved Out Of An Airplane Window". He noticed Luigi in his Mr. L get-up waiting patiently at the table with breakfast already prepared and piping hot. He hadn't touched his food, he just sat there twiddling his thumbs.

"Oh, there you are Mario. Sit down. **Eat**,**"**Luigi said flatly. Mario took his seat, giving a look at Luigi's sudden change in behavior. But he never questioned delicious bacon when he saw it, so he started digging into his plate. Luigi started eating when Mario took his first bite, and began talking, almost to himself, "I've noticed lately that I'm not exactly in your league, Mario. Needless to say, you've saved the princess more than me, but I've done enough to garner respect. But it seems like I'm not getting it, not as much as you, Mario. It would seem that my accomplishments pale in your presence, as if I did nothing. You seem to be an obstacle for me and the fame I've deserved from these civilians. So I'm turning to the dark side."

Mario choked on his scrambled eggs when he heard this.

"Shocked? I thought you might be. But it seems that my obstacle also seems to be my largest problem. I was never respected by you, Mario. I was just the silly little brother to you, wasn't I? So my first move will be to get rid of my largest problem and biggest obstacle first; you."

Mario was shocked and caught off guard from this news, but he was further unnerved when Luigi asked him a question.

"Would you like to know how I plan on doing that?"

Mario cautiously nodded. Luigi held up an clear glass bottle with a thick white liquid swirling inside of it. The label pictured a skull and crossbones and had one word printed across it; "Poison.

I've already done it."

Mario looked at his plate, which was empty with only tiny crumbs left. He looked at Luigi's plate, and there everything was eaten, except for the scrambled eggs that went untouched. His eyes bulged out of fear and he ran for the phone, falling to the floor. His chair was attached to his buttocks, and tripped Mario when he tried to stand upright. Luigi dropped the act and started laughing his own butt off as he ripped the printed label off of the bottle and revealed the actual label underneath; "Glue".

"OH MAN, YOU TOTALLY **FELL** FOR IT! HAHAHAHA!" Luigi laughed as he fell out of his chair, "Loser!"

Mario, somewhat relieved, got up and brushed off his pant legs. Though he had to do this in a bent-over position thanks to the chair attached to his derrière. Atleast his brother wasn't an actual villain.

"Yeah, but seriously, I am going over to the dark side. These people need to learn not to mess with this guy," Luigi then headed out the front door, wiping a laugh tear off of his cheek, "By the way, I put the glue solvent over on the book shelf." Luigi then shut the door behind him.

Mario looked over at the bottle labeled "glue solvent". He waddled to the book shelf, and reached up for the bottle. Normally he could get it easily, but doubled over like this, the tips of his fingers could barely touch the underside of the shelf where the bottle sat. As Mario tried to grow his arms longer by really stretching them he thought to himself, "Sadistic little..."

**At the park**

"Alright, that's Mario down," Luigi said to himself, "Only several more people to go."

And then, just like that, he spotted the next person on his list at the top of the next hill playing his WINtendo BS. A whiny little nerd that cost Luigi a WINtendo Pii and admittance to the largest supplier of them. Dexter.

"Hey, Luigi," Dexter said as Luigi tried to sneak up on him.

"I am not Luigi..." Luigi said with disappointment in his voice that he failed to be sneaky in broad daylight with nothing to hide behind while wearing attention drawing clothing, "I am the-villain-formerly-known-as-Luigi, "Mr. L" for short."

"...Didn't I see you last night on Channel 3? Gotta say, that was pretty disturbing."

"Shuddup! By the way, what's that you're playing?"

"Oh yeah, they remade an old-school game that was originally exclusive to Japan!"

"Really, lemme see!" Mr. L said as he snatched the BS out of Dexter's hands.

"HEY! I WAS RIGHT AT THE SAVE POINT!"

"If you want it so bad, then jump for it. Come on. Jump for it!" Mr. L taunted as he waved the BS over Dexter's head.

"Dude, I'm in a wheel chair," Dexter said as he pointed out his broken legs from the day before.

"Oh, that's right. Hmmmm... I wonder if it can connect to another BS from here..." Mr. L wondered out loud, before he threw the BS frisbee style 50 yards down the hill and with uncanny accuracy, smashed it against a BS Lite while someone was playing it, breaking them both, "What do you know, it can!"

"DUDE!! MY BS!! Are you even gonna go apologize to that guy??" Dexter said with shock that Luigi would do something like that.

"Why should I when it's _your _BS? You go apologize. Here, let me help you," Mr. L then shoved Dexter's wheelchair down the hill on a collision course with the person who just lost his BS Lite.

"LOOK OUT PARAKARRY!" Dexter shouted. However, he was too late, because by the time Parakarry managed to look away from the mess of the plastic that was his BS and towards Dexter, he was already getting ran over by the wheelchair. Dexter was flung from the crash and rolled down the hill. Luigi scratched two more people from his list.

"Sweet! Two birds with one BS. Now let's see who's at the mall...".

Word of Luigi's turn to the dark side spread through the kingdom rather quickly.

"Did you guys hear that Luigi's gone to the dark side?"One of the toad guards asked the others when he got the message.

"You're kidding," said one of the guards incredulously, "What's he going to do?"

"He's probably scream like a little girl until everyone loses their hearing," Joked a third guard. Everyone bursted out laughing.

"Or-or..." the first guard said between laughs, "He's going to hold all the mustache wax hostage until we pay the ransom," The guards laughed even harder.

"Hahaha... hey, wait a minute. If Luigi went to the dark side, is his mustache evil too?"

They all went silent at this thought. None of them had considered this. If Bob had turned against the mushroom kingdom, the outcome would be too horrible to comprehend. Only one voice broke the fearful silence.

"Should we flee for the border?"

**At the Coconut Mall's infirmary**

"I know those two should be around here somewhere..." Mr. L muttered to himself looking for the two stretcher carriers. A loud bang was heard in the room next to him. Out of curiosity he peered into the room to see Daisy slumped on the floor with a very large bruise on her forehead. Mr. L walked over to her as she fluttered her eyes open.

"Who am I?" Daisy asked as she looked around.

Now that was an odd question. But it only took Mr. L a second to piece together that she must've got amnesia from constantly hitting her head on the shelf above.

"Who are you?" Daisy asked when Mr. L hadn't responded.

Mr. L remembered how she rather violently broken up with him, and wondered why he didn't add her to the list earlier. He could tell her anything and she'd believe it. This revenge was going to be so sweet.

"Don't you remember?" Mr. L asked solemnly, "You're the world's most famous dancing chicken!"

"...I am?"

"Yeah. Hurry, you can't leave your fans waiting!"

"Oh I better not! Thanks, kind stranger!" Daisy folded her arms behind her back and squatted down. Mr.L watched as she clucked and danced out of the infirmary, stifling his giggles.

"Hey, that was pretty good," growled a voice behind Mr .L. Mr. L turned to see Bowser resting in one of the beds provided to those in the infirmary.

"Woah, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the actual hospital?"

"They wouldn't let me in, since I steal their princess and stuff. Bunch of whiners. So they brought me here. Say, you seem familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?"

"Uh... No." Mr.L said hoping Bowser wouldn't be able to figure out his identity.

"No, I definitely know you from somewhere. Uh... Steve right? 3rd grade?"

"Sure?"

"YOU OWE ME A NEW KOOP TRACEY LUNCH BOX YOU JERK!!" Bowser screamed as he lunged for Mr. L from his bed.

Luigi quickly sidestepped Bowser's attack and screamed, "AAH! I'm not the Steve you think I am!"

"Oh, really? My bad. Back in 3rd grade there was this Steve jerk who fell off the monkey bars and broke his shin bone on my lunch box and dented it. So which Steve are you?"

"Er... Steve Limburger," Luigi lied, "Mr. L for short."

"Cool. You in the evil business, too?" Mr.L nodded, "Nice! Here's my card, you call me up whenever you want to do lunch. As for now, though, I'm gonna pass out since I accidentally removed my IV when I lunged at you. Later," Bowser waved bye as his eyes closed. Then he went limp.

"..." Was all Mr. L could say.

"Injured coming through!" Shouted one of the stretcher workers from the day before. However the lead Toad failed to notice the unconscious Bowser on the ground and tripped. As the stretcher worker kissed the ground at high speed Parakarry was flung from the stretcher and through the 2nd story window across the room. Since the lead Toad was still clutching the stretcher on the ground, as the stretcher carrier in the back kept running he was pole vaulted into the ceiling. His head broke through the third floor JCWendy's in one of the women's dressing rooms, where he was beaten by a handbag of the woman who was still changing.

Mr. L decided that he got his revenge off of a technicality, and scratched off the two stretcher carriers off of his list. Who was left?

&

"Princess Peach! The guards have disappeared!"

"Hmph. Hold on..." Peach lowered the phone from her ear. "What was that?"

"The guards have gone missing, Your Majesty" Toadsworth said as he flailed his arms about.

"Were they kidnapped??"

"No. Those pansies fled for the border at Luigi's announcement of turning to the dark side."

"...Are you kidding me?"

"I'm the only person who remains in the castle! Well, me and that one guy in the dungeon."

"We have a dungeon?"

"Honestly, do you know anything?"

"..."

Before Toadsworth could furrow his brow in frustration, the door knob leading to Peach's room began jostling as someone tried to enter. Toadsworth and Peach exchanged looks before former ran to the window and jumped out yelling, "Geronimooooooooooooooo!". What an idiot.

Mr. L tried the second of the double doors and found it to be unlocked. Peach watched as the door slowly opened with a long creak. Mr. L slowly revealed his face, narrowing his white eyes through the eye mask when the princess came into his line of sight.

"Luigi I-" Peach began.

"LUIGI??" Mr.L barked, "Luigi is dead! And it was your doing, Princess." Mr. L shouted, pointing his black-gloved hand at the princess. Peach thought he had snapped. Mr. L was still walking towards her, "Maybe it's time you learned to let go, Princess. You never know what'll happen, will you? What trouble you'll cause."

Peach was backed into a corner, "Back off Luigi! I mean it!" Mr. L leaned in close to the frightened princess, stroking his mustache with a sinister smirk.

"Well, I know what trouble is going to be caused..." Mr.L said, narrowing his eyes at the cowering highness

"What are going to do with me?" Peach said and Mr. L reached into his pocket for a sharp object brought to do a little cutting with, if you know what I mean.

Elsewhere...

Mario was facing the wall still attached to his chair. He was counting down from 3 in his head, hesitant to reach zero. The bottle of glue solvent was on the opposite wall, gathering dust.

3.

Luigi had gone out to do heaven knows what. But if he was seriously thinking of switching to evil deeds, Mario had to do something fast.

2.

Mario hoped that no one would come through the door since he looked extremely stupid squatted down with a chair on him like this.

1.

Alright, time to man up. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures.

0.

Mario races backwards across the room at top speed. He hoped that the impact would be enough to knock the bottle to the ground. Mario was halfway across the room when the idea of simply taking the overall off came to mind. But he didn't have time to focus on his stupidity because he crashed with the shelf and fell to the ground, sure that his spine was now bent in half. Mario's plan worked, the bottle fell over. In the wrong direction. It was now even more difficult to grab the bottle.

Luckily Mario's impulsive actions did provide freedom, because the chair broke to pieces on impact. Mario was now able to stand up straight, only the square seat of the chair attached to him. Rubbing his bruises, he grabbed the bottle and emptied its contents all over his pants. Then with a loud rip, he removed the wooden square and raced out the door. But as he bounded off the porch Mario did a double take. The doghouse Luigi had built in hopes of getting a puppy for Christmas (which he never did) had the word "DOG" crossed out in red paint. In smaller print, "Evil Lair" was painted with the same red paint. Mario knocked on the roof of the "lair" 3 times, and Mr. L poked his head out.

"What do you want? Oh, I see you've managed to escape. Congrats."

Mario noticed the glint of polished metal catching the sun's light.

"Oh, I see you've noticed my little friend here. He and Peach had a little "get together". You might not hear about her for a few days..." Mr.L hinted at Mario.

Mario got the hint and with all of the energy he raced for the castle. No one was seen at the gate, nor in the rooms or the hallways of the castle. Mario was filled with dread as the eerily empty hallways continued, and he started to double guess himself if he was ready to see what wrath Mr. L held within him. In what seemed like a horrible eternity, Mario reached the double doors. With a shaking hand, he opened the door with a slow creak. And inside he saw the damage Mr. L had done with his two blades. In the corner there laid the princess... with a bad haircut.

"Oh Mario, it was **horrible**!" Peach sobbed into Mario's arms, "He trapped me in the corner, and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of scissors! I tried to fight him off, but I broke a nail. The meanie."

"Oy! Can someone help an old chap out. It appears I have fractured my rib cage and I'm having a tough go with the breathing at the moment," A voice called out from outside the window. Mario peered out the window to see Toadsworth in "a rather sticky wicket". His landing wasn't as soft as he had hoped when the impulse to act upon his cowardice instincts kicked in, and his fragile old man frame was now horribly damaged. Mario started to head downstairs to help when Peach called out, "Hey Mario, what happened to your pants?".

Mario looked at the backside of his overalls, and saw that a clean hole was ripped from the seat of Mario's pants, showing his red polka-dotted boxers to the world. The plumber now recalled the horrible "Rip" that sounded when he removed the chair's seat, and realized the glue solvent hadn't settled. Grabbing a throw pillow from a nearby stool, Mario covered his behind and ran down the stairs. How many people saw his under garments on his sprint to the castle?? Well, the answer was clear when Mario checked his e-mail inbox later that day. Countless photos taken from cameras of all mega pixels took photos of Mario running down the street with his undies flapping in the wind. Entire websites were dedicated to this even! And the Bootube videos, how they overly edited and added unfitting music to such photos as these. The comments were the worst of all, many of which would have gotten your tongue cut off if your repeated them in the ancient tribal lands of Yoshi Island. His reputation was ruined.

Mr. L admired his work from his lair. But in the grand scheme of things, these were just petty pranks. He needed to do something BIG! Something that would really get the attention of the kingdom. Rifling through his pocket he dug up the business card Bowser had given him earlier that day.

"Hmmm... Maybe I'll give the ol' Koopa a call," Mr.L said aloud to himself. He punched in the number, and after some ringing, Bowser's voice came on the other end.

"Yello, Bowser speaking."

"Hey man, it's Steve, from earlier today."

"Steve! How's it going, man?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to do a little project with me..." Mr.L said cooly, an evil smirk forming under his mustache.

* * *

**It's a two-parter people. I think it's already long enough as it is, and I still have much planned for this chapter. So, consider this an intermission. I'll probably slap both chapters together at a future date into one super-chapter. Hope the first half was worth the wait. See ya later.**

Finally the long awaited chapter of this story is up! Also, the script format has been ditched in favor for the "proper" format. You're welcome.


	17. Illegal Haircutting

**Many days ago I found out that I'm in fact, NOT exempt from Murphy's law! I also found out about that rule of ejecting the flash drive before yanking it out of the computer. Oops...**

**So that how this chapter, along with many other important, G.P.A. saving documents, became lost to the world. And the only copy of this chapter was on my flash drive since I figured since no one loses their back up copy of a file, which is usually stored on a flash drive, then on only having the backup would make it impervious to accidental deleting (I assure you this made perfect sense when I was falling asleep the night before).**

**As you can imagine, it was extremely difficult to sit myself down and type this story all over again from scratch. But I eventually got it done.**

**Anyways, here's the very long awaited part 2 of the story. Luigi finds out what it exactly means to be part of an exclusive villains club.**

* * *

Bowser banged the gavel, "Order! Order! ......I WILL HAVE ORDER!!"

The group immediately quieted.

"Good, now for the first order of business. My son will read the minutes from our previous meeting."

Bowser Jr. cleared his throat. "The first minute, Dad bangs the hammer-thingy, followed by a thrown tomato by Waluigi. Waluigi and Dad "take it outside". Minute 3, Dad comes back with a black eye and a puffy lip. Waluigi doesn't return. Then after that it got boring, so I just zoned out with my old ShameBoy Color. Wish Dad would spring for a new BS."

"Thank you, son. Next order of business; A moment of silence for the fallen minions of our last failed plan for world domination......" Everyone lowered their heads.

Mr. L burst through the doors, "Hey, was this the place?" he shouted, interrupting the silence. He received many dirty glares.

"No, you guys, he's cool. Welcome aboard, Steve!" Bowser said.

"Steve??" Doopliss shouted, "What kind of villain name is that??"

"Speak for yourself, sheet-boy," Mr. L replied sarcastically as he took his seat. Many "Ooh"s and "Buuuuuuuurn!"s were directed to Doopliss, "And the name's Mr. L."

"Meet the crew," Bowser said as he rounded the long table, "Of course, my son Bowser Jr...."

Bowser Jr. glanced up from his ShameBoy, "Huh? Someone say my name?"

"...Wario..."

Wario responded by continuing to pick his nose.

"...Waluigi..."

Waluigi did his annoying trademark snicker.

"...The Koops Bros..."

"Yo," stated Red.

"Yo," said Green.

"Yo," murmured Blue.

"Whaddup!" Yelled Yellow. The other members glared at him, "Er...I meant, "Yo"."

Bowser rounded the end of the long table, "...Doopliss..."

Doopliss kept trying to hold back his tears from Mr. L's earlier insult.

"...You, obviously. Then we have General ShyGuy..."

General ShyGuy saluted.

"...and Mini Luigi."

Mr. L did a double take at the last member of the group. The dummy just stared at him with his dead eyes. Watching. Planning...

"Last, but not least, yours truly! And we are..." Everyone joined in on the group action pose and screamed, "The League of Villains!". Mr. L stared.

"So, you're the new guy?" Red asked from across the table.

"I guess," Mr. L responded with a shrug. In all honesty he was expecting more than what he was seeing right now.

"So, what's your weakness?" General ShyGuy asked.

"I dunno... death?"

"Oh, come on! You can't be in the club without a weakness!" Bowser insisted.

"Yeah, mine's condensed balls of light with blue noses," stated General ShyGuy.

"Nutrition," Wario said.

"My name," Doopliss said as he lowered his pathetic, non-existent head.

"Does it have to be incredibly lame??" Mr. L asked the group.

Everyone in the grouped murmured amongst themselves, "obviously"s and "duh"s heard numerous times among the chit-chat.

Bowser Jr. shouted over the noise, "Actually he can't officially bein the club until..." he then lowered his squeaky voice to a creepy whisper, "the initiation."

"Initiation?" Mr. L asked, taking note of everyone's slowly widening grins.

**Meanwhile...**

"Tina Toad here, minutes before Princess Peach's emergency announcement," shouted one reporter over the shouts emitted from the crowd of Toads behind her. It was a very rare case for the princess to call upon an emergency announcement.

"What is this about?"

"What's going on, Daddy?"

"What happened? Is everything okay?"

"I'm scared!"

"Those hot dogs better come with extra mustard!"

These were the shouts of the worried and confused mob. Every television in the kingdom tuned into channel 5 to see what the hubbub was all about.

"Ladies and gentletoads," proclaimed the Ambassador of the Mushroom Kingdom as he took center stage, "the princess has arrived! Your silence, please."

The crowd was hushed at once. The only sound that could be heard were Peach's footsteps as her high-heeled shoes clacked against the hard wood of the makeshift stage. A collective gasp sounded from the sea of toads as the princess emerged, an uncrumpled brown sack masking her usually cheery face. No one spoke a word as the princess leaned towards the microphone. Her voice was distorted from the thin shield of paper covering her mouth, "Citizens of the mushroom kingdom. We now have a new public nemesis disgracing our fair land. Many have already fallen victim to his twisted ways, and soon many more will follow. Stopping this menace and his horrible deeds is public priority number 1! And so, I am placing a bounty of two millions coins to whoever can catch this man!"

On the word "this", Peach raised a poster showing the profile of Mr. L to the excited murmurs of the crowd. Not even Bowser had a 2 million coin bounty on him! The toad who could catch him would be made an instant success overnight!

"2 million coins!?" shouted a Starbeans employee after a rather impressive spit-take, "This guy is serious business!"

"We toads can't take on such a menace!"

"No... we can't," stated the apron-donned manager of the store, slowly approaching the counter with sly confidence, "But we knew this day would come."

"We did?"

"Yes, and we have recruited the finest league of heroes this great kingdom has ever known, each member tested and proven against the greatest odds."

"......We did??"

The manager said nothing as he reached for the keypad of the cash register. His fingers flew over the keys so rapidly only a few of the countless keys of code were visibly punched. Then his hand jolted to a stop, hovering over the "accept" button. With a mighty point of his index finger, the green button was struck. The register began tilting over the edge of the counter, revolving on it's hidden hinge until a secret compartment in the counter was revealed, containing a single red button.

The manager said one thing before pressing the button.

"...Yes, we did."

* * *

"This place is just so... beautiful," Koopie Koo said as she stared with awe at the setting sun's reflection on the quietly rippling lake. She and Koops were gazing at the lanscape on the single bridge that crossed the lake's way.

"Not as beautiful as you," Koops said, making his girlfriend giggle uncontrollably, "Hey, do you remember what happened here 2 years ago on this day?"

"Our first kiss." Koopie Koo said instantly. "And the first time you asked me to be your girlfriend."

"I have another question for you," Koops said, looking into Koopie's eyes.

"What is it?"

Koops lowered down onto one knee and took Koopie's hand in his. Koopie stared at him for a moment before she realized what he was doing. She tears of shock and joy formed in her eyes.

Koops reached into his pocket with his free hand.

"Koopie Koo, will you be my-"

_beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep_

Koops was suddenly interrupted by loud, rapid beeping from his pocket. He checked his wallet to see that his Hero's Membership Card from Starbeans was blinking a bright green light, signaling his call for action, "OH MAN! I GOTTA SPLIT!' Koops sprinted off the bridge, leaving a dazed Koopie Koo.

"Wait Koops! Weren't you about to ask me a VERY IMPORTANT question??"

"No time! Emergency," Koops shouted before he disappeared in the distance.

"......."

* * *

"Ladies and gentletoads! This could be the match to end it all!"

The crowd erupted as the ensuing fight between Mac and Tubba Blubba went into its final round. Mac was defending his belt as usual, but what was unusual was that he was at serious risk of losing it.

"I don't know about this one, Coach," Mac managed to say through his beaten and swollen face, "It's like this guy is invincible or something!"

"Look, kid, things are lookin' grim now, but if you give in then you'll lose the respect or them, me, and even yourself! I am not letting you quit this match!" The coach said as he fanned off Mac with a towel. He needed to squeeze in this pep talk fast before the bell sounded, "Now you listen to me, kid, no one has ever held the belt this long. And do you know why?"

"No," Mac said bluntly.

"It's because you're the best there is. Now go in there and prove it!"

"Yeah, you're right!" Mac said, getting to his feet. The bell sounded, and the two fighters squared off. Mac's bruised body was in sharp contrast to Tubba Blubba's scratch-less physique. Nothing Mac dished out could topple this guy!

"Remember Mac! Only losers quit!"

"Only losers quit," Mac repeated under his breath, "Well, I ain't quittin' today!"

"What was that? I couldn't hear you through your fat lip! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Blubba bellowed. Mac focused, repeating his fighting mantra.

"Only losers quit. Only losers quit. Only losers quit. Only losers quit. Only losers quit. Only losers quit....."

_beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep_

Mac turned and saw his duffel bag with the Starbeans Hero Membership Card sticking out, beeping rapidly as it called for his assistance.

The coach saw him take his exit from the ring, "What?? You're going to quit after WHAT I JUST SAID!"

"He's not leaving with my belt!" Blubba bellowed furiously.

Mac stopped as he reached the rope, "You want this thing so badly? Take it!" He unhooked his belt and threw it at Blubba. However, his aim was very off thanks to the black eye Mac received around round 2, and he missed his mark by several yards. The glimmering belt spun in the air as it made its voyage into the screaming crowd. The belt traveled 13 feet into the cheap seats and struck a member of the audience with its 20 lbs. gold emblem. That member was in fact a heart; Blubba's to be exact. Mac left with his things as his coach yelled angrily at him and Blubba clutched his chest in a pseudo heart attack.

* * *

Ms. Mowz slipped through an open window without making a sound. Her sleuthing had finally led her to the biggest stash of badges any mortal would lay their eyes on. She was thoroughly disappointed in the badge bank's low level of security.

_I was hoping for more of a challenge_, Ms. Mowz thought to herself as she quietly made her way down the dark corridor, taking care not to set off any sound activated security traps. But challenge or not, she was making the biggest score of her life. She made out the end of the corridor, and her last obstacle between her and her precious loot. The vault door.

_Well, aren't you a big ol' door_, Ms. Mowz voiced playfully in her mind as she reached for the stethoscope in her back pocket. _Might as well be a welcome mat under me._

Slowly turning the dial Ms. Mowz focused on the clicks from the steel barrier, made only easier to hear by the deafening silence in the hallway. Ms. Mowz could make out the sound of a tumbler activating as easily as anyone could hear the horns of a semi blaring 3 feet from them. 10 seconds later the 6th tumbler clicked and the handle to the door went down as easily as a hot knife through butter. She slowly opened the door, taking an early peek into the vault. The room was easily as Large Rogueport Square, and the badges of every color in the visible spectrum lined the walls 3 feet deep in the shallowest points. It almost brought a joyous tear to the thief's eyes.

"My life... is complete," Ms. Mowz gleefully thought. Bending over, she scooped up an arm's load of badges, and tip-toed her way to the window where her accomplice was waiting for the drop-off.

_beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep_

The lights flashed on, blinding Ms. Mowz as all of the 32 wall-mounted guns aimed towards the beeping Hero Membership Card in her back pocket and opened fire.

* * *

"Guys, is this really necessary?" Mr. L asked.

"Hey, there's no free passes into _this_ club," Bowser Jr. said as he readied the paddle board, perfectly carved to give the most horrible smack wood could administer to one's hiney.

"But do I have to be covered in steak sauce?"

"It adds to the challenge," Bowser Jr. passed the paddle board to Mr. L, "Now get in there!"

With a sigh Mr. L took the paddle board from Bowser Jr.'s hands and hopped over the fence of the chain chomp ranch. He slowly tip-toed through the grass, not startling the grazing chain-chomps until it was absolutely necessary. He approached the smallest one of the group from behind, holding his breath to prevent the little chomp from detecting his presence. He looked back towards the group watching from behind the safety of the wood fence. Some of them gave him thumbs up, others simply waved. Doopliss stuck his tongue out at him.

"10 coins says he doesn't make it," Waluigi whispered as he placed the 10 coins on a nearby post.

"You're on," Mini Luigi whispered back, placing only 8 coins on the post when Waluigi looked away.

Mr. L reeled back his paddle hand until it wrapped around the back of his head. Then, in one motion, he smacked the smallest chomp with the paddle, threw it away and began sprinting. However, Mr. L made a fatal mistake made by most during this initiation. A full-grown chain-chomps' shell is very hard, and would have never noticed the strike of the paddle board. What they do notice is their child balling their eyes out because someone smacked his sensitive and under-developed shell. You think it's a bad idea to get between a mother bear and her cub? Imagine what the result is when you smack the cub with a wooden club, poured honey all over yourself, and tried to outrun his 30 ton, razor-sharp toothed mother who had just swallowed a year's worth of Monstar energy drink. Now imagine that the analogy had any ability to explain to you the very horrifying magnitude of Mr. L's mistake, which it does not.

"You guys call that an initiation? That was nothing," Mr. L said as he approached the fence to join the rest of the group. "Look at them, they're still crowding around that crying little baby."

"Dude, watch out for the-"

Bowser's warning was cut short as Mr. L's jeans loudly ripped. His black overalls snagged on an exposed nail not fully hammered into the wood. Luckily Mr. L's jeans were resistant enough to not fully tear away, suspending him in mid-air as he received a rather nasty wedgie.

"YeeeeeeeeeeOW!" Mr. L shrieked as his arms and legs flailed about. This caught the chomps' attention.

"Bark bark! (Hey, who's that idiot?)" Asked one chain chomp.

"Bark bark! (I don't know.)" Replied another from the crowd.

"Yip *sob* yip (That's the guy *sob* who hit me.)" Cried the weeping lil chomp.

"Bark bark! (IT IS!!)" Barked the leader of the group.

"Bark bark! (Let's get him!)" Shouted another member of the group.

"Uh oh, looks like they're getting excited," General ShyGuy said.

"You're right. Quick! To the bunker!" Bowser commanded. The villains scrambled to a concrete trap door in the ground.

"WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ME??" Mr. L pleaded as the cowards ducked below the surface.

"When a stampede of chain chomps is heading for you it's every man for himself!" Wario shouted as he entered last.

The ground began shaking violently as the faint barks of the oncoming wall of chain chomps grew louder. Mr. L struggled to free himself to no avail. Every jerk he made was more painful than the last as the jeans became more and more tangled around the nail. The earthquake's intensity grew with every second the chain chomps charged closer to their prey, the scent of steak sauce elevating their excitement. From below the concrete cover the group of ne'er do wells could faintly hear Mr. L's blood curdling screams blended with the barks of chain chomps and the spine-chilling snaps of wood and bone.

**Meanwhile...**

Sushie bounced along the ground to star hill. Her Hero Membership's Card finally ceased its ear-splitting beeping, signaling she had arrived to the destination point.

"Hey guys, I think I see someone coming!" Mallow shouted from the top of the spiraling hill.

"Well, jeez, what took you so long?" Mocked Lakilester.

"I'd get here earlier, too, if I had a cloud to lazily ride on!" Angrily commented the legless fish as she continued up the hill. When she finally bounced to the top she saw many, many faces both familiar and new, "So why are we here?"

"I'd like to know that as well," Vivian said softly from the corner.

"Well, obviously it's an emergency," Mac said to the crowd, "They know not to call us if they don't absolutely need us."

"I know! They've never needed to assemble all of us at once!" Bobbery shouted in his gruff voice.

"Whoa, you're right!" Goombario said as his eyes widened. "This could be big!"

The crowd erupted in loud shouts arguing what this emergency could be for. Meteor strikes, ancient curses, and zombie attacks were a few of the many theories that came up in the debate. Everyone was so involved that very few noticed a shadowed figure making his way to the summit where they were all located.

"Excuse me!" Said the figure as he reached the top. Everyone was silenced, "I know you're wondering why you were all called here..."

"NO DUH ISSAC NEWTON! WE AIN'T HAVIN' NO SISSY TEA PARTY HERE!!" Bellowed Watt from the back. A moment's awkwardness took place before the shadowed figure continued.

"We have a new menace facing the Mushroom Kingdom now, one that has earned himself a 2 million bounty if caught alive. 2.5 million if dead. Here's his photo. The best of luck to you all."

"Wait, who are you?" Mac said as he picked up the rolled-up "wanted" poster.

"......a friend," the figure replied. He then made his way down the spiral of the mountain.

However, his charade was over as he tripped and rolled down the hill with many screams coming from his now high-pitched voice. When his tumble was over, the Starbean's manager's cloak was ripped and teared to reveal the dorky apron beneath. Everyone was somewhat disappointed that he wasn't actually cool, but now was not the time for disappointment. It was the time for action!

"So, who is this rotten scoundrel?" Bobbery gruffed. Mac slowly unrolled the "wanted" poster to show the profile of none other than Mr. L

"......wait. Isn't that Luigi?"

"WHAT?? We were called here for Luigi!?!"

"I gave up my belt for this??"

"That's nothing, my stove's still on!"

"OH MAN! I MIGHT'VE LOST MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"Bummer, man."

"Hold on, you guys, hold on. It might be more important than it seems."

"Yeah, what'd he do?"

Goombella read off of the wanted poster. "Suspect is wanted for the illegal cutting of the princess' hair."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

"......."

Everyone exploded with angry shouts and violent rants.

**Meanwhile...**

"Hey guys, I think the stampede ended."

The league of villains was cramped in the small underground bunker, limbs entangled and faces pressed against the wall. But even so this was much more preferable to the fate Mr. L had faced.

"If it's over, then lemme out!" Bowser Jr. wailed.

"Yeah, dudes, this pad is crampin' my style. Like, literally," Blue shouted.

"Uh-oh," Wario said aloud. Everyone's eyes widened with fear as they felt Wario's stomach begin to bulge, which meant only one thing. Disaster.

"HURRY DAD!"

Bowser struggled to move his arms, "I CAN'T REACH MY KEYS!"

The group panicked, violently squirming as they tried to place themselves nearest to the door. Bowser finally reached his keys.

"GOT THEM!" The koopa king triumphantly yelled. He felt for the lock on the door, as it was pitch black in the room. He tried the first key on the ring. No cigar.

"I... can't... hold it," Wario winced. The group began shouting louder for Bowser to open the door.

"I'm trying! I'M TRYING!" Bowser shouted nervously as his shaking hand tried the 2nd key on the ring. It didn't even go in the lock. Bowser reached for the 3 key on the ring as the inevitable happened. Wario passed gas with such force that the 2 foot thick concrete door of the bunker flew open after the lock melted from the pure stench of the blast.

Mr. L weakly looked over as the members of the League of Villains sprinted out of the hole screaming and clutching their noses.

"I CAN'T BREATHE!!" General ShyGuy wailed.

"I'll be scrubbing the inside of my nose for weeks!" whined Green.

"Pfft. That's nothing, you guys should smell it the day after chili night," Wario commented as he walked out last.

"Ugh... what _is_ that horrible smell?" Mr. L said as the visible stench wafted over his nostrils.

"Hey, he's alive," Doopliss said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Aw man!" Waluigi said as Mini Luigi gathered his winnings from the rubble that was once a fence post.

"Alright, Steve's in the club!" Bowser said, "......weren't you covered in steak sauce a second ago?"

"The chomps ate it clean off," Mr. L limply replied, "Their tongues licked me everywhere for it. **Everywhere**."

The group collective cringed and said, "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."

**Elsewhere**

"So, you come here often?" Goombario asked, one eyebrow raised confidently above the other.

Goombella gave a look of disgust, "Sorry kid, but I'm way out of your league," Goombella leaned well into Goombario's personal bubble to get her message across, "Waaaaaay out of your league."

Goombario retreated to the crowd of confused and aggravated heroes. Goombella returned to her discussion with Bombette, "So there's a 2 million coin bounty on this guy??"

"I believe that's what I heard," Bombette replied.

"If cutting hair is the best he can do, then I say we bag this guy and make ourselves an easy fortune," Goombella said.

"Yeah!" Shouted Vivian, appearing from below the ground, "We could live the life of luxury for the price of one idiot!"

As more overheard the excited shouts of making an easy living the easy way, more and more shouted their excitement over the opportunity.

"I could expand my mansion even more!" Lady Bow said as she fanned herself.

"I could start my next production, "Beauty and the Feast"," Madame Flurrie announced.

"I could start my own archaeological dig for the fabled missing link between Toads and Mushrooms!" Goombella said with excitement.

"All right, so are we gonna do this?" Kooper asked, extending his hand out palm-down.

"Count me in!" Vivian said, placing her hand on top Kooper's

"Me too!" Sushie said, adding her fin to the growing collection of hands.

"Ditto!" Bombette said, placing her foot into the group's huddle. Soon everyone had some sort of appendage inserted into the crowd, signifying their willingness to work as a team.

"All right, on 3. 1... 2... 3..."

Everyone raised their hands, fins, and feet into the air and shouted, "Let's do it!". Then nothing happened.

"Er...... what now?"

"Heck if I know. I'm not a leader."

"Me either. I usually just follow Mario around and do what he tells me."

"Me too."

"So did I."

"Ditto"

"Same here."

Everyone started to look awkwardly at one another as more and more admitted they worked from the sidelines, "So, I guess we go get Mario and ask him what to do?"

"That would probably be best."

"Yeah, we need Mario."

"To Mario's house!"

And so, they made their trek to the home of the legendary Mario to ask for help like the herd of sheep they were. But unknown to them, things were going down back at Bowser's castle.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bowser paced determinedly in front of the white board, tapping the dry erase marker against his chin. Other than an underlined "Domination Ideas" scrawled on the board, the white space remained empty. He faced his colleagues, "Alright, anyone have any ideas?"

"For what?" General Shyguy asked.

Bowser furrowed his brow, "Oh nothing. I was just wondering what flavor of pie we should sell at our next bake sale when we raise funds for the orphanage," he said in a sarcastically sweet voice. And then, in not such a sweet voice, "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M ASKING IDEAS FOR??"

"Remember your blood pressure, Dad."

Bowser regained his composure after many deep breaths, "Thanks, son. So, does anyone have any thoughts?"

General Shyguy raised his hand, "I think we should sell apple pies."

Bowser popped a vein.

Doopliss was quick to change the subject, "I think it's important to know what advantages each of us bring to the table and devise a plan from there."

"That sounds like a good start. Let's go around the table, starting with you," Bowser said as he wrote "Doopliss" on the board.

"I can transform my appearance to anyone I come in contact with," Doopliss said boastfully.

"Transformation..." Bowser scribbled as he talked aloud, "Good, anything else?"

"Well... I can arbitrarily turn people to swine."

"That might be useful...How do you spell that word? "Arby's Traitor-ly?"

"You mean arbitrarily?"

"Yeah, that one. It starts with an "R" right? You know what, forget it," Bowser quickly moved to the next person, "How about you, Mini Luigi?"

"I can hypnotize small children to beg for colorful products through television. I can also mesmerize with my cold, soulless stare..."

"He also knows how to swindle pretty well," Waluigi said under his breath.

"..........." Bowser stared blankly ahead of him. ".........."

"Oops, sorry." Mini Luigi said quickly as he broke eye contact with Bowser. Bowser blinked and shook his head violently as he came to.

"Uh, hypnosis. Good," Bowser said as he made a new list for Mini Luigi, "And you, General ShyGuy?"

"If we're selling muffins at the bake sale, I have a secret family recipe for blueberry muffins that'll knock your socks off."

A loud crash was heard from inside the castle walls, and alerted the henchmen working the grounds outside. As they craned their necks back to observe the source of the crash above them, they saw shards of glass and a flailing ShyGuy wearing a General's hat fall from the sky. Bowser shortly thereafter leaned out from the newly smashed window from the tallest tower, a mixed look of fury and satisfaction plastered over his face.

After the sickening thud and crack of General ShyGuy's bones hitting the ground, Bowser spun around and returned to the now wide-eyed members of his exclusive club, "So... how about you, Mr.L?"

"What **about **me?" Mr. L said glaring at him.

"What are your abilities? What evil power do you wield? What is your jack of trades?"

Mr. L's mustache drooped. He wasn't sure if he had any special power to offer the group. But with every eye on him, he had to think fast, "Um... I can believe it's not butter-"

"YOU LIAR!" Wario shouted immediately.

"Test him, Doopliss," Bowser said, crossing his arms. A nicely buttered piece of toast was shoved under Mr. L's orbicular nose. Mr. L hesitated.

"You guys can't be serious," Mr. L commented. Their undivided attention on his buttered toast was enough to tell Mr. L that there was no backing out now. With a shaking hand he raised the fried bread to his quivering lips. The tension could be cut like a hot knife through butter substitute.

**Meanwhile...**

Mallow was the last to arrive on Mario's lawn. After much arguing, "I told you so"-ing, and frustrating fold-out map re-folding, they had arrived to the home of the famed plumber.

"I'll see if he's home," Goombario said as he hopped up the porch steps of the Mario house. Smacking his forehead against the doorbell, he and the others waited impatiently for the arrival of the famous hero of the Mushroom Kingdom. No answer.

"That's weird. Let me try again," Goombario said as he repeated the painful action of ringing the doorbell.

No answer.

"Maybe he's not home," Koops stated the obvious.

"Then why can I see him in the window??" shouted Vivian. She was immediately crushed as the stampede of secondary heroes raced to gleam into the window. There in the corner sat Mario, who looked to be in horrible shape. Bags under the eyes and thick stubble under the chin. And was that a single tear streak running down the side of his face?

"Maybe he didn't hear me the first few times..." said a wobbly, cross eyed Goombario. He lurched back, and then slammed his face into the doorbell harder than before. Goombario was on the ground cold before the doorbell's ring finished its last synthesized note. Mario turned away from the door.

"Ooooooh, he looks so pathetic," swooned Bombette, as if she was talking about a sad puppy instead of a portly middle-aged man.

"Wow, the dude looks pretty bummed out about something," Mac thought aloud.

"Maybe I should forward that hilarious E-mail I got about him," Watt said to the group.

"Oh yeah! That "Blunder down under" thing?"

"What are you guys talking about??" asked Bobbery.

"Are you kidding me?? It's an overnight Internet phenomenon!" Shouted Mallow.

"......Internet?" asked the admiral, who spent his days on the Internet-less high seas. Many jaws hit the floor.

"Pretty much, there are hundreds of pictures of Mario running around with his bare underpants flapping in the wind. It's freakin' hilarious!"

"Well that must be absolutely humiliating for the old boy," Bobbery said. This statement finally made it clear to everyone what happened to Mario's usually confident disposition. He was now the laughing stock of the entire world, and it was near impossible to erase the evidence.

Kooper banged on the door, "MARIO! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! WE JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!"

"Hey, he's getting up!" Watt shouted to the rest of the group. Through the window Mario could be seen making his way slowly to the door, his sagging face stone cold. The group gathered around the door to be let in. A faint click was heard from beyond the wood.

"......is he going to let us in or what?" Koops asked.

"No, he's heading back to his seat," Vivian reported from her post next to the window.

Kooper jostled the doorknob, "It's locked. Maybe we should've actually tried the door first."

"Well, what are we supposed to do now??" Goombella asked. "I want my 2 million coins."

"Whoa whoa whoa, _your_ 2 million coins?" Kooper said. "You mean my 2 million coins!"

"Um, it was made clear to me that I would be getting the 2 million coins..."

"Wait, why don't we just split the reward?"

"Among all of us??"

"That's going to stretch it pretty tight."

Suddenly hopes and dreams were shattered. Sure, there would still be plenty to be made, but not nearly as much as their dreams needed. However, Goombella had a plan. Sneaking away from the others, she snuck over to Vivian who remained looking at Mario through the window.

"Hey, Vivian..." Goombella whispered under the threatening shouts of the others, "Let's team up."

"Team up?"

"Yeah, you and me. If we can catch this guy on our own, then we could split the earnings between only the two of us."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense."

"What do you say? You in?"

"I don't know... won't that betraying the others?"

"Not at all. It's not like we're a organization or anything."

"When you put it that way, I don't see why not," Vivian replied.

"Sweet. We'll be like the perfect duo! Me as the brains, and you the brawn."

"Um... actually I'm not that good of a fighter. But I am top of the line when it comes to sneaking."

"Oh. I suppose that's useful, but we'll want a little muscle to take this guy down."

"Why don't we ask one of the guys to join us?"

"No way! I'm sick of men. Nothing but a bunch of lying, cheating, backstabbing, idiotic, unscrupulous, primitive, dimwitted, knuckle-dragging, thoughtless, ungrateful-"

"Okay, okay, I get it. But who else could we get?"

"Bombette is the obvious choice. She's the tough type, plus she doesn't have a "Y" chromosome to get in the way of our plans."

"Can we trust her?" Vivian asked with uncertainty.

"Hmmm... I have an idea," Goombella said after some thought. She walked over to Bombette, "Hey, did you see that meteor last night?"

"Was it purple-striped and chasing the Green Goblin?" Bombette replied without hesitation.

"Only after it crossed the border to Lalaland wearing a mustard stained dress," Goombella replied. There was a moment's silence, before they both screamed, "SISTER!".

"You two are sisters?" Vivian asked, somewhat weirded out by the earlier conversation.

"Not biological sisters. We're members of the Sisterhood of the Ponytail," Goombella explained. Goombella then spun her ponytail around and slammed hers against Bombette's in a "high-five" fashion, "That was the secret handshake."

"Pretend you didn't see that," Bombette said quickly, "So, what are you two up to?"

Goombella whispered the plan to Bombette, whose grin got wider as the plan was explained. With a nod, the alliance was formed. They left the porch in search of Mr.L and their 2 million coins.

Bobbery however took note of their leave. "Ay, where are those scally-wags headed off to?"

"I over heard them talking about an alliance or something," Kooper said, emerging from the crowd.

"Alliance??" Bobbery.

"Yeah. They were talking about how if they got this Mr. L guy then they'd only have to split it among themselves."

"Ay, that be mighty fine thinking," Bobbery said to himself, "Perhaps we should make our own crew. Only the most burly and strongest men may join our ranks."

"Sounds good to me!" Kooper said.

"Hey, what are you two yapping about here?" Mac said. Kooper and Bobbery slowly faced one another, silently agreeing to let Mac into their exclusive crew. Soon, after some discussion, the alliance of Bobbery, Kooper, and Mac set off to the distance.

Koops noticed the second group of 3 leave with a haste, and was easily able to put two and two together. He knew he wasn't nearly the type to take down evil on his own, and so began scanning the crowd for possible alliance members. In the corner he saw Lakilester, clearly the street thug type. The kind of muscle that would provide protection while he played from the sidelines. Koops puffed up his jacket to make him self more street. He slouch-strutted over to Lakilester and put on his game face.

"Yo, G-dog, you ill'in in this jank?" Koops said, crossing his arms in a street pose.

Lakilester responded, eager that he had managed to pull off the look of a strait-up gangsta, "You know how it be, D-boy."

Koops responded with "Word.". These poor saps, both believing that they could seriously be taken as gang thugs, discussed their plan of operation through their persistently annoying "wangsta slang".

"Yo, that chill be tight dog," Koops said.

"Word to your brother from another mother," Lakilester responded.

"Speakin' of bruthas, what they call you in the hood?" Koops asked. Lakilester had long since prepared his answer for this question.

"Spike," Koops inwardly freaked out about how "frickin' awesome" his partner's name was. Surely he needed to have a streeter name than "Koops" if he was really going to impress this guy.

Koops acted fast, "They call me... uh... Skull-Crusher. Skull for short," Lakilester was awed at such a gangsta name.

"Cool beans skillet bisquit," Lakilester said, slight jealousy in his voice. At this time Goombario regained consciousness.

"Ugh... What happened?" Asked the capped Goomba.

"Nuthin'. Just scraping a few greenbacks for kicks," Koops responded.

Goombario stared blankly back at him. "...What?"

Lakilester sighed. "We're planning on getting that guy and raking in a larger chunk of the cash."

Koops turned to him, "Hey, hey, hey, don't be dishing out our secret plans, homie."

"But we might need bookworm over here if we're going to do this thang."

"I dunno, G. I don't think Little Nerdy's street enough to be in the club," Koops said as he paced around the confused goomba, "How do we know you're street enough?"

Goombario turned his hat sideways.

"YOU'RE IN!" Lakilester and Koops shouted in unison. Mallow came bounding up to the group.

"Hey, can I join your club? I wanna be cool too! Please??"

Koops scoffed, "Please, kid, you're not _nearly_ cool enough."

"Yeah, listen to my main man over here," Lakilester said, "Unless you're cruising for a bruising."

Watt floated over, "Yeah, only cool guys like me can get in."

"Wrong, twinkles. You can't get in either," Lakilester said, promptly giving him the hand.

"Why not??" Watt whined.

"All you can do is light up dim areas," stated Koops.

"Ooooh... so useful," Lakilester mocked, "Next time we need a lightbulb replaced we'll be sure to call you," Lakilester's mockery was rewarded with a low-five from Koops.

"And what's your power, huh?" Koops continued, pointing his direction towards Mallow.

"I can make it rain when I cry."

"LOSER!" Koops shouted, an extended thumb and pointer finger extended to fashion an "L" and placed on his forehead for added effect.

"Yeah, how 'bout you hit the weights and lose a few hundred pounds, fatty!" Lakilester said before leaving him, Watt, and the rest of the unwanted on Mario's porch. Koops and Goombario left with Lakilester.

From inside the house Mario watched as a sudden rain began pounding against his window pane, although it was sunny and cloudless moment before. In the distant background the beep of his Hero's Membership Card called for his assistance. A call Mario wasn't going to answer any time soon.

* * *

**This may come as a disappointment to some, but this is now a 3-parter. I had more planned for this chapter, but it was deleted, I didn't have the patience, and I've kept you guys waiting way too long for another chapter. Ugh, and I am not looking forward to typing that part all over again. It would really help me out if you left a nice little review, you know, as a little motivation. If I got my 100th review then that would be BIG motivation! Seriously, it's getting close now. So do what you can, everyone is welcome to let their voice be heard.**

**Now if you'll excuse me, I have a term paper to plead for an extension on.**


	18. Greed, Betrayal, and Biscottis

**After long anticipation the finale to the Mr.L saga is finally complete! So why the long delay? Well I found myself one day fighting for my life against a 800 lbs. bear one what should've been a normal trip to the garbage can out back. Naturally I defeated the bear, but not before he managed to break each individual finger on both of my hands, so I had to type this entire chapter using my elbows.**

**But one very large reason this is late is because of it's size! At 17,000 words, this is my longest chapter to date. To put that into perspective, if I accidentally hit the print button my printer would belt out a 37 page long document. I am not even kidding.**

**Naturally my editor, Shegal92, was hesitant (refused) to edit such a large document, but she eventually gave into my charming ways and settled on the commision of one cameo appearance in this chapter. Honestly, she deserves it for even taking on such a task. Thanks as always Shegal.**

**Alright, it's time for the finale where the single question on everyone's mind will be answered; Was it worth the wait? Well grab some refreshments from the kitchen, plop down, and read on to find out. Oh! And legend foretells that every 100 reviews the plumber's vow of silence shall be released, and his belumptuous voice shall swoon. Whatever that means.**

* * *

Bowser tapped his chin. After hours of intensive debate, the whiteboard was filled with notes and illustrations of what could be their best and most elaborate plan yet. The members of the table waited silently, the back of their leader's chair staring them in the face. Bowser's eyes moved slowly across the board, trying to spot any major flaw in the plan.

"......... perfect. There's simply no other word for this plan," Bowser said flatly. He spun his chair around to look his counterparts in the face, "Do you guys know what to do?" They all nodded. Bowser motioned for General Shyguy to join him in the control room, as the others left the room. The last one to leave wore a green hat and a devilish grin spread across his face.

"Everyone know the plan?" Mac asked the other two. He, Kooper, and Bobbery waited in hiding among the thick forest of Bowser's castle.

"Uh... I thought we were just going to tackle the guy," Bobbery said.

"Yup. Plain and simple," Kooper stated. He was immediately shushed by Mac who spotted the green garbed traitor leaving the gates of the castle. They crouched lower, not drawing their eyes away from the target.

Mac whispered to his crew, "On three. One... two... three!"

"BONZAI!!" Kooper screamed as he leaped out from behind the rock. He missed the target by a good 3 feet and face planted on the ground. Mr.L took the warning and immediately started backtracking.

"KOOPER YOU KLUTZ!!" Mac screamed as he gave chase to Luigi. Bobbery rolled his eyes and began running after the pursuer. Mac was quickly out of sight as Bobbery's legless waddling and old age kept him from sprinting. A loud yelp from Mac emitted from the path ahead, which made Bobbery quicken his pace. But when he finally caught up to a panting Mac, nothing seemed wrong.

"You alright, laddie?" Bobbery asked.

"Oh, yeah. Everything's fine. He just got away before I could catch him," Mac stuttered.

"Well what in blimey was that yelp about?"

"I tripped," Mac said, motioning towards the large nose print in the soft dirt of the forest.

"Oy, that blasted koopa ruined everything. Well, no sense weeping over spilt milk," Bobbery said turning around, "When I get my hands on that idiot I'm- Mmfff!" Bobbery was suddenly grabbed from behind by Mac, who put his hand over Bobbery's mouth to quiet his screaming. Bobbery struggled to break free, but Mac held him in place, covering his only means of breathing. Bobbery kicked, but Mac determinedly kept choking him. Bobbery's eyelids fluttered as they tried to stay open, but it was no use. A light-headed feeling washed over him as lights danced in front of his eyes. Finally he went limp, his eyes closed. Mac placed him on the ground without another word and began walking to Bowser's castle.

* * *

"So she's all like, "Whateva!" and I'm like "Whateva" back," One guard toad continued to ramble on.

"What did I say that sounded remotely like "I care about your life"?" replied the other toad guard sharing the same lookout post.

"Then I'm like, "Talk to the hand, girl" so then she-"

"No seriously... stop talking to me."

"I know, right? Then she has the nerve to just walk out like she's the queen of everything ever."

"Lalalala... I can't hear you... lalala..."

"Hold on, Shegal, **some people are being rude**..." The rambling toad lowered his cell phone and turned to the guard next to him, "Yes?"

"I... uh.... nothing," said the now embarrassed toad guard. The rambling toad continued her conversation.

"So yeah, what were we talking about...? OMG, I **know** right? He is **such** a loser. Remember last week when he shoved that pencil up his... hold on. These two losers just showed up," The toad lowered her cell phone and directed her attention to the postal workers waiting for her response.. "What?"

However, they were not postal workers. But under their jagged and ungroomed facial hair, they grinned widely, relieved the toads had failed to see through their disguises, "We're here to deliver the princess this very important package," The more portly of the two answered.

"What's the package?"

The taller and lankier one piped up from behind the large box, "Uh... hair care products?"

"Well it's about time you guys got here!" Said the toad guard as he opened the front entrance, "Just because the princess refuses to pay her subscription fees does not give you the right to cut off her cosmetic products."

The other toad cringed, "You have not seen horror until you accidentally bump into the princess before her morning preparations."

"Especially with that stupid haircut of hers," the other toad added as the two postal fakers ducked into the main lobby of the castle. Once they had made their way up the stairs to the highest room in the castle, they knocked on the grand door of the princess' private quarters.

"Who's there?" Sounded the overly sweet voice from behind the large, pink double doors.

"We're here from the cosmetics factory with your delivery," squeaked the purple clad imposter, failing miserably to disguise his nasally voice. A giddy squeal shrieked from behind the door.

"Well, get in here!" The box was heaved through the doors to the beaming, paper-sack headed princess, "Finally! You guys don't know how much frizz this paper bag is causing me! I hope you brought me the new strawberry scented shampoo!" She opened the box to see the lone item inside. Her gaze became blank and her jaw became slack.

"Well it's not scented per say..." said Wario as he slipped out of his disguise.

"It's not even shampoo!" Waluigi added as he quietly closed and locked the only entrance to Peach's room.

"But we're sure you won't be able to keep your mind off it," Wario joked as he lifted Mini Luigi from his box. Peach lifted her head, her blank eyes never leaving the hypnotizing stare of Mini Luigi's.

* * *

"Any sign yet, Goombella?" Crackled the walkie talkie. Goombella lowered her binoculars and picked up the walkie-talkie, "Vivian, we set up literally 3 seconds ago. Of course there hasn't been any sign yet."

"What if he's not coming out though?" Responded the walkie talkie.

"He has to come out sooner or later," Goombella responded as she refocused her binoculars on the front entrance of Bowser's castle. From a far off cliff Goombella had a clear view of Bowser's main headquarters, where sights of Mr. L had been reported. Stationed in the forest outside of the entrance remained Vivian and Bombette, prepared for a surprise attack at Goombella's order when Mr. L was spotted.

"What if he already left the castle though?" Vivian asked, "And he's not coming back?"

"Well we could've set up sooner if _somebody_ didn't have to stop and make us wait a good half of an hour in line while she got her double shot "whoop" latte!"

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!" the walkie-talkie crackled back. Bombette's rough voice was easily discernible from Vivian's soft and quiet demeanor, "If I don't get my daily latte I'm irritable all day!"

"As opposed to?" Goombella responded. She smiled to herself as the walkie-talkie exploded with angry shouts.

"-AND YOU THINK I'M CRANKY NOW?? HOW ABOUT YOU COME DONE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE LITTLE MISS MORNING PERSON AND I'LL SHOW YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FACE WHAT IRRITABLE IS!!"

"Quiet Bombette! Someone's coming down the road," Vivian said urgently as she sank below the ground. Bombette saw a figure racing down the road and dived behind a large boulder off to the side of the road. All three felt their hearts beat faster with anticipation. Goombella tried to get a visual through the thick canopy of the evergreens, but it was to little avail.

"I think I see some moving green, over," Goombella whispered as softly as she could into the walkie-talkie. There was no response, "Come in Vivian... over." Another long silence met Goombella. Had she blown thier cover? Goombella must've revealed their hiding spot. Mr. L could have the upper hand now that they were vulnerable! If she hadn't been so foolish to call them when they were hiding they could've made it of there. It was all her fault. She was the one to blame. She couldn't return to the kingdom being responsible for the death of two innocent lives. Obviously she had flee the country. Yeah, that's it. Just start over, with a clean slate. She would change her name to Natashia and hide in her new identity as a florist in the unknown parts of the Bean Bean kingdom, everyday learning to keep her secret away from those she had to leave, until one fateful day when an old friend will stumble into the shop, his chiseled physique and handsome smile gleaming in the sun. Sure it'll start out innocently enough, but as time went on they would both fall deeper into love with one another, their passion growing. The only thing keeping them apart would be the dangerous love triangle between them and his preponderant girlfriend. But in the end will be true love that will-

"Okay, he's gone," the walkie-talkie blared. Goombella's thoughts came crashing back to earth.

"Oh... that's cool, I guess," Goombella said with slight disappointment in her voice, "Was it Mr. L?"

"No, I think it was Mac..." Vivian responded.

Goombella confirmed the report through her binoculars, "Yeah, it's Mac. Though he doesn't look quite right."

"He seems kind of out of breath," Vivian commented to the walkie-talkie in her hand. The communication device answered back, "WHAT DOES THAT IDIOT THINK HE'S DOING??"

"Why? What is he doing?" Vivian asked the holed box in her hand.

"He's just prancing in there like he's just going to storm in and kick butt! That is **so** like a man! Always charging in and doing things instead of thinking their actions through. Men are so thoughtless."

"... Did you have a rough break up recently?" Vivian hesitantly asked.

" ......I don't like to talk about it. AND FOR THE RECORD I BROKE UP WITH HIM!"

"Yeah... riiiight." Bombette mocked.

"Wait, I thought Mac was with that one blue koopa and that guy who didn't have internet?" Vivian pondered aloud. The walkie talkie scoffed.

"He probably assumed he could do it himself. I'm getting so sick of that alpha-male junk! "Ooh! Look at me, I'm some attention begging, testosterone driven idiot trying to show off to everyone because I think they give a care I can bench press more than I'll ever need to lift.". If women ruled the world, this planet probably wouldn't be as screwed over as it is. Economic crisis, global warming, rancid deodorant. All caused by men."

"Come on, Goombella, men are good for a few things," Vivian retorted.

"Yeah, like populating Saturn!" Goombella ranted on, "Hold on, something's happening," Goombella peered through the binoculars to the entrance of Bowser's castle, "Mr. L is coming back out! Repeat, Mr. L has left the building!"

Vivian sank below the ground. Bombette resumed her position behind the boulder. The aggravated mumbling became more audible with each step he drew closer.

"Dang it all! Now I'm behind schedule thanks to those bumbling idiots. Hopefully the others are running as late as me," Mr.L said through gritted teeth.

"NOW!" Shouted Goombella's voice, distorted by the static of the walkie-talkie. Vivian shot from the ground and grabbed Mr. L from behind. Bombette lit the fuse as Mr. L struggled against Vivian's tight grasp. Bombette exploded, propelling her hiding boulder through the air and strait to the struggling duo. At the last possible second, Vivian dodged the boulder, keeping Mr. L in place as the large rock smacked him across the forehead, knocking him to the ground cold.

"Boo yah!" Bombette shouted.

"Success!" Vivian yelled into the walkie-talkie.

"Aw yeah! That's how girls get it done!" Goombella sounded off, "Now let's bag him and reap our rewards."

Vivian pulled out a burlap sack, and with some assitance from Bombette, stuffed Mr. L inside. Dragging the heavy sack over her shoulder, Vivian and Bombette made their way through the forest.

* * *

"My life just feels like a constant vortex of pain and torture. Ever since the disfiguring incident I've lost my job, my girlfriend, all of my money on failed surgery, and every one of my friends who didn't die in the horrible accident. The only emotion I've felt for the past 6 years is constant depression."

"I see..." Kooprah Koopfrey said as she slowly shook her head, "And how does that make you feel?"

"... Depressed."

"I see. Well that's all the time we have for now, but after the break we'll learn more about how this ugly, ugly creature lost his good looks and reputation after one life altering mistake we will force him to relive."

"The Kooprah Koopfrey show will be back after a word from our sponsors," The television blared. Mario shoveled another scoop of rocky road in his whimpering mouth. Ever since the underpants episode Mario now spent his days moping around the house, feeling sorry for himself.

Not even Kooprah Koopfrey made him feel better.

Not even ice cream helped.

He blew his nose and threw the handkerchief onto the pile. He reached for another hanky, but his hand landed on an empty box. Mario looked down to see if there were any more hiding in the box, but his eyes instead glanced at his Hero's Membership card. Mario had snapped it in half to make its irritable beeping end, but now that he looked at the shattered pieces, he felt more that it was a physical representation of himself. He had broken his duty as a hero, and his status was shattered.

Mario looked away from the broken card and to the opposite wall. There was a lone picture of Luigi, what his brother used to be. In the photo Luigi's brimming smile showed a boyish cheer, an innocent sense of pride. His eyes were bright and hopeful, and that was one mighty fine 'stache he was sporting. Mario began thinking about his brother. He was the klutz, the forgotten one. He was the laughing stock of kingdom almost always, and always hid in the shadow of his brave big brother. Mario often looked down on Luigi as the kid brother, a childish fool who never got anything right.

Boy has that changed.

"I'm not sure if I want to do this show anymore." Sounded out the television, regaining Mario's attention, "I thought this would help me, but it's just made it all worse."

"Now, now," Kooprah said as she patted her horribly disfigured guest's knee, "I do have some good news."

"Yeah?"

"Everyone in the audience look under your seat! Those are the keys to your new cars!" Kooprah announced to much applause and cheers.

The guest kept looking under his seat, "Hey, where are my keys?"

"You don't get a car, silly! You're the guest!" Kooprah said with a fake smile. The guest loudly sobbed.

Mario couldn't keep his mind off of his little brother, however. He always ignored his brother, and now he was off doing who knew what. And it was his fault. Maybe if he had paid more attention to his brother's needs then he wouldn't have gone off and turned to the dark side. He still had the moment his brother announced traitorous plans over breakfast and glued his butt to a chair replaying in his mind.

Wait.

Mr. L glued Mario's butt to the chair! Then the chair ripped his pants off! So it's Mr. L's fault this even happened in the first place! Mario felt a new kind of fury in him, and for the first time in what felt like ages, Mario got off the couch and headed for the door. However there was a large obstacle preventing him from doing so.

A large mountain of snotty hankies. Really snotty hankies. Gross snotty hankies. Mario slowly reached out his hand for one such hanky and slowly removed it as his gross-o-meter in his mind went off the charts.

This was going to take quite a while.

* * *

Goombario furrowed his brow. He was certain that he had passed this same tree in the Forever Forest 5 times already. The only thing more frustrating than being lost in these endless woods was being stuck in these endless woods with two posers.

"Me? Well I got a Hummer pimped out with some sweet spinners," Lakilester stated, "With surround sound bass."

"I hear ya dawg, I don't touch the steering wheel of any car without hydraulics or neon," Koops replied.

Goombario spun around, "Hummer?? Spike, I came to your "Kingdom's Got Talent" Finale party last month and you had a freaking Subaru in your driveway! And it was Hybrid."

Lakilester thought quickly, "Oh! Yeah, uh... I carjacked that piece of junk and sold it for spare parts."

Koops' eyes were filled with a mix of admiration and jealousy.

With a roll of his own eyes, Goombario studied the features of the forest around him, "I think we take the route closest to the mushrooms growing out of the ground."

Following the backwards-capped Goomba, the two wannabes discussed more about their non-existent rides.

"So what do you pump through your speakers, Skull-Crusher?" Lakilester asked, "......Skull Crusher?"

Koops stared blankly. "...OH! That's my name. Yeah, I usually listen to Third Tryclyde Blind," Lakilester did a double take. Koops realized his mistake, "Uh, I mean I NEVER listen to Third Tryclyde Blind, their music sucks! It's Koop Dogg all the way for this homie!"

"Totally," Lakilester agreed, inwardly wishing he could reveal his love of Limp Bizkit.

"Hey, I see some light!" Goombario shouted eagerly. He bounded for the opening between the trees and kissed the sweet ground once he arrived back at the clearing in Toad Town, "Freedom!"

"Finally, whose idea was it to go into those woods anyways?" Koops asked. Goombario glared at him.

"You said you saw Mr.L in there!"

"No, I said I saw a moving object that in the right light might appear to be Mr.L vomiting violently into a espresso machine whilst playing a xylophone in the shower."

"Which you insisted that we chase for the past 2 and a half hours. And what did it turn out to be when we finally found your mysterious blob?"

"... A butterfly," Koops weakly admitted.

"Seriously, how do you even confuse the two??" Lakilester asked. Before Koops could loudly defend himself, slight murmuring was heard in the forest, "Quick, hide!" Lakilester shouted as he pointed to a nearby shed. The Goomba, Koopa, and Lakitu dove into the shed just as Vivian and Bombette emerged from the forest.

"I still can't believe we bagged him so easily," Vivian excitedly said, dragging the squirming burlap sack behind her. Bombette paused for a moment before responding.

"... Let's ditch the Goomba."

Vivian was taken aback, "What?? How could you say that??"

"Well, think about it. We did all the work while Miss Prissy just sat there and watched. And if just the two of us turn him in, that's a million each! Think about it!"

"But... we made a promise." Vivian fought back.

"Oh come on!" Bombette shouted, "You didn't mind leaving the others for more cash, what difference does Goombella make??"

"Because I wasn't betraying anyone then. I made a promise to Goombella and so did you. And all of this was her idea, so I think she should get some of the reward."

"Look, I'm not letting anyone get in the way of my dreams. If you're not going to do this with me, then I'm just going to have to take you out," Bombette threatened.

"Well, I have a promise to keep," Vivian retorted, "Besides, it's clear that you'd betray me like the others even if I did agree with you."

"Is that how it's going to be?!" Bombette said, "Fine then, it was nice knowing you," Bombette lunged at Vivian, tackling her to the ground.

"CATFIGHT!" Koops shouted from the shed. This would have blown their cover if Vivian and Bombette weren't so engrossed in the heat of the battle.

"Woah, look at them go!" Goombario stated blankly, "Wait, what are they fighting about?"

"Whatever's in that sack, I guess. Must be pretty important if they're getting a million each for it," Goombario couldn't believe it took him this long to piece it together.

"Mr.L's in that sack!"

"He is??" Koops said, shocked. "...HA! I told you he was in the woods!"

"Dude, we should totally take that sack for ourselves," Lakilester said to the others, "Too bad I got my pistol confiscated, otherwise I'd pop a cap in the both of them," he lied.

"Please, I could kill them both with a single bullet. No gun," Koops said.

"........Why don't we just go up and take it?" Goombario asked, "You know, instead of getting arrested?"

"I think they'd notice if we just went up and took it," Lakilester said.

"STOP PULLING MY HAIR YOU *** **** ******* *****!!!" Bombette shouted.

"That was... totally... uncalled for!" Vivian grunted between the blows to her kidney.

"... I'm pretty sure they're preoccupied at the moment," Goombario said dryly. He nudged Koops out of the shed.

Koops slowly tiptoed to the burlap sack. More and more shrieking was heard in the struggle and Koops gently placed his hand on squirming bag. He took a glance back to the shed.

Goombario and Lakilester gave him an encouraging thumbs-up. With a heavy sigh and a deep gulp, Koops grabbed the rope with both hands and sprinted for the shed, not looking back. He dove into the shed.

"I GOT IT GUYS!" Koops said triumphantly as he hoisted the end of the rope high into the air. "...Where did the bag go?"

The bag still remained on the grass, now completely opened. Mr.L poked his head out, confused as to what happened. After a quick scan of his surroundings he high-tailed it out of there.

"Hey! No biting! NO BITING!!" Bombette shouted. Without warning Vivian tackled her to the ground.

"Any last words?" Vivian asked as she held the pink Bob-omb to the dirt. Bombette glanced to the side.

"Look! OVER THERE!"

"Oh yeah, like I would fall for _that_ one," Vivian said.

"NO LOOK! HE'S GETTING AWAY!" Bombette urged. Vivian took a look just in time to see Mr.L disappear around the corner of a nearby house.

"How did he escape??" Asked an exasperated Vivian. Her eyes followed the rope leading from the deflated sack on the ground to the shed. Bombette quietly motioned for her to sneak to the shed's door. Tiptoeing to the shack, they heard Goombario's hushed anger.

"Only you could possibly screw up grabbing a freaking bag!" Goombario hissed loudly to his incompetent partner.

"Well, at least I have arms to screw up grabbing **with**," Koops retorted as he flailed his aforementioned appendages. Lakilester held Goombario back.

"You say that again you dirty little punk! I dare you! I double dog dare you!" Goombario growled under his breath as he tried to squirm out of Lakilester's grasp.

"Besides..." Koops continued, "How are they even going to find out it was us?"

His answer came in the form of a severe rope burn as Vivian yanked the rope out of his hands. All remained silent, except for Koops, who rolled on the floor of the shed howling in pain. Bombette broke the silence.

"You guys just found yourselves in a new world of pain."

* * *

Kooper moaned. Shielding his eyes from the blinding light of the sun, he lifted himself off the ground dazed and confused about what had happened. He looked at his feet. The indent on the ground in the shape of his face brought the prior events flashing back to his mind. The last thing he remembered was Bobbery's screaming.

Bobbery.

Where had his crew members gone? To his left, the dirt remained untouched, but the tracks to his right were fresh. His pals must've given chase. As he followed the dirt road through the forest he couldn't help but think that maybe his childhood in the Koop Scouts might not have been a total waste.

It wasn't long before Bobbery came into view. Kooper ran over to him to ask what he had missed, but his pace slowed as he reached Bobbery, because he was on the ground motionless. Was he dead? Dropping to his knees, Kooper checked for vitals. After failing to find a pulse beneath his hard skin, he placed his hand just above Bobbery's slacked mouth. He felt air moving. Bobbery was breathing.

After some shaking Bobbery smacked his lips together as his eyes slowly opened. Bobbery quickly shut them tight again when the light flooded his pupils, "Ay, what's going on?"

"You tell me," Kooper said as he helped the old sailor to his feet, "You're the one who chased Mr.L through the forest."

Bobbery paused. "... Oy! That traitorous swine Mac! Never trust a Yoshi." Bobbery grumbled.

"Huh?" Kooper asked, "What happened? Tell me everything."

"Well first, you jumped the gun and blew our cover, so Mac and I had to chase that scoundrel through the forest," Bobbery began explaining, "Of course, I'm getting up there in the years so my speed's not what it used to be. Mac got ahead of me, but he wasn't fast enough to catch that lily-livered land lubber."

"Yeah, when that guy gets spooked he can really book it, can't he?" Kooper joked.

"But when I finally caught up to Mac he spun around and choked me until I passed out," Bobbery finished. Kooper face displayed his confusion.

"But... why?? That's just so weird," Kooper said flatly.

"The lad probably wanted the full reward for himself. Greed sure can change people."

They both thought about this fact in silence. Suddenly, the leaves just off the road began ruffling. After a short moment of violent shaking Mac appeared through the brush, his feet and arms bound together by vine, an old sock gagging his mouth.

"What in the..." Kooper shouted, startled. Mac attempted to speak through the gag with little avail.

"What's going on?" Bobbery asked as he removed the gag made of vine.

"I don't have much time to explain," Mac said quickly, "But here's what you need to know; that wasn't Mr.L we were chasing."

Mallow sniffled, "I can't believe no one wanted us on their team. It's like gym class all over again."

Watt gulped down some more of her happy-ccino. She, Mallow, and Flurrie were drowning their sorrows at the Starbeans bistro located only a few miles from the mall.

"Well, it's not all bad, I guess," Flurrie said through a mouthful of her 4th biscotti, "It might be a smaller production than last year's hit, "Thinderella introduces Mr. Fork to Mrs. Electrical Outlet", but I think "Beauty and the Feast" will still be a hit."

Mallow stared blankly, "... I think I'm starting to notice a certain trend in your productions as of late."

"What ever could you mean?" Flurrie asked honestly. Watt, who was born without the "rude filter" cortex of her brain, was quick to answer.

"He's saying that the last time you saw "90210", you were on the bathroom scale."

"WHAT?? WHY YOU LITTLE...!" Flurrie screamed. Before the cloud prince could defend himself Flurrie punched the boy hard in the stomach, an action that drained Flurrie of her remaining energy. As the crybaby loudly balled Flurrie reached for another biscotti. However, she inserted poor Watt into her mouth instead of the iced bread. Should have Watt not screamed he would have been swallowed whole just like the 4 biscottis before him.

At this time, Mr.L was racing down the road, "Alright, the rendevous should be a few more blocks down this way, then to the left... what in the...?" Mr.L looked skyward. Though meteorologically impossible, rain was pouring down from the cloudless sky above him. His bewilderment was cut short as a screaming ball of lightning was propelled at high speed from the bistro, thanks in large part to Flurrie's rather impressive lung capacity. Mr.L instinctively caught the ball with both hands before it struck, a rather bad idea indeed because holding a condensed ball of electricity in heavy rain makes for a very fine enviroment for electrocution to take place. Which it did, of course.

Flurrie's mouth remained agape. Mallow stopped his sobbing. And Watt looked down on the man who laid limp in the street, the same man he saw earlier in a wanted poster for 2 million coins.

"Is... is he... dead?" Watt asked, the word "dead" barely escaping her lips. Mallow and Flurrie scurried over to the body sprawled across the cobblestone road leading to the castle. Without a word they looked at one another. A wide grin spread slowly across their faces.

"...so yeah, he can forget about me ever agreeing to his friend request on MyFaceSpaceBook........ Hey, I don't care whether it was a mistake or not, when you show up at the party wearing the same thing as me then its going to get ugly," The toad guard rambled on, causing unimaginable fees on her phone bill.

"I swear, one of these days you won't have that thing glued to your ear. And when your back is turned, your precious little mPhone is going to meet my little friend; Mr. Hammer," her fellow toad guard mumbled under his breath.

"I'm sorry, did you say something to me? I swear, you're so talkative today."

Before the suffering toad guard could point out her hypocrisy, Flurrie, Watt, and Mallow appeared triumphantly on the horizon, collectively dragging a limp Mr.L through the dirt. The toad guards were in shock.

"I'll have to talk to you later," the toad guard blankly said as she put her cell phone away. "Is... is that who I think it is??"

"Oh, you mean this super villain who was rated Public Enemy #1?" Watt said, "Yep, that's Mr.L in the flesh."

"Now, about those coins the princess offered for his return..." Flurrie hinted.

"Uh, right away," said a still flabbergasted toad guard, "Let me take you to the princess herself."

He lead the 3 through the doors of the castle and up the stairs. After some time, they made their way to the doors of Peach's room. With 3 knocks on her door the guard announced, "Princess, Mr.L has been captured."

Wario and Waluigi looked at one another, not sure what to do, "Princess, are you still in there?" Was heard beyond the locked door.

"Uhh... just a minute..." Wario squeaked in a high-pitched voice in a pathetic attempt to mimic the princess's voice.

"Are you okay, Your Highness?" asked the toad waiting patiently outside the door, "You don't sound right."

The door was opened a crack, just enough for Waluigi and Wario to stick Peach's arm through and flail about to create the illusion of her actually talking, "Uh... I just have a cold is all," Wario squeaked.

"You're sick? I should come in and see if you're alright," the toad guard said, reaching for the door.

"Um, don't come in! I'm not dressed."

"But I can see the sleeve of your dress..." the toad guard said. Waluigi's hand came into sight as it ripped off the sleeve, leaving the princess's bare shoulder.

"......okay. Anyways, these 3 are here to collect the reward."

"Oh, yes. Well, just send him in and I'll give them the coins."

"No can do princess, we can't take that risk. He's going straight to the dungeon. They just want their 2 million coins."

The excitement was seen in Mallow's and Flurrie's eyes. However, Watt showed less excitement, "You know, we don't exactly have to turn this guy in. We could just let him go."

"What??" Mallow and Flurrie screamed.

"Well to me, Public Enemy #1 is certainly worth more than 2 million coins. Wouldn't you agree, Princess?"

"Are you extorting Her Highness for money??" the toad guard exclaimed.

"We could call it a negotiation if it makes you feel better," Watt commented.,"Now, I think Mr.L is easily worth 10 million coins. Per captor."

"Sure, whatever you want," Wario squeaked, "Just give them the coins and put him in the dungeon."

Mallow and Flurrie were flabbergasted. Less than a million coins each just skyrocketed to 10 million coins in less than 8 seconds. The toad guard took the unconscious villain as each member was given several large sacks of coins. They looked at one another and said one thing.

"MONEY DANCE!"

As they danced and rolled around in their pool of money, two dastardly brothers exchanged worried glances.

"Well, that wasn't exactly the plan, was it?" Waluigi said.

"Hey, as long as he's in the castle, right?" Wario told him, "We better call the big cheese and tell him what's up," With that, he pulled out a walkie-talkie to tell Bowser about the change in plans.

* * *

Goombella tapped her foot. She had been waiting at the train station far too long. Especially considering that Vivian and Bombette were to arrive first and wait for her. Deciding that they must've gotten lost in the Forever Forest despite Bombette's confidence about being able to navigate through those woods, she set off to find them.

However, Goombella didn't even reach the woods before hearing a small girl screaming and a sound that could only be identified as violent squealing. With her "Good Samaritan" senses kicking in, Goombella quickly darted into the shed, where she found Vivian and Bombette giving the worst beating to Goombario and Lakilester any mortal eyes could witness. Koops was left alone on the ground after having blacked out from the pain.

"What is going on here?!?" Goombella shouted. Everyone, including Goombario and Lakilester, paused and met eye to eye with a shocked Goombella, "What do you think you're doing??"

"You wouldn't believe what these three just did!" Bombette shouted, "They helped Mr.L escape!"

Goombella turned to the bruised and bloody victims, "WHAT!?!"

"Weh dibent meen thu," Lakilester apologized through fat lips.

"Even so, that's not cool to just tamper with our stuff while our backs are turned," Vivian scolded.

"... your backs were turned?" Goombella said with a tightened glare. Vivian and Bombette were now on the defensive.

"Only for a few seconds... we were just... taking a break," Bombette lied.

"No, we were fighting with each other and didn't notice until it was too late," Vivian quietly admitted.

"Fighting? Over what?" Goombella asked.

"Well, Bombette said we should ditch you and turn in Mr.L ourselves for more money. But I didn't want to, and I guess we just started fighting over it. I'm so sorry," Vivian apologized.

Goombella's mouth was agape, "Why you little-"

"Oh please, like you'd do anything different," Bombette interrupted, "I was just taking a page from **your** book."

Goombella was hurt, "But, that was different..."

"How?? How was it any different?" Bombette asked with fierce intensity, using the question as if it were a criminal record. Goombella couldn't give an answer, so Bombette drove the point in deeper, "You just decided to go off and ditch the rest of us for more money, thinking that you didn't need any one else except for yourself!"

"But... but..." Goombella stammered, trying to find a justified explanation. But when Bombette put it that way she was no better than Mr.L himself.

Koops stirred awake, "Ugh... what happened?" All eyes turned towards him, but none said a word, "... Why aren't we fighting anymore?"

"Because there's nothing to fight for..." Goombella said quietly, "Look at us, we're fighting one another over the same thing, and while we were so focused on battling one another the villain got away." When this was taken into thought, they all felt horrible for their actions. No one dared to speak because there really wasn't anything you could tell these once nobel people to make them feel better. But there was one more horrible thing you could to say to them, which would only be spoken with someone who had no social integrity.

"'Sup losers!" Watt bellowed as he dragged his large bags of cash into the shed, "Guess who got the bad guy?"

"Us!" Mallow said, strutting in wearing his first spendings. Bling bling from head to toe that made Koops and Lakilester drool profusely.

Flurrie came in wearing an expensive fur coat and talking to her agent on her new WhiteBerry Twister, "... Hey, her own trailer, specific Chex Mix, give her whatever she wants. It's not like we don't have the money," Flurrie said, followed by a pompous laugh reserved only for those in high society.

"Wait, you guys caught Mr.L?? Isn't that like, physically impossible?" Goombario said in a stunned tone.

"Talk to the pinkie ring," Mallow retorted, receiving high fives from Flurrie and Watt.

"It was so easy, too. I don't know why it was so hard for you guys," Watt continued gloating, "But I guess I wasn't cool or skilled enough for you people. Oh well..." Watt shrugged, feeling like the very definition of awesome with his ironic taunting.

"... and none of that fake food prop crud, I want a real, steaming glazed turkey on that table," Flurrie continued in the background. "...Yes during the rehearsals! How are we suppose to practice properly without the correct set?"

"Anyways, we were just on our way," Watt said as she lifted her many oversized bags of coins, "We just thought we'd stop by and say hi to the lesser heroes," With that, she turned and ran smack dab into Bobbery's face, "Ow! Hey, watch where I'm walking, 'kay?"

"Here they are, boys!" Bobbery shouted, ignoring the arrogant ball of light. Mac and Kooper poked their heads through the door.

"What's going on?" Koops asked again. With everyone gathered in that one spot, now was as good as anytime to explain what Mac knew what the others didn't. Knowledge that would change everything.

* * *

Mr.L woke up on the cold floor. He flipped over onto his stomach and slowly got onto all fours. A slight headache made him shake his head side to side before he was willing to open his eyes. Rubbing his scalp, he opened his eyes to see concrete below him. 3 of the walls around him were gray concrete, the 4th wall was made of iron bars.

"Well, well, well.... if it isn't the legendary Mr.L?" A toad guard mocked as he came down through the hallway, "You know, I've never had to make the dungeon part of my rounds before. Then again, we've only had one guest here before," he said as he motioned towards the cell across the hall from Mr.L, which had a skeleton whose hands gripped the bars tightly, its jaw hanging low as if it were screaming.

The toad guard openly laughed at the shocked expression on Mr.L's face, "Well, we hope you enjoy your stay here at the castle. Because you'll be here for a long, long time."

The Toad guard hobbled up the stairs, feeling pretty good. After all, it's not everyday you get to taunt a renown super villain. Moving that old, icky skeleton into that pose was totally worth it.

"Hey Carl. I need you to feed the villain."

"What? But that's not my duty."

"Yeah, it's Bob's. But he fed Cathy's cat while she was away so he asked her to do, and Joe owes Cathy a favor so she gave the duty to him, and he saved Tim from a bear attack. Joe gave the job to Tim, and then he gave the duty to Bob saying that he could pay off the last 20 bucks off his debt by doing the job. Bob secretly gave Ashley the job since she has to make up for wrecking his lawn mower, and Ashley passed the job onto me since she knows my little secret and threatened to tell others about it if I didn't do the job. And I believe you lost a bet with me on whether you could jump a motorcycle with another motorcycle, and you still have to do 3 more of my chores," Todd finished as he passed the cold plate of kitchen leftovers to Carl. Carl glared angrily as he took the plate and headed back down the stairs. At least he only had 2 more heinous chores to finish before that idiotic bet would no longer hang over him.

"Hey buddy, I got a little something for you," Carl chanted as if Mr.L were a dog, "Your favorite, liver!"

"Uhm thuh meebah doohuh. Emfri coh jeja bo kai," was Mr.L's response.

"What in the..." Carl said as he set the food on the ground. Mr.L ignored his comment, and kept rambling the incoherent mumblings from his old, dusty book he had brought, "Dude, are you okay?"

Mr.L shot up and stared intensely at Carl with his beady eyes as if he were possessed by something. He slowly approached the iron bars of the cell.

"Um... anyways, I got you something to eat," Carl said nervously. He lifted the plate from the floor and passed it through the bars. Mr.L never stopped peering into Carl's terrified eyes.

"Wh-what are you doing??" Carl's voice trembled. Mr.L's arm shot out from the bars and grabbed Carl by the shirt, balling the fabric in a tight fist. Carl could feel some dark force taking action within him. Looking down at his body he only managed to stammer a gasp as the color was slowly draining his body, blotches of black spreading throughout like a deadly virus. Mr.L smiled wickedly as his body slowly distorted as if he were liquid and ripples were splashing over him. Carl watched in horror as Mr.L slowly compacted and twisted into his own image. Carl was now looking at himself through the bars, his reflection bearing a wicked smile.

The doppleganger released Carl from his grip and let the shocked toad fall to the ground. The true Carl tried to scream for help, but nothing came out. He strained as hard as he could, but his voice wasn't heard.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" The fake mocked as he reached for the keys that came with the transformation. Letting himself out of his cell, the doppler picked up his book. He turned to Carl, who remained on the ground. Carl was hoisted off the ground and thrown into the cell. Carl scrambled to his feet, but was too slow to reach the door. As the cell was locked, the fake left with a wave of his hand.

"Hey Carl, thanks for taking care of that whole dinner thing," Todd greeted as the doppleganger emerged from the dungeon, "I can't stand the smell of liver!"

"Yeah, me either."

Hidden in plain sight, the ne'er-do-well made his merry way up the stairs of the castle, greeted by more and more toad guards as he ascended to the highest tower of the castle.

"I spy with my little eye..." Waluigi dragged on.

"I said I'm not playing that sissy game with you!" Wario shouted.

"... something pink," Waluigi finished.

"Well, what isn't pink in this room?" Wario said, disgusted by the feminine decor. "......throw pillow."

"Nope."

"Dang."

3 knocks were heard at the door, "Let me in, you guys."

"Who is it?" Waluigi asked, looking through the keyhole of the door.

"Who do you think it is?" The voice snarled from the other side.

Waluigi opened the door, recognizing those beady eyes anywhere, "Well it's about time you got here, Doopliss."

"Jeez, it took us all of 20 minutes to get in here," Wario commented.

Doopliss changed out of his copied form, and with a sigh of relief said, "Well you didn't have half the kingdom on your tail, did you?"

"Well at least Mr.L was smart enough to have you disguise as him before coming here in the off chance you did get caught," Waluigi said, "He's a smart cookie."

"Well he isn't exactly who you believe him to be," Doopliss said, "I learn more about a person than how to look like them when I take on their form."

"What are you talking about, Doopliss?" Wario asked.

"What if I were to tell you that we had a traitor in our midst?"

* * *

"So here's how it went down," Mac continued after explaining Mr.L was actually Doopliss in disguise, "I chased after "Mr.L" but I didn't see him so I thought he had escaped. So I stop running. And it turns out he actually scampered up a tree, and when I stopped he leaped from the branch and tackled me to the ground. That's how he bound and gagged me since I was caught off-guard."

"Right, that's the only possible explanation," Goombella interjected. With a glare, Mac continued.

"All of a sudden he just grabs me, and does this weird thing where he takes my form and leaves me weak and powerless. I couldn't even talk! It was as if I was just a shadow or something. Then he tosses me in the thick of the woods just as Bobbery comes up. I tried to yell, but nothing came out. Next thing I know, the doppleganger's suffocating Bobbery and heading to Bowser's castle."

"Wait!" Goombella shouted, "That wasn't you that went into Bowser's castle??"

"No, I was stuck in the woods all day. Why, did you see "me" go into Bowser's castle?"

"Yeah, but then Mr.L came out," Goombella said, "But now that I think about it, he didn't look...right. You know what I mean?"

"Wait, so none of us had Mr.L??" Goombario said trying to piece everything together.

"We did, though," Mallow said blankly, "Right?"

"Depends... which way did "Mr.L" run off to when you let him out of the bag?" Bobbery asked Goombario.

"He went down that cobblestone road, you know. The one that passes the bistro and goes straight to the castle."

Mallow, Flurrie, and Watt exchanged glances, "So we never caught Mr.L?"

"I'm afraid not. This guy was just a red herring to fool us while he did something else," Kooper said.

"Wow..." Koops said blankly, "This guy is **good**."

"Well it's obvious what we do now..." Watt said to the others.

"What's that?" Flurrie asked.

"RUN!!" With that Watt picked up her bags of cash and fled for the border.

"Wait, what?" Mallow shouted.

"Dude, this money isn't legit. And when they figure that out and we can't pay it back in full what do you think is going to happen to us??" Watt explained quickly.

Mallow and Flurrie thought about this for a second or two before picking up their own sets of filthy riches and fleeing the country. Those left in the shed said nothing about the spectacle.

* * *

"...Got any 3's?" General ShyGuy asked after much consideration.

"We're playing Poker," Bowser explained for the 4th time that day, "So hurry up and tell me if you call or fold."

"BLACK JACK!" General ShyGuy proclaimed, slamming his cards on the table; A full house of 3 5's and 2 3's.

Bowser looked at his pair of 2's, "I'm gonna take that as a fold..." The Koopa King said, as he scraped the pile of poker chips to his end of the table. Mr.L shook his head.

"So how long is this going to take?" General ShyGuy asked, ignoring that his ignorance had lost him his mortgage payment for the month.

"I don't know, Wario just called saying that there was a delay. Again."

"Yeah, that first false alarm really caught me off guard," ShyGuy said, referring to the planned signal that it was their time of action.

"We hadn't even made it out of the castle, though," Bowser commented as he dealt the cards, "So it wasn't really possible for them to have been ready already,"

"Hey Dad," Bowser Jr. shouted as he came to the card table, "The troops are finishing their last preparations, but the Bowser Mecha those Koopa Bros. promised is no where to be found."

"Well if everything goes right we won't even need that mecha, frankly I just asked them to get it so they'd get away from me." Bowser commented, Mr.L and General ShyGuy nodding their heads in agreement.

"I know what you mean. Someone needs to tell them the 90's are over." Bowser Jr. added as he turned to leave. Bowser tapped on his shoulder and whispered to him so the others couldn't hear.

"Hey son, how's that little _project _of ours coming along?" The koopa king hinted.

"It's all set, all I need to do is set it up once we get there." Bowser Jr. whispered back.

"Excellent, now go off and bother the rookies or something." Bowser said as he sent his son off. He looked at his cards; 1, 5, ace, king, 4. Maybe with some expert bluffing, he could pull this hand out.

"So explain to me how to play this game again..." General ShyGuy said as he peered at his cards.

"First you throw some money in the center," Bowser explained, "and I choose whether to "call" it or not."

"How much money can I throw in?"

Bowser sighed, "As much as you want really, as long as everyone else can match it."

The General shoved his entire pile of chips to the center of the table.

"You can't be serious..." Bowser exasperated.

"Well that's what they do in the movies..."

"Okay, if you think your cards are really that good..." Bowser said, hesitant to match the chips. He had to really put his game face on.

"Now what?"

"Well, normally we'd raise, but you already put your entire bettings on the table. So now we just see whose hand is better. Winner takes the money."

"Oh... can I redo that last turn?"

Bowser slammed his forehead on the table. Just then, the signal went off. Doopliss can't copy more than one person at a time, so if he copies a new person, or removes a current copy, the last person who was turned into a shadow has their form returned to them. So as Doopliss turned into the toad guard, Mr.L was given back his form. As his mug became visible, Bowser and General ShyGuy knew it was time.

With a devilish grin, Bowser began the 2nd phase of the plan by uttering a single line.

"Troops, prepare to storm the castle."

* * *

"Mmmmmm... best turkey sandwich I've ever had," The toad guard said as she licked her fingers of the goodness and emerged from inside the castle, "Hey, thanks for holding the position for a while while I had lu- OH MY GAWD!!"

The Toad guard screamed at the horrible sight of her smashed mPhone left in pieces on the ground. Her lower lip quibbled uncontrollably as she got on all fours to inspect the damage, "Wh-wh-what happened?!?"

The other toad guard quietly slipped his friend into his back pocket as a stampede of Goombas, Koopas, Yoshis, Bob-ombs, a Shadow Siren, and a Lakitu came bounding up to the castle.

"Halt..." The Toad guard commanded loudly over the violent sobs of his fellow guard, "What business do you have?"

"We have come to warn her majesty of the grave danger to come!" Lakilester said. Every other member of the group stared at him blankly, "...Er, I mean, YOU BEST WATCH YOURSELF 'FORE YOU WRECK YO SELF!"

With a roll of his eyes Goombario explained, "We have reason to believe that Mr.L is still at large."

"Impossible," the toad guard scoffed, "Mr.L was turned in for the reward little over an hour ago."

"We know that!" Bombette shouted impatiently, "He was a fake."

"Please, I doubt the princess would shell out 30 million coins for a fake," the guard said with a scoff.

"Listen, we have to... wait, did you just say 30 million coins??"

"Yeah, apparently "negotiations" were made," The toad guard informed to the group. Everybody glanced at one another, speechless, "Besides, you don't see any danger happening, do you?"

As if to contradict that last statement, a faint, slow rumbling became audible. Everybody slowly turned their attention to the horizon on the far off hills. An army of Goombas, Koopas, and Hammer Bros. of all sorts stampeded to the gates of the castle. Among them, a lone tank driven by General ShyGuy escorted the likes of Bowser and Mr.L himself, both dastardly smiling as their plan came to fruition.

The toad guard's mouth hung agape at the sight of the oncoming attack. Fumbling with his communicator he pressed the "talk" button and shouted, "Code Lavender! I repeat; CODE LAVENDER! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"

"Code Lavender?" Kooper asked blankly. Without warning every toad in the building came running out of the castle with spears and shields in hand. The entire force of the toad guard brigade stampeded out of every entryway in the castle to meet the oncoming attack head on. Swept up in the intensity of the moment, the group of Mac, Bobbery, Kooper, Koops, Lakilester, Goombario, Goombella, and Bombette shouted their battle cries and charged the onslaught.

Slowly the two mobs converged on the battle flight, toad and Goomba meshing together in an all out war. A crowd of screaming warriors, each member surrounded by ally and enemy. Among the clang of weaponry, General ShyGuy shouted out, "SPARTANS!! PREPARE FOR GLORY!!"

Bowser and Mr.L gave him a strange look. "..."

"...What?" ShyGuy asked, embarrassed.

"Man, look at them go," Mr.L commented as he watched several troops being flung through the air in the ensuing battle, "I hope we don't lose too many men."

"I wouldn't worry. If Doopliss has done his end of the job correctly then we shouldn't have to worry about this pestilence for much longer," Bowser said as he looked at his watch, "Just a few more minutes now."

A poor Koopa screamed in agony as he fell to the ground, "MY SHIN!"

"Yeah, how do you like them apples!" Goombario shouted as he turned and kicked another Koopa in the shin. Lacking arms, the Goomba had to rely on the bone-breaking power of his feet.

"You... traitor..." the Koopa said as he blacked out from the pain.

"I wasn't even on your side to begin with," Goombario said flatly. Without warning he took a blow to the back of the head. Losing consciousness instantly, he fell onto the ground face first, much to the shock of his fellow allies.

"Oh man!" Mac screamed, "I think he might be dead!"

Bobbery ran over checked on the capped Goomba, "He's not breathing! He needs CPR!"

"Quick, who knows CPR?!" Mac yelled.

"I do!" Goombella shouted, "Who needs it?" Mac pointed at Goombario on the ground, "Oh you gotta be kidding me."

"Hey, you better get over there fast," Mac said. Goombella sighed and ran over to Goombario's side.

"Help me flip him over," she commanded Bobbery. He obliged, turning the poor Goomba onto his back. His tongue limped over the side of his bottom lip, "Mac, you have arms. I need you to come over here and pump his chest."

"Kinda busy right now!" Mac shouted as he held off 3 Koopas at once.

"Just get over here!" Goombella shouted.

"FINE!" Mac shouted, throwing his adversaries to the side, "How do I do it?"

"Just push down on his chest and count like this. 1-2-3... 1-2-3..."

"1-2-3... 1-2-3..." Mac counted off

"Okay, now when you pause, that's when you have to fill his lungs with air."

"How do I do that?"

"You have to... you know... blow into his mouth," Mac stopped pumping.

"...FRICK NO!" Mac screamed. "You do it!"

"I don't have arms to pump with, though," Goombella retorted.

"I'll do the pumping. You do the lip thing," Mac said as he got to work.

Goombella slowly turned to the kid on the ground. With a sigh, she got on the ground and hesitantly bent over over Goombario. She slowly brought her lips closer to Goombario's, taking as long as humanly possible. Just when she was about to make contact Goombario giggled.

With a gasp Goombella slapped (kicked) Goombario hard across the cheek and stormed off. Gritting his teeth, Goombario sat up in the grass and looked Mac in the eye.

"... I still want those 20 bucks," Mac said as he got up as well and joined the fight.

"You're such a pig," Bombette commented as she ran past Goombario, which may have not been such wise choice of words.

Bobbery helped Goombario to his feet, "You know, that was actually kinda pathetic of you."

"Shut up," Goombario said as the castle's tower bell rang in the distance.

"What? I'm just saying that *oink* *oink*"

Goombario jumped at the sight of Bobbery being transformed into pig.

"AAH! Bobbery, you turned into a *oink* *oink*!!"

One by one every toad and enemy of Bowser's army were transformed into swine as the bell rang. Lacking fingers, the pigs were forced to unwilling drop their weapons in surrender.

"Wow, that worked even better than expected!" Mr.L shouted over the scared squealing of the pigs, "Doopliss sure knows how to make a curse."

"Alright troops, let's claim our castle!" Bowser said with a commanding point of his finger, "Today the Mushroom Kingdom bows to my power."

With cheering and rally cries of the troops, the Koopa Kingdom sieged Princess Peach's castle, and no one was left to hinder the king's devious plans. Or so they assumed.

* * *

The door to Mario's home flung open as the gasping plumber dove onto the porch. For several minutes he remained laying on the floor of the porch squirming with disgust of removing that pile of wet, snotty tissues from his door. Eventually, Mario calmed down to the point where he could bring himself to his feet.

Wiping the residue snot from his sleeve, Mario made his way to the castle, using the lone road that lead from his home to the castle. If anyone was going to know the whereabouts of his AWOL brother, it was going to be someone working in the force. Reaching the grounds leading to the castle, Mario stopped in his tracks, dumbfounded by the fact that the castle suddenly had its own pig farm... With spears and shields scattered across the ground. Strange.

A few of the pigs noticed Mario right away and ran up to him. Among them, a pig with a blue baseball cap, a pig wearing shades, a pig with a bandage over its nose, a pig with a blonde ponytail, a pig with a braided ponytail, a pig with a mohawk, a pig with an admiral's hat, a pig with a red-striped hat, a pig with a red ascot, a pig with the master sword, a pig with an arm cannon, a pig with a lightning bolt-shaped tail, and a pig whose strange headgear commanded him to do a barrel roll. While the 4 latter pigs were less concerned about Mario as they were about how they found themselves in this strange land, all of the other pigs jumped excitedly around the plumber, as if to say, "Help us, we've been turned to pigs by an evil sorcerer and seeing how you haven't been turned to useless swine you must charge into the castle and handle this situation before we're all sitting ducks!", in more or less terms.

Motivated by the pigs' jumping and squealing, Mario strided to the front entrance of the castle in true heroic fashion, leading the way to a bright and prosperous future free of villainy and crime. As Mario took that significant first step on the bridge leading over the castle's moat and to the door, a nasally screech from above grabbed his attention.

"HEY MARIO! WE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU!!" Waluigi bellowed from Peach's window above the bridge. Waluigi then ran back into the room. Mario looked at the empty window for a few minutes, wondering what the surprise was. Moments later, a large cardboard box that had been earlier hoisted into the castle was lifted onto the window's sill. With a tip of the box, a cascade of blue hedgehogs poured out and onto Mario.

Mario's muscles instantly locked in place with fear, make escape impossible as the hedgies knocked him to the ground. Encased in the sea of blue furballs, his heart threatened to rip his chest wide open with the intensity of its beating, his lungs felt constricted, unable to breathe, and his eyes rapidly moves left and right, taking in the horrible, squirming sight around him.

Above him, Wario and Waluigi were having a grand ol' time just watching him compulsively writhe on the ground. Bowser came through the door.

"Hey, great job Doopliss. That pig thing worked better than expected," Mr.L complemented. Doopliss just ignored him, and turned to Bowser.

"So is that it? Did we win?"

Bowser pursed his lips in thought, "Well, let's see; toad army vanquished, Mario incapacitated, and the Princess under my hypnotic control," Bowser stood in silence as he tried to think of a down side.

"Nope, I think we just won!" He announced. Everyone in the room celebrated their victory with loud shouts and goofy dancing. Finally they had the upper hand and put those troublesome good doers in their place.

"Everybody to the kitchen for victory cookies and juice!" General ShyGuy announced gleefully. The group of villains chattered about the expected deliciousness of these cookies as they left the room. Bowser remained in the room.

"Hey, you coming, big guy?" Mr.L asked before leaving the room.

"No, I have more important things to attend to," The Koopa King replied, slowly stroking the hypnotized princess's flowing hair.

"Gotcha," Mr.L said as he left the room. He couldn't believe they had actually managed to pull this off. Feeling a sense of pride, he strutted down the corridor to the kitchen for his well earned cookie.

"Hey, Green," A voice sounded from the shadows. Mr.L turned to see Doopliss waiting in an alcove of the hallway,"Where do you think you're going?"

"...For some cookies," Mr.L replied blankly, confused by Doopliss's secretive demeanor.

"Oh really, you aren't planning to do something else?" Doopliss asked as he emerged into the light, "Like backstabbing the King when he least expects it?"

"What? Why would I-"

"Oh come on! Are you seriously trying to lie to me!?" Doopliss asked with ferocity, "When I take on another's form, I learn more than their physical appearance. I learn about them, their thoughts, their plans, their hopes. And when I took your form, I learned about your little plan to only join along as a means to get closer to Bowser and take him out personally."

Mr.L was in shock, "What?? B-but that's impossible! I never planned to-"

"No use hiding it, Mr.L. Or should I say, "Luigi"?" Doopliss said, brandishing a sword, "It seems that I have no choice but to take you out personally."

"Wait, how do you know my name??" Luigi asked.

"You thought I was bluffing? I know everything about you. You're 15th birthday party disaster, your secret fear of lawn gnomes, even your little crush. Brunette, right? Yeah, I know everything. Even your weak spot. Pretty handy thing to know in battle..." Doopliss trailed off before swinging his sword violently at Luigi. Luigi was quicker, managing to swipe a sword from a nearby knight replica and fend off Doopliss's attack in one swift motion. Doopliss swung again, clashing his sword against Luigi's.

* * *

Mario's mind was racing. He had never before endured such an ordeal, being completely encased in the thing you feared most. Surely this was the most sadistic thing his enemies had ever done. But what made the situation all the more horrible was that he had managed to come so... so close.

Again his thoughts found their way to his little brother. His little bro just feared about anything, ghosts, the dark, even lawn gnomes. But somehow he always overcame his fear when it was needed, like when he saved Mario from the likes of King Boo. There seemed to always be that piece of bravery in him he could call on when it was needed, seeming to come over any fear with ease.

Mario didn't want to be afraid of stupid little blue hedgehogs, he was downright embarrassed by the fact. But wanting something unfortunately didn't make it happen, and so Mario remained on the bridge uncontrollably fidgeting with fright.

The pigs had gathered in a giant mob to watch Mario, thinking that he would get up at any moment and start stomping his way to the doors. But as time went on more and more lost hope, starting to pity the very person they once considered the infallible hero. But others simply weren't going to give up so easily.

Mario came to the conclusion that he'd spend the rest of his life unable to regain enough composure to move, and that's he'd slowly starve to death covered in the most despicable creature on this earth. Suddenly he was moving through the pile without even thinking about it. Lifting his head out of the pile, he saw that some of the pigs he had been motivated by earlier were clearing a path through the thicket of hedgehogs. The others were collectively pushing against from behind, shoving the plumber to the doors of the castle. Finally emerging from his personal inferno, Mario got on all fours and started kissing the sweet, hedgehog-less ground. Gettting to his feet, he looked at his brave saviors, unable to shake the feeling he had met them at some earlier point.

"Oink oink!" shouted the mohawked pig encouragingly. Mario nodded.

* * *

"Not bad for a plumber," Doopliss said between swings of his sword, driving his opponent to the very dead end of the hallway.

"Watching karate movies helps..." Luigi said, learning the ways of the sword vicariously through the power of all-night movie marathons.

"Have the movies taught you **this** move?" Doopliss said, reaching out and grabbing Luigi by the throat. Doopliss's form started misshaping again, taking Luigi's form for the 3rd time that day. Luigi felt the energy drain from every inch his body as he slowly turned into a shadow. When the transformation was complete, Luigi was looking at himself as if he were looking into a mirror. His sword hit the floor, his arm unable to bear its weight.

Doopliss poked Luigi in the chest, causing his knees to buckle. Falling hard onto the carpet, his doppleganger laughed menacingly, towering above him.

"To think you came so close to foiling my plans. As the new ruler of this land, everyone will learn the true theatrical talent I possess. And they'll be sorry for ever casting me as the lowly part of "electric outlet" of last year's production," Doopliss monologued, "And now you get your just desserts. And I can go nice and slow, seeing how no one will hear your screams of pain," he said as he playfully swished the air in front of Luigi's face.

Leaning in close, Doopliss asked Luigi his final horribly ironic question, "So... any last words?"

"Yeah! How about "duck"?!?" A voice shouted from behind. Doopliss spun around to look the voice's owner in the face. Mario socked Doopliss hard in the face the second he turned around, causing him to fly through the window at the end of the corridor. Mario watched as Doopliss fell 2 stories out the window and land with a hard thud in the garden.

"OUCH! I think I broke my back!" Wailed the doppleganger.

"Welcome to the club," Toadsworth commented not 4 feet away from him.

Finally, after all this time, Mario got his revenge on his traitorous brother with a single blow to the face. Expecting some gratification, some happiness to get his revenge, he didn't feel quite right. After all, he fought through a mountain of snot and a sea of blue hedgehogs for this moment. But ironically, he felt remorse for hurting his brother, and possibly paralyzing him.

"Oh no... what have I done?" Mario said with his now quivering voice, "Oh man, my only brother! Why? WHY DID I HURT HIM??" He cried through loud sobs, "Please, let him be okay. I'm begging you, please make him okay! I'm sorry!" Looking down on the pain he caused his brother, Mario kept praying everything would be alright.

Luigi was stunned. Mario had punched Doopliss thinking it was him, but he was an unnoticable shadow on the ground. But he was more shocked by what he was now seeing. He never saw his brother care about him like this before. It made him feel... wanted. Like he mattered. Like he was someone.

Luigi realized that was all he wanted all along. Just to know that someone noticed him, that he honestly was cared about. He only took on this Mr.L persona in the hopes of getting people's attention. But now that the most important person to him shared mutual feelings, he didn't care what anyone else thought.

Mario rubbed his eyes of tears, and looked down through the window. He watched as Doopliss started reforming to his old self, unable to hold his disguise in the immense pain. Mario watched his pained brother disappear. Too flabbergasted by the scene, he almost jumped when his brother spoke out.

"Was that stuff true?" Luigi asked. Mario stared at his brother as if he had come back form the dead. An angel above must've granted his wish.

Luigi smiled and held out his arms. Mario ran over and embraced his brother, overjoyed to be united with the old Luigi he knew and loved. Once the loving moment had passed, Mario looked at his brother. And got a weird look on his face.

Confused by the reaction, Luigi looked down to see what was wrong with him. Mario pointed at Luigi's face. Running his hand across his face to search for any imperfections, Luigi's fingers stopped at his bare, hair-less upper lip.

"What the... where's my sta-" Luigi began before getting interrupted.

"Awww, that's so cute," Goombella said from down the corridor, "They're hugging."

"What the, I saw you guys turn to swine!" Luigi yelled in confusion.

"Yeah, well, first we hear someone scream about a broken back next thing we know we're not rolling around in the mud," Bobbery explained.

"I miss the mud," Goombario said with sadness in his voice.

"So, I see you two made up," Vivian pointed out.

"So does mean that everything's back to normal?" Mac asked, "And that you're back on our side?"

"Nope," Luigi answered.

"That's great, we knew you'd come ba- wait, WHAT???" Mac said, astonished by Luigi's answer.

"Well, the thing is, you guys never respected me. Ever. With Bowser and the guys I'm treated like I'm important. That I really make a difference."

Mario pointed out the window at Doopliss who was now crying like a little sissy.

"Hey, there's exceptions to every rule," Luigi commented, "Fact of the matter is, I belong with these guys. Sure, Mario's my loving my brother and everything, but he'll always be no matter what I do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a mustache to save," With that Luigi walked down the hall, leaving everyone speechless.

"... We have to go get him," Koops said, "He's still the bad guy, after all."

"No," Bobbery said, "Leave him be. If we don't respect his wishes now, then there's no chance of him forgiving us."

Bombette nodded, "He's right. We don't need to worry about him now. Let's just go round up the others."

The group left to search the castle to find the other baddies, leaving Mario to contemplate about what he should do about his brother.

* * *

Bowser looked out the window of Peach's room. Finally, he had Peach and her kingdom in his clutches, but there was still the single thing he wanted most that would make him happy. As if on cue, that thing came through the door.

"I've been expecting you for some time now..." Bowser said, not looking away from the window, "Now that you're here, I can give you your surprise," Pulling out a black box with a single red button on top, he turned to his adversary with a wicked grin. Before his visitor could take another step Bowser pushed the button, releasing a hatch in the ceiling. From the hatch dropped a glass tube with unruly wiring connected to the modem connected to the cylinder's top, trapping Bob within its glass walls. Bowser laughed loudly.

"Great work, son," Bowser said as he peered into the glass walls, "Mind telling our "friend" here what it does?"

Bowser Jr. laughed evilly, "This gadget is my latest invention, the "Follicle Arrangement Rehabilitation Tube". F.A.R.T. for short."

"..."

"..."

"... I'll admit the name needs work..." Bowser Jr. muttered.

"Anyways, I had my son make this for one single reason," Bowser continued, bringing out his Golden Hammer Award for Best Mullet, "You know, as you're beaten to within an inch of your life by hoagies, many things go through your head, such as why you're being beaten to death with a hoagie. Then I came to the simple conclusion that mullets just don't garner that much respect, not like mustaches."

Bob took this fact into consideration. This was certainly true in the mushroom kingdom.

"When I woke up in that infirmiry, I hadn't a clue what happened the night before. That's when Luigi came in with the most amazing mustache, wearing some stupid costume and making some chick think she was a chicken. At first, I became jealous of how easily he grew such magnificent follicles, while we Koopas could not possess such things of beauty."

Bob couldn't help but notice that there seemed to be a wide spread jealousy of mustaches through the Koopas.

"That's when I came up with the most devious plan ever. I would simply take that which wasn't mine. Now, Luigi has to be the most pitiful villain I've ever seen. But if I was going to get you, I had to get him close as well, so I faked being impressed and let him in my inner circle, knowing that'd you play along to get closer to me. Unfortunately I couldn't just rip you off his upper lip, because you wouldn't affix yourself to me."

"That's where this baby comes in," Bowser Jr. interjected, "This is designed to rearrange your follicle make-up to not only make you compatible with Dad's scaly mug, but also make you loyal to him against your will."

"When Doopliss told me that he thought Luigi was going to overthrow me, I knew that couldn't be since Luigi wouldn't have the guts or the brain power to do such a thing. It was clear to me that he was in fact reading your mind at that moment, Bob, so I knew that all I had to do was bait you into this trap, and it worked better than I could have imagined. And now, it's time for my plans to unfold."

With that, Bowser Jr. and his father put on thick sunglasses. Bowser placed a pair over Peach's eyes, as she was still limply hypnotized. Bowser Jr. threw the switch as the tube illuminated with a blinding light as electricity was pumped throughout the machine.

The ends of Bob's whiskers caught the lightning, making perfect conductors for the flow of energy. Pain coursing through his body, Bob felt his individual hairs change into large, burly hairs of red. The pain was unbearable and his physical make-up was changed and contorted into something he was never meant to be. Just when it reached the point where Bob wanted to die just for the torture to end, the machine stopped.

Bowser took his glasses off, and peered through the thick glass. Bob was now much thicker and unkempt, with the perfect shade of red to match Bowser's hair and eyebrows. Bowser Jr. retracted the tube into the ceiling, releasing the transformed ball of fur. Bowser grabbed his beautiful mustache, and placed the former Bob onto his upper lip. Bob obliged, locking himself to the Koopa King, who bellowed a laugh of victory.

"Finally! I have it all! The princess, the kingdom and, after all this time, the mustache! They called me mad, they said it was impossible, but read it and weep , A.K.A. the world's meanest biology teacher! MWUHAHAHA!! Today, belongs to KING BOWSER!"

Luigi couldn't believe what he had heard. Looking through the castle, he overheard his leader through the door. He tried to enter, but the F.A.R.T. Machine was blocking the door. Luigi was forced to look through the key hole, listening to Bowser's words.

_Luigi's the most pitiful villain I've ever seen _rang through Luigi's ears over and over, _he doesn't have the guts or the brain power_. The only thing that got Luigi's attention after that was a blinding light through the key hole, forcing Luigi to cover his eyes. It was some time before Luigi felt confident enough to open his eyes again. Looking through the keyhole, he could clearly see Bowser gloating now that the machine had been retracted into the ceiling.

"No one can stop me now!" Bowser bellowed out Peach's window, "I WIN! I WIN! Hehehe... hey. What happened to the those little piggies I saw a few minutes ago?" Bowser didn't have much time to contemplate however, as he was struck in the back of the head. Whirling around he saw Luigi with the fiercest look on his face Bowser had ever seen. He looked to the corner of the posh room to see his son bounded and gagged by rope.

"A little trick I picked up from Doopliss," Luigi said, answering Bowser's question before he even asked, "Turns out Doopliss's knowledge transfer is a two-way road."

"So, you dare to challenge me and my mustache?" Bowser glared, "Big mistake."

"Ha! The only mistake you made was-" Luigi began, before meeting Bowser's 90-MPH punch face-to-knuckle. Luigi was launched to the wall, and slammed against the concrete with a hard crunch. He fell to the ground, revealing the cracked and damaged imprint he left behind. Luigi didn't move.

Bowser cackled at his quick victory. He lumbered over Luigi, and picked his limp body off the ground. Bowser tossed the unconscious weakling across the room, watching as his body hit the other wall, "Oh man, you're even weaker than I thought. Then again, the power of this mustache could easily be thanked for my new found strength," Another blow to Bowser's head was felt, even stronger than the last. Rubbing his scalp, he watched as Mario landed on the ground from bouncing on his head, "YOU! YOU SHOULD BE COWERING UNDER A MOUNTAIN OF BLUE HEDGEHOGS RIGHT NOW!"

Mario kicked Bowser hard in the shin as his response, making the Koopa King grab his injury and bounce around the room on his one good leg howling in pain, "Why, you little! Feel the wrath of my 'stache!"

Bowser lunged his body at Mario in a tackling dive, putting his entire weight into the attack. Mario easily dodged the attack, taking a step to the left. Bowser's girth prevented him from lifting his heavy hide off the ground before Mario used his soft head as his personal trampoline. Bowser shook off the plumber, sending him to the floor. Mario scrambled to his feet just in time to roll out of the way of Bowser's terrifying butt stomp. Mario jumped for a head blow, but Bowser was prepared this time, swatting the plumber out of the air like a tennis ball with his beefy arm as the racket. Mario hit the bed and bounced off and smacked into the head board. Dazed and confused, Mario wasn't ready when Bowser jumped onto the bed, picked up the plumber, and threw him into the wall across the room.

Lumbering with determination, Bowser prepared for his finishing blow, "Time to finish this now! You're not stopping me this time!" Bowser drew in a large amount of air for his signature move, cornering Mario to eliminate escape. Mario tried to block the attack by crossing his arms in front of his face, though they both knew that it would do little to help him.

Bowser exhaled the air in a giant, burning flame, sending the fire in Mario's direction. Mario instinctively ducked, the fire singing the top of his hat. Mario looked up to see a snickering Bowser.

"Hehe. I've got you cornered like a rat," Bowser gloated. His nose smelled heavy smoke, "Hey, do you smell something burning?"

Mario pointed at his own mustache. Bowser looked down to see he precious mustache had been caught up in the fire, and was slowly but violently burning, "OH MY GOOMBAS!!!" Bowser bellowed as he swatted as the fire burning on his upper lip, "PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"

In his thrashing about, Bowser's bushy mustache was flipped up and down as embers were shaken about. One of these embers landed on Bowser's eyebrows, which then caught flame. Smoke billowing from the screaming Koopa's face, Bowser raced around the room looking for anything to stop the burning. His mullet caught an ember, and thereafter, Bowser was fully engulfed in flames. A stunned Mario watched as Bowser made a last ditch effort dive out the window and into the castle's moat.

The toad guards surrounded the body of water as the plume of steam rose out of the moat, blocking all possible entrances. Bowser's completely bald head bobbed out of the water, relieved that the pain had ended. He looked up to see the toad guards with angry looks on their faces and hoagies in their hands. Slowly his mind flashed back to his 8th grade biology class.

"Umm... , why can't Koopas grow mustaches?" A young, pimply faced Bowser asked from the back of the class.

"That's painfully obvious, . Maybe if you have spent half the time paying attention in my class as you do doodling in your notebook you'd know that it's on the pop quiz I'm handing out right now," replied, slapping the test onto Bowser's desk. The young Koopa King looked over his test, the first question being, "Why can't Koopas grow mustaches?" After thoughtful consideration, Bowser put down the answer, "Because Biology SUCKS!" followed by many frowny faces.

Back in Peach's room, Mario walked cautiously over to his fallen brother. Mario had followed Luigi through the castle, making sure to stay out of sight. But when Bowser attacked him Mario couldn't stop himself from barging in and protecting his little brother. Placing a hand on his now dead brother, Mario began to reminisce about all the good times they shared. The all-night movie marathons, taking Luigi on his first rollercoaster, egging the Wario bros. house every Halloween. To think of all the times Mario took Luigi for granted. Almost all the time, and now he couldn't apologize. A single tear ran down the plumber's cheek.

"What's going on?" Luigi asked, his words slurred from just waking up. Mario screamed and punched him in the face in shocked reaction, knocking him out again. Mario spent an awkward moment's time just reflecting on that action, until his brother woke up again.

"Don't hit me again," Luigi muttered as he came to. Instead, Mario bent over and hugged him. "Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?" Luigi asked dazed and confused, not remembering what happened before he got knocked out. He looked over his brother's shoulder to see every other member of Bowser's brigade tied together and being dragged into the room by all of the heroes who had earlier searched the castle for them.

"Can I finish my cookie now?" General ShyGuy asked. Vivian tried to give him his half eaten cookie, but failed to find a mouth slot in his mask.

"Uhh... how do you eat things?" Vivian asked.

"Just crumble the cookie in your hands and slip the crumbs through my eye hole". Vivan did as she was instructed, slightly creeped out by the action.

"Man, do you have to eat everything like that?" Goombella asked and General ShyGuy happily munched on his cookie crumbs.

"Oh yeah," the General replied with a mouthful of cookie, "You can't imagine what an ordeal hot soup can be for me."

"What's going on?" Luigi asked.

"We're just here to unmask the truth," Mac explained as he walked over to Luigi, "Behold! Mr.L's true identity," Mac ripped of Luigi's mask, revealing the plumber. Everyone gasped.

"HEY! That's the jerk who tore down my pizza place!" Waluigi shouted.

"I was working with a little, wimpy goodie two shoes?" Wario exclaimed.

"Dude!" The Koopa bros. said in unison, "Not cool."

"...Who's that?" General Shyguy asked.

"See, Luigi? They don't respect you like you thought they did," Mac explained.

"I know I don't," Mini Luigi shouted from the side of the room.

"So, you're saying no one respects me?" Luigi asked sadly.

"Not... really. No," Mac said, "But then again, we never did _that _to your mustache," He said, pointing to the pile of ash on the ground that used to be Bob. Luigi's eyes bugged out.

"OH MY GOSH!" Luigi shouted instantly, scrambling on all fours over to the smoldering soot that was once his mustache, "What have you fools done?!"

Mario and others watched as Luigi scooped up the remains of Bob in his hands, watching as the soot sifted through his fingers. Luigi was in total disbelief, that his turning to the dark side had lead to the destruction of one of the most important things he possessed. One voice from the corner of the room caught everyone's attention.

"Mmfh ghmd trphn mdwk."

"What??" Everyone asked. Luigi walked over and undid Bowser Jr.'s gag.

"I said, I can help your mustache situation, but first, you have to get me out of these ropes," Bowser Jr.

"It's a trap!" General ShyGuy shouted.

"No, no. I'm a Koopa of my word. If I can fix your mustache then you guys let me go, deal?" Bowser Jr. negotiated.

Luigi took this deal into consideration, "Alright, deal."

"What??" Goombario shouted. "Luigi, you can never take a Koopa for his word."

"Well if I'm going to get Bob back then I'll just have to trust him," Luigi responded coldly. No one dared to argue with him. Bowser Jr. lowered the F.A.R.T. Machine from the ceiling, placing the soot and ash of the former Bob in the glass tube. Cranking the dials and throwing some levers, Bowser Jr. brought the machine to life, forcing everyone to tightly close their eyes from the blinding light. From behind his dark shades Luigi watched as the pile of blackened ash slowly rose and formed into the mustache he knew and loved. After a minute's time the machine was turned off, and the tube was retracted back into the ceiling. Bob shook his whiskers as if he had just woken up from a long sleep, and after taking a moment to take in his surroundings, he excitedly bounced over to Luigi's feet. Luigi picked up his old friend and adjusted him to his upper lip.

"That's the Luigi I remember," Koops said with a thumbs-up.

"There, your mustache is back, now can I leave?" Bowser Jr. asked impatiently. Everyone in the room slowly turned towards him. The next thing he knew, Bowser Jr. was being dangled out the window by his tail by Luigi, "HEY! I thought you said you would let me go!"

"If you insist," Luigi mocked, letting Bowser Jr. plummet down to the water below. He was soon followed by the others of Bowser's brigade of baddies one by one. Well, all except for one, that was.

"Alright, Tiny, we have a few commands for Her Highness," Mac said as he held Mini Luigi up to Peach's blank stare, "First, Mr.L or Luigi is no longer wanted for custody."

"Mr.L or Luigi is no longer wanted for custody."

"Second, any trace of Mario's embarrassing incident is banned."

"Any trace of Mario's embarrassing incident is banned."

"And lastly, say "Unique New York" 5 times fast."

" Unique New York, Unique New York, Unique New York, Unique New, York Unique, New York."

"Wow, I didn't think she'd actually be able to do it," Mac commented as he tossed Mini Luigi out the window. Finally released from her hypnotic state, Peach shook her head side to side and stared at everyone who was in her room without explanation.

"Uh... what's going on?" Peach asked.

Outside the bad guys had no choice but to swim to shore for their lack of gills. As they were shackled and taken to the dungeons below the castle that was once theirs, they could only reflect on how their perfect plan fell apart.

"Man," Red whined, "we did everything according to plan! What went wrong?"

"What do you mean "we"?" Bowser shouted, "You guys didn't do squat!"

"Well, excuse us," Blue retorted, "We would've gotten here with the battle mecha sooner if someone didn't need to take the good half of an hour getting their double shot "whoop" latte."

"HEY!" Yellow shouted, "You know I'm cranky all day without it!"

As the Koopa Bros. argued about at what point you had to need caffeine before you called it an addiction, everyone returned to their normal lives, happy this Mr.L saga was finally over.

EPILOGUE

Luigi and Mario returned to their home as brothers once again. As soon as he got home, Mario handed Luigi a broom and told him to clean up his impressive amount of used hankies. But Luigi didn't mind, because he now knew deep down his brother respected and loved him, and that's all that mattered.

As the runner-up, Mac was given the championship belt as Tubba Blubba had mysteriously died of heart attack right after Mac had left the stadium. No one went to his funeral.

Bobbery sails the high seas, but not before getting himself some of that new-fangled internet he heard of. His blog is now the most visited site based on living in the ocean.

Kooper has joined Goombella in her adventurous archaeological search for the missing link between Toad and Mushroom. Goombella has also sent in an application for a restraining order of Goombario, who still stalks her to this day.

Koops and Koopie Koo's relationship is still unknown, their MyFaceSpaceBook listing the relationship as "complicated."

Bombette is still Starbean's number one customer, keeping the company financially afloat thanks to her hourly need of cappuccinos.

Vivian disappeared to obscurity after everything had settled, as shadow sirens often do. Some say she secretly writes an advice column under the name of "Mrs. Dooby", though these same people also think the moon landing was a lie.

Lakilester was last seen getting beaten up by neighborhood thugs for being a wannabe poser. Frankly, no one doubts that he deserved it.

Mallow, Watt, and Flurrie have fled for the border. Although Watt was caught due to stupid bank transactions, Flurrie and Mallow still live on the lamb with unknown secret identities. The reward is currently 3 million each.

Carl still remains in his dungeon cell, because no one really cares much about a guy can't jump a motorcycle over another motorcycle.

Bowser and Bowser Jr. mysteriously escaped from their cell the next day, while the others still face another 6 months of cold liver left overs.

* * *

**I can't believe it's finally it's over. Well Ripper22, I hope it was everything you hoped for. While I was writing this chapter I felt that this idea should've been an entire story in itself, because as demonstrated through the last few chapters it's simply not meant to be a quick chapter. Oh well, it's was interesting and fun to write this anyways. I don't think I'll be taking reader requests for awhile, because I dont' want this series to seem like I'm relying on the readers for the ideas, as good as many of them are.**

**So what did you guys think? Was it good, worth the wait? I can promise you this though, I'll never write another chapter long enough to have it's own individual chapter, that'll be the day I dig out both of my eyes with a rusty shovel. But it's finally over anyways, and I can let out a sigh of releif. But I can't shake the feeling I've forgotten something...**

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_Beep-Beep-Beep=Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beeo-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep-_

"MAKE IT STOP ALREADY!" the gurney operator shouted from his bed in the infirmiry.

Parakarry listened to the irritating beep from the coccoon of his full-body cast, unable to even reach over onto his side table and break it in half. Maybe if he could scoot his way over he could knock it to the floor and make it shatter on the tile below. Rocking left and right, Parakarry got the momentum to flip his body-cast over the side of the bed, but he missed the Hero membership card on his way to the floor. With a sickening thud, the injured gurney operators listened to Parakarry sob as the Beeping continued.


	19. Deep Fried Mayo

**I did it again! I honestly try to keep these stories shorter so I can get these out sooner for you guys, but they just keep lengthening out of control! *sigh* I must really like to write...**

**Alright, I must adress an issue with this chapter. Many of you I'm sure have heard about this "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" movie, about a mall cop naturally. Well I didn't know about this movie until I was well into this chapter! So now it seems like I'm taking the premise and applying it to my work!**

**Allow me to make this very, very clear. If there is one thing I hate in this world, it's plagarism! So I'm sorry if it seems that I stole the idea of the story or any content from the movie, but this was all brainstormed back in December while I was stuck with the Mr.L saga to do. If there are any similarities I wouldn't know since I have not seen the movie. I just wanted to get this issue out of the way as soon as possible.**

**Alright, now that rant is over, here's the shiny new chapter for your enjoyment.**

"With a weak story plot that is driven by what can only be called cruel orphan jokes, "Adopt Me, Amy" gets 2 stars out of 5. Next we'll review the sleeper hit, "Chuck Norris Beats Up Everyone". The television announced. Mario was waiting on the couch for his brother to get downstairs, and decided to pass the time with some TV.

"Hey Mario, you ready to go?" Luigi asked. Mario turned off the television, and turned to his brother. Luigi's usual attire had been replaced by slacks, a button-up shirt, and an atrocious tie he was currently having difficulty with.

"I knew I should've gotten the clip-on! I KNEW IT!!"

Mario ignored his brother and headed out the door to the car. It was about a week ago, eating the last of their leftover pizza they had rationed to last the week, and setting up the rat traps around their horribly mattressed beds, that they realized that perhaps they aren't getting the income they would like.

So they took their CATs the following day and had received their results this morning. Much to their delight, they had received recommendation for a position one level above plumber; mall security guards. Today was the interview with the chief and Mario was growing impatient with his brother. He honked the horn many times to let Luigi know they had to leave **now**.

In response, Luigi burst out of the front door blue in the face, struggling with his tie that was now choking him to death. Acting on his brotherly instincts, Mario leapt from the car and took out his switch blade. In one swift motion he cut the tie in half, barely scraping the hairs on the back of Luigi's neck. Luigi collapsed to the ground in relief and gasped for breath.

"Definitely should've gotten the clip-on," Luigi coughed. Mario rolled his eyes and led his brother to the car. After a much less eventful drive to the Coconut Mall, the two brothers found their way to the head quarters of the mall security crew, in a location that best expressed how much of a key factor they were to keeping the peace in society; the basement.

"So you rookies think you're ready for the cold, heartless world of being a mall security cop?!" The chief bellowed.

"Sir, yes sir!" Luigi instinctively replied, saluting the chief.

"Well we don't just give anybody who walks through that door and asks "pretty, pretty, please!" a badge. They have to prove their worth to us," the chief explained. The chief then ducked under his desk and returned with a thick stack of papers. The desk slightly bent under the papers' weight, giving evidence to its immense weight.

"What's that?" Luigi asked, terrified of what the answer might be.

"This is a placement test, to see if you have the technical know-how to handle any situation you may come across."

Luigi freaked out, "A pop quiz?? B-but I didn't study! I'm not ready!" It was high school all over again.

"Rule #1 of the force; NO WHINING!! Now take your tests to those separate desks over there. We don't need any wandering eyes between the two of you... got it?"

Luigi walked up to the desk and slid his pile over the desk's edge, and dropped to the ground once he was left to bear its entire weight.

"This thing is HEAVY!" Luigi whined.

"That's the first part of your test, getting it to your desk," the chief answered, "Hurry up before you fail the first portion."

Luigi's fragile fingers were pinned to the ground, and it was soon determined that no amount of grunting would give Luigi the strength he needed to lift the weight. With a sigh, he resorted to his last option left; painfully scraping his fingers across the concrete floor as he dragged the pages of his test to his desk.

And so it began. Inch by painful inch the concrete grinded away at his fingers, scraping off most of his glove by the time he made it to the halfway mark. Luigi chanced a glance over to his brother, who was now a full quarter into his test. Dumbfounded by Mario's test-taking prowess, Luigi resumed his dragging.

The chief was doing work on his computer (*cough* Solitaire *cough*) when he heard a yelp from across his office. He turned to see Luigi 3 feet from his desk, crying like a little baby. With a sigh he said, "You know, you didn't have to take the whole thing at once."

Luigi contemplated this for a moment. With a strong jerk, he pulled his fingers out from beneath the stack. He examined his glove, which was worn down in some spots to the point where you could see Luigi's finger. Returning his attention to his test, Luigi picked up the top third of his pile and heaved it over to the desk. He returned for the 2nd section of test, and the final third, before finally plopping down in his seat and beginning the test.

The front page bore the title, "Mall Security Acceptance Test" and a single line beneath it, clearly where Luigi was to put his name. After doing so, Luigi flipped the front cover to his first page of questions.

Question #1: What do you do in the case of an old lady having her purse stolen from her?

Easy. Luigi wrote down on the blank line, "Arrest the purse stealer".

Question #2: A bullet is headed for a civilian at a rate of 400 MPH at an angle of 6 degrees at an initial height of 4 feet 3 inches. You are 2 feet to the left of the civilian. At what angle and speed must you leap in order to take the bullet in a self-sacrificing, but totally awesome means of protecting the civilian? Graph your equation. Show all work.

Luigi's hopes were suddenly not all that high. To his left he heard the loud creak of Mario getting out of his desk and returning the completed assignment to the chief. Luigi didn't want to seem incompetent in comparison to his brother, so he jotted down some random numbers and squiggled a line on the given graph and moved onto question 3.

Question #3: Discuss your ethical and political views of the ancient Greek philosophy of altruism, and use historical facts to prove your point.

Luigi gave out a hopeless sigh.

"Is there anything wrong?" The chief asked.

"No! Nothing's wrong. I'll finish this baby in absolutely no time!" Luigi shouted.

7 hours later, Mario was sound asleep slumped over in his chair. The chief eyed the clock, noting that it was getting close to quitting time.

"Come on, maggot," the chief pleaded, "My wife is going to kill me if I come home late again."

"Hold your horses!" Luigi snapped back, "I'm just having trouble with this one problem."

The chief got up from his seat and walked over to Luigi. Leaning over his shoulder the chief peered at the question Luigi was stuck on.

Question #786: The next sentence is true. The last sentence is false. Which statement is correct?

The chief growled and grabbed Luigi's test. Luigi spun around to see him rip the unfinished portion of the test off in a fit of rage.

"There! Now your test is finished! Congratulations!" The chief yelled, "Come back for the results tomorrow. For now, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE AND LET ME GO HOME!!"

Mario and Luigi were then unceremoniously kicked out of the chief's office, quite literally. Rubbing his rump on the way back to the car, Luigi turned to his brother and asked, "Jeez, bro, how did you answer those questions so fast?"

Mario shrugged as he opened the door to the car.

Luigi stared at the ceiling that evening, his thoughts keeping him awake well into the night. Would he get the job? Was he ready for such a responsibility? Did it come with free donuts? As these questions ran through his mind Luigi slowly gave into slumber, eager for the next day.

"OH MY GAWD!" A toad screamed. The halls of the Coconut Mall were in total pandemonium.

A cloaked figure sneered as he watched the chaos break loose. With a nasally laugh he yelled, "Fools! Today you shall all perish at the hands of Dr. Dread, the most evil baddie in all the land!"

The crowd beneath him scrambled looking for an unblocked exit, screaming with fright. "We're all going to die"'s and "Help me!"'s sounded from the mob of fearful civilians. But one female voice somehow found the ability to scream above all others, to announce what may have been their shining light of hope.

"LOOK! IT'S LUIGI!" She sang out, pointing her hand to the balcony opposite of Dr. Dread's. And there Luigi stood, a smile of confidence and ability shining on his face with perfectly straight shining teeth that glinted whenever he grinned. His security mall guard uniform hugged his bulging biceps tightly, at threat of bursting open should he flex. The crowd shouted its excitement to their hero.

"Luigi, he'll save us!"

"He's so dreamy!"

"Luigi's here, we're saved!"

"There's still hope!"

"Kick his butt with your amazing physique!"

"Call me!"

Dr. Dread narrowed his eyes. His sneer turned to a deep scowl at the mention of Luigi's name.

"So you think that you can stop me this time, Luigi?" Dr. Dread spat.

"Oh please..." Luigi scoffed, his masculine voice swooning the ladies almost instantaneously, "You always lose in the end, Waluigi, why not just give it up already?"

Waluigi stepped out of the shadows to reveal his hideous figure, "You wanna dance?" He challenged, lifting his string bean arms into a fighting stance.

"If you insist," Luigi replied. With the slightest of efforts Luigi leaped the 70 yard gap between him and his arch rival, landing like a feather 3 feet in front of Luigi, "In fact, I'll let you have the first swing."

Waluigi watched as Luigi put both hands behind his back and closed his eyes, communicating his lack of faith in Waluigi's strength. Outraged by the action, Waluigi focused all of his anger, hatred, and fury towards his righteous enemy, and threw a hard blow into Luigi's stomach. His hand instantly broke against Luigi's rock-hard abs sending him to the ground crying like a small child.

Luigi opened his eyes and looked down on the ground to see his nemesis balling his eyes out. With total sincerity he asked, "Did you hit me yet?"

"You think you've won this round!" Waluigi coughed, "But it's far from over!" With that he brought out a black box with a single red button. With a loud cackle he pushed the button.

Loud ticking sounded out in the hallway, silencing the cheers that were earlier praising Luigi. Everyone began looking left and right for the source of the ticking. Before Luigi could comment Waluigi explained, "I have set up 400 lbs. of c4 to explode within 30 seconds of pushing this button. I would suggest finding it before it explodes." With that he activated his jetpack and lifted off to the skies, crashing through the glass ceiling above him.

Luigi leapt from the 2nd story balcony to the first floor where the bomb was located. The screams of fear rang out for a second time as the ticking became more rapid. Luigi kept calm, thinking the situation out.

"Where in the mall could someone conceal 400 lbs. of c4 without anybody noticing…" Luigi asked himself. He looked around the structure of the mall until his eyes landed on the perfect hiding spot; a 20 foot tall concrete statue of Luigi himself, which the city so willingly built in his honor for his heroic duties. Approaching the statue at near lightning speed, Luigi heard the ticking get louder. Pressing his ear against the concrete, he could hear the timer within the hollowed statue.

With no time to waste Luigi bent over and ripped the statue off its foundation in one swift motion. With no hesitation Luigi threw the concrete statue full of c4 into the air, through the glass ceiling, and well into the atmosphere. Waluigi at this time was laughing about his victory over his enemy.

"WAHAHAHA!! I did it! I finally won! Today belongs to the great, powerful, handsome, incredi-OOF!!" Waluigi was knocked unconscious as the statue hit him square in the face. At that exact moment the timer hit zero, and ignited the c4, encasing the villain in a fiery death ball the size of the Mushroom kingdom.

Luckily thanks to Luigi's fast action everyone else was safe. The crowd cheered louder than any crowd had cheered before, lifting Luigi high into the air on their shoulders. They chanted, "Luigi, Luigi, Luigi..." over and over as streamers and confetti clouded the air with celebration.

Waluigi slammed through the glass ceiling once more and hit the ground. Within seconds those in the crowd who were not holding Luigi high in the air were collectively punching and kicking Waluigi as hard as they could in the face. By the time the cops had come his face was an unrecognizable blob of black and blue. The models showed up around the time Waluigi was thrown into the back seat.

"Hey, Luigi," One of them said seductively, "Can I get your number?"

"No, I want it," Another model argued.

"No me, Luigi. Pick me!" Another shouted.

"You wanna go, sister!" One challenged.

"Bring it, girlfriend!"

"GIRL FIGHT!" The crowd chanted. Without another word the mud pit was prepared and popcorn was distributed throughout the crowd. Stripped down to their swimsuits, the model faced off against one another in the arena, ready to swat and pull hair as much as necessary to get Luigi's phone number.

The countdown began. "3... 2... 1...BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP..."

The irritating beeping awoke Luigi from his slumber. Lifting his head from his pillow, his arm lazily reached over to his side table and smacked the snooze button on top of his alarm clock.

"Always before the models mud wrestle..." Luigi mumbled. His morning amnesia soon passed over, and he remembered that today was the day he found out his test results. Morning amnesia for those who don't know, are those first few seconds after you wake up in the morning where you don't recall where you are, who you are, or what you're doing. Most psychologists theorize that the brain does this as a means of keeping you from screaming/crying incessantly every morning.

"Mario! Wake up!" Luigi exclaimed excitedly, "Today's the day!"

Mario sluggishly rolled over and faced his brother, his eyes still closed. He held up 5 fingers.

"No, not five more minutes, Mario! Get up NOW!" Luigi said sternly.

Mario held up 4 fingers.

"I am NOT negotiating with you, mister."

3 fingers.

"...Fine. But only 3 minutes!" Luigi said. He walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower. As the water slowly heated to a temperature that wouldn't cause hypothermia, Luigi turned to the mirror and put on his game face.

"Who's the man, Luigi? Who's da man? YOU da man, that's who!" Luigi said. It was part of his morning routine for Luigi to beef up what little self-esteem the world hadn't taken away from him. After more "YOU da man"s and much flexing in the mirror, steam rose from behind the shower's curtain, signaling his shower was now ready.

Hopping in the shower and closing the curtain behind him, Luigi grabbed his favorite loofah and went to work. The warm water on his skin was soothing, and got him relaxed for his favorite shower activity.

"Just a small town girl..." Luigi sang into his soap bar, "Living in a lonely world! She took the midnight train going aaaaaanyyyyywheeeeere."

Luigi's loud, off-pitch screaming woke Mario from his slumber. Knowing that Luigi's "golden pipes" wouldn't let him travel back to the land of sleep, Mario hopped out of bed and entered the bathroom.

"Streetlight... People......I forgot how this next part goes..." Luigi sang in tune, "Blah blah blah blah- in the niiiiiiiiiiiiight! DON'T STOP...BELIEEEEEEVING!!"

Mario rolled his eyes. His brother didn't even know where the chorus came in, but he insisted on singing that song every freaking morning. It was around the time Mario lifted the toilet seat that Luigi went into his air guitar solo.

"Meedly meedly meedly meedly, **meeeeeeeeeeeeee**eeeeeee," Luigi sang, trying to imitate the sounds of a guitar, "DON'T STOP! BELIEVING!" Mario flushed the toilet, sending icy water through the shower head, which hit Luigi like thousands of tiny daggers, "YEEEEEEEOW!!"

Luigi turned the water knob from high to low to off instantly. His arm reached from behind the curtain and patted the wall in search for the towel rack. Finding his green "L" embroidered towel, Luigi pulled it behind the curtain and quickly wrapped it around his waist, before exiting the shower.

"MARIO! I wasn't finished rinsing!" Luigi scolded, his hair still foamy with shampoo. He jumped back in the shower and continued, aggravated with Mario's lack of bladder control. 12 minutes of intense loofah action later, Luigi emerged from the bathroom refreshed and ready for the day.

"Alright Mario, I'm finished with my shower," Luigi said. "You can use it."

Mario, already clothed and heading out the door, turned around and gave him a strange look.

"Mario, deodorant doesn't excuse you from your bathing responsibilities."

Mario slammed the door and entered the bathroom with a sneer. Who did Luigi think he was, his mother?? Luigi rolled his eyes and went to put on the clothes he had neatly picked out the night before. A few minutes later, as Luigi put on his hat, the sound of running water ended, and Mario stepped out of the bathroom door.

"Did you use soap?" Luigi asked. Mario stared at him blankly for a moment before quickly ducking back into the bathroom. The sound of running water started again, and Luigi gave out a sigh. He walked down the stairs and entered the kitchen. The oven's clock read 8:23. 17 minutes to get ready before the Mario bros. had to go out the door.

Luigi turned on the oven and grabbed a pan from the pantry. Breakfast wasn't only the most important meal of the day; it was also the most delicious. Deciding on a ham and cheese omelet, Luigi opened the fridge and pulled out a carton of eggs. As he beat the eggs the water upstairs shut off.

"Shampoo!" Luigi yelled. The water turned back on.

The eggs slowly bubbled in the pan, which prompted Luigi to add a splash of milk. This was a well known trick to make the omelet lighter and fluffy. Butter and oil was added as the water shut off once more. Luigi was finally adding the cheese and ham to his delicacy when he heard his brother come down the stairs. Luigi turned around to see Mario's clothes sticking to his wet skin.

"Did you even bother to dry off?" Luigi asked, already knowing the answer. Mario shrugged.

"Get back up stairs and dry yourself off! I swear, it's like you're 8 years old all over again! And comb your hair!" Mario angrily walked back up the stairs as instructed, fuming about how unfair the world was. Luigi removed the omelet from its pan and onto his plate. A tall glass of milk and an orange accompanied the omelet. After enjoying this morning's creation, Luigi glanced at the clock, noting that in 2 minutes they had to leave. Mario walked into the kitchen, finally looking proper for the day.

"Well don't you look pretty," Luigi mocked, "Get ready 'cause we gotta go in 2 minutes."

Mario looked at the clock. 2 minutes was more than enough time for breakfast. Mario walked to the pantry and pulled out a box of Wheaties, of course adorned with his smiling profile on the front, and grabbed the gallon of milk from the fridge. Sitting at the table Mario went through his own breakfast process; 1. Fill mouth with Wheaties. 2. Drown Wheaties in said mouth with milk. 3. Chew and Swallow. 4. Repeat until full.

Luigi couldn't stand the sight of Mario engorging himself in such fashion, and instead headed out the front door. He was about to enter the car when he noticed the mailbox. Unlike every other day of his life, Luigi found the box to be... empty. It just seemed to out of place for Luigi, but he shrugged it off and hopped into the passenger's seat.

"Get your butt out here, Mario!" Luigi shouted. He honked the horn to get his brother's attention. A moment later Mario emerged from his house, his shirt covered in milk stains. He paused as Luigi looked at his ruined attire from top to bottom.

"...Forget it. We're late as it is!" Luigi said coldly. Mario got into the car and started the engine.

"I just hope for your sake the chief doesn't mind a dirty shirt," Luigi commented as they turned onto the highway. He leaned and switched on the radio. "Walk This Way" blared through the speakers.

"Walk this waaaaaay!" Luigi instantly yelled, "Talk this waaaay!"

Mario glared at his brother. Luigi let out an "oops" and immediately shut his trap. Long ago the brothers made an agreement that Luigi could only sing to the radio if he was the only one in the car. With a sigh, Luigi turned and watched the passing scene outside his window, tapping his finger to the music. For a few minutes the brothers sat in silence, lost in their own thoughts. The sound of a police car's alarm brought them back to reality.

Mario pulled the car to the side of the road and parked, allowing the cop to pass. Much to his dislike, the cop didn't pass Mario. He parked right behind him, preparing to give him a ticket. Mario patted his pockets, and soon got a worried look on his face.

"You didn't!" Luigi said. Unfortunately Mario did, "You forgot your license again?!"

Mario nodded, noting that the cop was reaching for his ticket book on his dashboard.

With a sigh Luigi said, "Fine, but this is the last time I do this!" Luigi reached under his seat for the stuff.

The police officer opened the door to his car and hopped out. He walked to the car with pen and ticket book in hand, practicing his intimidation voice in his head. He tapped the glass of Mario's door window. Mario rolled down the window.

"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer barked, flaunting his much practiced intimidation voice. Mario shook his head "no".

"I pulled you over for going 76 in a 65 zone," The officer informed the plumber. Mario faked a face of shock, and looked at the speedometer as if he couldn't possibly know how he went so fast. The cop sighed, inwardly asking why they always tried this stupid act.

"May I see your license and regristra-"

A loud screaming was heard from the passenger seat, prompting the guard to lean and see who screamed. In the seat he saw Luigi wearing lipstick, a wig, and a maternity dress. A large pillow was stuffed under the dress.

"The contractions are getting worse!" Luigi screamed, grabbing Mario's shoulder.

"Uh... is she your wife?" The officer asked blankly. Mario nodded.

"You did this to me you son of a koopa! I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU!" Luigi said, pounding on Mario's shoulder. Mario's eyes pleaded for the officer to let him go.

"Well if I may see your license I can-"

"HURRY! I THINK IT'S COMING OUT!" Luigi screamed louder, his face turning red. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH"

"DUDE JUST GO!" The officer yelled. Mario tipped his hat and slammed on the gas pedal. The brothers did a quick check to see if the officer was still behind them. Thankful he wasn't, Luigi removed his disguise.

For the rest of the trip the brothers said nothing. Frankly, it's hard to make conversation through the awkwardness of having your brother dress up as a pregnant woman to avoid a well-deserved ticket. Minutes later they pulled into the parking lot of the Coconut Mall and made their way to the HQ of the mall security squad. Now was the moment of truth.

"Well are you two ready for the results of your test?" The chief asked the two plumbers sitting across the desk from him.

"Yes, sir," Luigi said, "I'll take my results first!"

"Sure thing," The chief obliged. He typed Luigi's name into the computer. Luigi clenched his eyes close and crossed fingers.

"Luigi... you passed the test. With flying colors I might add," The chief announced. Luigi pumped his fist in the air, followed by many "Booyah!"s.

"Now let's find out how Mario did," The chief continued. He typed in Mario's name, bringing his test up from the digital records.

"Mario... you failed the test. In fact, that's the lowest score I've ever seen for this test," The chief reported. The brothers were flabbergasted.

"B-but how?" Luigi asked, stunned he got a job his brother didn't.

"Well let's see..." The chief said as he looked over the test. With a nod he said, "I think I know what the problem was. He wrote down, "Pop a cap in the little lawbreaker" for every question. Even number 53, "What would you do if a kitten got stuck in a tree?"

The chief spun the monitor around to show the brothers. Once Luigi confirmed his theory he turned to his brother and asked, "Must violence be your solution to everything??"

"You realize mall cops don't get guns, right?" The chief asked. Mario rose from his seat and exited the office, having lost all interest in the job.

"I guess that answers that question," The chief commented, "Well, welcome to the force, Luigi. Here's your badge and the key to your locker. You'll find the rest of your uniform in there."

"Wait, don't I get any training??" Luigi asked.

"We subscribe to the school of "on-the-job" training," The chief said, "Your partner's name is Fred. He'll meet you in the locker room."

With that, Luigi took his badge and key and entered the locker room. The key had the number 16 on it, so Luigi went to Locker 16. Sure enough it opened, revealing the neat uniform waiting for him. Today was the first day of his security career and he was going to make the most of it.

"Hey, I'm looking for a "Luigi Mario"," A voice shouted from down the hall, "Is anyone here with that name?"

"That'd be me!" Luigi called. He had just gotten his uniform on and was now pinning the badge to his shirt. Luigi saw his partner come down the hall. He was an average sized Koopa with an eye patch over his left eye. He seemed had the confidence in his right eye that could only come from years of experience.

"So you're the rookie," Fred commented, "Nice to meet ya, the name's Fred," he held out his hand. Luigi grabbed it and gave a firm handshake. Fred took a look into Luigi's locker and saw many pictures plastered on the door's inside.

"Who's this guy?" Fred asked.

"That's my brother, Mario," Luigi informed Fred.

"That guy who failed the test?" Fred asked. Apparently word got around about Mario's test.

"Yeah." Luigi answered.

"And this guy?"

"Dexter. Neighborhood kid."

"Ooh, and who's that fine number?" Fred asked, nudging Luigi's arm playfully, "Your girlfriend?"

"That's Daisy. And actually she's my ex-girlfriend." Luigi said.

"Oh. Sorry about that," Fred apologized, "If she's your ex then why do you have her picture?"

"I don't know," Luigi admitted, "I guess it's just reassuring to know that at one time I managed to get a girl to out with me, and that someone truly believed that I was worth something special."

"Aah..." Fred said. He inspected the picture further, "......Why are the lips so worn out?"

Luigi slammed his locker door closed and quickly changed the subject, "So... uh, how about that patrol?"

"Right," Fred said, "Follow me to the elevator; we got some people causing trouble near a pet store on the 4th floor"

Luigi followed his partner into the elevator, "So Fred, what kind of things should I know about this job?"

"First, always be prepared for the unexpected," Fred instructed, "You wouldn't believe half the crap that goes on in this mall. Second, never, never, NEVER, let your guard down."

"Come on Fred, could the mall really be that troublesome?" Luigi asked foolishly. The elevator rose to the 1st floor before stopping to let in a passenger. A Koopa walked in.

"Hey Rick," Fred greeted. Rick pushed the 3rd floor button.

"Hey Fred. Okay, assume the position," Rick instructed.

"Come on Rick, must we?" Fred whined. Rick pointed at the wall. Fred sighed. He put braced himself against the wall as Rick swatted at his shirt and pant pockets.

"Um... what's going on?" Luigi asked, slightly disturbed by some random Koopa frisking his partner.

"Wha? Oh, nothing. My brother just gets kinda personal when I try to kill him," Rick responded.

"...WHAT??" Luigi asked. The brothers ignored him.

"Alright, I don't think he brought any weapons," Rick concluded, "Though I'm surprised you're even alive right now."

"Did you really think my bomb sniffing dog wouldn't find that piece of junk you hid under my door mat?" Fred asked.

"Shoot. I forgot about the dog," Rick said under his breath.

Luigi's mouth was agape. "...WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER??"

"Huh? Oh you know, sibling rivalry and all that," Fred said as if it was a perfectly reasonable explanation. "You know, I knew you were going to frisk me, Rick."

"Oh really," Rick said.

"Yep. Luigi, may I see your hat?"

Luigi's regular hat was back in his locker, so Luigi was left to assume Fred meant his uniform hat. Luigi handed it to his partner. Fred reached into the hat and pulled out a gun.

"OH MY GOD!" Luigi screamed, backing into the corner.

"Ooh, you're getting trickier, Fred," Rick said.

"Thanks, Rick," Fred said. He pointed the gun at Rick and fired. The bang was louder than Luigi had anticipated, and he watched in horror and Rick fell to the ground. The doors opened and Fred sprinted out and down the mall. Luigi leaned over Rick.

"Dude, are you alright??" Luigi asked.

"Yeah," Rick responded weakly. Luigi helped him to his feet, "Luckily Fred never anticipates the bullet-proof vest."

Luigi was stunned, "Why can't you two just fight like regular brothers??"

"You know, we tried that, but it just always escalated," Rick calmly answered, "Besides, there's nothing like the thrill of the kill."

Luigi stared at Rick. The doors had already closed and the elevator was now taking Luigi and Rick to the 4th floor. Luigi couldn't believe what had just occurred 7 minutes into his job. And somehow he knew that it was far from over.

The doors opened and Luigi walked out to find himself on the highest floor in the mall. The glass ceiling was only feet out of his reach. There were many department stores in this mall, but the pet store in question was to the immediate left of the elevator. Luigi took a moment to mentally prepare himself for what was his first official mission as a mall cop, and he was most definitely not going to screw this up. He walked into the pet store ready for anything.

"It's a simple question!" Tim shouted.

"I don't have to answer any question you ask!" The store clerk responded.

"Hey hey, what's going on here?" Luigi asked.

"I'm just trying to get some information," Tim defended, "but this employee is refusing to oblige."

"What is he trying to find out?" Luigi asked.

"He asked if he could buy hamsters in bulk and what sauce I recommended with a hamsterburger."

"I don't see what's so hard about that question!" Tim shouted.

"Alright Tim, I think it's time for you to leave the store," Luigi said, "Unless you want a hefty fine to pay," Luigi waved his ticket book threateningly. Tim glared at the store clerk.

"You win this round, but rest assured that I will return one day," Tim threatened. He left the store.

"Glad I could help out with that little problem," Luigi said, turning to leave the store.

"Actually that's not why I called you here," The store clerk said, "You see, there are some protesters from the P.F.A.R. Running throughout the store disturbing my customers. In fact, here comes one now."

"ANIMALS ARE PEOPLE TOO!" The aforementioned P.F.A.R. member shouted into the megaphone.

"No they aren't," The store clerk corrected, "There's actually a large distinction between the two."

"Shut up! You don't understand these poor creature's needs. They need to be free, they need to run wild. Not caged in this horrible environment!" The "People For Animal's Rights" member argued.

"Are you stupid?" The store clerk asked, "This store sells domesticated animals. They wouldn't last a day in the wild!

"They won't if they're never given the chance!" The member ran back into the aisles of the store.

"These people are driving me insane!" The store clerk shouted, "Can you please get them out of my store??"

"No problem, sir," Luigi said. He walked into the store and encountered his first P.F.A.R. person, "Excuse me sir, I'll have to ask you to leave the store."

"HA! It would take the entire Mushroom Kingdom army to prevent me from saving these poor little fish!" The P.F.A.R. Member exclaimed. She then proceeded to scoop a bucket into the fish tank and remove a school of fish.

"What are you doing with those fish??" Luigi asked. He watched as the protester carried the bucket to the restroom. Following her into the bathroom he witnessed the fish being dumped into the toilet and then being flushed down the drain.

"Be free, little ones!" she screamed as the fish spiraled down the pipe to their deaths.

"Why did you do that??"

"Now they'll be free to swim in the ocean as God intended. Surely you don't question that all pipes lead to the ocean."

"Yeah, they head to the ocean, but not before being **filtered**!!" Luigi shouted, "You just sent those fish to their doom!"

"Are you so sure?" The P.F.A.R. Member scoffed, "What are you, a pipe expert?"

"Yes actually. I'm a plumber," Luigi said fiercely.

"You don't look like one," the idiotic woman said, looking his uniform up and down.

"Well not right **now**! I'm just a mall cop because... aw forget it! You're not worth my time," Luigi ran back into the store, "Alright! If you are a member of the People For Animal's Rights committee you are here by **banned **from this pet store!"

"I don't have to leave then, right?" Someone to Luigi's right asked.

"I can see your P.F.A.R. badge," Luigi commented. The person "smoothly" covered the badge with his hand.

"No I'm not."

Luigi glared, "...Don't you have a boy's day at the zoo to go ruin?"

"Not before I complete my mission!" The member shouted. He turned and opened the kitty cage, and allowed the felines to pour out onto the floor, "FREEDOM!"

Luigi was knocked to the ground by the stampede of kittens. In a flash the protesters escaped the store while he was down, thereby avoiding arrest. The kittens scraped their sand paper like tongues all over poor Luigi's face, who had one important concern on his mind.

"I'm allergic to cats!" Luigi yelled. The weight of the kittens pinned him to the ground, causing his skin to redden and react violently. Luigi's savior was soon on the scene.

"Here kitty kitties," The store clerked coaxed, "I got a treat for you!"

The kittens turned their heads towards the store clerk, who held a single anchovie in his hand. The kittens ran off of Luigi and sprinted for the delicious treat they were taunted with. At the last second the store clerk spun and dodged the kittens, letting them run full speed into their designated cage.

Luigi sat straight up and checked his body for any breaking out. His skin was blotchy but altogether fine.

"Oh man, thank you so much... er..." Luigi lingered, not knowing the clerk's name.

"Cascore," The clerk finished for him.

"Thanks Cascore," Luigi said, shaking his hand gratefully.

"Well I'm just glad they're finally out of my store," Cascore said. Luigi's walkie talkie went off.

"Hey there rookie, we got a disturbance in the food court," Fred's voice instructed. Luigi picked up the walkie talkie.

"Dude, where are you?!" Luigi demanded.

"I'm taking care of this hooligan who ripped out the last page of every book in the bookstore," Fred responded. Luigi heard Tim's voice in the background noise.

"If you want to know how the book ends just look it up on the internet, you baby."

Luigi waved goodbye to Cascore and entered the elevator. He pushed the first floor button to head down to the food court. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he watched as the red number above the door counted down to one. With a ding, the doors opened up and let Luigi into the food court.

"What is wrong with this woman??" A voice shouted from the heart of the food court. A crowd was gathering around a single point, all wanting to see what the commotion was about. Luigi fought his way through the thicket of people, asking them to please move and allow him in. After much shoving, he saw who was making the trouble, and almost doubled back to the elevator.

"Cock-a-doodle-doo!" Daisy screeched. She squatted as she walked and folded her arms behind her back in a chicken like fashion. The crowd that surrounded her stood motionless, stunned at the sight.

"Oops," Luigi muttered under his breath. He remembered that many days earlier he had fooled Daisy into being a chicken imitation street performer. And it looks like she had yet to snap out of it.

"Daisy?" Luigi tried. Much to his surprise Daisy looked at him, recognizing her name, "What are you doing??"

Daisy awkwardly walked over to Luigi, and whispered under her breath that only the two of them could hear, "I'm performing," she answered.

"Daisy, you're not a street performer," Luigi replied, "Quit before you do something really weird."

"Too late!" A member of the crowd shouted, "Look what she did in my lunch bag!" He angrily shouted, thrusting his sack lunch in the air.

"I laid an egg," Daisy explained.

"Oh, I looked in here. And I assure that was no egg you laid."

Luigi gulped down the omelet that was coming up his throat and continued, "But Daisy, this isn't you. You're a princess, not a chicken impersonator."

Daisy looked at him strangely. She didn't think he was lying, but she just couldn't accept the thought of her being royalty out of the blue.

"How can I trust you?" She asked. Everyone looked intently at Luigi. He tried to find the right words before he responded.

"Because you've trusted me before. And I might have taken advantage of that before, but believe me when I say this isn't you. I know who you are, and I know deep down you know who I am."

Daisy looked at his eyes. They were so warm, so familiar. She knew this person from somewhere before, and she thought hard. Where did she know him from? It was a long moment of silence before a name escaped her lips.

"Luigi," she said out loud. A small smile spread across the mall cop's face. Everything came rushing back to her at once. Sarassaland, Luigi, Peach, the Mushroom Kingdom, everything.

"Is everything okay now?" Luigi asked. Daisy nodded.

"Yeah, I remember. I slipped and fell, and then I woke up and thought I was a chicken impersonator. This mall is getting **so **sued!" She quickly added under her breath.

"Alright guys. Nothing to see here!" Luigi announced. Soon the crowd dissipated, leaving Luigi alone with Daisy. They both stood there awkwardly.

"Hey, um, about that whole "violent breakup" thing," Daisy started, "Sorry about that."

"It's fine," Luigi said, "That's behind us now."

"Yeah," Daisy said with a half laugh, "Well I guess I'll see ya around then."

"Alright then," Luigi said. He turned and walked across the food court, keeping an eye out for any trouble. Passing by the cinema his ears picked up something of interest.

"Dude, have you heard about that mall guard that had to be rescued by a litter of kittens?" One toad asked the other.

"No way!" The other responded, "He must be a major wimp!"

"Yeah, like a wimp-zilla or something."

"HEY!" Luigi shouted, "Those cats could more dangerous than you can imagine."

"Like, cats with rabies??" One toad asked.

"Woah," The other one added, "Can you imagine the guy who saved that guard guy?"

"It was the store clerk. Cascore or something I think," The toad answered.

Luigi would've corrected their false conversation if he hadn't heard the boos and complaints of the people farther ahead in line. When he saw Tim there he knew nothing good could be happening, so he went to investigate.

"Alright, what's going on?" Luigi demanded. An angry moviegoer shouted from his place in line.

"This little brat is ruining our cinematic experience!"

Tim was taken aback, "Hey! I'm saving you people 10 bucks and 2 hours by telling you the endings."

"He can't know all the endings..." Luigi commented.

"Oh yes he can!" The moviegoer corrected, "Watch. Hey kid, how does, "Adopt me, Amy" end?"

"Amy adopts the little brat and they live happily ever after. Duh," Tim responded. Grumbles were heard as people stepped out of line, "What are you guys seeing?" Tim asked a random couple in line.

"We're seeing "The Sequel: Part 2"," The toad responded without thinking.

"Actually it's a trilogy, seeing how the movie ends on a cliffhanger having Jack plummeting to his doom after it's revealed he's the father of Jenny's child. It was awesome."

More grumbling was heard. As people exited the line, the manager came storming out of the cinema.

"This kid is costing me money!" He complained, "I want him out of here right now!"

"I'm working on it, sir," Luigi said. He turned to see Tim talking with another group of people.

""Do You Like the Red Room"??" Tim shouted with excitement, "That's such an awesome movie! Wait until you find out the killer is-OOF!"

Tim got the wind knocked out of him as Luigi tackled him to the ground. Although he and Tim struggled hard, Luigi managed to keep a hold of him.

"You are not giving the ending away to another movie!" Luigi shouted.

"Aww... can I at least tell them the answer to the chiropractor center's clue?" Tim whined.

"No!" Luigi said sternly. He placed his hand over Tim's mouth and dragged him far away from the cinema. Tim struggled to ruin the ending but to no avail. Finally Luigi dragged him all the way to Starbeans cafe.

"What is wrong with you?? Why are you causing all this trouble??" Luigi asked.

"I'm bored," Tim answered. Luigi's eye twitched.

"You're bored?" Luigi repeated, "WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT??"

"Jeez, I'm just trying to have a little fun," Tim whined.

"Well, stay out of trouble, or else I'll have to take action," Luigi said with a wag of his finger.

"That only works if I have a shred of respect for you," Tim commented. Luigi glared.

"That's Strike One. Two more and you're banned."

"So you're saying I can make trouble one more time without consequence? AWESOME!" Tim said excitedly. He ran off before Luigi could correct himself. Just then Rick came up.

"Hey dude, how's the patrol going?" He asked.

Luigi sighed, "It's not exactly a great start."

"Bummer." Rick said. He held out his cappuccino, "You want?"

"Sure" Luigi said. He took a swig of the drink with much satisfaction, "Mmm... what flavor is that?

"Don't know," Rick replied, "I got it from Frank, so I needed someone to taste test it for poison."

Luigi spat the drink onto the floor, "Are you kidding me??"

Rick took a sniff of his drink, ignoring Luigi, "Ew, Pumpkin spice? Gross. Here, you can have it."

Rick shoved the plastic cup into Luigi and walked away. Luigi looked at the drink with fear, remembering he had swallowed. Coincidentally Fred came on the scene.

"Hey buddy, what's up?" Fred asked.

"I drank some of your poisoned cappuccino, that's what's up!" Luigi stated.

"Nah, it's not poisoned. I just gave it to Rick since I hate pumpkin spice," Fred commented, "Though I must admit that would've been a great idea."

Luigi looked at Fred as if he went insane. But the feeling passed and Luigi enjoyed his delicious pumpkin spice flavored beverage. The sweet concoction almost made Luigi forget his troublesome first day of work. But for only awhile.

"I'm going to jump!" Parakarry shouted, "And there's not anything you can do about it!"

Parakarry was perched on the edge of the 3rd floor, with nothing below him except a large, concerned crowd. His friend Mike brought out a megaphone.

"But Parakarry, you can't jump. You're in a wheelchair."

Oh, yeah, and Parakarry was in a wheelchair since both of his legs were broken, because of Luigi's pushing Dexter down the hill.

"Yeah I'm in a wheelchair!" Parakarry shouted, "You know why?? Because my legs will never heal! I've lost my only job because I can't deliver mail without the **ability to walk**."

"But Parakarry," Mike tried to reason with him, "There's so much you wanted to do with your life. What about running that marathon, or swimming across the Atlantic?"

Parakarry glared at Mike, who didn't piece together that broken legs meant you couldn't do those things. Luigi grabbed the megaphone from Mike.

"Parakarry, what do you think you're doing?"

"The doctors said I'll never be able to use my legs again!" Parakarry shouted, "And life isn't worth living if I'm going to be trapped in my own body!"

Luigi turned to Fred, "Go to the mall infirmary and get Parakarry's medical records."

"Why?" Fred asked.

"Just do it!" Luigi growled, "I'll keep him busy."

Fred nodded and ran to the infirmary. Luigi turned the megaphone back on.

"Come on, Parakarry. There has to be something worth living for!" Luigi reasoned, "There isn't a single thing?"

"NO!" Parakarry shouted. He placed his hands on the wheels of his chair and prepared to push forward.

"Wait!" Luigi shouted into the megaphone. Parakarry looked at him.

"What would your wife do without you??" Luigi asked, hoping to give him a reason to live.

"She left me!" Parakarry shouted, "Turns out she only loved me for my paycheck."

"Seriously??" Luigi asked, "How much do mailmen make??"

"Don't remind me about how great my life was before that stupid wheelchair ran me over," Parakarry said, beginning to inch his way to the edge of the floor.

"Here, Mike, keep him busy!" Luigi said, shoving the megaphone into his chest.

"But how??" Mike said.

"I don't know, make up a lie!" Luigi said before sprinting into a nearby department store.

Mike hesitated for a split second, "Parakarry, I have to tell you something!"

"What?" Parakarry demanded, stopping his slow inching to the edge.

"Uh...I... I kissed your wife!" Mike shouted. Parakarry got a look on his face.

"When?" Parakarry asked hesitantly.

"Whenever you were out of the house," Mike said, making things up as he went, "You didn't satisfy her needs, so she came to me."

"Oh my god!" Parakarry said, feeling his gut wrench.

"It's true," Mike shrugged, "I guess you just couldn't bring it to the table."

Parakarry thought he was going to throw up. His thoughts turned from suicide to murder.

"There was some tongue," Mike added out of nowhere.

"Dude, you don't need to go into detail," Parakarry shouted.

"Hey man, I'm just giving you some pointers in case by some grace of God you can get another woman," Mike said.

"YOU'RE A DEAD MAN MIKE!" Parakarry shouted. He lurched forward and launched off the side of the 3rd floor and aimed to tackle Mike. He knew the second he was falling that was going to come up short, meeting face to face with the tiled floor at lethal speed.

Suddenly, a mattress appeared under him. Parakarry hit the pillow-top mattress, softly saving him from being splattered. Luigi gave a sigh of relief, thankful he managed to push the mattress under him in the nick of time.

"Thanks for stalling him while I got the mattress, Mike," Luigi said. The word "Mike" brought back Parakarry's plans of murder.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU MIKE!" Parakarry shouted, "AND I DON'T NEED LEGS TO DO IT!"

"That's the spirit," Luigi said. The crowd erupted in applause, amazed at Luigi's quick thinking, which saved a life. It was then that Fred came back with two folders.

"I asked for Parrakarry's medical records, but they didn't know which Parakarry I was talking about." Fred reported. Luigi took the folders. He grinned as he read the information held within.

"Just as I thought. Your legs are going to heal, Parakarry," Luigi announced.

"Wait, what?"

"They mistook your files for some girl named "ParaKerri"," Luigi said, "She has gangrene in her legs, so they had to them off. You just have broken bones."

"So I'll be better some day?" Parakarry asked. Luigi nodded. The happiness that washed over Parakarry's face was more than rewarding for Luigi. As the others helped Parakarry back into his wheelchair, Luigi went over to Mike.

"Hey man, that was a pretty clever lie you told," Luigi said.

Mike's eyes darted left and right, "Just between us, that wasn't exactly a lie."

Luigi's eyes went wide.

"And if you tell **anyone**, _you're_ a dead man," Mike threatened. He left the scene, leaving Luigi to stand there with fear plastered on his face. Fred came up from behind and patted him on the back.

"Hey, great job today, rookie," Fred congratulated, "You're making mall guards everywhere proud."

"Thanks," Luigi said.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a brother's car's tires to go slash," Fred said, "He tried to run me over in the parking lot yesterday, and I have a feeling he's here to do it again today."

Luigi looked at his watch. The day was speeding by, seeing how it was already 12:30. His grumbling stomach confirmed his hunger, and so Luigi returned to the food court.

"Jeez, is there anything in this food court that isn't deep fried and smeared with grease??" Luigi asked.

"Nope, isn't it great??" Dexter answered. Luigi spun around.

"Oh, there you are. Do you know your brother is causing a ruckus?" Luigi asked.

"When isn't he?" Dexter asked, "Hey, did you hear about that pet store guy who saved some idiot from ferocious lions?"

"Lions??" Luigi asked.

"Well I just heard they were big cats, with rabies," Dexter added.

"Wow, that story is getting out of hand," Luigi said to himself.

"What was that?" Dexter asked, not hearing Luigi's mumbling.

"Oh nothing. So what is there to eat around here?" Luigi asked.

"That place over there sells deep fried mayonnaise on a stick," Dexter pointed out. Luigi lost his appetite.

"I'll pass," Luigi said weakly. Suddenly his walkie talkie went off again.

"We got a code 54 at "Blooper's Barrel O' Fun". Who's available?"

A stream of declines blared through the speakers.

"I'm busy."

"I'm handling something in sector 6."

"My brother just shot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I think I'll pass out at any moment now," Fred's voice reported.

Luigi picked up the walkie-talkie, "I'm on it."

"Good man, rookie."

"Looks like lunch will have to wait," Luigi said as heroically as possible, "There are lives at stake."

"Doubt it." Dexter said. Luigi ignored Dexter and ran to the nearest directory, searching for Blooper's Barrel O' Fun shop. The name seemed familiar somehow, but Luigi had no time to dawdle on such random thoughts. Locating the store's location, Luigi sprinted through the large, congested halls of the mall until he saw the store's name. Skidding to a halt, the sight he saw through the large glass windows almost made him lose what little bowel control he had.

A man in a ski mask was pointing a weapon at the poor employee, demanding things in a threatening voice.

"B-but sir, we're sold out..." The employee tried to reason.

"Bull!" The gun toting villain shouted, "I know you got a Wintendo Pii in the back and I want you to get it!"

"Believe me, I'd rather give you a Pii than take a bullet, but we don't have any."

Luigi couldn't believe this was happening. But now was not the time to be a coward, now was a time for action. Holding his breath, he inched towards the store's entrance, tip-toeing so that he wouldn't be detected by the criminal.

"HEY!" The employee shouted, "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN HERE!" He pointed to the wall behind him, holding the pictures of all the people not allowed in the store. Among them was Luigi's mug.

"You can't be serious," Luigi shouted.

"Hey man, I don't make the rules. But if I let you in here I get fired."

"I'm trying to save your life, man," Luigi reasoned. The criminal spun around and pointed his gun at Luigi.

"Hey, what are you trying to pull?!" He shouted.

Luigi's heart stopped.

"If you're gonna try and play the hero then I'm going to have to do something about it," he threatened,

"So either you're going to let me take care of my business or I pull this trigger! THINK YOU CAN DODGE A FREAKING BULLET??"

Luigi put his hands up, "Alright, chill, dude. I'm backing off, see?" Luigi took a few steps back, "I'll just back up and-HA!" Luigi quickly grabbed his ticket book and heaved it at the ski-masked criminal. The book hit the ground inches in front of his feet.

"You're a dead man," he said coldly. He stared at Luigi for a half second before sprinting in his direction. Luigi screamed and ran through the mall. As fast as Luigi was, the criminal's longer, lankier legs allowed him to run faster. Luigi didn't make it halfway down the corridor before he was tackled to the ground. The criminal sat on his stomach and shoved the barrel of his gun into Luigi's cheek.

"You're dead! You hear me?? YOU ARE A DEAD MAN!" The criminal screamed. In his excitement his finger slipped and pulled the trigger. A squirt of water splashed Luigi's cheek.

"..."

"..."

"...A squirt gun??" Luigi almost yelled.

"Hehe, Uh..." The criminal said. Luigi grabbed him by the throat and in one motion, spun and pinned him to the ground, so Luigi was now on top. Defenseless, the criminal begged for forgiveness.

"Please, this is just a misunderstanding! H-how about we make a deal? I got cash," Luigi ignored his pleas and brought out the handcuffs. The criminal was shackled and sent off to jail, all thanks to Luigi. He reached for his ticket book, and realized it was missing.

Luigi returned to the store, and saw it lying on the carpeted ground well into the store.

"Hey, can you pass me my ticket book?"

"I'm not paid to do that," The employee replied.

Luigi looked at the employee intensely. Without warning he ran into the store, picked up the ticket book, turned and was tackled to the ground by the employee. After a severe beating and being physically thrown out of the store, Luigi went back to the food court for a well-deserved lunch break. The rest of the day wasn't nearly as exciting, well except for one final run in with Tim at the hardware store.

"Hey, I got a call about a disturbance in this store?" Luigi asked. He saw Tim at the counter.

"Yeah, this kid is driving away my customers," The desk clerk said, pointing to Tim.

"I'm just trying to return this item!" Tim defended himself.

"On what grounds?" Luigi asked.

"I bought this bone saw here yesterday, but it didn't cut through bone as it advertised itself to, so I'm asking to return it."

"That's it," Luigi said, breaking out his ticket book, "You're banned from ever returning to this mall."

Tim pointed his saw at Luigi, "I'll give you two options, plumber. Option A, you don't write that ticket out of choice or option B, you don't write the ticket because you don't have a hand to write with."

Luigi paused, looking at the saw. He ran out of the store, deciding he'd write the ticket another time. Tim gave chase, and for the rest of the day Luigi played a deadly game of cat and mouse with Tim. He finally got him off his back some time later by hiding in the dumpster out back. When he decided that Tim gave up, Luigi emerged from the dumpster and looked at his watch.

"2 hours??" Luigi shouted, not believing time went by that quickly. Then again, when a crazy man with a saw is hunting you down, time can distort itself. It was 15 minutes to quitting time, so Luigi headed back to the basement of the mall, and headed for the HQ of the mall security squad.

"Hey Luigi, how was your first day?" The chief asked.

"Eventful," Luigi replied.

"Well, today's payday, so here's your check," The chief replied. Luigi forgot that he was starting on payday. He took the check gratefully, ripping open the envelope eagerly. He gazed at his pay.

"27 dollars?!?" Luigi shouted.

"Hey, you're still just a rookie," The chief replied, "It'll be awhile before you get in the big leagues like Fred here and make 30 dollars a day."

Fred sniffed his check, and let out a pleasant sigh, "The sweet smell of payday."

Luigi ripped off his badge and threw it on the chief's desk. No way in the underwhere was Luigi going to put with this crap from morning to night for only 27 dollars a day. He stormed out of the HQ with his things and met Mario in the parking lot.

On the way home Luigi told Mario of his horrifying day that landed him such a small paycheck. It was agreed that they'd stick with their safe, sound plumbing job.

"And the worst part of it all..." Luigi continued as he walked through the front door with Mario, "Was that there was this stupid rumor about me and this Cascore guy all day."

Mario plopped down on the couch and turned on the television.

"And in other news, an ordinary store clerk nearly gave his life in a heroic act of bravery as he saved a poor mentally challenged weakling from a horde of trained, homicidal saber-toothed tigers with rabies. When we asked about the story, the pet store employee said, "What are you people talking about?"

"See what I mean?" Luigi asked. Mario shrugged.

* * *

**Drum roll please! *_drum-drum-drum-drum-drum-drum-drum-drum-drum-drum-drum-drum*_**

**And the lucky recipient of our latest cameo is none other than CASCORE!!**

**I've been reading fics on here for a while now, and I've had many favorites. But when I found out a single person is responsible for most of the fics at the top of my favorites list I knew I had to give him a cameo! Fans of Mario games, (and DaisyxLuigi pairings) will definetely enjoy Cascore's work. Two thumbs up for this guy.**

**Hope you guys enjoyed the new chapter, and expect a BONUS CHAPTER to be uploaded within the very close future. I call it a Bonus chapter because it'll be short, but it will be oh so good. So leave a review and prepare yourselves for a nice little surprise.**

* * *


	20. Lawn Gnome Bat practice

**This little bonus chapter is dedicated to...**

***takes deep breath*** **AllHailMario, SuperLardBucket, Greenie3, JAC, James Birdsong, BrawlFanNumber1, LuigiHamtaro16, HyperInuyasha, Wayoshi, Luigi Rocsz, Shegal92, SirIntegrity, Yoshi-zilla Rhedosaurus, I Am The Almighty Person, Ripper22, DryBooPirahna, Ri2, Ghostily Princess, Anonymous Midori Yoshi, Kasper A. Vestergaard, Kincin the Great, Krisetchers, Senom299, Pete 993, Golbeza Girl, Howtheheckshouldiknow, Turtle Shroom, Trey4075, mario awesome pants 2876, Jordan Cooper, MarioZelda 64, Child at Heart Forever, Vlad Fan 1, and all who have read this story but didn't review. Your ongoing support is what keeps this story going and I thank you all! *passes out on floor from lack of air***

* * *

Luigi craned his neck back to look at the flashing neon sign. It read, "Tunnel of Love".

Luigi looked to his right, towards Dexter behind the fence that surrounded the ride. Dexter grinned and gave Luigi a thumbs up.

With a sigh, Luigi turned his attention to the ground. This was hopeless. He had already been on this ride 3 times without success. What good would a 4th ride through the dark tunnel do?

Luigi reflected on the day's constant failures, and almost considered just stepping out of line and letting some other hopeful get his spot. His thoughts soon replayed that very morning in his mind.

Luigi brought his latest creation out the front door and placed it in the yard; a newly painted lawn gnome. Luigi looked at his yard. Along the path leading to the front door, lawn gnomes lined the edges. They were also scattered throughout the grass without pattern. Some smiled in broad daylight; others were concealed cleverly within the leaves of a bush. All of the gnomes in Luigi's yard could easily form a small army.

"Hey Luigi!" Dexter shouted. Luigi turned to his left to see Dexter peering at his past few days' work from over the fence, "Whoa, what's this? A senior prank?"

"No," Luigi corrected, "This is my new hobby; lawn gnomes!"

Dexter stared at Luigi blankly, pleading silently for an explanation.

"Pretty much, you get lawn gnomes from the gardening store and a set of paint. Then you painstakingly color the gnome however you please, and then you stick it in your yard. Check out the first one I made! I call him Mini Luigi 2.0," Luigi held up a lawn gnome with a green pointed hat bearing Luigi's L emblem crudely painted on. Its usual white facial hair was painted a shade of brown to match Luigi's mustache, and the gnome sported, you guessed it, blue overalls and a green shirt beneath.

It was the ugliest lawn gnome Dexter had ever laid eyes on.

"And check out this little number I got with my "Gnomes Monthly" catalog!" Luigi announced, lifting a notably different looking gnome. "His name is Alfred, and if you tap his nose three times he brings you luck!"

"......Dude, you need a girlfriend," Dexter said.

Luigi stared at Dexter, his face without expression. Without any preceding warning he dropped Alfred, and as the ceramic gnome shattered on the ground, Luigi buried his face in his hands and began to softly cry.

"I know..." Luigi admitted weakly, "But there's just no one for me out there."

"Come on, Luigi," Dexter coaxed, "I'm sure there's that special someone out there for you!"

Luigi sniffled as the tears stopped, "...You think?"

"Yeah. In fact, I'll bet she'll be at the fair tonight," Dexter said. Luigi had completely forgotten about the kingdom's annual fair. Just by mentioning that, Luigi felt better.

"Alright, I'll do it!" Luigi said.

"Awesome! We're leaving at six if you want to tag along," Dexter said before leaving. Luigi rubbed his hands together in excitement. Tonight was a night for love.

A lawn gnome flew out the window to Luigi's left and shattered on the ground. Mario himself had acquired the hobby of smashing Luigi's prized gnomes. Leaning to see through the window, Luigi saw Mario with a baseball bat and a pile of gnomes.

"Bat practice is over!" Luigi scolded.

In preparation for his big night, Luigi pulled out all the stops. His hair was slicked with expensive hair gel, his face was lightly dabbed with cologne, and his teeth were flossed, brushed, mouthwashed, and whitening-stripped to perfection.

"Well, hello there, handsome," Luigi said into the mirror. His watch beeped, alerting him it was now 6 o' clock. A knock on the front door was heard.

"LUIGI! ARE YOU READY TO GO??" Dexter shouted.

"Yep!" Luigi said, "Let's go!"

Luigi climbed into Dexter's car. It was a short 10 minute drive to the fair, and the illuminated ferris wheel inspired thoughts of the fun and enjoyment to be had at the kingdom's annual fair. Giddy with excitement, Tim and Dexter were the first to sprint through the gates and run straight for the rides. Luigi and the parents took a more leisurely stroll through the fair.

"Ooh, honey, look at those adorable stuffed animals!" Dexter's mom pointed out, "Will you win me one?"

"Of course, honey," Dexter's dad said. He got out his wallet, and Luigi already knew by the end of the night it would be empty. Dexter's dad slapped down a 5 dollar bill and received 3 wiffle balls in return.

"Land the ball in the bin and win a prize!" The carnie instructed. Luigi recognized the game immediately, knowing the bin was positioned at an angle which would cause the bouncy wiffle ball to bounce back out no matter what angle it was thrown.

Dexter's dad did a simple throw into bin. It hit the back and bounced out, just as Luigi predicted. Dexter's dad narrowed his eyes, concentrating on his next shot. He lobbed the ball high, which hit the inside rim of the bucket, hit the back, then bounced out and hit the ground. Dexter's Dad threw the next ball as softly as he could. But the distance between him and the bucket forced him to throw fast enough for the ball to rebound.

Dexter's dad slapped down another 5 and received 3 more shots. Growing tired of the scene, Luigi decided to walk around and do what he came to do. He spotted his first target; a girl he knew as Pauline. Now was the time to use Mario's "can't miss" one-liners.

"Hey there!" Luigi greeted, "Are you really that hot or am I just looking in a mirror?"

Pauline giggled. Jackpot.

"So, are you seeing anyone?" Luigi asked.

"I'm sorry. I just had a rough break up," Pauline apologized, "I'm not looking for anyone right now."

"Oh," Luigi said, "I understand."

"Thanks, but you're a really sweet guy," Pauline tried to encourage him.

Feeling somewhat defeated, Luigi tried to find another girl. After some looking he spotted a group of gossiping girls, and decided that maybe he could get one of them.

He smoothly walked up behind them and tapped a girl on the shoulder. She gave him her attention.

"Hey, you must be a master thief, because you stole my heart from all the way over there."

As a response the girl shaped an "L" with her finger and thumb and placed it over her forehead. Her posse laughed at poor Luigi as they turned to leave.

No matter. The night was still young, and there were girls everywhere. He saw inspecting some badges in a nearby booth.

"Hah!" Ms. Mowz scoffed, "You call this fake badge convincing?? Please!"

"It's fake?" The booth operator asked.

Ms. Mowz gave a sigh, "Amateur. I'll tell you what; I'll take this fake off your hands so that way you don't drive away the serious badge buyers."

"I'd appreciate that. Thanks!" The booth operator said gratefully.

"Hey, no problem," Ms. Mowz said. What the poor booth operator didn't know was that the badge was actually legitimate, and quite rare at that. But if he couldn't tell what a fake from a real badge then he didn't deserve to have it in his possession. That's when Luigi came up.

"Hey babe, what's your sign?" He asked.

"I have a boyfriend." Ms. Mowz responded.

"Oh really," Luigi persisted, "How would you like a **MAN**friend instead?" Luigi then proceeded to flex his muscles, which showed no change in size.

"Hey, pal! What do you think you're doing with my girl??" A gruff voice shouted. Luigi saw an angry Rawk Hawk behind him, gritting his teeth and barely keeping his composure.

"Oh. You were serious?" Luigi asked Ms. Mowz. The question was answered as Rawk Hawk, with a single hand, threw Luigi high in the air. As Luigi fell back to earth, he met with the Rawk's fist, and was launched back into the stratosphere. Rawk juggled the poor plumber with his fists for a good 6 minutes before Ms. Mowz demanded he stop. Luigi hit the ground with gratitude.

The crowd that had gathered to watch the spectacle dissipated, except for two little boys.

"So how's the girlfriend hunt going?" Asked one of the boys.

"Shut up, Dexter," Luigi said.

"Man, you got a beat down. Or should I say beat **up**?" The other boy, Tim, asked.

"Why don't you try the Tunnel of Love, Luigi?" Dexter asked.

"I thought those were for couples, not singles," Luigi said.

"They have two of them, for couples and singles," Dexter informed.

"Seriously?" Luigi asked. Dexter and Tim lead Luigi to the part of the fairgrounds designated for rides. Among the roller coasters and fun houses, they saw the two tunnels of love. One of them had a single line, where people stood side by side with their significant other. But the other side had two lines; one for guys and one for girls.

"So, how does this work?" Luigi asked.

"Well, there are two lines," Dexter pointed out, "There's a wall between them so you can't tell who you're going to be paired up with. When you get to the ride, you just get in with the girl that gets on at the same time. Simple as that."

"Sounds good to me!" Luigi said excitedly. He got in his designated line. He looked back towards Tim and Dexter.

They gave him two thumbs up. Luigi returned the gesture. After some time waiting in line, it was finally Luigi's turn. The carnie permitted him into the swan boat that floated in the artificial river. Luigi's fellow boat rider wore pirate garb and had long, unruly red hair. Her make-up was heavily applied.

"Hi, my name's Luigi," Luigi greeted as she got into the boat.

"Captain Syrup," she replied, flipping her hair with her hand. The boat began its slow journey through the tunnel's entrance. Soon the duo were engulfed in darkness, with only the black lights to give them light.

"So... how rich are you?" Captain Syrup asked, getting straight to the point.

"Um..." Luigi hesitated, "I'm just a plumber."

"So you're not rich?" Captain Syrup asked, the sweetness no longer in her voice.

"No. But I-"

"Hmph!" Captain Syrup said loudly, crossing her arms and facing away from Luigi. Luigi sighed. Propping his elbow on top of the arm rest of the seat of two, he watched as the frilly and love themed paintings that plastered the walls slowly passed by. The light bounced off the water and danced on the wall as the beautiful harp music blared over the speakers.

The river made its first U bend. The ride was pretty much an oval of water with a tunnel over it. And in this tunnel you were subjected to 5 minutes of awkward silence in the cold, unforgiving dark. When it finally ended, Luigi and Captain Syrup departed without so much as an exchanged word.

"So, how did it go?" Dexter asked eagerly.

"Meh. She wasn't my type," Luigi said, "Too shallow."

"Well, I guess there's nothing to do but try again," Tim said, "Go get 'em, tiger!"

Luigi smiled, getting his game face back on. He entered the line once more.

"...do you think this is going to actually work?" Dexter asked.

"No," Tim responded, "I'm just here to see who the poor sap gets paired with."

Minutes later, Luigi entered the small boat once more. He looked at his second fellow rider.

"Ooh ooh ah ah!" Dixie Kong yelled. She then proceeded to scratch her butt openly in public. Luigi attempted to get out of his seat but the carnie shoved him back in and started the ride. For the following insufferable 7 minutes the monkey hopped up and down and screamed wildly like the primitive primate she was.

"Hey, here comes Luigi," Dexter pointed out, "So how did it... oh," Dexter said, pausing before the "oh". Luigi's clothes were shredded and his hair was tussled.

"What happened?" Tim asked.

"As it turns out..." Luigi began, "Monkeys think you're challenging them if you make eye contact and smile."

"Yikes," Dexter said, having learned this info from the Animal Planet.

"Let's go again!" Tim encouraged, "It can't get worse than a monkey, can it?"

Luigi took this into consideration, "No, I'm pretty sure it can't get worse than a rabid monkey. Okay, I'll do it!" Luigi announced, receiving high fives from Tim and Dexter.

And so the wait began once more. The line was beginning to thin out as more and more people decided it wasn't the best way to meet people, but Luigi stood firm in his belief that tonight he would be united with his one true love.

Stepping into the plush seat like an experienced pro, Luigi eagerly awaited to see who his match was. It definitely couldn't be worse than a monkey after all.

Guess what, it was.

As the harp music began its familiar chords and the glow in the dark cupids slowly passed the boat, Luigi pressed his body against the side of the boat to keep as much distance as he could between him and Birdo. Birdo's yawned and stretched, and "by accident" her hand landed on top of Luigi's. A chill went down Luigi's spine. How could it get any worse??

Birdo winked seductively at him.

Luigi dove from the boat and into the water, swimming the rest of the ride's length. An impressive feat in water a foot and a half deep. Luigi emerged from the ride totally soaked, and without hope. He just couldn't keep doing this, every time he got on that cursed ride his partner got worse and worse. And he honestly feared any person worse than Birdo. Unfortunately, Dexter wouldn't have it.

"Come on, Luigi, you'll regret it forever if you don't give this a chance," Dexter pleaded.

"I already gave it a chance!" Luigi shouted, "I gave it 3 chances. And every single time it got worse!"

"You know what I'll have to do if you don't agree with me," Dexter said.

"Hah. Do you really think that old trick will get me to-"

"Pleeeeeeeeeeease??" Dexter asked in a sugar-coated voice, his eyes large and teary eyed. The quivering lower lip was the final blow.

"Alright, I'll do it!" Luigi said, defeated. Curse small children and their powers of persuasion.

And that is how Luigi found himself waiting once more in line for another doomed ride. He watched as the man in front of him was paired with Captain Syrup. The first thing out of her mouth was "How rich are you?". With a deep breath, Luigi entered the boat, his heart racing to find out who he was going to be paired with. Luigi's heart stopped when he found out.

"Daisy??" Luigi almost yelled. Daisy was just as stunned as Luigi. But now there was no chance of escape because the ride started, and the tunnel swallowed the two exes into a dark world of cheesy romance.

Neither Luigi nor Daisy had moved a muscle. Frozen stiff by the shock they simply stared into one another's eyes. Luigi's heart found the ability to beat once more, and it pounded against Luigi's rib cage for what felt like a thousand times per second. Luigi's breath felt hot.

Luigi noticed Daisy was leaning closer to him, and then realize he was doing the same thing without thinking about it. But he didn't fight it. He allowed the invisible force that was pulling them closer together to continue. Luigi closed his eyes. He felt Daisy's breath as their lips came closer and closer. That's when it happened.

**Previously, on "The "L" Stands For Loser":**

_Luigi: But you two were talking about what you two would do as queen and king_

_Daisy: Of our own countries. We were sharing ideas so we could be even better royalty._

_Luigi: Oh. So why did Charming even come on the show?_

_Charming: To prevent filth like you dating my dear cousin. I mean, what's up with naming your mustache?_

_Daisy: That's enough Charming! I don't need you "protecting me", especially from someone that I kinda like_

_Everyone but Daisy: Huh!?_

_Daisy: Well, he's kinda cute, and no one else makes me laugh as much as him._

_Luigi: So, do you want to go get a mocha with me then?_

_Daisy: Sure (Leaves with Luigi who can't believe this is really happening)_

_

* * *

_

_Luigi: How long have you two been at this?_

_Parakarry: You and Daisy were our first case. We're counting it as a success since we got you two together in the first place._

_Luigi: I suppose. Wait, I didn't ask you guys to do that. That means- (gets shot with a tranquilizer)_

_Bob: (looks at Parakarry who was holding a tranquilizer gun)_

_Parakarry: He knew too much... You wanna do the memory swipe this time?_

_

* * *

_

_Luigi: (bruised and fearful wearing tattered clothes in the forest) (frantically scribbling his thoughts into his diar- I mean, "Journal") Journal Log Day 3: I might be the only survivor left, and this may be my final entry, as I have eaten all the other pages for nourishment. If you come across this Journal please let this be known to the world. To Mario, if he is alive, tell him that I always loved him, even when he would bury my inhaler in the yard. To Peach, I was the one who licked your cake on your twelfth birthday, and I have no regrets about that. To Waluigi, I still hate you. And to Daisy. I always-_

_Grizzly Bear: (flies over the top of a nearby bush and lands a few feet in front of Luigi) (growls ferociously)_

_Luigi: (screams, flinging his journal into the air as he stretches his arms over his head and sprints through the forest)_

_

* * *

_

"_Jeez Daisy," Toadette said, no longer afraid of losing her shoes due to speaking, "Do you really need all of these shoes?"_

"_No, but it feels like the more stuff I get, the more happy I am, like it fills a void or something," Daisy said, "...Not that I'm depressed or anything!" she quickly added._

"_Yeah, I used to have that void feeling, too," Toadette consoled as she removed the shoes from the counter, "but not anymore."_

"_What happened?" Daisy said. Toadette was about to answer when someone came up behind her._

"_Guess who?" Toad said playfully, covering Toadette's eyes from behind. Toadette responded with a giggle._

"_Could it be my boyfriend?" Toadette said, playing along with the game._

"_Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner!" Toad leaned over and pecked Toadette on the cheek, "You ready to go?"_

"_Yeah," Toadette said, following her boyfriend out of the store, "See ya later Daisy, we're going to the cinema."_

"_Okay, see ya guys," Daisy yelled to the couple. She grabbed an armload of shoes and left the store with some difficulty fitting through the front door. Lacking X-ray vision, Daisy was blinded by her mountain of high heels._

_

* * *

_

"_No use hiding it, Mr.L. Or should I say, "Luigi"?" Doopliss said, brandishing a sword, "It seems that I have no choice but to take you out personally."_

"_Wait, how do you know my name??" Luigi asked._

"_You thought I was bluffing? I know everything about you. You're 15th birthday party disaster, your secret fear of flamingos, even your little crush. Brunette, right? Yeah, I know everything. Even your weak spot. Pretty handy thing to know in battle..." Doopliss trailed off before swinging his sword violently at Luigi._

_

* * *

_

"_Well jeez Daisy," Peach said exasperated, "what do you want in a man??"_

"_I just want someone who really cares about me," Daisy admitte,. "Someone who'll set me straight if I ever lose my way. Someone who loves and cherishes me everyday."_

"_Oh brother," Peach said with a roll of her eyes._

_

* * *

_

_Daisy looked at him strangely. She didn't think he was lying, but she just couldn't accept the thought of her being royalty out of the blue._

"_How can I trust you?" She asked. Everyone looked intently at Luigi. He tried to find the right words before he responded._

"_Because you've trusted me before. And I might have taken advantage of that before, but believe me when I say this isn't you. I know who you are, and I know deep down you know who I am."_

_Daisy looked at his eyes. They were so warm, so familiar. She knew this person from somewhere before, and she thought hard. Where did she know him from? It was a long moment of silence before a name escaped her lips._

"_Luigi," she said out loud. A small smile spread across the mall cop's face._

* * *

Luigi felt a tap on his shoulder, which brought him back to reality. Luigi and Daisy's lips reluctantly departed as he turned to see the ride operator who had tapped his shoulder.

"Sir, the ride is over. You have to leave now," The carnie said. Luigi dug into his pocket and brought out his wallet. A 5 dollar bill emerged from the wallet, and was passed to the carnie.

"How about another go-around?" Luigi asked.

The carnie discretely slipped the 5 into his shirt pocket and started the ride once more. Luigi turned to Daisy.

"Now, where were we?" He asked playfully. Daisy giggled before giving Luigi another kiss. The harp music began its sweet melody once more as Luigi reminded himself to thank the kid next door.

* * *

**This has been my little treat to all of my viewers. If it weren't for your feedback and support I doubt this story would have gone as far as it has. And so, I'd like for you all to pat yourselves on the back. Go on, you know you want too...**

**Here's to another great 20 chapters! I can't wait to see what happens from here.**

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